MIL gave toddler milk when she is allergic and was impressed with herself.

[Ghostcushion]

I’ve been having issues with my MIL who seems to have to have the last word about everything and she always thinks she is right.

She had our toddler at the weekend and when we collected her she says. Oh we just gave her whatever we were eating, I didn’t bother checking or not if it contained milk but I know the pie did.

She has been milk free for almost 2 years. Failed the milk challenge a few months ago screaming in pain with diarrhoea. She always questions my decisions like I’m making it all up. Daughter is under the dietician her whole life because of the allergy and terrible reflux.

Im not sure what to say to her? She was literally smirking at me that she got one up on me. She has no idea or no care whether this caused our child pain she just looked to be trying to get one up. I’ve made it clear over the years she doesn’t have milk. She also when I picked her up listed all the things that she has done differently to me…. Eg I didn’t give her any of those treats you left with us, I didn’t need to use the dummy as much as you etc etc.

That's not a problem, that's a good thing that your DC is ok.

However her actions are reprehensible and inexcusable regardless of the fact nothing happened and what you should be saying to her as a result is "Goodbye forever".

OP MIL won't 'win' if she doesn't get to see her grandaughter.
Also, as you will presumably be NC with her from now on that's a win for you surely! It doesn't matter what she says about you, if wider family query it you can tell them why, as well as how irresponsibly she behaved. Your husband is a different matter, you can't stop him pandering to his mother but you can stop him endangering your daughter's health by taking her to visit her.

So how exactly are you going to explain to the child’s father that the mil can no longer have unsupervised contact? If you don’t tell him that the mil gave your child an allergen and risked her health, how are you going to justify the no contact order?

Are you planning to just try to make excuses? Are you somehow going to stop him from taking her over there without you because he won’t know to be vigilant if you haven’t warned him?

if your child has an allergy, sometimes they outgrow it, but sometimes it gets worse with each exposure. Some of mine eventually became anaphylactic. You need to follow the doctors instructions. Start having the father attend the appointments if he isn’t on board.

Personally I would make it my mission to befriend all the relatives she has driven out. Get thyself some allies....

@Ghostcushion I think I know what this is about - the fact her son, your DP had the allergy and likely gave it your daughter. If she admits your DD has it then she has to face up that her DS had it and she ignored his reactions. So it’s all about her loss of face. You represent her conscience. You cannot ‘win’.

I think she feels justified that she is right. I can tell she was by the smile on her face
That would infuriate me.
Allergies can present differently every time.
She shouldn't be left unsupervised with your child, please say you're not going to anymore?!
She could potentially kill her and it's not a risk I'd take. Especially if she's fucking SMIRKING.
I get you don't like conflict, I've had to stand up to mine before and was physically shaking standing up for myself, so know what it feels like.
This is way, way too important to stay seated about though - protect your child.
Speaking up gets easier the more you do it and become more hard faced and less immune to any emotional guilt trips or whatever that might arise over you finally standing up!

I think she has a conscience and nothing else. I don’t think she is able to consider other people at all. In her head the whole milk thing is a big fuss over nothing. When we’ve talked about it maybe coming from her son and his crying may have been because of milk she’s had none of it. She didn’t look sad or a bit guilty that they missed it potentially back then, she doesn’t care. In her head it doesn’t exist.

I just get the impression this is someone who arguing with would achieve nothing because she is always right. I think this is the sort of person to just back off from, the trust is broken now anyway. At least I know how far she is willing to go in order to prove herself right.

This may sound odd, but do you have any consultant appointments coming up for your DD? Ideally one where you can ask the consultant to briefly recap and emphasise the key facts to your MIL, who you have brought with you to the appointment? She is insistent that YOU are wrong, but it may be harder for her to dismiss a whitecoated professional.

I'd invite her over for a family trip out with your DH and DD (or get your DH to do it), then tell her there's an important medical appointment she needs to attend with you both. She may hate you forever but it is the logical next step if she thinks you are full of it.

Does the stupid woman know how dangerous this is to your DDs health; she could end up in hospital etc & sorry I take it your partner know his mother is behaving like a complete bitch she’s actually abusing your child giving her foods that will inflict pain & misery to her. Stop leaving your child with her she’s sounds like a complete bitch of a woman x

Is your husband closer to you or to his mother? Either way you must politely sort this out.

Are we sisters 😂seriously though my daughter has a milk allergy and is being investigated for coeliac’s - my mum tests this all the time. ‘Well in my day’…’all this dairy alternative nonsense’ etc etc. Even today she wrote on our family WhatsApp chat ‘oh I had to have coconut milk today in a clients house - lactose vegan nonsense’ - tell your partner and don’t leave you child there unsupervised again. Trust me it makes no difference what you say.

Crikey. Can you imagine if your daughter was allergic to peanuts or banana and that daft woman gave your child these
could of been a tragic outcome
she seems so ignorant😳😳

I have to say, my DD suffered terribly with dairy products. She was tested quite a few times but we were always told that it's a build up rather than an immediate reaction with her and dairy. Even now at 16 she can tolerate a certain amount but inevitably it causes skin issues, bloating etc. She went completely dairy free for 18 months because despite doing the milk test and it being seemingly ok when it built up again it was horrific. She was really poorly. My MIL would never of have had her again if she'd have thought getting one up on you is better than making sure her granddaughter is pain-free and healthy.....regardless of any consequence with DH. You do what's best for you and your DD. Make it clear to her if she can't follow a simple instruction she can't be responsible for her.

My MIL gave my allergic DS unsafe food many years ago ("it was fine I got his EpiPen out ready and ready the instructions") they never had him alone there without me again. A loss for everyone, but he's still alive.

Oooo what a witch... I wouldn't be letting her babysit as others have said. And i would be saying that's because you are abusing the child. Going against drs directives is also putting the child in danger and a failure to thrive and provide adequate medical requests. I would be telling her if she ever steps out of line like that you will be contacting your consultant .

We did exactly this with DS, for testing at hospital, I think it frightened them silly!

Read Toxic In-laws, how to save your marriage!

Susan Forward. It's really helpful.

My daughter had an intolerance as a baby, but grew put of it, so I have experienced seeing reflux, constant screaming in pain, etc.
An allergy though is far more serious. I couldn't imagine needing serious medical input and family not supporting you. I feel for you both.

You need to record her saying it. Get actual evidence to play to your husband. See his reaction and you can keep a diary with evidence to back up the malignant behaviour to your daughter.

Take MIL with you to the hospital appointment and drop her in it. Let the consultant to go ape shit on her for harming a child and explain the severity in layman's terms that she obviously needs. Takes that responsibility from you doing it, so you are not the one made out to be "stirring" and blamed, as you have been every time you bring things up. If that makes sense?

Also, can you start looking into alternative options for childcare in emergency or unavoidable times? A close friend, etc? Anything is better than her.

It's one thing to nitpick you. That's bad enough your hubby takes her side, just avoid her as much as you can.
If I were you, I would keep daughter away from her. If your DH goes against your wishes and takes her to MIL, I'd consider the marriage. Your daughter's wellbeing is the most important thing. You're not being difficult. You're keeping her safe. If he can't accept that, he doesn't give a damn about either of you.

I hope there is a better resolution and I hope your daughter is okay.

She sounds fucking corrosive OP.

I know exactly the smirk you're talking about. It's the narcissist, self-satisfying smirk.

This woman is not on your side. Like almost all narcissistic people, they prioritise their need to feel superior and triumphant above normal or healthy human relationships.

People like this don't respect boundaries or other people's wishes, and they will NEVER feel accountable for anything. Everything is always other people's fault, even the abuse that they're subjected to. You will be at fault for not standing up for yourself and enough and it's not their fault you're a weakling and so on.

If your child had had a really bad reaction to that milk, I can guarantee you she would have found a way to place at least 50% of that blame onto you. If you would have taken her advice, it would have been your fault for believing her.

They only understand consequences. Make sure she sees some. If she takes the piss like that, it needs to be followed with being denied contact with your children. That's the only language they'll listen to.

My MIL was like this with our DC both of whom had CMPA and had failed milk ladder.
I was also breastfeeding so couldn’t have dairy. She wanted to do my DD a first birthday tea but refused to check ingredients and gave us all dairy. She then used to provide food and “scrape off the cheese” etc.
we are virtually no contact now x

OP, You sound like you are actually handling this amazingly well. You know she is looking for confrontation to prove you are the “crazy one”. By refusing to give her that satisfaction, your removing a lot of her power.
You sound like you know your own mind, you’re not part of her fan club, and she can’t control you as she does others. This will be driving her nuts. She is upping the ante by using you daughter to get to you and drive a wedge with DH.
You have already decided she will have no further access to your DD alone. Stick to this. It’s really really important she has no sole access.
When you are with her, just deal with DD’s allergy matter-of-factory and practically without fuss. If she tries to provoke you by suggesting there is no allergy don’t get into an argument, or try to explain. Just say “We are following medical advice. DD is under the care of the hospital and we can’t let non-medical people, undermine the detailed work of the multi-disciplinary team”. Repeat ad infinitum.
Keep ignoring the barbs and jibes against you. You are already grey-rocking her and shutting down the drama and conflict she is creating. Her goal is to put pressure or your marriage and split you and your husband up.
I would be inclined not to confront DH. He is a lost cause. It will only make him miserable. He is so conditioned by this that he will accept that she was prepared to make his daughter ill and ignore his own medical symptoms in order to toe the family line and placate the monster.
You can try taking on the family dynamic but you won’t win.
I would do what you are already doing. Grey rock MIL (without telling DH). Go minimal contact (without telling DH) Explain to DH you have only one condition for an ongoing relationship with his family and that is that DD is NEVER left alone with MIL. You don’t need to slag her off but the fact she was prepared to disregard not just your instructions but DD’s doctors makes her v dangerous. I would stay calm but insist to DH that this in non-negotiable. If he won’t agree or you think he will renage, DD either stays with you or you go too and DD stays in your sights at all times. Imagine she’s a grizzly bear. You wouldn’t leave DD alone with a grizzly so you won’t leave her alone with MIL.
There will be many times when you marriage is under stress but ultimately you have the power. You are calling the shots, standing firm on what really matters and refusing to participate in the drama. If you can negotiate this, you will eventually get your DH back and she will be long gone.
if you want to be mischievous, you could always put on a display of affection with your DH every time you see her. A little kiss, a little intimate laugh, a private joke. There’s a lot of jealousy. That will really send her loopy.
Good luck. You’ve got this. You just need to adjust your mindset to not give her the satisfaction of believing she’s got to you.

I'm a grandma, so take it from me : we got to do with our children as we thought was right. Our children and children-in-law have that same right. If and when you are offered the priviledge to take care of your grandbaby, you do exactly as your children want you to care for her. No discussion. No fights. You follow their instructions. Just like you expected your own parents to follow yours.

She's banging your buttons to stress you out and it seems to be working.

Speak to DH and see where that gets you.

Find a way to record what she says so she can't deny it. I would also speak to a bullying helpline to see if anything can be done

I would also suggest dropping contact as she sounds up be one spiteful bitch. Sooner or later she'll go too far. As an aside, does anyone else have a problem with her? I'd think that you're not the only one she picks on.

So say your husband had a nut allergy and went into anaphylactic shock at the sight of nuts...which does happen. Would she purposely give him peanut butter and tell him he was exaggerating it!! ??
Keep your little girl away from your mil, I had a bitch of an ex mil, my ex husband could of murdered someone and she would say he didn't, she controlled his whole life...hence at 56 he lives with her,so she's got whst she always wanted, my husband never stood up for me, his mother brainwashed him. Yet she tried it on his brothers wife and the brother flew at his mother and stood by his wife...they rarely speak now