Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

Would you avoid visiting someone who was ND and made you feel awkward like not talk to you or avoid eye contact? Even though you know they are ND.

I used to say these kinds of things to DH. It didn't change anything. He just thinks I'm 'judgemental', and opts out of as much social stuff as he can except for occasionally getting drunk with his friends. It all seems so sad and joyless.

I'm still struggling with my feelings about Christmas with DH. I feel so sad that he doesn't seem to enjoy being with our kids and opts out of anything except watching films. I feel like I've lowered my expectations every year and yet I'm still disappointed.

What would you do if you were me?

I’ve no idea but I’m always disappointed really. I’m not happy with a lot of the relationships around me. Full of ND both sides so very little joy unless you abide by their rules. They won’t ask how you are, what you doing, nothing about you at all. It’s all so empty.

@LoveFoolMe Only my experience but you can’t change him. Regardless of whether he can’t help it, or he can but doesn’t want to, he’ll do whatever he wants.
The only thing you can do is to accept this is how he is with his dcs and chose how you want to do things knowing this is how it is.

It is like having another child. But worse. Joyless. And lonely.

Hmmm depends. The three autistic people in my family are actually very sociable. I mean, they offend people quite a lot, or say things that people cringe / eye roll about and talk about themselves a lot. But that’s OK. I guess we expect it. Some of them are easier than others… Would I avoid going to someone’s house if I knew they would avoid talking to me? Asking how I am? Engaging with me, etc? No. I don’t think I would if there were other family members I wanted to see. Their awkwardness would be balanced out by the other people I guess. My ex BIL was fairly antisocial. He just doesn’t really like people that much. He doesn’t say much. We don’t have much in common. But I didn’t avoid seeing him as that’s just how he was. And there were other people there if I wanted conversation.

Exactly this. Accept and make the best of it. Or leave (if you can’t find a way to accept it). The halfway house of staying but always being disappointed is mental torture for you.

It’s going to be hard either way.

If there were other people there I'd visit. Or if they made it really clear that they wanted to see me. If it was just them and they gave no indication of enjoying my company in any way then I'd probably try to avoid future visits. Was it a friend/relative of yours or his?

With @BustyLaRoux on this. It would depend.

Would just add that it's first xmas without "d"h and by golly it was so much more comfortable even though up earlier! Only you know when it's enough. However, family court is not fun ... so for those of you with young children just be aware that history is very much rewritten and victimhood/disability discrimination is very much a thing! I hope 2025 is better for us all.

Well i thought we’d survived Christmas but spoke too soon. DH bit my head off yesterday and stomped upstairs…

We’d agreed over breakfast that we’d go for a walk into the village at some point yesterday - no other plans and no time constraints. After breakfast, he wanted to have a bath then a hour later, when he was done, I hopped in the shower to wash my hair. He showers every day but never cleans it, so when I use it, it inevitably ends with me giving it a good deep clean. Anyway - 45 mins later I came downstairs dressed abd hair dried and started boxing up some items to take to the post office when we went out.
Then DD appears in the kitchen in full coat, boots, hat saying ‘come on mummy, we’re all waiting’ and they’re all standing in the hall fully ready to head off on a walk! DH said he ‘assumed’ that me coming downstairs means I was ready to go - I then (daftly) pointed out that simply asking me if I was ready to go rather than assuming would have meant we all had the same idea of timelines as there were a couple of things I wanted to do before we went. Apparently he ‘can’t be expected to operate like that and consider all the possible permutations’ before stomping off.

Even writing it down it sounds so ridiculous but I’m just ground down by the fact that he will have planned the day in his head and that’s The Immovable Plan. Any deviation (despite the fact nobody else knows His Plan) causes friction.

His linear thinking came up when we were talking about some planned house renovations - I suggested possibly reconfiguring something a different way and he just kept saying ‘but that’s not what’s on the drawing’ (which I drew!). When I’ve tried to explain that my role in a creative industry is all about considering different options and generally follows an unpredictable, circuitous loop - you test different ideas and sometimes abandon them, sometimes end up back where you start but know that that you’ve considered all possibilities. He thinks that’s a ‘ridiculous way to work and nobody thinks like that’.

It’s a regular reminder that I often shield him from scenarios that aren’t a linear, binary decision because the fall out is too much to deal with. We had a serious leak earlier in the year and before he’d woken up I’d isolated that part of the system, called someone out to do a temporary repair and then arranged for a replacement part to be installed. It would have been much easier with two pairs of hands but he just wouldn’t have been able to cope with the uncertainty.

@TwinklyTornadoBear I know that whenever DW starts a sentence with "I assumed" something completely predictable has upset her plans that she neglected to tell anyone about.

We've had endless sniping and digs, one full on meltdown, one day of sulking, one day spent in bed. One major meltdown by a different family member. Pretty much all based on totally unrealistic expectations and lack of communication. And as usual me picking up the slack and the inevitable broken pieces.

One example: DW made a very ambitious commitment to visit a relative for a few hours that required a 6 am wake up and 5 hours driving crammed into an 7 hour round trip. Total meltdown by relatives we're staying with meant that no-one got any sleep and DW bailed leaving me to do the trip, that I'd advised against, on my own.

One more day....

Long time lurker here, having come out of a relationship with my undiagnosed (but undeniably) Aspergers ex.

I have a question for you all, with your specific experiences of the unique nuances of these relationships (and often their breakdown).

I dated an undiagnosed (but undeniably) Aspergers man for a couple of years. We hit some of the struggles you are all familiar with and poof, he was off, ultimately like a switch. The way that all happened I realise it could never have worked - relationships need to be able to withstand a few storms - but having said that I have found it very hard to ultimately make peace with.

Which leads me to my question. Do you think these relationships might be harder to get over in some ways? The way it ended was just bizarre. He was rather wonderful - funny, intelligent, handsome - and our relationship had been brilliant but at the same time he was just… odd, difficult, and sometimes things he said left me speechless. He couldn’t get enough of me but I feel like I fell for a trick. He must have known he is ASD, I think. When it became apparent it was very apparent. I do think he loved me very much but I also think he scripted a lot - certain lines and routines of asking things were rehearsed/robotic - and it was all much more transactional for him. I’m just gutted. I fell for this man that was really a mirage, and so the man I miss didn’t really exist in the way I thought. At the same time it’s the brain-bending thoughts that those parts of his personality - seeming rude, entitled, arrogant etc - were actually because of ASD. And he genuinely couldn’t see it if i brought it up - in fact he was so offended he ended it, saying it was all me.

I’m left feeling a little guilty that I ‘reacted’ to what was basically like constant little paper cuts day after day. I’d say something to him and he’d just do it again. I know you ladies know what I mean... He could be so lovely but I wonder if that was all actually just about how it worked for him, almost a bit sociopathic.

It’s still a head f*ck a year on, and the way he behaved I shouldn’t be thinking about it at all. I need to put it all to bed and forget him!

I should add I never brought up ASD with him directly. I only pieced it together (with some professional help) afterwards. I am also a supportive person and with hindsight had accommodated a lot as I didn’t understand the full extent of small behaviours that then grow and grow in to the big picture..

Maybe they are harder to get over because there was no big bust up, just a slow realisation that he has autism,
It’s hard to accept he is the way he is, like his hair is brown, and there is no changing him.
It might be hard to get over but I feel you had a lucky escape. It’s so hard dealing with a difficult person every minute of your day. In my limited experience, they are the primary focus at all times, forever, you will always come after them. That’s not a good balance and it takes a toll.

@LoveFoolMe I'd probably look to end things if constantly disappointed in someone but appreciate this is terribly difficult

@rainbow03 no I wouldn't avoid visiting someone unless I felt like they didn't want me there. The ND people I know are friendly and invite me over.

@Redlorryyellowlorry1 my partner is asp/ND and I guess it's different to many here because we have no children/no plans to live together but are dating. I think i would struggle myself if we split at this stage because he treats me so well and has a lot of the traits you mention but I don't think you/anyone should beat yourself up for seeing past this and understanding what's right for you/walking away, especially before marriage and kids. He just showed you his true full picture and that rang alarm bells that there was no future.

@Redlorryyellowlorry1 what made it harder for me is the fact that I KNEW the way dh behaves is hurtful but he never meant to be hurtful.
For me, it feels very different to someone who does the same thing but out of spite for example.

I’ve got a family member who Im pretty sure does it out of spite and it does feel really awful. I find it easier because you aren’t left wondering, you know that they aren’t nice and to stay away. It’s so hard when you aren’t sure what’s going on. It leaves the ball in your hands with what to do which for me is a challenge to figure out what is best. They are nice, they aren’t nice, they can’t help it etc etc, too many uncertainties for me. Do I feel awful because of my own expectations, have I the right expectations on and on until I end up doing nothing.

Yes when you know they do things to hurt you, it’s much easier to move on and tell people to get lost.
the hard part is that you still get hurt. Death by a thousand (paper?) cuts. But it still hurt

For me it was the lost time and the people I lost who passed that I could have spent more time with if not for trying to figure out what was my life at the time.

@3luckystars Yes I know rationally it was a lucky escape and in the long term the challenges we hit would have resurfaced again and again. I’ve just never had an experience like that with someone before. I loved him so very much but trying to talk or address stuff with him was like talking to my 8 year old son (despite him having an excellent public standing job etc). His hypocrisy by way of how he sneered over other people but was in abject denial of his own ‘quirks’ was just bizarre. I hope at some point I can forget about it but it’s just so sad that it was ASD and not his intentions.

@SpecialMangeTout Yes. Exactly! It’s so nice to speak to other people that get that. All those times, those little paper cuts, he probably didn’t mean. But still, he was f*cking rude some times. And how he would always tell me how I was feeling, or how my character is, and would constantly point stuff out that I was doing wrong but he apparently was doing so to be helpful. But I loved him, and I’d have worked to sort it with a bit more openness. But I gather if it is autism wiring it doesn’t work in the same way, in that wiring doesn’t change. Only probably more scripting and masking. As you can tell I am still quite confused about it all.