MIL gave toddler milk when she is allergic and was impressed with herself.

[Ghostcushion]

I’ve been having issues with my MIL who seems to have to have the last word about everything and she always thinks she is right.

She had our toddler at the weekend and when we collected her she says. Oh we just gave her whatever we were eating, I didn’t bother checking or not if it contained milk but I know the pie did.

She has been milk free for almost 2 years. Failed the milk challenge a few months ago screaming in pain with diarrhoea. She always questions my decisions like I’m making it all up. Daughter is under the dietician her whole life because of the allergy and terrible reflux.

Im not sure what to say to her? She was literally smirking at me that she got one up on me. She has no idea or no care whether this caused our child pain she just looked to be trying to get one up. I’ve made it clear over the years she doesn’t have milk. She also when I picked her up listed all the things that she has done differently to me…. Eg I didn’t give her any of those treats you left with us, I didn’t need to use the dummy as much as you etc etc.

We had the milk allergy problem 40 years ago. But people were mostly careful and sympathetic. There were always the naysayers who said we would never know if we didn't try him on it.
However, this is the time for making a fuss: 'Thank you for telling us that you deliberately fed our child dangerous food. We will tell the GP (or her specialist) about this, and keep an eye on her. Hopefully there will be no negative outcomes, but we will obviously let you know. However, we will not be able to trust you to care for her again. I am sure you will understand.'

Your MIL abusing your child. If they are in the same house, you need to be in the same room as your child every moment. Unless you want your child to be abused.

I think you’re underestimating yourself when you say you’re not confident enough to do the things that people are suggesting. Ultimately, this isn’t about confidence or avoiding conflict, it’s about keeping your child safe. Keeping your baby, that you carried and grew, safe. I would climb mountains to keep my child safe and I’m sure you would too, so by extension you can refuse to allow her to see your MIL when you’re not around.

This is such a difficult situation for you and your child .
you are being belittled & undermined by your MIL , your child is being put at risk whilst being used to undermine your position as mum & primary carer for your child .
Your husband should be providing clear support to you & explain to his mother that either she respects your wife & your decisions on parenting / protecting your child or you have the right to withdraw visits until she does .
Shocking & dangerous behaviour !

Your MIL sounds like a narcissist to me

Firstly I'm so so sorry this happened. Secondly I think It's not helping mulling over the awfulness of the mil (although you are truly justified to be enraged) .You can only control your own actions and responses. Act now even though it's scary use your rage and fear to push through the fear. Do what you think is right, be classy, be dignified, no drama just opt out of in law family dynamic for the foreseeable future.

As far as I'm concerned, your DD own grandmother is causing harm to her, deliberately, then it's your duty as her mum to keep her safe and away from the thing causing her harm, I'd be NC in a heartbeat.

It's assault, keep away from her.

Sorry your in this situation, and you DH is no better. He is allowing your daughter to be assaulted and you to be abused.

I agree. You'll never win OP and your DH not seeing it because he's been brain washed since he was born probably isn't unusual - but is very worrying for you. My mil was a narcissist and made my life a misery till the day she died, my DH couldn't see it either.

No it’s both!!

Why on earth haven't you said anything to your partner, it's his child to!

She's a narcissist & your dh has a dysfunctional parental relationship. For the sake of your child & your marriage, please do couples counselling- dress it up anyway you can to get him there

I'm NC with my MIL when it all came to a head (my kids were teens by this point)

We had couples counselling as my dh thought the problem was me & it was honestly life changing for him.

It took a complete stranger to be able to tell him that his parental relationships weren't normal & his fear of upsetting her was causing conflict avoidance - all of which had a huge effect on our marriage.

It took him a while to process it all but he can see clearly how manipulating she is & how her behaviour towards me isn't acceptable.

I grey rocked her when it came to a head & she tried to hit me. Dh was horrified.

I've not had any contact since. DH does but it's very limited & on his terms only. Needless to say it's all my fault but I'm fine with that

Google ‘milk baby skin rash’ images. Everyday I would seen her a different image with an accompanying medical article. Without comment. Just the photo and link.

See how many days it takes her to apologise.

This is what recording smartphones are good for 👀.
Record , if she outright denies it ...play back.

I think it would be very important to find out which pie so you can read the ingredients yourself. If it didn't have milk then you know your MIL enjoys worrying you. If it did then you factor that in with your plan for your DD.

It’s clearly wrong. I was the “crazy” one in the family and we ended up divorced. I lasted till
kids were early teens. Lots and lots of constant comments from MIL especially, then realised DH was actually winding me up before anyone would visit so I continued with the crazy….families like those are really f’d up. Many years out of it and it’s like reality appeared again. I almost feel sorry for them except it passes through the generations and just causes pain over and over again. Put a secret camera in the room!! ❤️

You could be me only 18 years ago. I had this exact same situation and refused to allow mil to mind our daughter. Very clever at saying things when husband wasn’t there or out of earshot. It was difficult telling him how his mum behaved until he caught her one day when she had me cornered in the hallway.
I would definitely keep your daughter away from her and even when visiting watch your daughter 100% even take her to the toilet with you. You need to tell your husband and if he kicks up a fuss tell him to pack a bag and go live with his mother because your daughter’s health and life is more important than his mother being right. When he sees that he can come back but otherwise your daughter is your priority. I hope your daughter hasn’t suffered on your mils behalf and I wish you well. My daughter still can’t tolerate milk unfortunately but she’s old enough to deal with it now.

I am sure this has been suggested by other people. But it is possible that she didn't give your child milk, and knows she didn't give your child milk but implied she did. In the hope that you will report back that your daughter had stomach issues etc and it will prove that it "was all in silly DiLs head because when I checked later it turned out there wasn't milk in the pie after all ahahahaha". That also fits with the whole "I am not sure, I didn't check". I hope its that because then your daughter is unlikely to be unwell.Plus then, you look crazy for overreacting when she "didn't do anything wrong." But its still a cruel thing to do. And even if you were being OTT about allergies (you are not, you are acting n medical advice FGS) its your baby, not hers, its your call not hers.

I think your problem goes way beyond MIL. your husband needs a good talking to and you need to make clear it’s her or you!

I'd be tempted to message asking which pie was it as you are on the way to hospital and police are needing to know as its deliberate poisoning.

OP, I think you have to accept that you cannot win if you get into a direct conflict with your MIL. She is a bitch and that is exactly what she wants. And your dh won't stand up for you (only you can decide if you are up for a lifetime of this from him).

Every time she has a dig at you and you react, she wins. She loves it when you tell your husband and he doesn't support you. She loves it when she tells you your dd had milk and you react - she can roll her eyes at the rest of the family and say "look isn't she nuts complaining about a bit of dinner" Everyone in the family has been conditioned to take this from her - even your dh. you can't win with them.

What you can do is vote with your feet. Stay away from her as much as possible - no big deal just "oh sorry we're very busy that weekend" "No, I have to go straight home and can't stop by". If she has a dig at you just be breezy and say something with a smile like "ah sure each generation has its own things. I'm sure your MIL thought you were wrong in everything" or "that's so funny MIL" just don't react with the reaction she wants.

Don't send your child there unsupervised.

Your bigger problem is your dh. I doubt he is going to get out from under his mother's thumb. This would be a HUGE issue for me. I'd tell you to make him more afraid of your disapproval than his mother's but you seem like a lovely gentle person so I don't see that working. best of luck.

OMG what sort of sadistic twat deliberately risks causing pain to her own grandchild?

I'm really mad for you. No excuses, she can stew in her own self righteousness, alone, without you or your daughter until she apologises and even then no unsupervised access.

Lol I do think she underestimates the fact that I’ve been crazy and the unconventional black sheep a long long time and I’m totally comfortable with it. I have no firm understanding of what is going on only that I don’t feel the need to get drawn into it. For a while I wanted to be accepted and part of it but that was a fantasy and what I’m presented with is just weird and avoidant and not the kind of relationship that appeals. I didn’t think it would expand to my kids but it looks like it does unfortunately,

I’ve taken the play really nice approach but behind closed doors I just can’t stand her so withdrawing emotionally completely, If my partner wants to tell me about them then I’ll smile and pretend to be interested. I also like the approach of being incredibly happy and noisy in their presence and joke back all the crap. So the next time I walk in and no one greats me I will very loudly announce my presence and tell them all the amazing stuff we’ve done. Might as well have a small amount of fun.

She sounds delightful.
Next time you know you are going to be alone in her presence, discreetly record the conversation.
Then DH can't deny it.
Obviously, don't tell him about it until you get what you need.
I suspect though, even with good evidence, the backlash will be felt mostly by you.

Honestly, hats off to you OP. You’re managing a toxic MIL and a highly damaged DH with grace and good sense. I absolutely think you are depriving her of everything that she needs to control the situation. No drama, no arguments, no engagement, plenty of self-belief, and side-stepping DH’s mother issues. If she sees you are confident, competent, and enjoying life, you will 💯% nullify the toxicity. Be prepared for her to ramp up the pressure though. And keep your eyes on DD.