Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

@Rainbow03 That is a good point, about two people needing to take responsibility for making a connection. My DD also struggle with connection although she's managed to maintain a good friendship with another autistic girl, they seem to accept each others way of being. One unexpected benefit of getting her a Nintendo switch and Animal Crossing a couple of years ago seems to be that she's learnt a bit about giving and taking as a means of maintaining relationships with the 'villagers' on her Animal Crossing Island. Also, since playing The Sims 4, she also has to ensure her Sim's needs, including social and happiness, are 'met', meaning they have to have positive interactions with other Sims etc. Quite a lot if social skills in that game 🤣

@Rainbow03 I feel your pain re relationship with DD, mine shouts, kicks and snarls at me on a daily basis 😩

Honestly it makes me wonder how the generation grew up without diagnosis have coped through life. What coping mechanisms they have, without anyone ever trying to teach them that other people have feelings etc from an early age.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore they makes me feel a little better about screen time 😂

There's quite a bit of 'learning' involved in gaming, obviously depends on the game, as well as it being a safe space to be in when the world is just too much. (Or is that just my excuse! 🤣😸)

(I might have made a Sim version of myself who lives on a lovely little horse ranch with my horse, unicorn foal and a mini goat! No men in sight!)

Dh has just confirmed that he is leaving for work this week and will be gone until January.
I felt relief and joy. How fucking depressing is that😮‍💨

Talking if Sims. I play Sims mobile. I have 3 versions of me. Young, party, hippy me. Sensible organised me and slightly plump middle aged living in a cottage me. I have one male, gay with an immaculate sense if style and a clean home.
Says everything really😁

I just don't know, heavy masking or becoming very introverted perhaps?

Dors this mean a calmer more relaxed Christmas period?

Love this! On Animal Crossing I live in a lovely cottage by the sea with my own private little beach and fishing spot by the river!

Probably. What I don’t understand is that I get not all people need people or get things from people in the same way so why do they get in relationships? My in-laws are like this. Neither of them have any emotional needs and neither of them get any emotional support from each other. They exist as 2 people who go through life void of emotion. Why get married, she threw out her wedding dress the day after, won’t wear a ring. They have forced this way of living on their children. I have very little relationship as I can’t form close relationships like this. I suppose it works for them but why try and make your family relationships like this and actively promote that emotions are pointless? When we meet up it’s like a tick box exercise, they aren’t actually interested in us.

I suppose they don’t kniw any better. Why do people wear clothes when its hot? Convention! They just followed the form of the convention and did what ither people do without feeling what other people feel.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore It means calmer, less resentful so definitely more relaxed.

That makes sense. I suppose that’s why we must also follow how we feel and not base how we feel on what others do as who knows what parameters or conventions they have.

I was about the say the same. He is preempting you being upset as he knows he did something that would upset you. Instead of just apologising! Our negative emotions are triggers and he’s been triggered by the anticipation of your negative feelings about his behaviour. It’s so unfair on you. A simple “sorry I didn’t mean to make light of things. That wasn’t very helpful, was it?” would have been fine. Instead he’s made it all about how he is feeling. Which is fairly standard. I am sorry. It’s shit xx

@Rainbow03 I think part of their makeup is to be out of touch with their feelings. So like my dh, they follow conventions in their highly rigid way of being. ( a bit of generalization here not everyone is like this. They don't know how to connect to your or their own feelings and that is pretty sad if you think about it.

Cut off from or at least unaware of a huge part of what makes up their personality/ humanity. They have to anticipate, project, guess their way to relate to others. They fake it. (Masking) I think this is why they are so complicated and tiresome and angry.

@BustyLaRoux I think they are totally consumed by their feelings because unaware of them. They can't get any distance or objectivity about themselves. They remain emotionally immature and protect themselves all their lives.

You have to be an adult and emotionally mature to be vulnerable to another person , to accept your flaws. That's why they cannot take responsibility for their behavior and apologize- even for the smallest of mistakes.

I suppose that can make them extremely avoidant of things and places that provoke feelings they have no control over. I know my family are extremely avoidant. I am extremely uncomfortable but I tend to just jump in and deal with it.

Honestly, I’ve taken such a huge step back that I don’t sigh or comment anymore.

And you know what? The scowling and grumbling under his breath is there just as much.

I dint think it’s always ‘us’ they’re upset about. Far from.

@SpecialMangeTout Yes! Stepping back seems the wisest thing to do . (that takes maturity and patience and being in a good place yourself
though ). Not take their behaviour personally. Yes they are easily set off/ triggered by so many other things and people. I agree, not reacting ( grey rocking) is often the best response.

I think I need to work on my 'grey rock'! Generally, most of the time, I just let things go but when it's in front of DD I often feel obliged to gently say something so she doesn't think I'm ok with being spoken to like it. H is better than he was, just slips up with comments like the 'burn half the teddies' and the like, which is when I just can't help but to say something.

The key seems to be not to take it so personally I guess.

This is it, it's not necessarily personal yet I guess I've been conditioned (not by H perhaps, could be from childhood) to take the blame and try and amend and fix things.

This resonates with me. I dont get criticised for eye rolls but the whole ‘im in a bad mood therefore its ok for me to be waspy all day with you, but if you are with me in return then you’re being unsupportive’ game.

Does he just act this was with you, but seem able to be lovely, or at least behave acceptably with eveyone else too? I think in your shoes I’d also be hurt that I’d put up with all the offloading onto you but that its being out that makes him feel better. You’ve been patient and kind all day but other people get the good side. Its bloody unfair.

Emotional punchbag is such a good description. If they were physical punches everyone would be shocked with the bruises they left.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. He is lucky to have you, and you are worth so much better.

Itreallydoesntmatter/Rainbow03

Can I just say how much I feel for you both without it sounding patronising? To go through this with a parent or significant other is so hard, but with a child youhave the extra layer if never, ever being able to walk away from the situation. It must take so much out if you both. I admire you both for being the best parents you can and helping your kids try to navigate the world around them so they have a chance at successful adult relationships later in life. You are awesome women.

Thank you @Tinyhousemoouse despite working with SN kids and having training in Autism I had no idea I or H were ND until DD was diagnosed! It certainly brought some challenges 😆