Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

@Tinyhousemoouse thanks but I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing and sometimes I just want to run far far away!

There does seem to be a few of us in this situation where it would be tricky to just 'leave' as kids have additional needs which the ND OH might not be able to meet/cope with. This thread has really helped me see that so thanks to everyone who've shared xx

Name changed again for fear of being discovered.

I think I’m done, my needs in this marriage count for nothing and never will. I didn’t sign up for this, I want kindness, empathy and intimacy. Just back from a city break and seeing other couples has really brought it home.

Sorry if I’ve derailed, I needed to put it down in black and white. I’ve a lot to think about over Christmas.

@RowingDucks you can end a relationship for any reason if it's no longer working for you 💐. I get the sadness. Hugs.

@RowingDucks Totally get it.
My last 'moment ' was yesterday when I felt nothing but relief when dh told me he's away for the holidays.
I think this time of year brings it all home. It's all about the love and i realise how little of that exists in my marriage.

@RowingDucks sending hugs, totally get the 'moment' thing xx

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy agree that this time of year is an eye opener. Hope you have a lovely, relaxing and calm Christmas xx

The new year is a great time for changes and new beginnings and it doesn't all have to happen all at once. Dr Ramani made a YouTube episode last spring (or one before possibly) about how Spring is a great time to make big changes as it's aligns with the natural cycle in nature etc.

Maybe January and February is a time for planning and getting 'ducks' (!) in order and then when Spring brings lighter mornings and longer days it feels somewhat easier to make those changes. Fresh buds and blossoms bring hope and joy with them. The zesty coloirs of spring brings energy and lightness too ❤️

Sorry I don’t want to de-rail. I was just thinking last night about lots of the relationships in my life. Some of them have been hiding great issues. Do most people mask something? I was always under the impression that everyone had it together apart from me. But as I’ve become more self aware I’ve started to realise that lots of people are “pretending” to fit in. My issues I feel (perhaps part of my own ADHD) is that I often turn up unmasked. I don’t shield myself and I get hurt often. Whereas others behave like a poster upthread said more conventionally so appear to fit in easier and hide their real selves so don’t get hurt so much. I tend to have a very small circle of similar people. I’ve often wondered how other people have really large circles of friends? More friends hides inner shame, if more people like me I can convince myself that I’m normal. Or are some people just easier to like?

I wonder if that is why my current relationship is much more successful (not perfect). I don’t pretend to fit in, I live much more authentic and less conventional. I wonder if unconventional leads to feelings of shame because we want to be like others.

Interesting Rainbow.
I think in general any relationship/friendship where you feel you can be your authentic self stands a much higher chance of success. I was married for two decades though, to someone I was truly myself with, and that didn't work out either.
I definitely mask in certain situations, and am possibly TOO unmasked in others. Looking honestly I think the only people I am truly myself with are blood relatives. In the times when I’m not OK its them I turn to, and even then not 100% as I know they have their own crap going on, and I also know I can be very flip floppy in my thinking and dont want to drag other peoples emotions all over the place, so I keep a lot to myself.

BUT when I hit a really hard stage where I’m not coping with my SO’s challenges I can offload to people I dint know that well.
So I’m probably as difficult as he is to handle in some ways.
I think everyone is just out there without a clue, trying to function in a fairly mixed up world, operating from their own outlook which is formed from all their life experiences and challenges, hoping that one day they’ll find other people that will make them feel normal and enough.
Even though I know we’re all supposed to find that for ourselves, its a long and tiring road and I’ll admit there are times when I’d love someone else to take the burden of being the grown up in life who keeps it all going, and just make it all ok for me…and love me as well as I believe I love others.
But, you know, that possibly wouldnt make me super happy either.
maybe the mistake is that we all believe we deserve to be content, perhaps we’re designed to strive an strugggle.
No answers there, and a lot of all over the place thinking. Sorry.

Your last bit though, I’m not sure about fitting in, but mostly because I just don’t, nor do I need to, in that sense I’m very comfortable in my own skin. I can fake it and have fun with pretty much anyone, but I’m happy being my own inner little weirdo when I’m alone. Maybe thats its own peace.

@Rainbow03 im not ND and yet I’m still not fitting in either and often wear a mask.
My own conclusion is that finding people where you can truly be yourself is rare. Because most people, as you said, have issues of their own/are emotionally immature.
I mean, I know it’s unusual for example to find someone who will be happy to truly listen to you wo judging.
Lots of people have had emotionally immature parents or with MH issues, health issues etc..and carry trauma of their own etc etc….

Buddhists say that ‘life is suffering’. Not a fun thought but no one is ever going through life wo encountering hardship and struggles.

@RowingDucks i get it too.
The realisation that things will not change and your needs will never be met by your partner is a huge realisation.

Then comes the decision of what you’ll do about it.

🫂🫂🫂

Apart from a narc lol! They just make others suffer!

@SpecialMangeTout It took me a long time (probably in my early 40s) to realise that a lot of people are not as 'together' as I had thought and most have their own issues and challenges to deal with. As your Buddhist quote says, life is suffering, but maybe this is why we need to embrace the good moments and find joy in the small things because life is hard.

Media and Social Media in particular has a lot to answer for I suspect. DD and I had a Horrible Histories phase last year and it made me appreciate living in this century rather than probably being branded a witch and burnt at the stake for not following the social rules and liking cats!

@Rainbow03 Over the last 5 years or so I've gradually withdrawn from spending time those who I can't be myself with. It means my social circle is very small but it means a lot less anxiety. I am extremely lucky to have a handful of old school friends (also ND, no surprise!) who accept me as me.

My first H did not accept me as I was and I masked a lot around him and his family (who we saw a lot of) as well as the people I worked with and the people I thought were friends. It was so exhausting and in the end, I don't think it made me any more likeable as I probably didn't come across as genuine and I would often say what I thought people wanted me to say rather than express my own opinion. I was probably quite boring actually 😅 Now I wear my Star Tek T-shirt with pride and embrace my inner geek!

Since gradually unmasking I have met a couple of people who seem to be ok with me being me but it's taken me a long time to get here and for a few years I felt really lonely as my old friends are in my home country and I was struggling with H.

Bit this probably isn't just an ND thing, MN seems to be full of NT women with more interesting and varying interests and personality than my inlaws and people I tried to connect with previously (who were mostly about soaps and reality TV).

I don't think think they have TBH. Or not least as well as they/we could have done with the perspective of a diagnosis or the insight that brings.

@Daftasabroom. Are you saying that ND people don't naturally have the perception that other people have feelings?

In my case yes I have perception but it will often come second to how I feel. My feelings and my comfortableness in situations always comes first and I have to fight against this. Sometimes I talk quite horrible to myself,
like for gods sake “Anne” will you just stop thinking about yourself. If I’m not comfortable there seems very little I can do. My daughter on the other hand currently has very little perception of others feelings. She will recognise intense sadness but more so like in my case because she feels uncomfortable and what’s it to stop. It can seem very selfish but it’s a just a wiring error.

I think it’s why I have a small circle of friends because I need people really to make me
feel comfortable. I have the most sensitive switch to people, especially to judgment. If I sense judgment of others in people then that’s it I’ll switch them off forever. I do however put a lot of effort in return to make them comfortable with me.

I think it’s more “I know you have feelings but it doesn’t actually occur to me to think about or prioritise those”. Very difficult to even have a conversation about feelings without theirs being the main focus. This is for the 3 autistic individuals in my life anyway. DP can park his feelings and discuss mine if the wind is blowing in the right direction and I persevere. But it can be hard fought gains on my part and often not worth it. But my dad and SIL. I’m not sure they can. My dad has very little concept of others. My SIL thinks she is empathetic but really she is so defensive that if anyone tries to talk about their feelings with her, she immediately jumps to her own defence and says “but you’ve done this to me, what about how I feel?” It is actually impossible to have a conversation about feelings with her because of this. Whereas my dad would just look at you blankly as if you spoke in a dialect he couldn’t understand. He’d probably say “ugh, right….what shall I eat for dinner next Monday?” And you’d be left just shaking your head and wondering if he’d actually heard you!

My family would point and laugh in my face if I brought up feelings. They are so insignificantly insignificant. Feelings are for silly people we only need to think about logic. It’s extremely hard to live an authentic life around them.

@Rainbow03 it must have been so hard for you growing up. I can see you’re someone who feels their emotions quite forcefully (like me and my DD who both have ADHD). To be ridiculed for having feelings and having to suppress them must have been awful. Growing up, I had my DM (until she left) and she was my supporter. I don’t think I’d have survived without her as my dad has zero interest in me or my feelings. He didn’t laugh in my face like your family though. How very sad. Xx

@Rainbow03 , you are so perceptive to recognize your family's inability to accept your feelings! I thank you for putting this into words.

I grew up with similar people who would not accept my right to have feelings but didn't realize that this is what the problem was. I just felt bad about myself or squashed my own feelings, seeing myself as being wrong for having them! And I married someone exactly the same, ie., highly logical and believes emotions and feelings are stupid.

It has made me ill. I have C.F.S. Emotions have a lot of power and I’ve suppressed my ADHD heightened ones for a long time.