MIL gave toddler milk when she is allergic and was impressed with herself.

[Ghostcushion]

I’ve been having issues with my MIL who seems to have to have the last word about everything and she always thinks she is right.

She had our toddler at the weekend and when we collected her she says. Oh we just gave her whatever we were eating, I didn’t bother checking or not if it contained milk but I know the pie did.

She has been milk free for almost 2 years. Failed the milk challenge a few months ago screaming in pain with diarrhoea. She always questions my decisions like I’m making it all up. Daughter is under the dietician her whole life because of the allergy and terrible reflux.

Im not sure what to say to her? She was literally smirking at me that she got one up on me. She has no idea or no care whether this caused our child pain she just looked to be trying to get one up. I’ve made it clear over the years she doesn’t have milk. She also when I picked her up listed all the things that she has done differently to me…. Eg I didn’t give her any of those treats you left with us, I didn’t need to use the dummy as much as you etc etc.

I’ve felt for a long time a power dynamic going on. She keeps trying to push her views. I don’t come from this so I’m not the kind of person to do as others tell me. My partner is, he constantly seeks reassurance, can’t make any decision on his own. I’ve always been hospitable but not a follower of her. I do think she needs to feel she has power over her relationships. This was a real dig at that power. Look I have the power over you. I’m angry now. But I feel an argument is what she wants because then she can act all innocent and me look like I’m blowing something out of proportion. It’s given me a better view of how immature she is. Using my child as power play, disgusting.

More important than who does the talking is presenting a united front. In such circumstances the man needs to make it clear where his priorities lie. How he does that may of course vary according to circumstances but he does need to show that he and his wife are a team.

Doesn’t matter. She’s a child abuser

You simply have to say to her that if she can't respect your DD, her health and your rationed wishes, you are unable to trust and leave your DD with her again. She can say what she likes and probably will but you have the ultimate power over this situation and not her. Use it for the sake of your DD. Your husband clearly is not strong enough to so you will have to.

I get that she wants a fight/ your husband is pretty much useless/ you don't see her much, but are you really going to let this slide? Your husband's behaviour is pathetic and he needs to grow up and cut those apron strings. If my husband sacrificed my child's health for the sake of appeasing his mother, I'd be out the door (or he would). Perhaps log this with the GP, because you never know, you may need it in future.

This is what I would do. Every single time. She would learn that whatever she says to me in private gets shared with DH.

But he takes his mother's side.

This has summed it up nicely

It wouldn’t stop me. In this instance if he said to me ‘it’s fine my mother gave her milk’ I would say ‘ok so you’ve seen how ill DD is with milk, the pain she has, you’ve been at the medical consultations, if you are now telling me you would give her milk because your mum knows better than medics who trained for over 10 years, then I consider you both to be dangerous around DD. Is your final answer that you would give our DD milk? If it is you need to move out and I will make it clear that you need supervised visits only’. I mean in this case I would go nuclear.

This is PERFECT! I agree. You do something or quit complaining. Your baby is vulnerable. She is basically an evil bitch of a MIL and as for your husband, jeez.

Same here. I have gone nuclear with certain things (that I won't go into here). But, yes, if ANYONE fucked about with my child's health, they would find out.

You need to find your confidence. It’s what your DD needs for her protection. It’s no longer just about you.

Next time you’re with your consultant/allergist say infront of your husband “one of my biggest concerns is the wider family. DH’s mother feeds her milk etc when we’re not there. DH feels unable to ask her to stop”

He might find it embarrassing, but there’s the potential that a medical professional explaining the dangers/issues will give him the right things to say to his mother next time.

I like this idea. Coming from an external professional, not from you (since he won’t listen to you).

The problem is nothing seems to have happened. This is either because nothing was given or maybe the pie didn’t have milk. Or it just wasn’t enough to have caused a reaction. Or maybe it will happen in a few days. We are due to do the milk ladder again. I think she feels justified that she is right. I can tell she was by the smile on her face. I’m wrong and she is right. Only she isn’t as she had no idea what was going to happen.

She’s also destroyed any trust I had with her and my daughter. Was it really bloody important, did she not think it would cause trust issues now.

It's the principle that matters here. Next time, she'll say, 'Oh, Baby was fine. I gave her a yogurt and we are going for milkshake next time.'

Are you prepared to wait? Come on, OP, get some fire in your belly!!! Your daughter could end up in hospital because of this fuckwittery. Don't be as bad as your husband. At least email the consultant for advice - thus providing evidence about your MIL! - and say you wanted to log it in case it affects the milk ladder.

Its not about that it didn't cause a reaction this time, that's just luck. Anything marked MILK on the ingredients doesn't set out the marker for where that is on the milk ladder so cooked milk protein whey and cream would be different ends of the milk ladder but both are marked as MILK. She's not educated enough to know that what may have been in the pie may have been at the lower end of the milk ladder and may not cause a bad reaction but that's just LUCK on her smug radar!

I would honestly just not speak to MIL again, you set out the situation to DH and tell him that you can no longer dead with MIL and that she has stepped over a line. The smugness, the rudeness, the constant anxiety you feel isn't healthy for you anymore. If I were you I would also tell him that I'm not happy with his approach to this, that how would he like it if he had parents in law like this and that it's making you unhappy being with him. I'd probably go a step further and tell him this is the only way you could stay with him to go NC with MIL and for daughter to not see her either but that's for you to decide.

I have been there though, it is narcissistic behaviour and my MIL is exactly the same. I always used to get set up as the difficult/bad/fruitloop when it turns out she has had a problem with both her parents (didn't speak to them for ages), her brother doesn't bother with her at all and didn't even come to our wedding and all her children are programmed to do what she says and put her first otherwise there are consequences! My DH is the black sheep of the family so has thankfully had enough of her too!

@Ghostcushion
I am outraged on your behalf but as an aside

No it’s classed as an allergy still, they don’t use the term intolerance anymore. It’s classed as non ige allergy as it caused stomach issues. She also has eczema.
There is still an intolerance. Gist is still a valid and used term. It's just that there is now also a separate category of allergy that is ige allergy

It is not the new name for an intolerance. It's a different thing.

So this is a partner issue. If you're too scared of your partner to raise a health and safety issue that's worrying?

If you leave him, he will leave child with his mother all the time!

Put it in writing by email to both of them and keep a diary.

Do you feel worried when your kids go there?

They're not toddlers any more.
It was just one example in a long litany of other stuff where my ex H chose the views of his mother (and other family members) over me. Lots of financial stuff too
Anyway, I'm confident the kids are ok there.

What were the consequences of her actions?

I guess the fact I now have zero trust so she’s ruined the relationship with me and I will no longer encourage contact for her sake. She may have won the smugness competition and won whatever game it is she is playing but she’s lost a relationship with her DIL and grandchildren really. These people seem to win either way as she’ll no doubt spin a yarn about me. I don’t think she cares about us.

It doesn't matter if she's right or not, she gave a child something that they are allergic to and against the wishes of the mother. Inexcusable in my book.

Say to her you're directly undermining my decisions and doing things with my children that I've asked you specifically not to do, so you will never be in charge of my children again and I will limit all contact.

You'll hear from me when I want to be in touch again, don't call me I'll call you.