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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heartbroken over loss of friend group

148 replies

Parasauralophus · 06/10/2024 23:04

I have a group of friends I've known for more than 20 years. I know some better than others but it's a group with lots in common that has endured. The WhatsApp group for the women in this group has been a real safe space for a lot of us, especially in the pandemic. And the group had survived a lot in terms of everyone's life events and relocations etc, it's been a great thing.

Then -- this summer they almost all went on holiday together without inviting me or my family. No misunderstanding or miscommunication, they just didn't want me there it seems. I was really shocked and can't seem to get over it. Feel like a complete idiot that I was so deluded, evidently, about my place in the group (should add that I've been on various trips with them before). Photos everywhere and people talking about how magical it was, no acknowledgement I might have liked to be invited, it's as if there was no reason to think I might go on something like that.

I'll stay in touch with the people I have one-on-one friendships with where I'm confident I'm not deluded about those! but I can't regard the group in the same way again and this leaves a really big hole in my life. I'll try to be open to new friendships and connections as I always am, but in my mid 40s, a super busy phase of life for me and most people, I can't see myself finding another group like this.

Friends are really important to me, which makes my wrong perception about this group feel so the more bizarre, and I just can't seem to get over it. It's like a bad breakup, with the same sense of not being sure what reality is any more, the same sense of your foundation in life disappearing. Anyone else been through something like this? How did you deal with it, practically and emotionally? Any advice, experiences or solidarity much appreciated.

OP posts:
socialdilemmawhattodo · 07/10/2024 22:18

StevieNic · 07/10/2024 13:28

I understand this feeling.This weekend I went on Facebook and saw a load of pics of my oldest friends wedding, that I wasn’t invited to, and hadn’t even been told was happening. I was shocked to say the least.

I’ve actually been reminding myself of all the reasons they weren’t a very good friend to me and didn’t appreciate me, which has helped somewhat.

One of my oldest friends re-married recently and like you I knew nothing about it. But looking back over the last couple of decades she was always delighted for me to follow her and her then husband and their children around, but once I had my DC and family she lost interest in us. That slow decline is often hard to spot. I think a lot of these relationships were really curtailed by COVID - perhaps one of the very few silver linings. I would have been delighted to wish her well without needing to attend. But the clean break is perhaps better.

rainfallpurevividcat · 07/10/2024 22:22

I think it was likely thoughtless rather than deliberately hurtful, particularly as they didn't exactly hide what they'd done re the photos on the group chat, and perhaps some of them don't feel as close to you as you feel you are to them. Arranging for 15-20 people to go on holiday together would be a logistical nightmare anyway so I'm not surprised to hear that not everyone went.

We have often been away with a group of eight and doing anything en masse even with that number can be slow and frustrating.

RoseJam · 07/10/2024 22:22

Friends are people that should make you feel good, feel supported and feel secure. People who you can chat to and be your true self and people who can have honest conversations with and where no bad intentions or silly game playing eg planning a holiday, not saying a word to you, and then posting photos of the holiday on a group chat. Just horrible and playing with your emotions and confidence.

Why are you putting up with it?

Why did not one of the other friends even think of having your back and asking why you were not invited?

If you are brave, I would call them out on over group chat by saying how upset you are over not being invited. Then, I'd be tempted to fuck the lot of them and leave that childish mean behaviour behind for good.

DoreenonTill8 · 07/10/2024 22:24

rubeexcube · 07/10/2024 21:53

OP I am going against the grain a bit here in the sense that I cannot fathom how a group like this would go away, leave you out, post messages in the group about it - and you... simply haven't said a word?

What if there is a simple explanation or mix up? Would 15-20 people really be that spiteful and unkind to do this and then rub your face in it?

This. Have you been spending time with the group recently? Planning activities and meet ups yourself?

Original poster
Parasauralophus · 07/10/2024 22:28

DoreenonTill8 · 07/10/2024 22:24

This. Have you been spending time with the group recently? Planning activities and meet ups yourself?

Show quote history

Yes to both. I have not been around as frequently as before due to some personal circumstances that they knew about but that's obviously not unusual, everyone goes through tricky patches. I had still organised a couple of things recently and turned up to several others. Clearly though, there's something about the situation that I have badly misread

OP posts:
Thursdaygirl · 07/10/2024 22:31

Friends are people that should make you feel good, feel supported and feel secure. People who you can chat to and be your true self and people who can have honest conversations with and where no bad intentions or silly game playing eg planning a holiday, not saying a word to you, and then posting photos of the holiday on a group chat. Just horrible and playing with your emotions and confidence.

This

Rainbow1901 · 07/10/2024 22:32

You say they almost all went on this holiday. Do you know any of the others who didn't go? I think I might be inclined to ask them if there was a reason why they didn't go. Otherwise a straight ask on the Whatsapp group would be reasonable - although it makes me feel that they must have created another group if you were completely unaware of this trip happening until after the event.
That being the case - you need to re-think your friendship circle. You won't see or trust any of these people in the same light again anyway.

rubeexcube · 07/10/2024 22:40

Who arranged it? There will be one or two main protagnasists or did the organising. You need to ask them directly. OP don't be a doormat. There might be an explanation. Because this seems insane to me.

Nanny0gg · 07/10/2024 22:46

Edingril · 06/10/2024 23:33

I would think maybe a bit rude and move on heartbroken and devastated is a bit dramatic, whether the op used those words or others, do you have other issues going as this seems way over the top thinking

What?

Your entire friendship group goes away without a word, puts it all over SM and you're supposed to sit there thinking that they didn't really mean anything by it?

Oh, come on!

tattygrl · 07/10/2024 22:46

This is very bizarre to me, OP. I'm really sorry. It would majorly knock me. I am with some others, in that I can't get my head around how this has happened. I would probably be pushing a bit to try and find out what's gone on, but I understand it's difficult.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 07/10/2024 22:55

@Parasauralophus they must have started a new whatsapp group for the holiday. I would honestly pick myself up, dust myself off and say "fuck the lot of them"!!!! you do not need people like that in your life. the only person you can rely on is you, yourself and you only!! the have been really sneaky about it. I would seriously reconsider even going to the wedding!

Thursdaygirl · 07/10/2024 22:56

although it makes me feel that they must have created another group if you were completely unaware of this trip happening until after the event.

I wondered about this too?

Kittybluecat · 07/10/2024 22:59

I hate being in a group of women. Call them all out on it. F*#k them all!

RadFs · 07/10/2024 23:06

Parasauralophus · 07/10/2024 20:29

Thank you, I think this is what was especially hurtful. They kept completely quiet about it until the holiday was actually happening then bombarded the group chats with photos! It seems like a bad combination. It made me feel like a fool for getting excited about the wedding and other group summer things on the group chats that I was a part of.

Show quote history

Hi @Parasauralophus sorry this has happened to you. Looks like they have another WhatsApp group without you where they plan all their other events without you.

russellpeel · 07/10/2024 23:10

Don’t be so hard on yourself OP, that you’ve missed signs or your friend radar is off. I think you would be surprised that similar things have happened to most of us at one time or another. It’s awful and hard to get past, but remind yourself of your good qualities and how anyone would be lucky to have you as their friend. You don’t need them. Leave them to it.
I would take a step back and definitely mute all FB, what’s app etc to give yourself time to heal. Remind yourself of who you do have in your life and put your energies into them.
Yoj are not alone, we’ve all been there and probably will be again. Many of them will be clinging on to the group for dear life, hoping not to be dropped. They have given you the freedom to meet new friends.

Salome61 · 07/10/2024 23:18

I'm very sorry. Some people just don't know how to be a friend.

My late husband and the kids and I moved up from London to the NE for his job and had been here about three years, and thought we'd been 'accepted'. We were at the local cricket club regularly with about ten other couples we considered as 'friends', all of our children were at the local primary school.

One Saturday we were at the cricket club and someone shouted over to me would I arrange the taxi for X's party .... I had to reply that we hadn't been invited. Every single couple, except us, had been invited to a huge party for a couple's joint 50ieth.

About two week's later, X rang to tell me we were on his 'waiting list' and someone was unable to come to the party. I was appalled, it was so insulting to be 'on his waiting list', he was a doctor and I hadn't been pleased at the way he treated my son and daughter at the surgery, he had obviously had a very different upbringing to me. We politely declined the invitation and apparently it was a very awkward affair - tables for his friends, tables for her friends, and tables for their children's friends. Not our thing at all! Not our type of people, we distanced ourselves.

Original poster
Parasauralophus · 07/10/2024 23:19

RadFs · 07/10/2024 23:06

Hi @Parasauralophus sorry this has happened to you. Looks like they have another WhatsApp group without you where they plan all their other events without you.

Show quote history

Yes they definitely do.. it's not unusual for people to set these up for different events and stuff but more often it's a case of "if anyone wants to come to X here's the group to join", but this one wasn't shared elsewhere like that

OP posts:
Original poster
Parasauralophus · 07/10/2024 23:20

russellpeel · 07/10/2024 23:10

Don’t be so hard on yourself OP, that you’ve missed signs or your friend radar is off. I think you would be surprised that similar things have happened to most of us at one time or another. It’s awful and hard to get past, but remind yourself of your good qualities and how anyone would be lucky to have you as their friend. You don’t need them. Leave them to it.
I would take a step back and definitely mute all FB, what’s app etc to give yourself time to heal. Remind yourself of who you do have in your life and put your energies into them.
Yoj are not alone, we’ve all been there and probably will be again. Many of them will be clinging on to the group for dear life, hoping not to be dropped. They have given you the freedom to meet new friends.

Thank you, this is a good perspective!

OP posts:
Salome61 · 07/10/2024 23:20

So sorry, stuff them. I hope you can let this go, and find new friends who can be the people you need them to be. Night night x

Disturbia81 · 07/10/2024 23:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Awful isn't it.. what did you do? Did you leave the chat?

Disturbia81 · 07/10/2024 23:31

BustingBaoBun · 07/10/2024 21:52

So hurtful for you. It's gobsmacking when something like this happens

A long time ago, but I've never forgotten it, there was a group of us. Three couples, each with two children. We all got on really well and once a month or so we would take it in turns to do a sunday lunch for the 6 of us plus kids. This had gone on for nearly 3 years

I had done my 'turn' I was just sort of expecting to hear about the next time with one of the other couples. It didn't happen and I was saying oh we must do the Sunday lunch again it's such fun. I was sort of fobbed off with excuses I was really puzzled
Then I overheard one of the children telling my DD that they had been to the other couples house and had a lovely Sunday lunch and played in the garden. We were just dropped as a family for no reason that I can work out

I distanced myself, I had no choice

Sorry to hear what happened to you, it's mean

That's awful! Did they ever come crawling back?

Solow12 · 07/10/2024 23:37

Oh OP I’ve been through a similar situation recently, so couldn’t just read and run. I had withdrawn from the group - similar to you, having had lots of stuff going on. Them found out there’s been a weekend away I had no idea about, and that I’d usually be invited to.
it hurts like hell and I’ve cried way more than I should. But I’m actually having moments of peace now. Like, at least I know now and there’s no need for me to be hanging on and stressing about how much they like me or keeping up the pretence of a friendship. It’s just incredibly sad as we’d been so close before and they left me in my time of need.
I hope you manage to find your peace with it, and in the meantime have an un-MN style hug x

Alifemoreordinary123 · 07/10/2024 23:43

So sorry OP, that is truly awful. I had a friend ‘break up’ this year (single friend) and it was really upsetting. It took about six months for me to feel resolved and less hurt about it. Really poor from them. Maybe consider some therapy to help process and move onwards positivity.

BeardofHagrid · 07/10/2024 23:54

I’ll never forget the day, twenty years ago, that I watched my two former best friends hugging each other in front of me and discussing their plans for going swimming the next day and then going out at the weekend. They ghosted me after that and I have never seen them again. Unfortunately it affected me so deeply, I have never had a close female friendship again. Once it’s happened to you it’s so hard to trust again. What’s happened to you is very traumatic. How could they be so cruel? On the plus side, I assume you have several decades of wonderful, positive experiences that you had before this happened. I only had my friends until I was 18. It’s quite rare and lucky to have a friendship group until your 40s. Whatever happens next, at least the happy times can’t be taken from you.

BeardofHagrid · 08/10/2024 00:00

Just to add I don’t know if bringing it up with them individually will help matters, really. I think it will be far too easy to get upset and for it to degenerate into a nasty squabble. I’d almost be tempted to act like you’re completely above all of it and not very interested in their holiday and talk about how amazing your summer was instead.