Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

I like the idea of a rota! Currently all soft toys are on the bed but at some point they might take turns in hibernating.

You might be onto something there about jit being able to take accountability and responsibility @BustyLaRoux H is very rarely at fault over anything and will almost always blame something, someone or anyone but himself!

@SpecialMangeTout I might have the same book (in my stack of books I've accumulated in trying to understand myself, my relationships etc). It's quite a sad read as I saw my parents in there, myself and also H and his family/upbringing.

Maybe I should read that. I’m the internaliser. DP will trip over something and shout at whoever is nearest. Shout that he told someone to move that. Shout that he’s hurt himself thanks to someone else….. always the blaming and shouting. Funnily enough the three people I mentioned will sometimes pretend to trip over something and exclaim loudly in pretend pain so they can shout and blame as they actually seem to enjoy it! I’ve caught all three of them out when they think they’re not being watched. I know they do this. It’s so bizarre. DP has admitted he’s done this!

What’s the name of the book @SpecialMangeTout ?

I’m an internaliser also. My partner and daughters blame absolutely everyone else. Only yesterday my daughter slipped on something and instantly attacked outwardly to anyone who could have left it on the floor. I simply said it’s an accident, it’s no one’s fault, but she had to find someone to burden her feelings on. It turned out she was embarrassed so was on the attack.

Maybe sometimes the internalised shame over doing something perceived as 'wrong' is so strong that for some people this leads to blaming others? H has admitted he carries a lot of shame, something which is very common with ADHD and maybe ASD too.

The book I read is called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

I can vouch for the uncomfortable feeling as I have ADHD and I hate certain feelings, especially jealousy. I know everyone feels jealous and other not so nice emotions but they aren’t felt as intensely. We are not really taught how to handle these emotions very well either. We all want to feel good emotions it’s just not always possible. I think lots of people have issues with emotions but maybe they use them as a force for improvement. For example maybe jealousy could be used to work harder and do better. For me it’s more of a hard pull backwards, I can’t use it to move forward at all, I simply don’t know how to absorb it. I can catch myself blaming other people for making me feel it. I hate the feeling and want it to go away. I suppose some people have really disconnected and projected it as a defence because it really feels awful.

This book here

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore Yep same one!

@Rainbow03 I’ve always wondered how it would feel to be properly coach on how to handle your feelings as a child.

I have no idea. It’s like the blind teaching the blind with my daughter. I always try and say to her how would you feel if the tables were turned with some of her behaviour and that’s the only thing that seems to work a little. But when triggered she still reacts. I’ve been told that it’s a long game and the more we work with it it will start to sink in. I’m hoping so. It’s not the emotions that are the issue it’s the intensity and the control. It’s a fine balance between letting her feel them and getting overwhelmed or completing disconnecting. We need our feelings as they are who we are but we don’t want them dictating us as they do me. So hard!

@Rainbow03 Years ago a friend of mine, who has since been diagnosed as ADD, gave me a book about Hyper Sensitive People as she felt that we maybe both had this thing where we experience emotions differently to other people. As if we were just extra sensitive and easily overwhelmed by our emotions. With no idea how to process and deal with these emotions.

We basically spent our teens sharing our emotional woes with each other (and she's still the one person I can share the really tricky styff with as she's often experienced the same) and I know she'shad many years of therapy too. We are both ND but also have parents who can be described as emotionally immature.

In terms of that book I think I need to re-visit it now. What I do know now though is that my parents couldn't help being the way they were, they were ND and also in a toxic marriage. Also the product of their own parents parenting and whatever trauma they might have endured.

Ive name changed to come onto this thread. I really am so relieved to find people in similar situations, though sad at the same time for the struggles everyone has.

Busty, I wanted to say thank you. your post made me cry. Properly, out loud, to my guts cry. The man you describe is so like my OH. I’m struggling to stay in the relationship, and heartbroken at the thought if leaving…because if he could just see and understand some of what you have described in himself, and be open to change, we couldhave something so wonderful. The tears were because you get it. It feels less lonely.

I’ve given so much to be with him. Too much really. But I don’t know how to leave without it breaking me and I think he’ll walk away without a backwards glance. People like that are made of teflon. It feels danmed unfair.

Welcome @Tinyhousemoouse. I found this thread a few years ago and I can honestly say it has kept me sane. Knowing that I am not alone has been a lifesaver. I feel connected to people here, I value their insight and wisdom. Being able to vent and share stories and not be made to feel like the bad guy has been vital for my sanity. ☃️

Although I know my situation is far easier than many of the folks here I find myself mentally pushing back against a lot of the current rhetoric about Neurodivergence. If someone's negative behaviour were caused by alcohol or drugs you'd be advised to walk away but because it's "just" caused by them being differently wired you somehow have to accept. There is a AuDHD photographer I follow who also has a pod case and when DH got his ADHD diagnosis I started following/listening because I wanted a better understanding. I have gradually switched off to it because this man's need to be the victim and the one being maligned by an NT world is so distressing when you know your entire life if arranged around other peoples needs because of their ND.

Yes, although I can see why there are several different camps on this, I do agree with you, even though I am ND myself!

Yes there is a need for understanding and accommodation/reasonable adjustments at work and there is a lot of misunderstandings from NT people in society but hopefully a balace can be found going forward. But I feel that us as ND can also make choices in who we have relationships/friendships with and to what extent that person should be accommodating to our needs, so both parties have their needs met. Of course, if you don't realise you are ND at the beginning of a relationship this is where issues will arise as you emerge from the honeymoon phase.

Some ND advocates are more exteme than others and I'm hoping it won't lead to animosity, rather than acceptance.

Welcome @Tinyhousemoouse ! I’m glad
my description resonated and made you feel less alone. (But obviously I am not glad because that means you’re suffering. And it would be better if you weren’t!) It is a relief to find acceptance and validation and safety here. Like @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy it has been a lifeline for me and many others. Whilst I wish more than anything someone (not me! I’ve no desire to place myself in the firing line) would give these people (again my people, not all autistic people) a good shake and deliver the truth about themselves, I also know that they would be unable to accept or comprehend the information. I think earlier I compared it to trying to ask a blind person to see. It simply isn’t possible.

There have been some minor successes over the years. My dad has apologised to people in public when I’ve told him off for being rude. It’s just his normal delivery though, how he talks to people. He won’t stop doing it. But he can apologise. If told to. It’s a bit meaningless really because he’ll do it without any reflection so his behaviour will never change. At best he can learn a social rule to follow (owner + cherished object = don’t enact violence on it or threaten to, as not funny!) but he won’t understand why or apply the learning to a different but similar situation. He can’t.

DP has done quite a bit of reflection over the years. But it’s been hard gains and often not worth the fallout. As it may take several hours of him shouting at me and a lot of tears (mine) in order to get him to accept what I’m saying. And often he requires me to “accept” something about me in exchange. He does thankfully have a sense of humour and is able to laugh at himself so I can sometimes make a joke about some of his less cruel behaviours. I think he finds that easier to accept than non humorous observations as those are perhaps too critical and threatening and immediately make him angry and defensive and deflect by finding things to criticise me for. So me saying “can you please stop filling the freezer with stuff? I can’t find anything and we can’t shut the door!” is far too direct and will elicit an angry and defensive/attacking response. But if I say “I think you should run to the shop and buy more freezer food as we surely don’t have enough!” while laughing, is much easier for him.

But my SIL is a lost cause I think. She is the most sensitive of them all. And cannot accept any wrongdoing on her part ever. Jokes like the freezer joke would be immediately transparent and seen as criticism. Suggestions to approach a relationship differently are rejected (it is the other person that needs to change!). There is very little hope of change. It’s funny because she thinks she’s a highly empathetic person but she confuses caring with empathy. She is extremely kind and caring, but has zero empathy. I have never met such an easily offended person. Nor someone who cannot accept people might do things differently - they are wrong and she will argue and argue and argue and then take high offence if they don’t change their minds.

So I guess we have to find our tolerance level. Can I accept this? Are there small changes I can elicit which make things more tolerable (dad - meaningless apologies and learning of a social rule; DP - using humour to highlight something less than ideal without offending: SIL - no change possible)? There are definitely ways to make things more tolerable if leaving isn’t an option. Or if it isn’t an option for now. Acceptance and self preservation are key.

Welcome @Tinyhousemoouse it is so hard and so sad to realise how much you give and the unfairness of it all x

Interested to understand if you'd do this all again if you had the chance. My DP is ND, I have children, he doesn't. We don't live together, no plans to. But it often feels like he's constantly sad that im not there with him and wants so much of my time. Im not clear whether this is a ND thing and whether a more 'traditional' set up would suit him.

@Rainbow03 interested to read when you described your autistic mum as my DP has a similar set up, mother never been affectionate/caring, both autistic

My mum was caring of my physical needs. But I would say she mothered form a script both me and my brother and it didn’t really fit us. To this day I carry this feeling. I don’t behave how my family expect. I have to try and tell myself that I don’t have to behave how anyone likes just to make them feel comfortable. (Well as long as Im not running around with my pants on my head). I wish I was more comfortable with affection as it looks nice but I’ve never grown up with it.

What do you mean @Realdeal1 ? Do it all again?? Do you mean would anyone choose their DP knowing they are autistic? Would we marry/move in with them? I wouldn’t. And this experience means I would never date an autistic person again if I were single and dating. I’m out. I’m done. That may be terribly unfair of me. There may be lots of perfectly lovely autistic single men out there who would make a great partner or boyfriend…. But I couldn’t risk introducing another self absorbed, controlling and easily angered individual into my life. (Again this purely my experience and not an indictment against all autistic people).

My DB and I were ruminating about our relationships the other day. I said it’s strange how we both seem to have ended up with versions of dad! My lovely DB replied “yes. How has this happened to us???!”

Perhaps when it’s part of your upbringing you’re drawn to ‘quirky’ people. I think I probably am. But the last few years have taught me to run for the fucking hills should I ever find myself wondering if so and so ‘quirky but interesting’ person might be worth dating. (Note to self: you make terrible choices! Run away now!!!)

Would I get married again?
Honestly, like any marriage, some stuff has been good and some haven’t.
I don’t think he was the right person for me. I still desperately crave care and intimacy.
But I have two dcs I certainly dint regret. I got the opportunity to develop a new career and Dh supported some of that.

Would I choose to get together with an autistic person again? Probably not.

Re your DP.
Plenty of possibilities tbh as to why it looks like he’d want a more traditional set up.
But if you have children, esp if they are young, my guess is that he would find that type of disruption hard to deal with.

No I wouldn’t do it again. My greatest wish was to travel, which my DH said he would do, then promptly changed his mind once we had a kid (and I was trapped). I don’t think he’d narrate that the same way - it would be full of all of his hardships. But hindsight makes us look more directly at effects rather than intentions, and whether we actually fulfilled our potential / dreams.

I know exactly what you mean. I have several people in my very close family also and it’s ‘I want what I want and if I’m discomforted, I will throw and huge tantrum, so that’s what’s happening. You want what I want right?’

So yes I would run an absolute mile, as I am full to the gunnels of it.