Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

Thanks for the welcome. I’m busy reading through all the threads and its really eye opening.

its the selfishness that gets me. The expectation that their issues are really important and require that you give your all your love, time, patience and energy to them, but the moment you need something back you get nothing. Amd the. Blame for actually feeling something that makes them look/feel bad.

im so tired of it…and im not even married to him.

We are due to get married. Im having a very serious rethink.

Excellent insight , Tinyhouse.

Hi all.

DH (undiagnosed)has boken his leg. We have just done 6 weeks in a cast. Now physio and hopefully back to work after Christmas if all OK.
This has been the worst 6 weeks of my life. His neediness and selfishness were at max level. Feeling sorry for himself and constant talk about himself and his woes.
He could not cope with been out of work and the change in his routine.
I am exhausted. I gritted my teeth and got on with it. I ran around after him, tending to the kids, cooking, cleaning, shopping, listening to him, getting him pain relief, cups of tea, etc etc etc. I also have a job and work part time. While I was at work he seemed to manage getting his own cups of tea.
Now that the cast is off and he's more mobile he is reflecting over the past 6 weeks and telling me I was very unsupportive. Like WTF.
Having him around full time moaning and groaning had changed my feelings for him (I was already doubting our relationship ) and this has really pushed me into disliking his behaviour even more.
Anyway we have 2 kids etc...so not in a place to separate but just feel really angry and fed up of him right now.
I know you guys will understand.
Thanks for reading.

We completely understand! Sending love and strength 🫂 xx

Nothing to do with ASD, but if you feel ‘tired of it’ and have second thoughts, please don’t get married.
Its not going to get better once you’re married.

🫂🫂

Im having issues with this at the moment. The complete inability to put any weight to others needs. Even when told them being nonchalant and eye rolling about it. I’ve said over and over you need to adapt yourself to fit others sometimes. You have to stop this black and white thinking, I must win, I will not back down thinking. What winds me up the most is others must accept or that’s it, no relationship, no adapting, do self reflection as to why the relationship doesn’t work. Simply just moving on with no thoughts about how the other person feels on the other end. This has to be the worst, they don’t think that perhaps the other person is hurting and it’s at their hands. If the relationship doesn’t work on their terms then it doesn’t work at all. I mean I’m not sure there are many people who you meet in life who are 100% like you. We adapt and we accept people and on a whole hopefully it works. They meet people and you adapt or die!!!!!

I think you know in your heart this isn’t right.

When we got together DP would often talk about his ex and he would say she didn’t understand how to “manage him”. I actually think that was very insightful. Which isn’t usual. But it was, or should have been, a red flag. Because he was correct. He absolutely needs managing. Only what he neglected to say was that the managing of him will need to be the ENTIRE focus of the relationship. The other party (me!) will need to ensure his needs are listened to, attended to, often intuited because he won’t be able to communicate them very well. That I would need to put my needs to the back as vocalising my needs can often act as a trigger for him. He will feel criticised if I have a negative emotion and he reacts badly to criticism so better to push my needs down than articulate them. And as long as I do that everything will be fine. I say fine. It’s not fine. I am not a robot and obviously I can’t suppress my emotions at all times. I try not to vocalise them, but I can’t suppress them entirely. But even a fleeting sigh or look of irritation on my part can set him off. Sarcastic comments and refusing to speak to me or worse: a barrage of how awful I am, how much he has to put up with…All because of one sigh! He sighs and makes comments all the bloody time (!!) but of course I know better than to make an issue of them. It’s not worth it. But he can’t let a single thing go and will ALWAYS pull me up on every tiny fleeting look to pass my face. I feel like I’m not allowed facial expresssions!

If someone had told me that back then I don’t think I’d have continued with the relationship. I think if you have a choice to make and the description I’ve given resonates in any way then you would be mad to go through with it. I am sorry, because I don’t feel it’s my place to tell you what to do. But I do wish I could jump back in time and have a word with myself and change my storyline. I guess you have a chance…..

That certainly sounds like my DH @BustyLaRoux. It's the double standard that I hate.

If you are able to give and give and give, never complain or have a desire, or negative feeling then go ahead and marry him . If you are not Mother Theresa or the Christ himself, I would suggest you break this off. These are not the reasonable, adaptable, loving, understanding or giving kind of people that you are. You cannot change them. And noone is worth the sacrifices and self-denial that this type of partner expects.

Over the years several friends have said I've got the patience of a saint @Whataretalkingabout 😇😆 Oh dear....😕

At least I can laugh about it I suppose 🤷🏻‍♀️

And now he's furious with me because I (very carefully and gently) pointed out that he was doing the thing he was angry with DD1 for doing.... 🙄😢

Thank you x

This is long. Sorry. I’ve had a proper shitty day!!!

DP has been awful all day. He has a long overdue task that’s very important that he promised would be finished on Friday. It wasn’t done. Then said definitely it would be done yesterday. It wasn’t done. Then promised today it would be done….. The consequences of delaying this (already significantly delayed) are pretty huge. I cannot help any more than I have. He has to do it and file it. For weeks he’s found other things to do - all manner of things which could easily wait but he enjoys doing and would rather do than the thing he has been putting off for weeks and weeks.

This morning he I suggested we go for a walk. I put my foot down and said no. We can do that later AFTER you’ve completed that task which you promised would be done on Friday. He didn’t like that and went off in a huff.

And then the petty criticisms started. And they did not stop all day.

I suggested we fill a blank space with a nice mirror. His response was to tell me that if we did I should remember that “someone” (thinly veiled dig at my DD) is compelled to look in mirrors and will stand there looking at it all the time. (I felt like saying if you just want to call DD vain then go ahead!). I just walked away as I could tell he was spoiling for a fight.

I asked him to get something out the freezer for me. Reply was to text me “fruit all over the freezer. Again!!!!” (Another dig at DD who forgets to reseal the frozen fruit sometimes). I said just leave it and I will clear it up when I get home.

I got home and instead of doing the admin task he doesn’t want to do he had started clearing out the utility room!! Found some screwed up papers and an old box which were obviously rubbish left in there by my DS. So DP got them out and left them in the MIDDLE of the kitchen floor to make his silly point and try and get a rise from me. I asked what these were doing here. He replied with another thinly veiled dig at my DS. I didn’t rise. I cleared the things away and threw them out.

He then starts complaining the wifi isn’t working and proceeds to tell me it’s the new smart TV I’ve just bought my DS for his birthday that’s causing it. I asked how a TV could make the wifi worse? He shouted back “I DONT KNOW! Don’t ask me to explain something I don’t understand!!!!!” (But our wifi is always bad and has been for a year or more. It’s a constant bug bear since he upgraded it!!! Though out of the blue he has suddenly decided it must be the new TV. The one I bought (so my fault) for my DS (another dig at my DS: He gets a TV and we all have to suffer!!!) Although I know this is what he was trying to imply, there is no evidence for this. Again he just wants to poke me to get a rise.

This is what he’s been like all day. I have ignored it all. I can only assume it’s because I refused to go for a walk until he finished the task he’s been putting off. He must have felt criticised and so went on a criticism rampage about anything and everything to do with me and my DC. All day. One after the other. Barely pausing for breath!

Eventually he comes upstairs and says he’s sorry he’s been in a foul mood all day. I said yes I had noticed. I had been trying to ignore it. He sulkily says “well you hadn’t done a very good job! I saw all the shoulder droops and eye rolls!” I said “well yes, after your 67th complaint of the day I’m afraid I might have been a bit wearied by it all!” And he repeats again that he has noticed and I hadn’t done a good job of ignoring it (so another complaint then!!)

And then says he doesn’t know why he’s in such a foul mood. I say perhaps it’s this task hanging over you. If you got it done it might make you feel better. He says no, it’s definitely not that. He doesn’t know what it is, but he knows it’s not that. I ask if it’s me. Have I done something? He snaps “I IUST TOLD YOU I DIDN’T KNOW!!!” I just walk away and go and have a little cry. The only reason I’d gone out was to buy him an extra Xmas present that I thought he might like. He doesn’t deserve it!

I waited for him to go out so I could breathe. I watch a Xmas film and eat some chocolate. But it doesn’t cheer me up.

Then he messages from the pub that he’s feeling much better now. Thinks he was fed up of being cooped up all weekend. And just needed to get out. Says sorry again.

But that’s it. A one word apology for ruining my day. I refused to be drawn into an argument although clearly that’s what he wanted all day. A conflict. I guess so he could shout at someone and let off steam. I wanted to say “is that it? Is that all I get? A one word apology after you making me into your punch bag all day??” He didn’t ask if I was OK. Didn’t offer to make it up to me. Just went on about himself and how he felt better now.

Me me me me me me. It really is all about him. I’m just a secondary character in his play. I’m so tired of it all. I am a human being with feelings!!!!! I am grateful he did recognise he was in a foul mood in the end. That’s something I suppose. But the casual way he just messaged to say he was feeling much better now as if that’s all I should be concerned about. Never mind how I might be feeling. My feelings aren’t important. I’ve been off work with stress (very unlike me!) and tomorrow is my first day back. I’m feeling a bit anxious. Today was my last day not working. And instead of asking how I’m feeling, he was just horrible to me all day. But hey, it’s ok, because his majesty is feeling a bit better now.

Oh and that task. Still not completed!

Fuck My Life!

Do you think the stress is caused by him?

Yeah. He is the worst procrastinator I’ve ever met. He will put off an urgent task for months. I know it stresses him out. Hell overpromise and under deliver all the time. Massively underestimate how long a task will take. He’ll tell me/his solicitor it’s half an hours work and he’ll have it done by the end of the week, but the reality is it is 6-7 hours work and it will be 2 months or more before he gets it done. Once he’s fobbed someone off with an “end of the week” promise, he then relaxes and decides to go to the out of town farm shop for eggs (we have eggs here on our high street!) or he’ll drive across the city to get a hair cut. Again we have several barbers right here. He’ll decide we must have a certain type of sliced meat that he can only get in this little deli and go off driving there to get it. All this fussing over ingredients that I couldn’t care less about. But that’s his hobby. One of them! Food and ingredients. He then gets stressed as the deadline approaches and has to stall people. And then again breathes a sigh of relief he’s bought himself more time and goes off searching for more ingredients we don’t bloody need! But he’s living in this perpetual state of under delivering and things closing in on him. And failing to do stuff (his words). And it makes him angry because anger is his go to emotional response to any difficult emotion. And I am the punchbag.

Anyway it’s OK. I’m OK. I’m used to it I suppose. I slept badly worrying about work and going over and over my horrible day yesterday. But I have to get up and face the world. His majesty seems to be on better form so maybe he’ll spare me another day of complaining and criticising.

@BustyLaRoux Oh I'm so sorry, that is just shit (and so much like my H) and what a rubbish way to add stress for your return to work. Emotional punchbag sums it up, again similar here. Hope you can find something to bring you a bit of light and hope today and that your return to work goes well xx

Hearing you @Lakeviewhouse what is so hard is that once your feelings have changed due to their behaviour, it's very difficult to get back to where things were 'before' the realisation. These threads are great as you feel less lonely.

🥰

H has no filter at all it seems, yesterday morning I was having a morning when my ASD/overwhelm/anxiety was really affecting me and I made a few clumsy mistakes (like cutting off the hanging bit for a bauble, rather than the tag as well as dropping things as it makes me physically clumsy too) as a result, apparently this gives him the green light to joke to DD about me having a 'ditsy brain'. He then quickly said 'oh mummy will tell me off later for that' and then proceeded to sulk for a hour or so, whether it was because he knew he was wrong or if it was to silence me I don't know.

I mean maybe he was trying to make light of it but the way he said it felt like he was making me out to be less that somehow. These jokes of his are often laced with some dig or undermining content and it means DD now thinks I'm just this silly, clumsy person who isn't very capable. When he realises or I challenge him H will then go over the top and praise me for things which just sends a confusing and somewhat uncomfortable message.

Just venting a bit, will keep working on detaching myself further next year. Feels like we've slipped back into being together, rather than separate but will address somehow in new year.

Sounds like just trying to control the situation before it even happens. Nothing wrong with being ditsy and not on form sometimes. Could you perhaps use it to talk to your daughter about how we are a mixture of things sometimes. Sometimes we struggle and sometimes we are super and all those things are absolutely fine. What we do is comfort those who are a little overwhelmed and offer support, we don’t laugh. He doesn’t know the social way to behave to get positive loving connections.

I’ve had a nightmare of a weekend with family over. One the OH sitting on his phone scrolling and not socialising or keeping an eye on the kids. Two my daughters behaviour. When we have people over she has learned this is an occasion she has control over as I don’t want to shout or make a scene over her rude and disrespectful behaviour towards me. So she has been awful, scowling, eye rolling and literally hissing at any demands or instructions. I’ve had just about enough of the both of them. I did a huge sigh in bed and he actually asked oh what’s wrong. So I talked about my daughter and how upset I was that we just don’t have a connection with each other. He listened and then promptly asked can we have sex now. I mean really!!!!! Sigh

Oh and the double standards discussed uptread, yes to this. I feel like I'm silenced or conditioned into not sighing, as some PP mentioned, or questioning anything in sny way which could be perceived as critical in any way, shape or form or it leads to sulking and scowling.

@Rainbow03 thank you, yes I think that sounds like a good way to model for DD that we can't always be on form.

Your weekend sounds exhausting when you need your OH to help with the DDs snd ge just sots there on his phone. It's like they can opt in and out of parental responsibility and we just have to be 'on it' whether we feel up to it or not! Why can't men see that when we've just shared and talked about an emotional experience it really isn't the time to switch the topic and initiate sex!

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore What gets to me is adults who can’t take any responsibility that they have “issues” with the way they connect. I take responsibility for my ADHD, I know that I suffer with rejection, I know I’m forgetful and get overwhelmed. But I know that if I want a positive relationship then there are steps to reach this point. I can’t treat people badly or be avoidant and then blame the other person for not connecting or getting what I want. I’m struggling with my daughter because she continually tells me why aren’t you like the other mums, why can’t “you” be normal. But other children don’t scowl, ignore, lie, cheat, shout, tell their mums they wish weren’t there mum, laugh if I cry all day everyday etc etc. This happens with all her relationships at home and school. I find all of this hard. How do we teach someone that two people need to create a connection. I love my daughter, I can’t ever stop but I don’t like the behaviour or how it impacts our lives, we are all just hanging on by a thread.