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Relationships

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Original poster

My partner doesn’t want a child

128 replies

Biolis · 08/10/2024 11:27

I am 42. I have been single for a very long time. I have realised in spring, that a friend of mine fancied me. I have never thought of him as a potential boyfriend, he is 51. We always got a long so well, so we went on a date and since then we are very happy together, thinking about the future. It has been only 5 months but we both feel like if we have been married for years. He told me that nobody ever makes him feel that happy and loved in his life.

The problem is that he doesn’t want anymore children. As we were friend I knew this, and he knew that I wanted to meet someone to start a family. So when we both fell in love. I assumed he has changed his mind and he assumed I did the same. We were both honest with each other since the beginning. We cannot separate. We love each other.

I thought he had changed his mind lately as sometimes he is asking what names I like or jokes about how our life will be with a child. He has 2 grown up children. He is divorced but have had a good relationship with his ex wife. He is a wonderful father and has a close relationship with his children. Although he is very negative/ worried about everything : If the child is abnormal, if we separate, the sleepless nights, babies are nightmare, the fact that we are both older and won’t be pregnant quickly … I don’t know how to reassure him that all will be fine.

I am confused because he said he doesn’t want anymore children but we don’t use any protection and I don’t take the pill. So I warned him that there is a small chance that I could become pregnant this way. He reassured me if that would happened he would then change his mind and be happy. He would fully assume his father responsibility's. That would be destiny then !

I understand, respect and love him. I don’t want to upset him and make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. But with the facts I’ve stated above I feel I shouldn’t give up on us and have a little hope he could change his mind or that I could fall pregnant. After all It has been only 5 months. But I also ponder if I am not wasting my final chances to become a mother as I am 42. The only thing I would like is to at least try but he doesn’t want he always remove himself.

OP posts:

GuestFeatu · 08/10/2024 11:31

With respect, you're 42 and he's 51 with adult kids. Your time to have a child as a couple would have been 10 years ago. And also with respect, the chance of finding a man who wants to have a baby with you and doing it at a sensible pace and actually having a baby at the age of 42 is fairly low. Could you be happy with the relationship you have without a child?

just read again to see that you're trying to persuade him to have unprotected sex with you 5 months into a relationship because you're desperate for a baby he doesn't want. Time to stop messing around here.

pinkfleece · 08/10/2024 11:32

You're 42......he probably just assumed that issue had passes

Boskit · 08/10/2024 11:33

So - you're having unprotected sex and he reckons if you fall pregnant he'll accept it as 'destiny'?

He sounds like an utter prat, frankly.

Edingril · 08/10/2024 11:33

This sounds a mess he is 51 and you seem surprised?

TheCultureHusks · 08/10/2024 11:33

Children are more important than relationships, really.

Your desire for a child should be much more important to you than him.

So - as long as you are completely upfront with him. You want a child, you’re not using protection, you’ll keep a future baby and he needs to understand that.

He seems a bit of a messer. Happy to ‘joke’ about names but doesn’t actively want a child. He’s 51. You’re less likely to fall pregnant as he’s older too. If you got pregnant, I’d expect his tune to change quickly. Be prepared for this. Give the baby your name even if you stay together initially, and have no illusions.

I wouldn’t be so quick to say you love and respect him really. He seems - immature. Also, are you 100% sure he hadn’t already had a vasectomy? Don’t be so sure - he could have had one post divorce and you’d never know!

Id be totally upfront about putting yourself first and would probably look into IVF anyway, too. Don’t pin your hopes on him - why should you? He’s got grown up kids that aren’t yours, no reason why you shouldn’t plan IVF with donor sperm while you’re still together at the moment. Your child doesn’t have to be his child - you’d be more equal if it wasn’t.

Tel12 · 08/10/2024 11:35

It sounds as if he just wants unprotected sex. Should you get pregnant it's likely that you'll be left holding the baby. Literally. You need to get this sorted rather than playing russian roulette.

Twosticksandstring · 08/10/2024 11:36

Giving his willingness to trust destiny, has he had a vasectomy?

Chowtime · 08/10/2024 11:40

What are your thoughts on marriage OP?

Edingril · 08/10/2024 11:41

TheCultureHusks · 08/10/2024 11:33

Children are more important than relationships, really.

Your desire for a child should be much more important to you than him.

So - as long as you are completely upfront with him. You want a child, you’re not using protection, you’ll keep a future baby and he needs to understand that.

A woman might not need a man but I presume a child may want a father?
They do have their uses sometimes

2Old2Tango · 08/10/2024 11:41

You can't reassure him that everything will be fine though. At 42 there is a higher risk of a baby having developmental disorders, that's assuming you're able to conceive at all. Personally I think 5 months in to a relationship is far too soon to be bringing a child in to the mix. Even if you've known this man as a friend, you haven't known him as a partner.

CleanShirt · 08/10/2024 11:41

He's been open and honest from the start. Don't try to convince him otherwise, that's absolutely not fair.

IslandShore · 08/10/2024 11:42

It is highly unlikely you will get pregnant at 42.

frozendaisy · 08/10/2024 11:43

I would do some research around pregnancy and the possible health risks for both you and any potential baby.

Sperm "quality" decreases with age, as well as eggs.

On the flip side, it sounds like if you fall pregnant he knows your decision so that won't come as a surprise to him. But he's not going to "try".

It's a risk OP, but then most relationships/babies are.

IslandShore · 08/10/2024 11:44

I am wondering if he waited till you were over 40 to make a move (sort of honourable in a way) or am I being cynical.

2G00d2G000000 · 08/10/2024 11:46

Females are advised to use contraception until 55

So you at risk of becoming pregnant !

ToriMJ · 08/10/2024 11:46

I wonder if he's had a vasectomy

ItReallyWasAgathaAllAlong · 08/10/2024 11:48

Surely the fact that a man who is 51 and already had children doesn’t want more can’t come as a shock to you?

Having unprotected sex is reckless. Sort that out.

And this made me snort-
It has been only 5 months but we both feel like if we have been married for years

Purplecatshopaholic · 08/10/2024 11:50

Is he stupid, or has he already had a vasectomy and not mentioned it…. You are 42, so the likelihood is lower, and the possibility of abnormalities for any baby, and health risks for you etc is higher if you do get pregnant. And he doesn’t want a kid anyway! Sounds a bit of a shit show op.

Sixteenandfourteen789 · 08/10/2024 11:53

Oh come on op! Your bloke wants his cake and wants to eat it too! It’s so selfish! And that’s leaving aside the emotional aspects of this that he is putting you through.

He can’t have it both ways.

You need far more discussion and clarity between you before you have this type of Russian roulette sex!

If you still have regular periods and are having regular sex, there is still a possibility that you may become pregnant.

He needs to be overt about accepting that risk. You need that clarity and safety. This is a potential child you are talking about! If this is going to be a committed and long term relationship, then you have to discuss this seriously and honestly. He owes you that!

And if he won’t discuss it openly and transparently then you have to leave him op. Unless you are happy with the thought that you might be a single mother.

Think about it op, a child could potentially change completely the nature of your relationship, or even end your relationship totally, and you are both continuing to do the very thing that may bring that about? It sounds like madness to me!

It also sounds like both of you are not facing up to reality and that leaving things open and confused allows you both sub-consciously to put the particular spin on the relationship that suits you as individuals!

So he is thinking … oh well I’ve made my position very clear at every juncture that I don’t want another child … and I am loving having sex …

And you are thinking …. oh well I really do want a child while he has said he doesn’t want a child but his actions speak otherwise so maybe he doesn’t mean what he says …

So when you say op, “We were both honest with each other since the beginning” this is not entirely true because you have been honest as individuals but you have not both decided a clear strategy between you as a couple! Your separate strategies are not clear to one another!

And when you say “We cannot separate. We love each other.”

I’m afraid you can. Love alone sometimes is not enough. There is always a choice.

Good luck op. It’s so hard. But you have to wake up to the reality that this may not be the relationship that you want it to be 💐

Sixteenandfourteen789 · 08/10/2024 11:54

IslandShore · 08/10/2024 11:44

I am wondering if he waited till you were over 40 to make a move (sort of honourable in a way) or am I being cynical.

I’m afraid that thought did pass through my mind too!

Blueskies3 · 08/10/2024 11:59

Have you been having unprotected sex for 5 months? That’s worth a GP consult. I’d be considering starting ivf with a donor, as you don’t have time to wait.

Mrsttcno1 · 08/10/2024 12:00

I think he may have had a vasectomy too, and I also think he assumed at 42 kids were no longer your plan. As others have said it’s very unlikely at your & his age and carries risks but regardless of that 5 months into a relationship is FAR too soon to be thinking about a baby. The person you are with at 5 months is vastly different to the person you are with after 5 years, you settle down, you stop hiding flaws, you learn how helpful (or not) a person is around the house, you find out what kind of financial partner they are long term (they may pay for every date or meal for the first year but then once settled become a cocklodger). Flaws are very rarely on display after only 5 months, you’re in the honeymoon period, that’s not a time to be thinking about babies.

Snorlaxo · 08/10/2024 12:01

I think he wants as much unprotected sex as possible. If you’re ok with being a single parent and the risk of abnormalities then go ahead with your current arrangement.

I’ve read many stories like yours on here over the years and the men end up leaving because it’s socially acceptable for a man to do that and they don’t gen get sympathy from some people who will think that you baby trapped him for your own selfish purposes.

Snorlaxo · 08/10/2024 12:03

I agree with pp that he’s much more likely to have had a vasectomy or is hoping that you will change your mind rather than for him to become a sudden enthusiastic father to a baby. He’s stringing you on so you keep on shagging him.

FlingThatCarrot · 08/10/2024 12:04

You're having unprotected sex with someone who've dated 5 months who doesn't want another child?!

Definitely don't sound at all mature enough to be a parent.

I would worry about the child having disabilities/ special needs with both of you being so much older. That's a lot harder than an average baby and they are very hard.

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