MIL gave toddler milk when she is allergic and was impressed with herself.

[Ghostcushion]

I’ve been having issues with my MIL who seems to have to have the last word about everything and she always thinks she is right.

She had our toddler at the weekend and when we collected her she says. Oh we just gave her whatever we were eating, I didn’t bother checking or not if it contained milk but I know the pie did.

She has been milk free for almost 2 years. Failed the milk challenge a few months ago screaming in pain with diarrhoea. She always questions my decisions like I’m making it all up. Daughter is under the dietician her whole life because of the allergy and terrible reflux.

Im not sure what to say to her? She was literally smirking at me that she got one up on me. She has no idea or no care whether this caused our child pain she just looked to be trying to get one up. I’ve made it clear over the years she doesn’t have milk. She also when I picked her up listed all the things that she has done differently to me…. Eg I didn’t give her any of those treats you left with us, I didn’t need to use the dummy as much as you etc etc.

it’s disappointing that your DH won’t stand up for you, you’ll have to stand up for yourself and your daughter.

I cba with people who don’t believe in allergies.

No, it’s a non ige allergy, causing stomach issues rather than an anaphylactic reaction.

Then you need to advocate for your daughter and even threaten divorce if he steps out of line. Ask him who he wants to alienate the least? The mother of his child and life partner who he sleeps with, or his mother? This is about your daughter's health and safety. Pooping blood and mucus is a MAJOR thing, and I'd be shaming your husband for being a deadbeat father for not caring about his own daughter and that he'd rather satisfy his nasty mum than care about his own daughter. He is supposed to love and care for her and advocate for her but he isn't capable of that, what kind of a father is he? That he risks divorce if he doesn't do a 180 immediately. I'd even leave the home for a few days and stay with your mum to give him a jolt of shock.

but you now need to be in his ear about this. You and DD are his main family now and his loyalty and support should be with you.

Use the words: you are damaging DD by letting this continue.

It's going to be uncomfortable but you need to really start working on him or this will never ever stop. (and the allergy probably comes from him? so if you have more DCs they may have it too?)

What an absolutely sick, selfish narcissist bitch!

I am so sorry op, my sons have the same allergy . I can only imagine how bloody infuriating this is.

When I think of the complete opposite way my late mother approached my children the care she took, and she was a big milk fan so really made efforts to keep them away from the risks. and the worry she carried😔 when they were your daughter's age.

I appreciate you're uncomfortable with conflict. This isn't conflict this needs your rage on behalf of your daughter. That may assist you.

Seeing as your husband is so spineless, and you MIL talks out of his earshot, I’d be tempted to do the same.

When DH isnt near, you say “MIL, your blatant disregard for DD’s allergies is outrageous. I will do everything in my power to keep her away from you as much as I can whilst she is little. When she gets older, she will be told what a completely awful and dysfunctional woman you are”

And if she dares take you up on it/mentions it to your DH, you just play her at her own game. Deny her account, tell her that she must be confused or misunderstood. Cock your head and look confused at her recollection. And when DH walks away, make direct eye contact and give her a little smile. So that she knows.

I know you don't want the grief but I think there has to be some kind of confrontation over this or it will happen again. It's all very well to decide MIL doesn't babysit again but if your DH isn't on board and he's the one who made the babysitting arrangement originally, even though you weren't keen, then it easily could happen again. And pp suggesting divorce, well, personally I would run a mile from a relationship with a mummy's boy because I've been though that and I can tell you they don't improve over time, but if you divorce you'll have no control at all over what contact DD has with MIL or what goes on when she's there. If DH knows how serious this is, then he needs to hear his mother saying what she said to you. You can't not tell him and he has to be on board with any decision not to let her be in charge of DD again.

I'm sorry, it all sounds like a nightmare.

The more people are discussing it the more of a nightmare this feels. It sounds like it’s a long game. I’m not really confident to do what people are suggesting. I’m more of a just quietly slip back and carry on. I am already withdrawn from her. I’ve stopped asking her opinions or worrying if she likes me or not. The problem is my partner. I feel like I’m on my own with this issue.

You’ve had a child with a mummies boy, why? It would have been very evident before you were pregnant that he was a mummies boy.

Keep your phone on you. Record her from now on.

The problem is your partner. You have to put your kids 1st in every instance.

Isn't this considered a crime? Knowingly giving a child something they are allergic to? Wouldn't it be under intent to cause harm?

I'd be very open with everyone in the family that the MIL will no longer have access to your child due to attempting to poison her then denying it, and I wouldn't be having any discussion etc.

If your DH would rather keep his mother happy than his baby safe then leave him

IF you can't get DP's agreement to no further childcare by his mother, whenever he's not in the room, put your phone to record so he can hear exactly what she is saying to you. I wonder if she would continue if you outright filmed her. This is dangerous gaslighting, and he needs to know so he can support you to protect your child against abuse, which is what she is deliberately doing to hurt you. It is also hurting your relationship if he is not trusting you when you report these things back to him.

It's like this: you either step up and find confidence to act for your innocent child, or you don't.

It's one or the other. Grow a spine. Your child should be the most important person in your life. If you can't be a mother properly for them, then you've failed. Find your mamma bear and your inner anger. I also wouldn't be having 'relations' with your husband until he changes his attitude.

That’s what I’m not sure about. Was it deliberate for me or is she just trying to prove herself right. Although I think she has this thought that I’m not good enough and she is trying to prove to herself that thought is right .Not that it makes difference because our daughter was still given the milk. I think there is some weird challenge going on. Every bloody thing I ever say she challenges. I can’t be bothered to speak to her anymore but this is too serious.

This. Either he supports you and DD, or DP can go live with mummy if he likes. Report this incident to the local police so that it can be on record his mum is harmful if you need to fight this in court one day.

You're going to have to do something OP.

I'm sorry but being quiet and not wanting to make a fuss and letting it slide and just tolerating it all... IS EXACTLY WHY IT HAPPENS.

So let me put it to you this way.

What's more important to you?

Your daughter
Or
Your MIL

Because from what you've said, you're more worried about upsetting MIl and OH than defending your daughter... your daughter who relies on you to defend her and keep her safe.

So which is it?

You going to let her health and happiness be sacrificed because you don't want to upset some fucking cunt that's not bothered about upsetting you?
Or you going to stand up and tell MIL to get fucked and if she continues doing what she's doing, you'll ban DD from going there and MIL can have monitored visits with you watching her every move.

What exactly do you fear the repercussion would be if you upset MIL?
Oh no she might b not like you anymore or she might cry... SO FUCKING WHAT

What is the repercussion of MIL giving DD things she can't tolerate? Her pain? Drs? Tests? Hospitals.

Why would you allow such risk to your DD to avoid a grown woman being a bit pouty with you?

Tell her to go fuck herself and pull her head out of her crusty shit stained arsehole.

What an arsehole!! If she does it again just say oh right, you know she can have a bad reaction to milk, but clearly you don't care about your own granddaughter's wellbeing so if she ends up in hospital because of it I'll just give them your telephone number okay? byyyeeee what a witch

I won’t leave her with her again. I knew I didn’t feel right in my gut. I just kind of thought so she doesn’t like me, that’s ok she doesn’t have to like me. But this was stupid.

How does she know how often you dust/vacuum in the privacy of your own home?

How does she know how often you pick up your baby in your own home?

Of course he is blind to it. He was raised in this family, so to him, a “normal” upbringing is everyone tiptoeing around the matriarch with narcissistic personality disorder. They all (siblings) see this as normal.

When it comes to your child's safety, her motivation doesn't really matter. A parent's first duty is to protect their child.

However, there is a bigger picture. If MIL won't acknowledge her behaviour towards you to her son, the recording idea would support your assertions when discussing with your DP. Then, I'd suggest you discuss together how you want to proceed.

First, you child needs to be protected from her harmful actions (I presume that she did cause an allergic reaction in the child when she claimed she fed them milk products?) so, while this gets sorted, she should not have unsupervised access. It may not be permanent, but it may be a motivator for change. Her son should explain to her exactly why this is happening.

Then, once you are approaching this issue as a team, you and DP speak to her about your concerns. Her behaviour
a) is harmful to the child, therefore you will limit access.
b) is harmful to your relationship with her, and her son's relationship with her. It puts strain on your marriage, so is harmful in that way also.
c) puts her ongoing relationship with her grandchild and son at risk.
d) prevents the two of you having what could be a positive relationship.

The bottom line is that she needs to change her behaviour. Uncovering what is motivating it may be key in this, but that will need some honest discussion. Potentially, mediation or family counselling may be required to iron out what's going on in everyone's heads and how to move forward in a harmonious way. Motivational Interviewing techniques would be useful, imo. Jefferson Fisher has some really good YouTube videos on improving communication when there are difficulties, it might be worth checking him out for some ideas.

Good luck!

OP, I too am a conflict avoiding individual, but I'll tell you something that you might soon find out yourself.

You have a DC now, and she has an ongoing health issue which you, as her MUM must PUT FIRST, above your fear of confrontation of MIL.

DC depends on you, and you musn't be afraid, as this latest contest of wills must be the LAST she gets to play over your DC.

Sounds like you're on your own in this.
DH sounds like he's scared of her too, or at least scared of confronting her, a life-time learned experience.
That leaves your daughter's safety and any other MIL issues going forward, up to YOU.

Myself, I found that when I had kids, I gradually ( but quickly, actually) learned I must stand up for by kids, and not only is that empowering, but it works.

You're the grown-up in this particular situation and certainly in your family.
You can do this OP, for DC's sake and safety.

But she won’t. She has communicated this to you through both actions and words. You need to advocate for your DC by never allowing MIL unsupervised time again.

While I understand the last poster feeling like this, I must disagree. I had a similar problem with my MIL and asked my lovely (usually) supportive husband to speak to her. It was a huge surprise when he refused. Once I cooled down after the ensuing meltdown(!) he explained that if he went to his mother and complained, it would do nothing. He assured me that it had to come from me. I did see sense and challenged her. Won’t go into too many details, but I was polite and calm. I assured her that unless she followed my wishes about treatment of her grandchildren, she would not be allowed to see them alone or, if it got too bad, even with us present. This included any disparaging comments or ridiculing our instructions in front of the children.Eventually it all calmed down but our relationship (mine with MIL) was never quite the same after that.
They are your children and you know what they need! Good luck!
tio