Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

This is the video link I refer to - in relation to NT/ND relationships. SO much of what this guy says is SO true (in my experience at least) it really hits home.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=6vBIehjwmd8

@LoveFoolMe . That's interesting...2025, hmmm.

I was thinking earlier today that I've felt more content since Xmas. Got past the family get together, rang dysfunctional DM a couple of times. But it looks like there are the prospects of an unsettled year approaching. So why do I feel this way ?

Cue self analysis lol.
I think it's because there's so much going on that , somewhere deep inside, my defence mechanisms are at last kicking in. I've decided fuck it, I'm going to batten down the hatches and do my own thing, pushing down reactive responses to the things other people do. Including DH. And to be as calm and cheerful as I can.

Tbh I've felt for a while that me seeming happy trips a backlash. If I'm up, DH is grumpy. If I'm chatty, he's not. It's like that song 'I say potayto, and you say potarto' . Lord knows why - I've asked if hes ok ?, but I don't think he knows he's doing it. Alexithymia ?

I think I'm detaching mentally. Maybe we've all got a red line ? Well, I have now, never used to.

So my new years resolution is ...to be more Radically Accepting , and try to step out of my 'rescuer' role. It doesn't work, and it's never 'enough'

@Apex3
Wow !
I'm going to get a lot out of his videos. I think what I was describing above is my attempt to 'conserve my energy', as he recommends. He's about my age. If he can do it, so can I.
Many of the commenters seem to also have been married many years .

Thanks !!

Yes, basically everything he says resonates with me in a NT/ND relationship. I spent new year on my own (infact the whole of this week) as DW was at her Mums with the kids. I’ve no doubt that’s mainly because I cause her a lot of difficulties (in relation to Asperger’s) and it’s more relaxing for her to escape with her special interest (the kids) and be somewhere else. Which is fine. As much as I adore my children it’s a break for me also. I can relax in my own company lol 😂

i don’t see age as a barrier to changing your life at all. I know 2 people in their late 60’s who’ve quite recently split up with their spouses, moved on, and are now very happy indeed with another person. Infact one of them has a totally new life and has had a complete upheaval. If I was in the same position I suspect the thing that would annoy me is that I didn’t do it 20 years sooner.

if it wasn’t for my children I definitely wouldn’t be together with DW still. Sometimes I wonder how long I can last even with them here (like at the moment when I find myself feeling a bit low for some reason). I sometimes catch myself thinking ‘it’s not her fault’ equally it’s not my fault either and her black and white view of life, where everything is structured, ordered, planned and organised is so utterly draining, I do find it hard sometimes. And that’s not even going into complete lack of empathy, finding insult at everything, dislike of change, not liking touch, the list goes on and on.

Am looking forward to 2025 getting going when I can get back to my hobbies and mentally avoid a lot of this stuff.

@apex3 how old are your kids? I completely relate to this. I would say the kids are DHs special interest along with running. One of the hardest things in our situation is the love and empathy he gives them but not me. It’s really painful to see.

i hope you can get back to your hobbies and find a way to get joy from other things. It’s not fair though.

@Apex3 thank you much for the video. It made me cry. It very accurately describes my mental state at the moment. My mental health has been poor since I was pregnant with my daughter three years ago because that’s when the mask dropped. That’s three years of tearful conversations and trying to fix things. The more upset I get the more running and fitness training he does. It’s been excruciating and nothing changes.

@LoveFoolMe it sounds like you’ve done your best to give the kids more enjoyment but a shame there’s fallout.

My children are very young so taking them out on my own is hardwork. The eldest is 4 and autistic so can be unpredictable. I wouldn’t say DH has any meltdowns. He is grumpy and passive aggressive because he’s overstimulated. It’s like we’re there alone but together if that makes sense. I’ll say something funny or try to connect with him and he just walks off. There’s no togetherness in days out which is sad.

@Apex3 not sure if you shared this one before but it very accurately describes my situation. My DH however was able to fit in socially as a child. Even has a few long lasting friends however I’d say he hung out alongside them rather than with them. All a bit surface level. So I don’t think he has the self esteem damage talked about in the video but then as the guy says everyone is different. The dance however we’re doing in our marriage of me pulling him up for the emotional neglect and him throwing his efforts into special interests and feeling attacked is accurately described.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=QBi4csjoe9k

@Dialledin my kids are 13 and 11 and yes, exact same, dw stopped masking after my youngest had been born in 2013. It was like my services had been dispensed with by that point.

We’ve been together 26 years, but I didn’t realise about the ASD/Asperger’s until about 4 years ago and it was a real light bulb moment for me, like a really massive moment, all the questions from all those years suddenly had answers.

I terribly miss all the normal stuff that comes with a relationship, talking, hugging someone, having a laugh, looking at someone and seeing them smile at you. Sounds quite tragic doesn’t it, but it’s true. My neighbours are in their early 70’s and I hear them chatting away to each other in the garden. Little do they know how jealous I am (at 48) of them!!

Thanks for the other vid, I’ll have a watch 👍

Fascinating! He’s described my exact relationship!

(dw chose option 1 by the way ‘no I don’t have Asperger’s - you’re the one with Asperger’s!’)

That video hits hard. I found an online support group for partners of ASD individuals. It’s American but I think I might give it a go next week. Will I post a link here if anyone else is interested?

Im 20 years in and my health is being impacted. He will not change. I have children so am a bit trapped. I want to leave but am trying to do the right thing for my children.

We’re in exactly the same boat @3luckystars

I’m also 20+ years in and I’ve come out the other side of some very dark times (which dw had no idea at all how to handle, short of calling me weird)

I’ve resolved to leave when my kids go to uni, but I often wonder if I can wait that long.

Does anyone get met with the “well you met me like this so why is it a problem now”? Which in my eyes puts all the responsibility onto me.

I’m just venting about DP’s shitty way of speaking to me (of course I would never get away with speaking to him like this! Maybe I should start!)

DP: we’re out of nice coffee and [the usual place] is closed at the weekends.

Me: oh well there’s a shop on the high street (5 mins walk) that sells half bags. Maybe I’ll pop down and get one.

DP: or I could go to … [name of place which is about 15 mins drive away].

Me: mmm is that a bit far? It’s all the way over in … [x area]?

DP: no it’s not.

Me: isn’t it? Oh sorry, I thought you’d told me before that place was in … [x area]?

DP: it is. But that’s not “all the way over”!! It’s just over the road. It’s hardly “all the way over” at all!

( It’s 15 mins drive away but whatever. He always does this. Disagrees with a minor point of language or phraseology. As in, he wouldn’t describe that as “all the way over” and will make a point of saying so. Can’t let anything go. Has to make a point. So contentious and unnecessary).

Me: ok fine, well it’s further than I’d want to go.

DP: I could get it on the way from the hairdresser.

DP shouts up to his DS to hurry up.

Me: oh are you going out?

DP: (irritable) yes! I just told you we’re going to get a haircut!

(but he didn’t say that at all! He said he could pick up coffee on the way from the hairdresser. Hadn’t mentioned he had an appointment in a bit or that he was leaving shortly).

Me: ok, sorry. I didn’t realise you had an appointment now.

DP: I did say!

(he didn’t, but I won’t make a point of it)

Me: when will you be back? Only I need the car. (It’s my car).

DP: I won’t be using YOUR car! I did tell you.

Me: mmm you said you were hiring a car to go to your sister’s tomorrow.

DP: (more irritable!) yes I know. Exactly. I told you.

Me: so I didn’t know that meant you had the car today as well.

DP: (very irritable now) I had to get it today as you can’t pick them up on Sundays.

Me: ok fine. I didn’t know that.

DP: I did say.

(favourite phrase!! 99% of the time it means he hasn’t said at all!)

Me: when?

DP: just now!

Me: you said you were going to get a haircut. You didn’t mention the car.

DP: you asked me about using your car and I said I’d hired one.

Me: to visit your sister! You didn’t say you’d already picked it up. How am I supposed to know that?!

And on it goes. He just went out. I shall be very glad when he goes to his sister!!

This is very typical. Just not giving me half the information then getting cross with me when I don’t understand what he’s on about. Getting irritable because he doesn’t agree with a word I’ve used and making a silly point about it. I’m sure we’ve probably just been cooped up in the house for too many days and it’s just silly niggles but I feel I’m always saying “oh sorry…” because HE hasn’t made himself clear and is getting frustrated. Why isn’t he the one apologising? Grr!!! Anyway this all seems very silly now I’ve typed it out. Have watched the YT videos. I do accept this is how he is. He ain’t gonna change and I long ago gave up any hope of that. I would just like to vent now and again and say to some normal reasonable people “look at my life! Look at the ridiculous things he gets annoyed about which are his own doing. Look at the horrible way he speaks to me!” Twat.

That’s not true in my case because he wasn’t telling me things, I thought he was just quiet. I thought he was enjoying himself because he stayed with me and asked me to marry him!!

He told me this week, when we met (20 years ago) his heart would be thumping out of his chest with stress when I would pick him up, he would be in a complete state as to ‘where I am bringing him now’ and meanwhile I was having the best time of my life!! I had absolutely no idea he was anxious and was coming up with all these fun things to do on dates for us. I feel like the truth was withheld from me.

I was not in possession of the truth until now. And now I’m up to my neck in it, as we have children and it’s not easy leave.

I’m only truly realising that this is not all my fault now. That it is not his fault either. We are on different frequencies and always will be and I have weigh that up now and decide to stay or leave. It’s hard.

All I can do is keep praying 🙏

Sorry my reply was to you @Rainbow03 when you say ‘well you met me like this so why is it a problem now’

Well, no, because you were not being fully open and honest then, and also THINGS CHANGE (and you don’t change.)

Absolutely agree @3luckystars DP wasn’t like this when we met. And I’d known him for years! He painted himself as happy go lucky, easy going, open to other people’s ideas….. but now I know he’s only like that in public. I didn’t realise until a year in what he was really like. I left my now exDH to be with him!!!. So I feel like it’s all my fault. I made this stupid decision. I loved him with all my heart. My marriage was crap. Not that that’s an excuse. It’s not. Looking back I was very low and he love bombed me and I was the idiot that fell for it. The guilt for putting everyone through our split (although I am sure we would have split up eventually anyway. I doubt we’d have got through lockdown together. I often said I wanted to divorce). And for what? An angry self absorbed man who seems to be a copy of my horrible father. What the fuck have I done??? I lay awake at night with this thought going round and round my head. All I can do to keep myself from going mad is to accept the situation and try not to make it any worse for anyone. But yeah, if I’d known what he was like I’d never have done what I did in a million years…..

When I met DH we went to a language class so that we could travel and move abroad together.

Now he avoids leaving the house.

A@BustyLaRoux are you really trapped ? You say you have to accept it but how long
are you with him, is it only one year? do you have children?

Im so sorry you are going through this, but you made the decision with the information you had at the time. You did not know what you know now. Stop being so hard on yourself x x

Have you read the book ‘women who love too much’ it’s brilliant, especially of your dad was like this. It means you are drawn to difficult men. You can break the cycle. The book is old but well worth a read x x

With this “you met me like this” I feel it puts all the blame and all the responsibility onto me. It’s says I’m not going to change. @BustyLaRoux Ive made some corkers of terrible mistakes over the years. I’ve got to the point now where I’m starting to feel very unapologetic. Like yeah I’ve fucked it up at times but what do you want me to do about this. Accept I’m only bloody human or punish myself for the rest of my life. I find there are people that ride on our mistakes because it boosts their self esteem. I’m beginning to wear my mistakes as a badge of honour because it makes me a damn sight better human because of it. I’m not narrow minded, I try not to judge. I like myself better. You made a mistake, it’s not a life sentence and you don’t have to settle because somehow you think you deserve it.

@Apex3 that sounds really tough and I feel very similarly that my work is done and now a bit of a spare part in the day to day. I’m sorry you’ve endured this for so long. I’m only a few years into this stage and barely recognise myself so I can’t imagine the impact after so long.

Bless you, not tragic at all but absolutely human nature to need that connection. Cute elderly people trigger me too. I’m currently checking in on my friends 86 year old mum while she’s away. Listening to her talk about the joy she shared with her late husband and the amazing life they had together makes me feel heartbroken.

It’s baffling when they throw concerns back in our faces. As if trying to better your relationship and deepen your connection is a sign that you in fact have Aspergers. Is ASD something she has any understanding of? My DH admits he’s probably on the spectrum but makes out it’s not a big deal. Having a DS with ASD has given him even more reason to think we all should just accept it. Never mind how it’s affecting me and DD who also finds it hard when her brother doesn’t show an interest in her. The kids are a special interest for DH so his light shines brightly on them.

@3luckystars its definitely worth a shot. Please let us know how it goes. I’m always a little sceptical of people making money out coaching but the ASD specialists seem to have great insights into neurodiverse marriages. I think it’s hard when you’re in it to see a way of bettering things.

I’m sorry @BustyLaRoux what a headache when it was quite a simple plan. The fact he sprung information and then went and did his own thing must have been so frustrating.

@FreshLaundry how horrible for you to now not have that shared interest of seeing the world anymore. It’s really unfair how starkly they change.

@Rainbow03 there in lies the frustration. They don’t think they’re wildly different from the early days. My DHs favourite is that I got him all wrong in the beginning and misunderstood how he is. I could only go on his actions and he completely love bombed me. To now he faded with someone who can only get me a gift if he’s specifically told what to buy is disappointing.