Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

It’s nice to share some good bits too @FreshLaundry x

Happy Christmas Eve everyone 🎅🎄 or God Jul as us Swedes call it. Slightly ambivalent feelings about Christmas this year but hoping it will be a good one for DD!

It's nice to hear some if the good bits so I will share some too, focusing only on positives.

One thing I absolutely love about DH is that he really enjoys joining me in all the Swedish traditions and is always keen to make sure we have everything in so we can partake in traditional foods. This year he even made an order from ScandiKitchen for us so I wouldn't miss out on some ingredients/foods that Ocado weren't stocking this year.

He is excellent at buying thoughtful gifts so I can look forward to receiving some nice things tomorrow.

In all likelihood he will also cook the Christmas Lunch and make an effort to ensure DD has a good day.

Wishing everyone a good Christmas 🎄

Hello everyone hope you’re doing well. I’ve never posted on this thread before but have been following for a while. I wanted to check if this is the right place for me to post? I’m looking for advice/support. I strongly suspect that my DP has ADHD and possibly ASD, although no diagnosis. I know armchair diagnosis not helpful but as I have at least 1 ND family member and am possibly ND myself ( I have 2 conditions both of which are sometimes considered to be part of the ND umbrella) I’ve done extensive reading/research about ND, including books by ND people. Anyway, would it be ok for me to post here?

@Billnben you are totally welcome here!

Not all of us have their dh/DP officially diagnosed. Many reasons to that! And some of us have DP who have been diagnosed late on life, after many years in our marriages (often after a child has been diagnosed)

And similarly, some of us are NT and others are ND too.

So real mix of situations. Which is ok. We can all learn from different perspectives.

Thank you. We’ve been together a few years but things have finally clicked iykwim. Would be really interesting to know if others think I am on the right tracks thinking ADhD/ ASD. I think it would explain a lot although DP not interested in pursuing a diagnosis. Some of the main things-

• He likes lots of stimulation-TV, working, playing on his phone at the same time. Watches same programmes on repeat as he likes the familiarity

• He has a sector he works in that he’s really passionate about. Has part-time work with an organisation in the sector and then part-time also works on his own projects in that sector. Spare time also doing related activities.

• Gets very grumpy if he feels he isn’t able to spend enough time on his part-time projects and activities every day. Tbh, he’d like to make a full-time living out of these but it’s a tough sector

• Seems to struggle to know or explain what his needs or emotional state and often gets overwhelmed/grumpy because he hasn’t prioritised his own needs or had enough time on his projects

• Hygiene issues-doesn’t like to shower regularly (can’t explain why) but gets ashamed by his smell, hates brushing his teeth and puts this off for days unless nagged. Doesn’t like the sensation/brush makes him gag

• Chores-really have to nag and remind him, often forgets or doesn’t prioritise things until things are a complete mess-e.g. over-flowing bins

• Very socially anxious, doesn’t like/need to spend a lot of time with others, doesn’t do well with office politics or rules

• Cab get very annoyed if asked to do something now, even if asked nicely and is something we previously agreed

This isn’t everything and he is an amazing partner in a lot of ways. Some of these things are really difficult to deal with though!

Hello all
New here but feeling like I could have written some of the posts in the last few days.

I'm ND (Adhd) and DP has far too many of similar symptoms for him not to be.

We have some issues at the moment and I don't know how or where things will end.

As I write this he's gaming and he's mad about something so he's taking his anger out by yelling and swearing at the game.

I have to say DP has a lot of good traits too and right now I just don't know what is a normal level of happiness in a relationship.

I am pretty sure I know what is bothering him and it's mostly issues that don't have an easy fix like we need more space. We are working on resolving this but it's his house too.

I have rejection sensitivity as does he so there's a part of me that just wants to move out and end the relationship. That's not a healthy way to deal with stuff obviously. Also I don't know if I'm just ignoring my instinct.

So umm merry Christmas and look forward to speaking more

Rowing that is really sad for you. I’m sorry you didnt get the love and support you needed.

Another one with a dp who isn’t very good when I am ill or hurt…however can be VERY sympathetic to others. Its grating to say the least.

Nice to see some positives on here too though. Another great present buying dp here, who will also co host brilliantly tomorrow.

its a weird mix sometimes isn’t it. My ex was awful at presents and co hosting but pretty good at emotional support or when I was ill.

Its hard to know sometimes if its a case of wanting it all in one person (if a man like that exists, though a LOT of my female friends are the whole package to their partners and I wonder why it happens so much this way round but not the other) or just being with the wrong person.

Its healthy to leave a relationship that isn’t working for tou. Marriage and relationships aren’t an endurance contest, like crossing the Sahara.

Nothing like getting off to a typical start.

I just asked DP if he was okay and explained why I was concerned. He was just annoyed at an issue with the game and when he's mad, he's really mad.

Typical of me to think I've done something wrong.

I also just contacted a therapist because talking to someone in real life would also be helpful at the moment.

For sure, and I don't think either of us are at that point.

Merry Christmas to you all.

it’s a strange atmosphere in my house. Not unpleasant, there is joy to be had. It’s not the joy I thought I wanted but it is joy, nevertheless.

my marriage is not easy but I do believe h is doing his best. What else can I ask of him?

Merry Christmas 🎅

I’ve been pondering this. Is it the knowing the other person is trying/doing their best enough, even if their behaviour isn’t easy

I have known I should leave for about 20 years, and have not because I saw that he is genuinely doing his best. I am trying to make it enough because how can I leave, break my vows which I took sincerely, because my husband does his best?

I am trying to make it enough. There is a cost to that, I’m hoping it is worth it. I have found a peace, I’m no longer so angry that he is not what I thought I was signing up to, but, this man who does not value people or friendships chose me and wanted our children.

I can make that enough. Maybe not forever, but for now it’ll do. There is joy, my ability to recognise joy has broadened, or what I’ll accept as joy has.

it’s a fucking effort.

I’m sorry, that sounds hard

Wishing all of us here as peaceful a Christmas as possible x

I Hope you’ve all had a really nice Christmas.
Or as nice and relaxed as possible.

I've been expecting a meltdown, it happened this morning, provoked by my Dad it has to be said. We've been going through all sorts and DW has taken too much on, ridiculous expectations, and as ever zero communication.

Five more days of "celebrations" left - there will be more fireworks for sure.

Happy Christmas guys. We had a pretty good day despite me and the kids being under the weather. Other half tried but you know he’s just behaving as the script says, but at least he did make an effort with the kids. He did have to have elbow poked many times to break him from the doom scrolling. He doesn’t instinctively know he needs to watch the kids. Also things like please make others drinks and not just yourself and please remember to offer others food not just yourself etc etc. I think he looks incredibly selfish to my family at times but I know he isn’t behaving like this on purpose. Older daughter with ADHD got a bit overwhelmed and didn’t eat and was quietly fixed on her toys.

The kids and me have had a lovely time. They opened their pressies, the ones i shopped for and wrapped. We had yummy food and great conversation.They both mentioned what a nice time they had yesterday.
The only fly in the ointment was dh.
He called from work, to tell us all about the food they are having and the gift they all got from the company.
Even though we were all there he didn't wish them Happy Christmas, didn't ask what they got, didn't even speak to them directly. The whole conversation was all about him.
My Christmas present this year was dh not being here.🎄

Sounds lovely. I was really surprised because late in the evening my partner brought us all out presents he had bought as a surprise for each of us. He is really very good at buying things that you wanted. He will remember a conversation from months back when you mention something you’ve liked. I on the other hand can remember nothing. He gets very annoyed with me about this.

Wise words @Seriestwo.

Sorry you had a difficult situation @Daftasabroom. The emotional hangover from these things is real.

Hope everyone can have a chilled Boxing Day, it's usually a low demand one!

Belated Merry Christmas everyone!

DH did his own thing yesterday. Seems sad but better that than to expect him to join in and end up arguing about it. He did join us to watch a film in the evening.

Had a few dramas with DD1 but DD2 seemed to enjoy most of the day.

Christmas Day went well tbh.
That is until the evening when my dad lost his balance, fell over and knocked a tooth out + bruises on his face etc…. (He is also low 80s).
Nothing too serious but it’s the 3rd time in less than 1 year that he has lost his balance like this so that’s worrying me :( (and yes dh still incapable of emotional support there)
dh was completely blindsided but very good at following instructions (please help my dad getting up by doing this and that) so that was good. My mum and I would have struggled.
Our Boxing Day has been very quiet…..

Christmas Day lovely here. DP had left everything to the last minute though and had lost a lot of the presents he’d bought!!!. Still haven’t found something he apparently bought me. He was wrapping stuff to go under the tree at 10am on Xmas morning!! Despite me urging him in the three weeks up to Xmas and sending numerous lists of things he needed to do/get. His need for autonomy kicked in I think and he ignored it all. The only proper presents his kids had were ones I’d got them. Thank goodness I did. We usually buy for our own own kids but thankfully I had got a couple of smallish back up gifts in case he left it too late. But nobody fell out. And the kids were happy. So that’s the main thing.

DP was on good form throughout the day, but of course dinner was two hours late. However as he had 12 people to feed, he did a pretty amazing job. I was a good host I think. All the nibbles home made, nice candles lit, everyone furnished with Xmas cocktails and champagne. Of course I set expectations for myself too high so was exhausted and spent too much time whizzing round (ADHD) and ensuring everyone was happy and I didn’t spend as much time with the children as I wanted. The bit before dinner was far too long, so by the time dinner was served I was a bit pissed (my fault). And the evening I had planned (TV, a bit more relaxed, games, cheese board) was a bit short and a bit manic. It was lovely to be able to host my family for the first time in 14 years, but I think next year we will revert to me and DP and our 4 DC so it can be a bit more chilled out. (I will also drink less and ensure DP gets dinner out much earlier!)

I hope you all managed to navigate the day and the wobbles and the complexities and everyone enjoyed some time with your loved ones. Sending peace xx

Arghhhh back to being a relationship manager again! “That’s really not an appropriate thing to say”, “you can’t have people over and sit and ignore them”, “will you just put aside your needs for a couple of hours please”, “if you behave like this people just won’t come”….arghhhhh! I think we’ve all had enough really! Anyone else feel like they constantly have to apologise to people and then talk to your grown ass partner like he’s a child explaining what is and isn’t appropriate. I’m beginning to hate social situations and I find them hard myself with my own ADHD struggles but there is no one holding my hand or advising or supporting me.