My partner doesn’t want a child

[Biolis]

I am 42. I have been single for a very long time. I have realised in spring, that a friend of mine fancied me. I have never thought of him as a potential boyfriend, he is 51. We always got a long so well, so we went on a date and since then we are very happy together, thinking about the future. It has been only 5 months but we both feel like if we have been married for years. He told me that nobody ever makes him feel that happy and loved in his life.

The problem is that he doesn’t want anymore children. As we were friend I knew this, and he knew that I wanted to meet someone to start a family. So when we both fell in love. I assumed he has changed his mind and he assumed I did the same. We were both honest with each other since the beginning. We cannot separate. We love each other.

I thought he had changed his mind lately as sometimes he is asking what names I like or jokes about how our life will be with a child. He has 2 grown up children. He is divorced but have had a good relationship with his ex wife. He is a wonderful father and has a close relationship with his children. Although he is very negative/ worried about everything : If the child is abnormal, if we separate, the sleepless nights, babies are nightmare, the fact that we are both older and won’t be pregnant quickly … I don’t know how to reassure him that all will be fine.

I am confused because he said he doesn’t want anymore children but we don’t use any protection and I don’t take the pill. So I warned him that there is a small chance that I could become pregnant this way. He reassured me if that would happened he would then change his mind and be happy. He would fully assume his father responsibility's. That would be destiny then !

I understand, respect and love him. I don’t want to upset him and make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. But with the facts I’ve stated above I feel I shouldn’t give up on us and have a little hope he could change his mind or that I could fall pregnant. After all It has been only 5 months. But I also ponder if I am not wasting my final chances to become a mother as I am 42. The only thing I would like is to at least try but he doesn’t want he always remove himself.

That's so tough! I've known a few women who've hit difficulties around that age too with no success. Pregnancy really is less up to us than some of us realize. So is the lottery of a healthy child.

Oh sorry, apologies.

❤️ this!

It wasn’t me who quoted this but a quick google suggests that at age 40 the risk of miscarriage is about 33-40%, 45 and over it is 57-80%

Ask him outright if he's had a vasectomy.

Yeah, I was wondering why he'd bother if he had had a vasectomy.

That’s very interesting, yes they had usually had ranging from 3 to 16 kids before that point!

That's really lovely but I'm guessing your DH / DP was on board... OP's isn't.

@CleanShirt nope ! It was a surprise pregnancy he struggled the hole way through it .. but it's worked out for us but yes everyone is different I just wanted to say my experience

Fair enough! :)

Genuinely lovely to hear it worked out for you all (I was a “happy surprise” baby, coming along quite a bit after all my siblings!) but surely you can see that having an unplanned third child with your husband is very different to having an unplanned baby with a short-term boyfriend who already has older children and doesn’t want any more?

@ItReallyWasAgathaAllAlong yes definitely! We together nearly 20 years so yes that's definitely true

My initial thought was, why would a man who claims he doesn't want any further children, have unprotected sex with his partner who he knows isn't using any contraception?!!! It makes no logical sense. So, could it be that he's already had a vasectomy, and therefore knows there's zero chance of pregnancy?! Even if he hasn't had a vasectomy, the OP knows he doesn't want children, so why has she not insisted on contraception being used?! Say the OP accidentally falls pregnant, her partner may at the moment say it would be 'destiny' but if reality happened, I'm not so sure he wouldn't run for the hills! Even at 42, there is a chance of pregnancy. You both need to be on the same page regarding children, and clearly aren't.

This is rubbish re: age. I'm older and currently pregnant with no 3, and dh is a similar age.
But it's really tough if he doesn't want children.

I got married at 40, and DH (aged 42) and we agreed we would not have kids. Before I met DH, I met a number of older men with grown children like the OP’s boyfriend. They liked the fact I was single, no children, and were hoping for sex where they did not have to wear a condom. They wanted a younger girlfriend for sex, as a travel companion, someone to cook for them, and I suppose as a nurse when they got older. OP, if you want a child, this guy is not it. I’d look into IVF if you can handle being a single mother.

Nothing wrong except that he's 51, doesn't want more DC, and they've only been together 5 months. Yeah, great prospective family for any potential DC!

But I agree with some others that he's likely had a vasectomy.

my understanding (from friends trying for a baby in their 40s) is that you’re much more likely to conceive after 40 if you have already had a child

I know 3 couples who struggled to conceive for years, had a baby through IVF and fell pregnant naturally very quickly afterwards. Included - I kid you not - a lady who had IVF twins at 42 then fell pregnant naturally with another set of twins within a few months.

So now at 45 she’s got 4 kids aged 3 and 1

There is evidence that having a baby "resets" your fertility to that of a younger woman for a while afterwards. (I'm sure it's much more complicated than that biologically, don't @ me.) At any rate, yes, it is legitimately a different thing having a subsequent baby in your forties vs having your first baby in your forties. It happens, obviously, but your odds aren't fantastic if you're starting at 42. Especially if your boyfriend always pulls out

It sounds like you love your partner. And it also seems like there are aspects to yourself that you’re ignoring.

The bottom line is you need to know what you want with this man and yourself. All relationships with others and yourself depend on the awareness of your values, what you want and what’s important to you. This partnership cannot last if there isn’t that foundational support. (I’ve energetically channeled this whole answer because it’s what I do. Hope it’s helpful to you.) When challenges arise, you’ll need to have identified the direction to take on each turn. This requires you to know ahead of time what you would do in each situation depending on what’s important to you; this can involve yourself and your partner.

But if you haven’t identified what your values are in the partnership, then troubles will eventually lead to big emotions that cause fear. This is when a person will retreat, freeze, or fight with no reasonable choice to make as the emotions play themselves out. If love is your value, then you will express sincere love for your partner and love for yourself in balance no matter his choice to have a baby. If having a baby is the focus of your values, then it won’t matter if your partner doesn’t want to have a child. You will make the choice for yourself, even if it means you two will break up. No matter if that feels painful, you will know what’s important to you, and understand the pain of losing your partner will go away while you’re moving towards what you want. If your values include both a baby and a partner, then eventually you need to be honest with yourself. Will you get both with this man?

Awareness of your values that are aligned with your healthiest, most balanced, best intentions (truly heart-centered) must always be in the forefront for you to be your best leader. Emotions come and go. As they go, clarity will always exist and lead you in the best direction. So remember to plan them ahead of time so the emotions don’t cloud your awareness.

Disagree with this entirely. Children need fathers who are more than sperm donors

The only way you are going to have a baby in the time frame you have is to go down the sperm donor route

This guy is either stupid or had a vasectomy and my monies on the vasectomy

He is playing with you

If you really do want a child then there really isn’t a moment to lose

There’s a 56% of a woman in their early 40’s getting pregnant within a 12 month period. So it’s higher than a lot of those on here are making out. That being said having a child with someone 5 months in, who is 51 and stating they don’t want more is risky.

He doesn't want more children. You're 42. Take yourself off for a good think and figure out your priorities. Your last chance is now.

I can’t stand MN when women who have had their children in their 20s judge other women!

I’m 41 fell pregnant first time will have my baby at 42