Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

@hoonoobrooncoo , definitely get help/ therapy for yourself , you sound like you could benefit from support from a few others too. Can you share your feelings with friends or family?
Take good care of yourself and keep coming back here . There are plenty of people here in similar situations and it feels so good to realize you are not alone, the only one and you are certainly not crazy. ;)

@BustyLaRoux , mine has memory problems with details too. He is brilliant with things that are important to him or his job, hobbies . He can remember millions of songs and their artist's names, movie directors etc. But the names of friends of mine, cousin's children, or former coworkers not often. If it doesn't benefit him directly he doesn't encumber his mind, if you will.
He can never remember to leave the washing machine door open after running though I have explained to him many many times. It is unbelievable. I put a sign on the door and he noticed it yesterday , 3 years afterwards! He said , "oh so we are leaving the door open now? Sometimes we have to leave it closed, sometimes open, make up your mind." I was absolutely shocked ! Of course he is never, ever wrong ...

How are your partners when you are sick? I’m having a terrible flare of my chronic fatigue syndrome and he’s just wondering around identical to every other day. I feel like I’m dying and he is just same old, no how can I help, how are you, absolutely no concern and I feel so so unwell. I don’t expect him to be able to fix it but she has no concern. I don’t understand.

DP and his DS will not (even after five years together) put the correct stuff in the recycling box. We have one big box in the kitchen. Everything goes in here. Then me and my DS seem to the ones ahi take it outside and sort it into the correct boxes and bags (we have about five different ones!). Me and DS do the complicated bit. Our recyclers are very strict. If there is an incongruous item they refuse to take the lot!
DP doesn’t even have to sort it. Only put recyclable materials in the big box and me and DS will do the rest.
And yet he and his DS continue to put in there snotty tissues (particularly disgusting as time and DS have to fish then out!!), wooden sticks, black plastic, kitchen towel, hard plastic….. regularly when I sort the box there will be 5-7 items that are not supposed to be in there.
I even wrote a list on the lid of banned items. No tissues, no black plastic, no corks, etc.
He ignored it.
I asked why he wasn’t using the list. He shrugged and said “I won’t be looking at that!” (That would be him being told what to do and he has an issue around autonomy and needing to have this at all times).
I have begged him to please stop putting snotty tissues in there as it’s unpleasant for me and DS to have to deal with. His reply is a weary and patronising “YES DEAR!”

i imagine this is all just boring detail to him that only us plebs have to deal with as he thinks he is on some higher plane….

@BustyLaRoux , we have the same dh, but mine is from the continent. Did they go to the same school of annoying behaviour?

As you know I have ME too.
And no dh doesn’t change his routine, doesn’t acknowledge I’m not well. Not even a ‘Tired?’. When I was really bad and had a relapse, he didn’t even check I had something I could eat in the house when he was going away (even if fir a whole week)
It was eye opening I must say.
And has changed the way I relate to him quite deeply.
Because shit really hits the fan, he can’t be relied to be here.
I have to say, I’d struggle to be here for him now if things were reversed.

See also refusing to acknowledge my illness fir years, making me feel like I was just lazy, not wanting me to use my wheelchair, tutting if I mention taking my BB when we take his car etc….

No answer here apart from just putting everything in place that supports YOU, as of he wasn’t here. That’s the only way I could cope. That includes financial stuff too,

Do you think it’s because they don’t actually care? It’s of no interest? Doesn’t benefit them? I can’t work it out. Mine seems irritated by it. I told him before we got together properly all about this illness so it wasn’t a surprise.

Rainbow03, a few years ago I was knocked down by a hit and run driver, no sympathy that day or since. In the back of my mind since that day is what support would I get if I had a long term debilitating health issue? Another thing to face alone within the marriage?

I wonder do they simply not recognise your distress, or their own for that matter?

Dh simply doesn't acknowledge me being ill. How would he cope? What would he have to do? All about how it would affect him. Just hurry up and get better, kind of attitude.

And that’s where it’s all about their feelings comes in. I’m not sure if this is how my partner feels. He lived alone and coped until I met him when he was 30, moved out when 18. He just is oblivious, hasn’t a clue how to appear understanding. His mum is the same, completely avoidant. I suppose it’s one way of hiding the fact you don’t really understand, just completely avoid it.

I've come to realise that dh basically hasn't a clue what's going on with either me or the kids and sadly he doesn't seem to care.
Any illnesses, injuries or emotional struggles the kids have gone through i am the one that deals with it. I would always cover for dh's lack of concern or empathy. I would always verbalise to the kids what I wanted him to say, or thought he should say, iykwim.
It was only a few years ago that dd asked me to stop covering for him.
Actually since then the kids and I have talked quite openly about how dh's lack of interest in them and their wellbeing has impacted them.
My illusion of what kind of family I had has been shattered. The damage that dh's lack of affection and interest has had on them (and me) is heartbreaking. The fact that they just accept it makes me so angry at dh.
I'm coming to terms with the aiding and abetting part i have played in covering for dh.
Now that I don't speak for dh he basically doesn't interact with the kids at all. 😮‍💨

I've been lurking for a couple of years on these threads as my H has pursued his ADHD diagnosis. I'm frequently nodding along and moved to tears by some of the descriptions you all give. Especially today from @Noplannow "I had every right to say those things to you because I was upset, you don't have the right to feel hurt by them because it was your fault in the first place." *wow that describes last night /this morning. He has no idea I'm upset because he made me come home from a night out. He probably thinks I'm not speaking to him as admitting that I was wrong to be out. It's very messy. (I was going to take the car to dinner with friends and not drink, then pick up teens coming home from a thing they were doing elsewhere. He suggested that he would take me to the dinner and pick up the teens later. We have a younger child who would be asleep by then (and completely safe). But at teens pickup time he phoned me raging that I wasn't home to be in the house with the younger one. Completely defeating the purpose of me not having the car.)

Same, we've had a travel hiccup today which I've only tried to solve with kindness but me just being here us a problem seemingly, he's blamed by me and I'm distressed. It's the clearest I've seen his rejection sensitivity yet. And it sucks! No chance of approaching things as a team.

DW is the only woman who gets man flu.

@Rainbow03 i have no idea why dh behaves like this.
my guess work makes me think about different possibilities

• can’t get his head around me ‘being tired’. It has no meaning for him. But somehow when it’s about high BP, then it’s important (maybe because he can see the numbers on the equipment?)
• too much happening around him. I got worse at the same time his dad died, he started to support his mum etc… it seems that he can’t do more one thing at once. He helped his mum so there was no bandwidth left for me. Now that the)nags have settled down with his mum, I seem to have moved up, the pecking order and he notices when I’m (very clearly!) unwell.
• he knows what he is supposed to do and can mask! We are at my parents right now. I didn’t do well with the trip there and he is all helpful. In a way he isn’t at home….
• i dont think it’s about caring/not caring about me. I think it’s more about his ability to deal with me being unwell. And a very low tolerance for things not happening the way they normally do

Happy Christmas Eve Eve everyone!
Have already had a terse conversation with DH and it’s only 6am… DD5 was preemie and colds always stick on her chest - she was coughing earlier and DH threw the duvet off in dramatic fashion (a la Field Marshal Zhukov) and stomped into her room. Comes back a few minutes later, annoyed as she was ‘lying flat on her back completely awake even though she’s got 3 pillows’. I asked whether she was ok and if he’d got her some water or Vaporub - even though I know full well he hasn’t. In that moment his brain only goes as far as the impact on him. Of course she’s ok but it rarely (and I’m only writing that as trying to avoid absolute statements of behaviour, but never would definitely be more appropriate!) occurs to him to do anything to help the other person.

i recognise so many of the coping mechanisms mentioned here in myself and am genuinely concerned about the impact it’s having on the kids. I always try to gently acknowledge when he’s gone OTT in a way that doesn’t spark his defensiveness but also lets the kids know it’s not OK. @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy what age were your kids when they started being conscious of this? DS is only 9 but pretty switched on and has a very strong sense of right and wrong…

Funnily enough, the main source of conflict between him and DH is the lack of detail processing mentioned above. I always joke that DS is a lawyer in training as he’s meticulous in remembering detail and will find the loophole in any argument or instruction. Which combined with DHs shocking memory and dislike of being wrong is a recipe for disaster. I do intervene to back him up, but then am berated by DH later for ‘undermining him’.

There are two stock phrases I would ban in our house if I could… ‘Well I disagree’ is DHs standard response to a conversation he thinks he may in some way ‘lose’. It’s quite clever really as it pitches personal opinion again fact in a way that instantly shuts down a conversation. It’s his way of acknowledging he’s wrong without actually having to do so, but it does get rather ridiculous at times ‘the sky is blue’ ‘well I disagree’.

The other is, when asking him ti remind me about something ‘I’ll try to remember’. A get out clause from the outset!

I do worry about the future, especially this time of year. I remember slightly mad christmases with a house full of people and food and laughter. The kids made and decorated gingerbread for the neighbours and DHs immediate response wasn’t ’oh what a lovely thing to do’ it was ‘oh look at all this mess’ (for a 5 and 9 year old, there really wasn’t any mess). It took under 5 mins to remove almtrace of it ever having happened. Then at dinner he got annoyed because the kids were talking and chattering about their day - not being silly at all and the kind of behaviour that people compliment us on when we eat out. But apparently ‘it’s too much’ - he wanted quiet so we were all supposed to sit in silence.

Im nervous that despite him talking about his mothers lack of emotional awareness and seeing life as an existence to be endured, he seems to be slowly heaving down a similar path.

Hi @TwinklyTornadoBear Happy Christmas Eve Eve to you as well!

I could have written some of your post! The astounding lack of memory for detail combined with a need to never be wrong = brain infills the detail (incorrectly), DP convinced his version must be correct and cannot accept a different version, or even accept there is a small
possibility it might be HIM that has misremembered. I wouldn’t mind too much but it’s his absolute insistence that I’m wrong. It’s always me that’s wrong. And it often causes confusion. He’ll say he’s booked something. Then the next day will say he hasn’t booked it. And when I say “but you told me yesterday you had booked it!” Hell flatly deny saying that. When I say I am certain he definitely said he’d booked the appointment, he just gets annoyed with me and says I have misremembered again! (But I know I haven’t!! It’s utterly maddening).

Like your DH he has a catchphrase which is “we will have to agree to disagree!” And exactly the same as you, this is just to shut me down whilst maintaining he is right. He says this, and once he’s said his shut down phrase, I must not make a single utterance about our lack of agreement, or shake my head or sigh or make any indication that I am frustrated. If I do he will simply shout “AGREE TO DISAGREE” at me again and again and again, louder and louder.

I’ve started doing this back to him!! We don’t agree. He’s misremembered again but is insisting his made up version is correct snd everyone else is wrong. I will say ok well let’s just agree to disagree then. (Ha!). And he can’t do it!!! He can’t allow himself to be shut down the way he does to me. So I say his stupid catchphrase at him and he’ll say “fine. All I’m saying is….” And repeats his viewpoint because he must have the last word. I’ll interject and say “but I thought we were agreeing to disagree, no?” and again he will say that’s fine but will then need to repeat his version a few more times. Laughable that when he issues the dreaded phrase we must all be silent immediately. But when it is issued to him, he can’t handle it and needs to have the last word. (He also tells me that I always have to have the last word!!!! And I’m like “I am literally walking out of the room in silence while you shout your last word at me. I am walking up the stairs and you’re still shouting at me! How is this me having the last word??”)

I realise this all sounds very toxic and petty! Mostly I just smile to myself and disengage immediately when he tells me I’ve misremembered. I’m like “hmm ok”. The kids also know not to bother disagreeing with him. They know he will just insist he is right and end up shouting at them.

I think the poor memory for detail, filling in of blanks, insistence on being right and getting quite angry about it seem to be common. My DB finds the exact same with just autistic DW. He manages it by just saying “ok”. This isn’t good enough though. She needs him to agree with her. And she will keep on and on at him to admit he’s wrong. Eventually he will just get up and walk away and say he doesn’t want to argue. She usually gets upset at that point and says he’s being horrible to her….

I try not to take it too seriously. It’s annoying but not worth getting too upset about. I would love it if DP could acknowledge that he doesn’t have a great memory for detail and sometimes gets a bit muddled with what he might have told me. But I may be waiting a long time! So I tend to make a joke of it as humour seems to be my go to coping mechanism.

I will now say some nice things about DP to balance out my rantings.

He will make us all a delicious dinner tomorrow. He will be jolly and we will make a good team entertaining our guests. I will be on tidying and drinks duty and he will be on dinner duty. The kids will all be very excited and DP will be very happy for them. We will have to work hard, but we will remember to keep it light hearted and be affectionate.

We will have 5 autistic people and 4 with ADHD in our household on Christmas Day so it will be an interesting mix of NDness!! 😜 We will both laugh about this while trying to manage all the different personalities. I am looking forward to it actually!

All very similar here @TwinklyTornadoBear 🫂

What a lovely post @BustyLaRoux. Many of us come here to let off steam and it's refreshing to read something positive once in a while.

Hi @TwinklyTornadoBear
I remember the conversation with my kids, then 14 & 16. So around 3 years ago. Everything has been slowly unravelling since.
I think their school was having a MH awareness week and we had been chatting, talking about how much has changed since dh was diagnosed with ADHD in the 70's. (A diagnosis given but very little help or guidance for parents) compared to today.
Both dd & ds said they have felt no connection with their dad for 'years' and I would probably say as soon as they started having their own minds.
I feel enormous guilt for my part in them having such a shit dad.
They both have issues because of their fathers lack of affection and interest in them.
I can accept that i inadvertently chose an shit husband and will deal with the fallout , i can always leave.
I can't forgive myself for choosing a shit father for my kids though. They don't get to leave.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy its not your fault. I do understand what you mean because I think my mum was gutted she’d chosen to marry my dad because he’s such a dreadful father. Entirely self focused and very demanding. Performs the role of “dad” but there is no emotional connection. His only interest is what suits him. If me or my DB suffer in any way (illness, divorce, etc) then he moans that the news has “depressed him”. And my mum felt awful about this. But she was young when they met and she wasn’t to know what kind of dad he would be. Besides if she’d chosen someone else, we wouldn’t be us!

Oh @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy you really can’t beat yourself up about this. Despite what we like to tell ourselves, there is no perfect parent and no perfect child for that matter. We all have our demons and as @BustyLaRoux said - without him you have entirely different kids. I’ve learned over the past 18 months that even my friends who seem to have it all figured out are dealing with their own challenges. Frankly - I’d be bloody proud of having two children who are emotionally intelligent enough to recognise the behaviour.

The one thing I am very grateful
for is that DH recognises his ‘Mr Hyde’ side when it comes out. Once he’s had time to digest, He apologises (openly) to me and the kids and explains to them why what he did was wrong. I wish he could see that in the moment but at least he rectifies it. Hes had to unpack a lot of things from his own childhood over the years (dad passed away when he was young, brother was elevated to man of the house whilst he was perpetually infantilised by an emotionally unavailable mother. At times it does make me question whether his quirks are innate or learnt behaviour from his mother who is very much ‘let’s just get this over with, with the least fuss possible’ about everything, The amount of times I have to remind him that you can enjoy the journey as well as the destination.

Though as @BustyLaRoux says, this thread is a bit like trip advisor and you’d be forgiven for thinking we’ve all chosen to spend our lives with the most insufferable gits. The reality is much more nuanced thiugh.

Just to share some more positive moments, DH went with the children and my relatives to a super overstimulating activity so I could have some peace with my Mum, who is very down atm. Very much appreciated that ❤️