Heartbroken over loss of friend group

[Parasauralophus]

I have a group of friends I've known for more than 20 years. I know some better than others but it's a group with lots in common that has endured. The WhatsApp group for the women in this group has been a real safe space for a lot of us, especially in the pandemic. And the group had survived a lot in terms of everyone's life events and relocations etc, it's been a great thing.

Then -- this summer they almost all went on holiday together without inviting me or my family. No misunderstanding or miscommunication, they just didn't want me there it seems. I was really shocked and can't seem to get over it. Feel like a complete idiot that I was so deluded, evidently, about my place in the group (should add that I've been on various trips with them before). Photos everywhere and people talking about how magical it was, no acknowledgement I might have liked to be invited, it's as if there was no reason to think I might go on something like that.

I'll stay in touch with the people I have one-on-one friendships with where I'm confident I'm not deluded about those! but I can't regard the group in the same way again and this leaves a really big hole in my life. I'll try to be open to new friendships and connections as I always am, but in my mid 40s, a super busy phase of life for me and most people, I can't see myself finding another group like this.

Friends are really important to me, which makes my wrong perception about this group feel so the more bizarre, and I just can't seem to get over it. It's like a bad breakup, with the same sense of not being sure what reality is any more, the same sense of your foundation in life disappearing. Anyone else been through something like this? How did you deal with it, practically and emotionally? Any advice, experiences or solidarity much appreciated.

Gosh I would have been devastated too. Did you ask any of the ones you’re closer to why you weren’t included? How many people are we talking? Do you have children?

Oh this is such a shitty thing for them to have done. I'd ask one if the most kindest ones when you see then 1-1 how the holiday got planned.

Thanks for responding. I have a partner and kid. Group is a mix of people with partners and kids and without. Prob 15-20 people plus the families. I haven't really had a chance to ask someone and have been a bit nervous about it to be honest. The only person I've had a long chat with since was actually the organiser of the trip but I didn't want to take her to task about it because the trip was connected in part with her wedding (which I did go to, the actual wedding wasn't at the destination). I couldn't see the point in creating bad vibes connected with her wedding when I couldn't see what she'd have to say back to me other than that all the other people were more important to her to have on the trip

That is awful, but I think you need to ask one who you trust what the story was, and why you weren't included. Impossible to know what is going on otherwise.

For your peace, I think you need to ask someone why your weren’t invited

Ah, I've seen your update. Well as you say, it seems that one person doesn't consider you a very close friend, but it doesn't mean the others don't - in the circumstances they couldn't have added you to the trip, whatever they thought about it, because it was up to the bride.

In such a very big group everyone won't be included every time.

Yes I know you are right. I think I'm just scared of hearing someone say some polite version of, we actually don't like you that much, you're just a hanger-on. But I genuinely can't think what else the reason would be!

This is horrible, absolutely awful.

I would have to ask why I was excluded. Don't ask anyone individually- I would send a calm, polite message to the entire WhatsApp chat: "I was really disappointed that I wasn't invited on the summer holiday with everyone. Has something happened that I'm not aware of?"

If no one has the good grace to respond, then I'd ask an individual. But I think people engaging in poor behavior rely on others not calling them out on it, and quietly leaving. Don't let that happen to you. If someone is pushing you out of the group, make them own it.

And I'm sorry. It's awful. I've been there.

That sounds heartbreaking, I really feel for you. Personally I'd have to ask the person I was closest with when it was organised, maybe you missed the invite?

This is true but I thought I knew her really well, plus she wasn't the sole organiser, plus all my closest friends (only clearly actually not) were there

I know how awful it feels When I was about 18 the girl who had been my best friend since I was a toddler organised a group holiday and invited everyone in our friendship group except me. No explanation or apology given. I couldn’t see her the same way after that and we haven’t spoken in years now. Some people really seem to enjoy making others feel rubbish about themselves. It’s sad and it’s actually a really immature thing for a group of grown women to be doing. Honestly I think you’ve had a lucky escape if this is what they’re like.

That's awful. How insensitive and cruel. Not surprised you feel the way you do. I understand how you feel. Have had something similar happen but not on that scale. Leaves you feeling baffled when you thought you were good mates. And still are supposed to be. I've come to the conclusion that you would drive yourself crazy trying to work out why/ what happened etc so best to minimise it,ignore, look forward not backwards and just carry on being you. People are complex and may hold all sorts of unknown grudges that it's probably best not to analyse too much. In my case, one of the group is very competitive and doesn't like that she's not/ her kids aren't top dog at everything. Nothing I can do if my DD gets what she perceives as better results in different areas, given up losing sleep trying to analyse it all.

Appreciating the responses and that people at least don't think I'm overreacting here, can actually take a bit of reassurance from that, thank you

@Parasauralophus I don't think any of them are genuine friends. I mean how could anyone think it is OK to leave only yourself and your family out woth no explanation? If they didn't stand up to you or discuss it wi th you ghen they are all supportive of the act IMO

It's a sad realisation that most people are superficial and don't really care about anyone

I would think maybe a bit rude and move on heartbroken and devastated is a bit dramatic, whether the op used those words or others, do you have other issues going as this seems way over the top thinking

@Edingril I think you’re in the minority on this thread. Would you really not be upset if your friends missed you out of a big group holiday?

I’m sorry that sounds awful.

Was it considered an extension of the wedding with the bride in charge of the guest list? We went to a wedding at a large holiday house. Some people including DH and I were invited to spend the whole long weekend staying at the house while others were only invited to the wedding. I believe there was some upset by people in our friendship group that they hadn’t ’made the cut’. But this was solely the decision of the bride and groom so it didn’t reflect the closeness of the friendship from our point of view iyswim. In that case it might be that the bride doesn’t include you in her top X number of friends but others in the group still might.

If however it was a group holiday and you were left out by consensus then that is different and I’d be putting my energy into other relationships. I would try to find out the details. Are you going to leave the group or just reduce your engagement?

Group is a mix of people with partners and kids and without. Prob 15-20 people plus the families.

Sorry OP, but this would be my idea of hell.

But life is not static, it ebbs and flows.

Quite normal to want something different - divorces happen, children/parent situations, money problems (COL), jobs, etc.

They should have let you know though. Hopefully you have someone close to you that you can ask why?

I really hope you can get the bottom of this. Hopefully it’s something benign and thoughtless.

I remember a thread on here where there was a group of three friends and two arranged a camper trip and didn’t invite the other one as she didn’t have a camper. Makes sense but you can see how it would look and feel. The OP was mortified when it was pointed out as had genuinely not thought to ask the other friend.

It sounds to me very much that the organiser - whose wedding was in some way connected to the trip - is the main reason you were not included.

So the possibility is that they are the only one out of the group who didn't really see you as important to them as the others invited. Or they just didn't want you guys there. I don't see this as an entire group rejection unless there have been multiple signs leading up from others in the group.

If other things are arranged going forward by other people in the group then expect an invite. If not I understand this is going to feel hurtful and you may never get answers.

I wouldn't trust the organiser after this and wouldn't want to be their friend. Unless I can clearly think of a possible way I have hurt them. Possibilities outside yourself might be your husband is a nightmare ( to them) or you have an out of control kid with additional needs. ( Yes I know that's awful but as a parent of ND kids this can happen. I get it).

I had similar a few months ago with a school parent friend who's family have upped and moved to south africa. In quite frequent contact, very friendly, kids adored each other after half a decade of being friends, requests for international xmas and birthday cards etc. Gone from whatsapp and has a new SA sim and we were the only ones in quite a close parent group to not be sent the new number - and it stings I guess, the not knowing why. Hoping my child gradually half forgets they existed if I just don't mention them, because they're going to be pretty bummed out about it.

I’m sorry OP. Honestly it’s a shitty thing to do.

You say almost all the group went. Was there someone else who didn’t go/didn’t get invited too?

Was there any mention at all of this on the group chat before they all went? If not, that seems deliberate and I can see how you feel so awful.

I would likely Archive /mute the chat for a while and keep in touch separately with the ones you are close to. I would also have to ask at some point about how you got left out.

Spend time with the people who want to spend time with you. You’ll be OK OP. I moved county in my 40s, found great new friends in weeks. You don’t have to hang on to these ones.

💐

That's really crap OP and can totally understand why you feel gutted by it. I wouldn't write on the group or bring it up with all of them. I'd try to pick one of the group who you feel closest to and who you feel you can trust and just say over a coffee 'I was a bit upset not to be invited on the group trip' and just let them explain from there

Again I may think a bit rude and move on, this contast living in a soap opera does not seem healthy

Some people you stay in touch with some people you lose touch with some things happen to you that is nothing to do with you, things just happen

No wonder why there seems to be never ending issues with mental health and anxiety if people get this intense over things

So hurtful, OP. It will take time to get over it, but you will.
In retrospect, were there any signs that there was a distance, or a disconnect between you and the group or some members of it? That might guide your approach going forward, both to the group members and to future opportunities.
Unlike some PPs, I wouldn't ask why. It won't change what happened, and I don't think the answers will be either honest or useful.
Sending a hug.