My partner doesn’t want a child

[Biolis]

I am 42. I have been single for a very long time. I have realised in spring, that a friend of mine fancied me. I have never thought of him as a potential boyfriend, he is 51. We always got a long so well, so we went on a date and since then we are very happy together, thinking about the future. It has been only 5 months but we both feel like if we have been married for years. He told me that nobody ever makes him feel that happy and loved in his life.

The problem is that he doesn’t want anymore children. As we were friend I knew this, and he knew that I wanted to meet someone to start a family. So when we both fell in love. I assumed he has changed his mind and he assumed I did the same. We were both honest with each other since the beginning. We cannot separate. We love each other.

I thought he had changed his mind lately as sometimes he is asking what names I like or jokes about how our life will be with a child. He has 2 grown up children. He is divorced but have had a good relationship with his ex wife. He is a wonderful father and has a close relationship with his children. Although he is very negative/ worried about everything : If the child is abnormal, if we separate, the sleepless nights, babies are nightmare, the fact that we are both older and won’t be pregnant quickly … I don’t know how to reassure him that all will be fine.

I am confused because he said he doesn’t want anymore children but we don’t use any protection and I don’t take the pill. So I warned him that there is a small chance that I could become pregnant this way. He reassured me if that would happened he would then change his mind and be happy. He would fully assume his father responsibility's. That would be destiny then !

I understand, respect and love him. I don’t want to upset him and make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. But with the facts I’ve stated above I feel I shouldn’t give up on us and have a little hope he could change his mind or that I could fall pregnant. After all It has been only 5 months. But I also ponder if I am not wasting my final chances to become a mother as I am 42. The only thing I would like is to at least try but he doesn’t want he always remove himself.

Don’t see your problem. He doesn’t actively want more children but seems to accept that this is what you want so will go with it for your sake. You are having unprotected sex so there is a reasonable chance you will become pregnant and he says he’s ok with that. He’s right that there is an increased chance of foetal abnormality, chromosomal difference and autism but it’s not a given. It’s very early in a relationship to try to get pregnant but if you want a baby then you don’t have time to hang about.

Whilst of course he should grow up and take responsibility for contraception his end if he doesn't want children, he has been honest with you. If you're happy to take the gamble and see what happens just be prepared to do it by yourself. He's probably pretty relaxed about what happens if you do get pregnant as he knows he can walk away.

Wait, what?? You're pinning a lot of hope on getting pregnant naturally at 42. You've got ~5% chance of conceiving. If you really want a child, go and research your IVF options. Tell this guy your plans though so he has the option of backing out if it's not in HIS life plan. Other men are available.

At 51 with 2 adult kids, not wanting more kids yet being relaxed about contraception it really seems like he may have already had a vasectomy.

You're having unprotected sex so you are already trying for a baby really. You've left it abit late to seperate, find someone else, date them ect. If you genuinely want to get pregnant at 42 though, it would be better going through IVF alone. You cannot reassure him about his worries, as they are genuine concerns.

That's very true.

… I don’t know how to reassure him that all will be fine.

Well you cant can you? Realistically your chances of conceiving and carrying to term are pretty low, and the chances of health issues with any baby would be higher, due to both your ages. And he could walk away any time, saying you knew I didn't want this.

So no, things will not be fine.

You both sound incredibly immature for your ages. You talk like a lovestruck teenager and have a Disney "it'll all be fine!" attitude to something that carries huge risks and will upend your lives. He's having unprotected sex and making jokes about baby names (wtf) while maintaining he doesn't want one.

You can't bring a child into this so start taking contraception and make it past the honeymoon phase so you can think more like an adult.

I'd suggest to him that you go together to the dr to talk about a vasectomy.
Knowing full well he's already had one and it's on his medical notes would be an interesting reaction.

I know it’s easy to say when you already have children, but I would try and face up to how unlikely it is for a pregnancy to happen and end well at your age.

Also the implications for your future child of having older parents and even if no congenital conditions or disabilities, the increased chance of conditions or difficulties for the child that would become evident later on.

You're both bloody idiots.

Him for having unprotected sex and assuming it isn't going to happen.

You for getting into a relationship with someone who doesn't want kids when you do, and for assuming he'll actually stick around when you do get pregnant.

You're both grown bloody adults, have some adult conversations and start using contraception.

My immediate first thought was this - I know someone who twisted herself up in anguish that there was something wrong with her when she didn't conceive after a year of trying....guess what the 'problem' was?
Yup - he'd had the snip the year before he even met her, never said a word and then (when his visiting cousin let it slip) said he'd just hoped she'd change her mind/think it was just nature's way of telling her no baby and she'd "get over it"!!!

Either he's irresponsible and foolish, or he's not giving OP the whole truth and has had a vasectomy.

You're both being stupid here, honestly. If it was important to you to have a child at your age you should have said so, not just assumed he changed his mind. If it's important to him not to then he should act accordingly and not just hope you're unlikely to get pregnant. A relationship of 5 months is fairly unlikely to survive a surprise pregnancy, I would say.

If the child is abnormal, if we separate, the sleepless nights, babies are nightmare, the fact that we are both older and won’t be pregnant quickly … I don’t know how to reassure him that all will be fine. This stood out to me - you can't reassure him it will be 'fine' because all of those things are a possibility. He's telling you he doesn't want to do this - if your desire to gamble and hope he changes his mind were you to fall pregnant is strong enough then go for it, but there's a distinct possibility you'll end up having a child with a man who will turn round and tell you he never wanted this and he warned you and then he fucks off (I don't think that would be the right thing to do - he's obviously not trying very hard to prevent it, the dickhead - but it seems likely to me tbh). As long as you're prepared for that, go ahead.

Wow. Just...........wow

If I'm reading the OP aright, dude is pulling out every time.

Sure, sounds like someone who wants a baby and will stick around...

This. Even if you do manage to conceive (which you must surely understand that in itself is unlikely, OP?) and have a healthy child without additional needs (again, Russian roulette at your age, and his age equally elevates the risk), babies are exceptionally knackering and hard work and completely turn your world upside down, which tests even the most established, stable relationships.

After 5 months you are really, really not ‘like a married couple’. If you’re that desperate for a baby, and can support yourself and a child financially, then look into IVF. Having one in this scenario is insane.

This forum has become really vitriolic recently.

Neither the OP or her partner are necessarily stupid or deceptive; maybe you should take them both at face value.

Nothing wrong with giving natural conception a chance. It is not as if he doesn’t know what fatherhood entails! He is, according to the OP, a decent guy and an excellent father so there is no evidence he is either a liar (vasectomy) or will run away.

OP, I am not really sure of the issue here. Are you wanting him to engage in assisted conception or are you worried that you just won’t get pregnant? What do you actually want of your partner?

What 17 year old wants a 70 year old for a father… it’s not fair. He is too old. You’re very almost too old. It’s not fair to do that do a kid.

If you want a child, then you need to book IVF now and get started going it alone. You’ve got less than what… a 1% chance? It’s maybe time to accept your life is what it is. You can have a life with this guy. You very well may not have a child.

If you want a child and you're happy to be a single mum (as he might leave you if you're pregnant) then I'd get straight to a clinic and do ivf with a soerm donated from a healthy young man

Have you had a fertility check up at a clinic?

My thoughts exactly

If you look at family trees before family planning, last kid or kids after 40 was very very common. Maybe they were more fertile. I don’t know.

Well I don’t know anything about OP’s individual fertility. Or this man, who I suspect has had a vasectomy. If he hasn’t then let’s be clear, he is actively trying to conceive. His behaviour is no different from someone who wants a child name is really trying…so I would say tell him that OP. Tell him that either he is a liar and has had the snip or he is a fool and a liar saying he doesn’t want a child while actively trying to conceive one. Also disgusted by him saying he’d change his mind…if he is having unprotected sex and saying he would adjust if you got pregnant, then he really isn’t that against having a child and is cruel to deny you the chance to give it your best shot by consulting a specialist etc. Again, makes sense if he is spinning you a line as he has had a vasectomy.

If you want to have a child you may still have a chance. Maximise it by having a fertility check and IVF with young donor sperm. The chances remain low each go and you would probably need multiple cycles to increase your chances. It’s a numbers game, there are probably a few good eggs left but catching one is low odds so you need to remove as many variables as possible and bring as many eggs per cycle to maturity as you can. You have NO time to waste if you want to feel you have given it a go. You may decide to move on without doing so, but whether or not it’s with this man I don’t know, I would want to know why he is spouting all this rubbish first.

....am I the only one who clocked this line in the OP?

The only thing I would like is to at least try but he doesn’t want he always remove himself

Unless there's an alternative explanation for 'he always remove himself', apparently he's pulling out before he comes every time they have sex. Which is still a dumb chance to take if you don't want a baby, but will greatly reduce the chance that even a fertile 42yo will conceive.

I don't think OP conceiving naturally at 42 is extremely unlikely as some posters are suggesting.

I believe the '5% chance' refers to each cycle rather than overall chance?