MIL gave toddler milk when she is allergic and was impressed with herself.

[Ghostcushion]

I’ve been having issues with my MIL who seems to have to have the last word about everything and she always thinks she is right.

She had our toddler at the weekend and when we collected her she says. Oh we just gave her whatever we were eating, I didn’t bother checking or not if it contained milk but I know the pie did.

She has been milk free for almost 2 years. Failed the milk challenge a few months ago screaming in pain with diarrhoea. She always questions my decisions like I’m making it all up. Daughter is under the dietician her whole life because of the allergy and terrible reflux.

Im not sure what to say to her? She was literally smirking at me that she got one up on me. She has no idea or no care whether this caused our child pain she just looked to be trying to get one up. I’ve made it clear over the years she doesn’t have milk. She also when I picked her up listed all the things that she has done differently to me…. Eg I didn’t give her any of those treats you left with us, I didn’t need to use the dummy as much as you etc etc.

If MiL is so fond of lists, give her one of your own. Reasons why she won’t be left unsupervised with your child ever again. And you need to have a word with your DH and make him understand he needs to step up and stop pandering to his mother. You are his wife, your child has a serious allergy and his mother is ignoring it and putting the health of her own grandchild at risk to get one over on you. If it were me, she would never be alone in the same room with the child again.

I agree your dh should be standing up to her. But if he's not then you need to do it.

What did you say when she said she'd given your dd something with cow's milk in it? Did you ask why, when she knew she wasn't meant to have that? You really need to stand your ground and calmly just challenge her. So if she then says that she knew dd would be fine, you calmly explain that any adverse effect won't reveal itself straight away, remind her of how much distress your dd has been in previously, and remind her that you are following medical advice. Keep very calm and if MIL starts to raise her voice your dh might hear and come into the room. Then you can ask her to repeat what she told you about the pie. Your final comment should be that you need to be able to leave your dd with people you can trust. And just leave that hanging in the air.

This is an awful situation and your frustration and anger levels must be off the chart OP.

The bottom line is you have a very immature and confrontational MIL who would, with a self satisfied smirk, put the safety of her GC below getting one over on you.

Always have to be right people are a pain in the ass at the best of times, but you plain and simple can't leave your child with her unsupervised, hopefully you're in a position not to have to do that.

She has issues with you like she must have issues with many others I'm sure.
You have a duty to say who takes care of your DD and this woman should not be on that list.

If DH isn't behind you on this, then the situation is much worse for you and DD; stand your ground for your DD, OP.

Your husband is not conflict avoidant because he doesn't seem to be doing much to avoid conflict with you.

As with the vast majority of so-called people pleasers and conflict avoiders he picks who he wants to please and who he doesn't care about pleasing.

He would rather his child screams in pain than he upset his mother.

You're right, she has done a number on him. I had a domineering parent (dad).We're all old now, and my younger sibs still don't see him as the arsehole he was. They repeat things he used to say, never once realising how rude, intolerant and even cruel they are. Even though I wasn't under his spell, friends and partners used to be really surprised when they met him because I'd unconsciously made him sound like some kind of godlike giant. (Parents actually are godlike giants to their children and, in dysfunctional families, that perception never goes away.)

You're going to have to choose whether to champion your children against DH's family, including him. To do this, you'll need to be straight down the line, unbending, no argument. Channel the most stringent great-aunt or teacher you ever had. Parents in law never see the children without you. Don't apologise, never say "I'm sorry but", just say it straight and execute it. You've already explained, refuse to do it again or discuss it.

They will hate you for it and try to undermine you. If DH takes DC to see them without you (he will), tell him unapologetically that you're disappointed in him and he's risking his children's welfare. Don't discuss it further.

When these people - including DH - criticise your choices and tell you you're wrong in some way, react with superior indifference. Just say "I disagree" or even "Your opinion doesn't matter". Refuse to argue, and say you won't discuss it further if you need to.

Alternatively, you could just cave. Your choice! Wishing you the best either way.

I think OP is rightly taking the advice and diagnosis of qualified medical professionals, who have examined her child, over a random Internet poster, no matter how confidently you make unfounded assertions!

OP, your MIL is shockingly nasty but your DH is pathetic to put his mother ahead of you and, worse, his own daughter's health. He's a disgrace!

I am my own worst enemy also because I’m not fond of conflict. They also seem to have convinced me that I over react. I think your suggestion feels like the only way as difficult as it sounds. I’m sick of being told that I’m a problem with these sweep it under the carpet people.

Well firstly, MIL never has unsupervised access to DC again.

Secondly, you take a huge step back in contact with MIL. Does she live nearby? Can you move away?

I honestly think you need to very clearly state to DH and MIL that her approach to food for your daughter is NEGLECT. If the hospital knew you were talking this approach to her CMPA they would get Social Services involved!

This, and it’s an awful indictment of both of them. OP, I think you may need to go NC and keep the child away from MiL for a while to make the point. DH can go and see her by himself and explain why her grandchild isn’t there. Hopefully that will focus both their minds.

It can be difficult at first; we all want to be liked and get along with people. You'll be surprised how quickly it gets easier! There's nothing like showing your strength for a confidence boost 💪

I’m like the only one she seems to have a problem with. Well currently, there are a few female family members completely pushed out. I feel like I’m a problem and no one sees or would back me up.

Next time she says something like that, wait until your dh comes back into the room and repeat it. 'Oh hi dh, mil said she's given dc some milk'. She can either deny or admit it.

Also, just so you know you aren't going this alone I am also NC with my MIL! I've honestly never felt better for it. The entire family are also aware of this, of course she rounded the troops trying to play the victim but as I have taken a dignified step back and only let them be aware of the details of the situation that led to me going NC my sibling in laws have sympathy for me. But I have too much going with a terminally ill mum to actually waste time on MIL drama. My toddler is also better off away from her too! Its taken actual counselling to get the strength to set these boundaries as she is such a bully she makes every ones life so hard if you don't do what she wants! But I'm free and so much happier!

They don’t have to back you up. You have all the power here.

Unless you think DH would rather split up than have you protect his child from harm?

Oh I’ve dreamed of this but it won’t happen. I end up looking like a mad women every time I open my mouth.

Hang on OP...

Look like a mad women in front of who? In the scenario I suggest, you speak to your husband who stands up for you as any husband should. You don't even speak to MIL

Who is going to say you 'sound mad'? Your DH?

If yes, you really have a massive DH problem. He is facilitating your complete dismissal.

Fantasy solution: Next time you are alone with MIL, call her the absolute worst things you can. Deny to your (presumably completely shocked) husband that you ever called her a fuckwitted narcissistic cunt, remind him of the other things you have told him she has said to you when he isn't in the room, and point out that you cannot possibly be expected to spend time with someone who accuses you of such an outrage. Husband will be unable to work out who is lying, because the whole thing is just too outlandish. Added bonus, MIL will never want to clap eyes on you again 😁

Well currently, there are a few female family members completely pushed out.

Sounds like you know where to find your supporters ...

I have a horrible neighbour and the police ignored everything I said as she always got in first sounding very plausible and playing the sweet little old lady card.

So I started to record her by switching on my phone camera but not pointed at her, just held in my hand so she didn't realise. I didn't get a video recording of course - but I got perfectly clear audio recordings of her swearing at me and threatening me. I saved up a couple of these before calling the police in, and to say they were shocked is an understatement. They were also embarrassed they'd been taken in by her. They half-heartedly tried to tell me off for making secret recordings but I just repeated I had no choice as for years they never believed me.

So they did finally believe me and took action against her and it's been quiet now for several months. You can do the same @Ghostcushion - have your phone discreetly recording and then when she denies it play the recordings to your husband in front of her.

I'd also make friends with the other sibs in law who've also been pushed out by her, and present a united front. Refuse to let her look after DC again and if snide remarks are made, play the recordings of her gloating over going against your allergy instructions - never mind who else is there, in fact the bigger the audience the better.

Yeah lol. I’m too busy and can’t be bothered with all the nonsense.

She has no idea or no care whether this caused our child pain

Why?? I’d be making sure she knows, even if that means sending her a photo of the diarrhoea or a video of her grandchild screaming in pain. Also sounds like DH can get in the bin too tbh.

Haven't yet read all your replies OP, and I am the least likely to rise to violence, but when it comes to my vulnerable child, but I'd have to physically resist bitch-slapping her as hard as I could clear across the face. As hard as I could and with as much force as I could, if she fell down from it I wouldn't care. She endangered your child's life, and was SMUG and maliciously spiteful about it.

My child would NEVER be spending another hour alone with her again. I am very deadly serious. Not one hour, unsupervised. I'd be so fucking furious, I'd be going NC immediately and telling her she no longer has a granddaughter. But assuming you don't want to go nuclear like I would, I would cease any unsupervised visits immediately. Don't risk it, just because you want to 'Be Kind' to her. She is not kind to you, and she is certainly not kind to your daughter. She has shown she will risk your daughter's life, just to one up you and be spiteful. Play that game with her on your own if you wish, but NOT with your daughter's life.

Personally I'd be showing her the reports about the girl who died after having something on Costa that had dairy in it!!

I have a dairy allergy, and like your dd it causes digestive issues when small anounts are eaten (although if really bad can be full on anaphylaxis). I end up doubled over in pain. Unable to stand, walk, sit...and when the urge to go comes there is absolutely no stopping it. Your poor dd!!

I would absolutely be banning mil from any sort of responsibility for care without you being there. What's she has done is not just an abuse of your trust but it is an abuse of your dd. She has deliberately chosen to put dd in danger.

I would be telling DH that regardless of his thoughts dd is going nowhere near mil again. He can wiher support you and protect his dd or he can protect her the person who deliberately put her at risk. And if he chooses the latter then I would be divorcing him and insisting on supervised access til he proves he can protect your dd.

Edited to add that when my ex fed dd stuff she was allergic to and failed to comprehend the danger he was banned from having any overnight and i insisted on a food diary being completed.

I would be all over this. There is no love lost here op, she adds nothing but heartache to your life so tell her exactly what you think of her and that she may control your partner but not you. Then deny all. Keep exclaiming, 'but why would I even say that, I was just saying thanks for minding our child'. If your partner tries to take sides remind him he doesn't believe you when he doesn't hear it. She sounds like a dangerous control freak, play her at her own game.