My partner doesn’t want a child

[Biolis]

I am 42. I have been single for a very long time. I have realised in spring, that a friend of mine fancied me. I have never thought of him as a potential boyfriend, he is 51. We always got a long so well, so we went on a date and since then we are very happy together, thinking about the future. It has been only 5 months but we both feel like if we have been married for years. He told me that nobody ever makes him feel that happy and loved in his life.

The problem is that he doesn’t want anymore children. As we were friend I knew this, and he knew that I wanted to meet someone to start a family. So when we both fell in love. I assumed he has changed his mind and he assumed I did the same. We were both honest with each other since the beginning. We cannot separate. We love each other.

I thought he had changed his mind lately as sometimes he is asking what names I like or jokes about how our life will be with a child. He has 2 grown up children. He is divorced but have had a good relationship with his ex wife. He is a wonderful father and has a close relationship with his children. Although he is very negative/ worried about everything : If the child is abnormal, if we separate, the sleepless nights, babies are nightmare, the fact that we are both older and won’t be pregnant quickly … I don’t know how to reassure him that all will be fine.

I am confused because he said he doesn’t want anymore children but we don’t use any protection and I don’t take the pill. So I warned him that there is a small chance that I could become pregnant this way. He reassured me if that would happened he would then change his mind and be happy. He would fully assume his father responsibility's. That would be destiny then !

I understand, respect and love him. I don’t want to upset him and make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. But with the facts I’ve stated above I feel I shouldn’t give up on us and have a little hope he could change his mind or that I could fall pregnant. After all It has been only 5 months. But I also ponder if I am not wasting my final chances to become a mother as I am 42. The only thing I would like is to at least try but he doesn’t want he always remove himself.

I also think he's probably had a vasectomy already and just hasn't told you. 51 with grown up kids, no man is randomly taking the chance to have a newborn again.

I am confused because he said he doesn’t want anymore children but we don’t use any protection and I don’t take the pill. So I warned him that there is a small chance that I could become pregnant this way. He reassured me if that would happened he would then change his mind and be happy. He would fully assume his father responsibility's. That would be destiny then

This sort of attitude is not good. We're talking about a child here, not an item from a shop.

The reason he's like that is either he truly thinks you're infertile, or he (without telling you), is banking on the fact that if you do get pregnant, and if he changes his mind, he can just expect you to get an abortion, or pressure you into it.

Lots of men have unprotected sex on that assumption, and it's grossly unfair on the women.

you are going to have to have a proper chat with him. You say that you can’t be apart, you love each other etc…if he’s not willing to have a child, you have to make a decision.

Lots of people saying there is a slim chance at 42, however the dozens and dozens of threads on MN of women who have found themselves pregnant, planned or not planned in their 40’s, say differently. It’s perfectly possible.

And OP, you are very nearly (if not already) at the point where conceiving becomes impossible. If you're serious about kids you need to start the process on your own. You don't have months to wait here.

50% chance of conceiving naturally at 40-45 years old.

patient.info/news-and-features/how-difficult-is-it-to-get-pregnant-after-40

I wouldent want a child at 51 let alone at 42.

At age 40 chances of pregnancy within 1 year are 40 to 50%.

At age 43 chances of pregnancy within 1 year are 1 to 2%.

It's a huge drop, but one I wouldn't risk instead of contraception.

I think for me, whenever I see these "can I get pregnant at 40 something" threads, I feel like a lot of women are ignoring the miscarriage aspect. Do you have support if you have miscarriages etc.

It's a conversation I've recently had with my husband before we deciding to try for a second child as miscarriages can be a bit taxing.

This bloke hasn't had a vasectomy if he's pulling out when they have sex!

My friend was first time planned pregnant at 41 yrs and it took them 2 month to conceive . The child is very healthy . So you are able and likely to get pregnant on your side of things . Tbh I think he sounds immature and wants to say to people he didn’t plan the baby ! Or he’s had a vasectomy and not told you !

At age 43 chances of pregnancy within 1 year are 1 to 2%.

I've never heard this before.

Do you have the source please @GingerMaineCoon ?

If you want to become a mother you should really consider going solo. He is messing you around taking baby names and then saying he doesn't want more children. As for having unprotected sex has he had a vasectomy? He is either naive thinking it cannot happen or he has taken precautions to make sure it won't happen. I very much doubt from what you say any part of him expects you to get pregnant. I think you have to accept that if you are going to have this relationship it will be a childless one

Here you are. :)

https://www.babycenter.com/getting-pregnant/preparing-for-pregnancy/age-and-fertility-getting-pregnant-in-your-40s_1494699#:~:text=At%2040%2C%20your%20chances%20of,only%201%20or%202%20percent.

You need to think seriously about how much you want a baby and weigh your options which are:

1. Carry on as you are, chances of getting pregnant naturally are low, and chances of carrying to term are also low. There is a good chance that if you do get pregnant he will leave, but if you don't can you accept it and live happily with him?
2. Leave him now to find a partner who wants a baby. High risk, as you are already almost out of time, you'll be rushing any new relationships but chances of finding a man who wants to have a baby with a woman over 40 are slim.
3. Start IVF now, he doesn't have to be involved. He may want to split up or maybe happy for you to crack on without him and continue the relationship.
4. Accept that the ship has sailed and build a life without children.

Once you know which of those options you can live with and which you can't then you need to talk to him.

@GingerMaineCoon interesting, thanks!

I must have a particularly fertile group of friends, family and colleagues, or there's a lot of secret IVF going on.

That’s missing the crucial fact that sadly 40% of these pregnancies end in miscarriage.

You’re letting him go bareback so of course he will. There’s nothing confusing about that. It doesnt mean he wants a child; it means he’ll ask you to get a termination if you accidentally get pregnant.

If he doesn’t want children then you’re not having them in this relationship. It’s for you to decide whether you love him enough to give up being a mum.

Chance of getting pregnant at age 42 is about 15% but will be higher with young sperm and lower with old sperm. If the guy is pulling out, it’s very tiny/nonexistent. But the OP is confusing about that.

Haha well maybe a new study will come along and revise these stats at some point.

Either way, I think the OP should get the hell away from this guy. He's using her for sex

OP, I walked away from my impending wedding in my 30s when my ex suddenly announced that he'd changed his mind and didn't want children. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and took me 10 years to get over.

Having said that, I conceived naturally years later at 44 and went on to have healthy lovely ds at 45. His dad was 56 at the time.

You have been open that you are not using contraception. He has said he's relaxed about that. Why not simply carry on as you are? Have you asked him if he has had a vasectomy?

And while the chances of birth defects do rise with the age of the dad, they are still extremely small. You could make sure you take the right mix of vitamins, avoid alcohol all together and let nature decide.

Or you could chose to go solo.

I've not been discussing the chance per year of women through their 40s, only discussing the inaccuracy of women being quoted chance per cycle as chance per year, or chance at all, that was the point I was making.

(I also pointed out that your stat re miscarriage, while certainly relevant, still meant that the majority of women in that age range carried to full term).

Re. The difference in chance per year from 40 onwards, I knew it dropped significantly but I hadn't thought it dropped that significantly.

Indeed there is conflicting info out there like this;

"Women in their early 40s have a 28% chance of pregnancy within 6 cycles and a 56% chance within 12 cycles."

"Early 40s" gives people the impression of up to 43, doesn't it (?)

https://www.babycenter.com/getting-pregnant/preparing-for-pregnancy/chart-the-effect-of-age-on-fertility_6155

Sorry, what stat about miscarriage?

Was it yourself who quoted info re. risk of miscarriage around 42 (40% risk)?

@GingerMaineCoon those stats dont surprise me. One of my sisters tried desperately to get pregnant from age 39. Her DH is 10 years older than her. She kept trying until about age 56, I am not kidding. Anytime an actress or model her age had a baby she clung to hope. I did try gently suggesting they might be using another woman’s eggs etc. My sister is 60 now and struggles to be around babies or toddlers. Not sure what my point is.

You think a man you've been dating for 5 months and who does not want children is going to stick around if you get pregnant?

No sorry. Different poster.