Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

I often say that, my husband would not call me an ambulance if I needed one, he just would not do it. He would feel bad afterwards because he does love me but in any situation he will put himself first and avoid any boat rocking.

I said to my sister I’m leaving him, and she said ‘well you have nobody to call an ambulance for you if you are on your own either would you ?’

She thinks I’m insane to leave a good honest man, but doesn’t understand how hard it is to be on completely different frequencies with your spouse. Someone who will always always put their needs first, because that’s all they can do and it’s not their fault so you don’t even have the luxury of being angry about it. It’s just the way it is.

@KeeponReading thank you! I find I can go a good month and be relatively ok in the relationship if there’s no stress or illness. The problem is with small children it’s inevitable. Then I don’t get the support I need.

I'm so sorry to hear even the small things that should go without saying are a bonus. It’s so hard isn’t it to understand the lack of empathy. I feel like I’m still grieving the person he was in the beginning when he was masking and I was his special interest. Now the kids are his special interest so they get empathy, I don’t!

Sorry @KeeponReading I meant to tag @SpecialMangeTout first…

@SpecialMangeTout also very sorry you’re chronically ill. It must be a very tough situation.

@KeeponReading thank you! I’m sorry to hear you’ve had long COVID. It’s baffling isn’t it when they look back and think they’ve been supportive. I’m sure if I try and talk to DH about what happened the other night he won’t see a problem because he offered practical solutions.

I’m also sorry to hear you don’t feel you can move on. It must feel like you’re entrapped in the situation. I really hope something can change for you. I’m an emotional talker too. In fact I suspect I’m ADHD as I’m verbally hyperactive and struggle with a fair amount of other traits. It’s so lonely needing that connection and not getting it. I do empathise with you.

I’m 45 so old to have young children but probably young enough to start again. It’s just so daunting. Also hard to consider how it might affect the kids. One of them is autistic too and would struggle with a massive change in his routine.

We tried therapy together and it was pointless. The therapist literally said she couldn’t help us because he couldn’t appreciate my side of things as he thinks he’s a good partner. I can’t really afford to do therapy at the moment. I have gleaned a lot of information about ASD over the years. Just living with it is tough.

@3luckystars I’m so sorry you feel he wouldn’t call an ambulance for you. It’s crazy to think even that very basic level of empathy is so hard. It’s so self sabotaging when he loves you but couldn’t protect you in that moment. You see I think my DH would call the ambulance but I don’t think he’d comfort me or hold my hand. I’d be emotionally alone. I’m sure the paramedics would be more supportive than him. I guess at least I’d live but just carry emotional scars from how he was.

Anyone else feeling down in the dumps? I don’t know whether it’s post Christmas blues or the miserable weather or what but I am so sick and tired of living life on my own 😞. There is zero communication between us. I am completely isolated.

My problem is that I don’t want to walk out on my kids, I’d miss them terribly. Argh, I’m trapped

💯🤦‍♂️

@Billnben @working4everThe same here as @SpecialMangeTout says I tend to let dh get on with whatever works for him. And I do what works for me. More like living our life in parallel than together iyswim.
But he is ASD not AuDHD so we don’t have issues with not remembering/unfocused.

(Sorry that was for @Billnben but I can't seem to delete @working4ever)

His life isn't your responsibility (however harsh that sounds)

@Billnben You say you're 'trying to disentangle what’s caused by ND and not'. There's a chance that you might not be able to totally separate the two. My DH was diagnosed 8 years ago and I'm still not always sure which of his thoughts and behaviours are autistic, anxiety, depression or character.

Yes, my DH is like this. It's very frustrating as I don't know he's getting overwhelmed until he snaps. I try to be as (emotionally and practically) supportive as possible but it's hard when he often doesn't know what he needs. Sometimes though he simply needs space and no demands.

It's so frustrating isn't it 😕

@NDornotND Thanks for the insight into Alexithymia

@Lakeviewhouse ☹️😟🫂

We no longer get the ruined days out because we go without him. Instead I get the aggro when we return 😟. I'm glad our kids have happy memories of their days out but I have to plan in time afterwards to handle whatever DH is upset about.

Sorry for all my replies in a row there! I logged on to wish everyone a (hopefully 🤞🏻😟🍀) Happy New Year and then wanted to catch up on all your messages.

So, a belated best wishes for 2025.

What's one thing you're hoping to change this year? I want to make healthier choices whenever I can.

I can definitely see how that could work. If it comes to it, I don’t think I could live that way though. I’m happy to do
body doubling with chores, so we work on things together/in parallel. I just can’t imagine living my whole life in parallel though. I guess it’s good to know that about myself though. We don’t have DC so it makes it easier I think

Just wondering if you think that someone with autism may be more suited to someone else ND? Would it work better because they understand each other more?

@Realdeal1 i think it probably depends on the type of ND the partners have, and how it expresses itself. There’s quite a few partners on here where one has ASD and the other ADHD. So both ND but in different ways and there can still be problems. I’m ND myself (dyspraxia and OCD-not sure if the second one is ND?) but that is very different to say ASD. What are your thoughts on it?

@Billnben my DP is Asp/ADHD and im NT. We have no plans to live together or have children but i find he can be a bit difficult in terms of repeating things like a dog with a bone. I love him but i can see the differences more and more. I wonder to myself whether someone who is ND may be more understanding of these different behaviours.

I know what you mean about the differences coming out over time, I have that with my DP who I suspect also has ADHD and maybe ASD. When you say he repeats, do you mean he repeats what you say (echolalia?) or he won’t let things go e.g. in an argument?

Did you see the link to the YouTube vid a few pages back (or maybe even last thread) - it was spot on in my view.

I think my wife would be far happier with an Asperger’s man

@Billnben we dont really argue but it's more that once he has a thought, there isnt any changing it even if it's wrong. So it feels like its repeated over and over again - and im thinking 'i heard you the first time!!!'. Im very chilled but i do wonder if someone else would be more ok with this.

@Realdeal1 that does sound hard work. I guess the question is, is the overall relationship worth it, despite this? Also, have you tried talking to him about it and what was his response? There seems to be a range with this where some DP are able to self-reflect/take on board how their partner feels and try to work on it, and others not