My partner doesn’t want a child

[Biolis]

I am 42. I have been single for a very long time. I have realised in spring, that a friend of mine fancied me. I have never thought of him as a potential boyfriend, he is 51. We always got a long so well, so we went on a date and since then we are very happy together, thinking about the future. It has been only 5 months but we both feel like if we have been married for years. He told me that nobody ever makes him feel that happy and loved in his life.

The problem is that he doesn’t want anymore children. As we were friend I knew this, and he knew that I wanted to meet someone to start a family. So when we both fell in love. I assumed he has changed his mind and he assumed I did the same. We were both honest with each other since the beginning. We cannot separate. We love each other.

I thought he had changed his mind lately as sometimes he is asking what names I like or jokes about how our life will be with a child. He has 2 grown up children. He is divorced but have had a good relationship with his ex wife. He is a wonderful father and has a close relationship with his children. Although he is very negative/ worried about everything : If the child is abnormal, if we separate, the sleepless nights, babies are nightmare, the fact that we are both older and won’t be pregnant quickly … I don’t know how to reassure him that all will be fine.

I am confused because he said he doesn’t want anymore children but we don’t use any protection and I don’t take the pill. So I warned him that there is a small chance that I could become pregnant this way. He reassured me if that would happened he would then change his mind and be happy. He would fully assume his father responsibility's. That would be destiny then !

I understand, respect and love him. I don’t want to upset him and make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. But with the facts I’ve stated above I feel I shouldn’t give up on us and have a little hope he could change his mind or that I could fall pregnant. After all It has been only 5 months. But I also ponder if I am not wasting my final chances to become a mother as I am 42. The only thing I would like is to at least try but he doesn’t want he always remove himself.

I think you know this situation is pretty hopeless and that you are very unlikely to have a baby. At 42 the odds of conceiving aren't that high and will be rapidly decreasing, even with an enthusiastic partner.

Am I right that he is using the pull out method? Is that what you means by "removes himself"? I think posters on this thread have missed that. So 42 and using pull out method, the odds are very low. He has probably decided to take the risk that the unlikely "destiny" will not come to pass.

He doesn't want another child and he's said so. If you are to become a mother, this is not the right man to be a father.

I'm sorry if this sounds mean but how long have you really wanted a child? Surely if it was so important you would have put a plan into action in your 30s? Why leave it until your chances are so diminished? Be honest - is it that you really want a child or is it just a last minute panic about your fertile years imminently coming to a close? (In my early 40s I felt a desperate urge to have another child. I resisted and the feeling faded. I'm now 50 and glad I didn't - I look back on it as a temporary and hormonal spell of madness.)

This is awful! I bet the scumbag was smirking to himself about all the enthusiastic "fertile period" extra sex he'd been enjoying.

You've got ~5% chance of conceiving.

PER CYCLE.

Two very important words, omitted.

As is very often the case.

People really need to be accurate about this and maybe there wouldn't a 40 something on the "Pregnancy choices" forum every fortnight having to have an abortion.

Yep, it's actually frighteningly high over a year at 40, for example; something like 44%.

A lot of people do not understand basic concepts re risk per cycle and odds.

It's very likely she will actually get pregnant at 42 if she keeps having unprotected sex! This man clearly hopes she won't and he could become completely unreliable when she does.

That’s very true. I conceived at 42 and gave birth to my only DC at 43. A number of my friends were a similar age too when they had children.

I’ve no idea how many were trying or indeed in some cases whether IVF was involved however the fact remains that I know of a large number of people having often their only child at 40+.

I also don’t know of a single one who had any type of birth deficiency but not sure how common that is. What I do know is that if you are 40+ you undergo an extraordinary amount of tests during pregnancy so maybe people are deciding to abort it n cases where the prognosis is not good.

In saying that op, he's practicing withdrawal - which goes to show you how little he wants "destiny" to happen.

With him at 51, it will be harder to get pregnant, to stay pregnant, and to have a baby with zero issues.

Autism risk is much higher.

Risk of other mental health disorders like schizophrenia etc. is higher.

And you're starting to get into risky territory age wise too.

He's a bad bet for fathering a child (physically). At 42 you need younger sperm & chromosomes, not older ones.

Whether that's via donation or a relationship ...

Also 5 months is deep within the honeymoon period.
At 5 months I thought my ex was something approaching a soul mate. By the time we finished, I felt diametrically opposite.

I also missed the bit in the OP about her partner ‘removes himself’ which seems to mean he’s using the withdrawal method. This is risky at 22 but likely very effective at preventing pregnancy when the woman is 42. OP, given that you aren’t really having unprotected sex, you are very, very, very unlikely to get pregnant. Either you split and you try with some donor supersperm from a twentysomething hunk with a PhD or you stay with this man you’ve fallen for and reconcile yourself to a different sort of family, with more freedom & the possibility of being a (step) granny one day.

What I do know is that if you are 40+ you undergo an extraordinary amount of tests during pregnancy

They can't test for autism etc though.

(I say that as a 40 something first time Mum, I'm not getting at Mums that age).

Yes, I missed that. Makes a massive difference!

so maybe people are deciding to abort it n cases where the prognosis is not good

The 40 something women I've seen regularly on the pregnancy choices forum were not at the stage of having tests ' results, they'd just found out they were pregnant. They were considering terminations because of their relationship status (not serious) or not wanting more kids, or the father not wanting more kids etc.

@DreadPirateRobots @honeylulu I missed that point too! That does change things quite a bit, he definitely doesn’t want a baby.

Wait what? They're using their age as contraception? How do you get to 40 that stupid?

Ohhh, I took he "removes himself" to mean he walks away from the conversation

Because people are spreading misinformation like 'there's only a 5% chance of getting pregnant at 42'.

If you're healthy and you have unprotected sex for a year in your early 40s, you are more likely to get pregnant than not.

“Inyournewdress · Today 12:42

If you look at family trees before family planning, last kid or kids after 40 was very very common. Maybe they were more fertile. I don’t know.”

@Inyournewdress - my understanding (from friends trying for a baby in their 40s) is that you’re much more likely to conceive after 40 if you have already had a child.

But in this thread - and on every thread on fertility - posters state the "5%" "2%" etc for 40 something women.

Without the context that it is per cycle.

(Usually because they don't understand that that is per cycle).

I've seen posters confidently declare that they are "in the 5%" because they got pregnant in their early 40s.

Likewise they talk very confidently about 35 as a fertility cliff

When I posted on here that 90% of women 39 and under will fall pregnant within two years of trying, I've had some of the most derogatory responses imaginable...asking me where I got my "crazy" facts and implying I'm an absolute idiot. (I responded; the NHS fertility page).

If people constantly feed women "information" like this, no wonder some think their chances of getting pregnant in their 40s is almost non existent.

OP try on your own with IVF if your that desperate.

Do not get this guy involved and stop being so bloody naive

Where are people living where they don't come across women in their 40s getting pregnant? Under a rock?

What?
Out of 20 women in my company two aged 42 and 43 fell pregnant in the last year (one of them having healthy baby atm). One is ftm, another is second child.

Women can very much get pregnant at that age. Don't be silly.

Let’s be clear here, the statistics show 40-50% of 42 year olds will get pregnant after a year of trying, however sadly 40% of these will end in miscarriage, that means 24-30% of 42 year olds will have a successful pregnancy after unprotected sex for a year. So no, it’s not a 5% chance but it’s certainly not “more likely than not”.

Also, based on the stats the average man at 51 is 40% less fertile than the average man at 35 so the male age will also be a factor.

Not quite so likely if the man pulls out before ejaculation, though..........

So no, it’s not a 5% chance but it’s certainly not “more likely than not”.

The point is is that it's not a 5% chance, end of.
It's a 5% chance per cycle.
Which are very different things.
That is not understood by many posters on this forum.

The chances of miscarriage, when pregnant, is - absolutely - a relevant factor. But it's not the majority of pregnant women that age who suffer miscarriages. By your stat; the majority have full term pregnancies.

I don’t know if you know many men but I think loads of them enjoy condom free sex with a woman 10 years their junior. Some even make daft remarks to ensure they can continue to do it.

He’s 51 with grown kids - he doesn’t want anymore. He wants sex to continue.

You are 42 and the ship is almost, but not quite, over the horizon. If you want a baby then cut him out of the equation and see a fertility specialist about ivf with donor sperm. I have several friends who have conceived naturally between 40 and 45, it may happen, but not with a chancer who has specificity said he doesn’t want any more kids. Take control.

He is 51, he has like what, 30% chance swimmers will succeed? Combined with your lowered chances (it's not 5% overall but per cycle apparently - I now see I cross posted with someone explaining that well! ) ), he is feeling lucky that lighting won't strike I guess...

It's really not smart to have unprotected sex anyway since he doesn't want moreand you are just 5 months in!