Heartbroken over loss of friend group

[Parasauralophus]

I have a group of friends I've known for more than 20 years. I know some better than others but it's a group with lots in common that has endured. The WhatsApp group for the women in this group has been a real safe space for a lot of us, especially in the pandemic. And the group had survived a lot in terms of everyone's life events and relocations etc, it's been a great thing.

Then -- this summer they almost all went on holiday together without inviting me or my family. No misunderstanding or miscommunication, they just didn't want me there it seems. I was really shocked and can't seem to get over it. Feel like a complete idiot that I was so deluded, evidently, about my place in the group (should add that I've been on various trips with them before). Photos everywhere and people talking about how magical it was, no acknowledgement I might have liked to be invited, it's as if there was no reason to think I might go on something like that.

I'll stay in touch with the people I have one-on-one friendships with where I'm confident I'm not deluded about those! but I can't regard the group in the same way again and this leaves a really big hole in my life. I'll try to be open to new friendships and connections as I always am, but in my mid 40s, a super busy phase of life for me and most people, I can't see myself finding another group like this.

Friends are really important to me, which makes my wrong perception about this group feel so the more bizarre, and I just can't seem to get over it. It's like a bad breakup, with the same sense of not being sure what reality is any more, the same sense of your foundation in life disappearing. Anyone else been through something like this? How did you deal with it, practically and emotionally? Any advice, experiences or solidarity much appreciated.

Ask the question from someone you know and trust in the group.

Sometimes it really can be carelessness, disorganisation etc. only when you ask will you know. I have done this by accident, group of 8 friends (one of which my sister). I was going to Oxford to see her and another two friends from the North piled on in my car pretty much last minute, then another two from the South day before said they might as well come up and join the party, one was abroad, and it left one that was not there. It was before the time of whatsapp, easy comms by mobile etc, but she was understandably very pissed off and very hurt. At the time I was just thinking of going down myself and not trying to organise everyone and their arrangements, but it ended up that 6 out of the 8 of us were there, making it a bit of a party without her. It certainly wasn't intended, and I am not surprised she was cross and hurt. I still feel bad for it now. Explanations were a plenty, but I can see how she must have felt. It might be something like this. Things are hard to organise with loads of people. I hope it is something like this. xx

“Remaker · Yesterday 23:39

I’m sorry that sounds awful.

Was it considered an extension of the wedding with the bride in charge of the guest list? We went to a wedding at a large holiday house. Some people including DH and I were invited to spend the whole long weekend staying at the house while others were only invited to the wedding. I believe there was some upset by people in our friendship group that they hadn’t ’made the cut’. But this was solely the decision of the bride and groom so it didn’t reflect the closeness of the friendship from our point of view iyswim. In that case it might be that the bride doesn’t include you in her top X number of friends but others in the group still might.

If however it was a group holiday and you were left out by consensus then that is different and I’d be putting my energy into other relationships. I would try to find out the details. Are you going to leave the group or just reduce your engagement?
Edited”

@Parasauralophus - as @Remaker said, it sounds very much like it was to do with the wedding and purely reflects the bride-to-be’s wishes re who to invite, not the whole group’s. You say that nearly everyone else in the group was invited so it sounds like some other people weren’t included either. It still really hurts to miss out on something like that, especially when your very close friends are included, but it sounds like it’s about the bride’s social
circle rather than a group thing. Were there other people there who aren’t part of the group?

You are possibly right here but ironically I've known the bride longer than any of them. We're not like best friends - I wouldn't have expected to be a bridesmaid for example - but I thought we had a nice friendship. Some others were involved in organising the trip. A couple of others didn't go, but one at least I know was invited and couldn't make it, and another is a recent addition to the group who has a whole different group of friends as well -- she's not too bothered but also finds it v weird that I wasn't included. Sorry the politics of the group a bit boring but suffice to say I had obviously not really understood it correctly!

Am seeing someone else in group soon and will probably bring it up as part of me just wants someone to hear how upset I am. But I don't think there is much to say that would help to be honest. Ultimately I didn't make the cut. I imagine the constraint was space/capacity in the place they stayed at. But I wouldn't have guessed I'd be bottom of the list. And in what's generally quite a nice and generous group it seems no one said "oh but we've just left out X, perhaps we could see if they can stay at another place nearby" or something.

Thank you all for letting me wallow a bit and sympathising. Obviously I need to pick myself up and take a pragmatic approach but it is helpful to have (most) people here not think I'm mad to be extremely sad about this.

That is just awful. So deeply hurtful. I would have that chat with another member, they might be able to shed some light, but ultimately you won't feel the same about the group again. I wish people would realise before excluding others that they can never recover that friendship. It is forever damaged.

Over time you may get some answers, I think this is a signpost that you need to start directing your energy elsewhere. Good that life is busy, see if there's something you can get involved in that you've always wanted to. Maybe give the group a swerve for a couple of months until talk about the holiday dwindles.

Good friends are like good family or a loving partner, and we can mourne the loss of them or be hurt by them in the same way. You have my sympathy too OP.

This happened to me OP, it was horrible. I asked my closest friend why I hadn’t been invited and it turned out it had been entirely organised by a guy in the group I wasn’t close to. Still think it was rubbish not to invite everyone in the group but he clearly felt entitled to invite who he wanted as he was doing the organising and I didn’t make his cut. I was disappointed that my closer friends didn’t speak up for me and say “how about inviting Feelinadequate?” But they weren’t massively secure of their position in the group and didn’t want to rock the boat.

for me, it was the start of the end of my time in the bigger group. Like you; I couldn’t get over it and it completely changed how I saw them all and my place in the friendship group. I kept two friends who I still see individually but the others I gradually phased out. Luckily for me I had another couple of similar groups, who aren’t douchebags!

Ouch, I'd have found that deeply hurtful too. You've had such a reasonable and kind reaction to it (not wanting to taint the wedding vibes of the organiser). One positive aspect could be that, if one person was organising, it may well be that several people in the group also thought it was weird you weren't there. Maybe the answer for why was kept vague and so it wasn't pursued with you, just an assumption you couldn't go for whatever reason. Group dynamics can be complex I guess, with lots of individuals with their own comprehension of the group coming together. It could be that there was no actual group decision on the matter. Sorry if this is repetitive of what others have said. Just wanted to respond as I felt for you in the situation.

Thank you everyone for your super kind messages. I saw someone who went on the trip and mentioned how hurt I was. As I expected there wasn't any kind of specific information that would cast things in a better light. I also detected a bit of surprise that I'd thought I could have been invited, so I think what's happened is that I've shifted to the fringes of this group without realising. I've been very busy with work, kid, health issues etc and while people are aware of the reasons why I'm sometimes not around, i think part of the puzzle is that people have been hanging out without me more than I realised. What is tricky is to move on while realising there isn't going to be any simple solution that will mean I'll suddenly have lots more time for cultivating friendships. I'm also not sure I can fix my social radar -- if it's still giving me a faulty understanding of relationships in middle age then I'm probably stuck with that and the mishaps that will come with it. I'm really grateful to everyone here for the sympathy and solidarity. Obviously I need to count my blessings and crack on!

Well, that makes sense, at least, OP — you’ve had a lot going on and had shifted to the fringes of the group without realising because you had less time to meet or engage. We can’t ‘freeze’ group dynamics while we temporarily step out, and, realistically, even if you’d stayed as involved as ever, in a group that big, dynamics and individual friendships are going to alter over time as some people draw together and others draw apart. I know I’ve fallen by the wayside slightly for various reasons from the main ‘group’ of friends I’ve made since moving countries in 2020, but before that I grew much closer to two individuals within it than any of the others had ever been (which I only gathered retrospectively, as a late joiner of an established group), which probably contributed. I’m a bit stung by the behaviour of one person I considered myself close to, but am concentrating on other friendships for now.

That's made me really sad for you. You have a right to ask. Even if the friendships can't be reconciled then at least for closure.

Could it be possible that each friend has absolutely no idea you weren't invited?

I understand this feeling.This weekend I went on Facebook and saw a load of pics of my oldest friends wedding, that I wasn’t invited to, and hadn’t even been told was happening. I was shocked to say the least.

I’ve actually been reminding myself of all the reasons they weren’t a very good friend to me and didn’t appreciate me, which has helped somewhat.

Hi OP,

Can I ask is the group a group of 15 to 20 people? Because I would never expect a group of that size to remain together all the time. Apologies if I got it wrong and that is the group including spouses and children.

I can imagine this idea being suggested on an outing that you missed, and it sort of spiralling.
However I think I would have felt the same as you. Maybe you are a less big group and more small/ 1-2-1 person.
I would write all of them off, but perhaps thus gives you an opportunity to be selective about who you like within the group, and focus on them

That's right. Yes it is big. Obviously there are different sub groups. It's quite rare for almost all of these people to go away together, by virtue of numbers, which made me all the more taken aback that I wasn't included. I don't expect things to remain the same over time. It's more that my own idea of how I relate to the group at this particular time was clearly way off the mark. I felt, for example, closer to several of them than when we all went on a big trip together around a decade ago, yet that's not the perception for them. No one has done anything wrong. But for me it's a big psychological shift.

EDIT: SORRY IT REPEATED THIS POST FOR SOME REASON. That's right. Yes it is big. Obviously there are different sub groups. It's quite rare for almost all of these people to go away together, by virtue of numbers, which made me all the more taken aback that I wasn't included. I don't expect things to remain the same over time. It's more that my own idea of how I relate to the group at this particular time was clearly way off the mark. I felt, for example, closer to several of them than when we all went on a big trip together around a decade ago, yet that's not the perception for them. No one has done anything wrong. But for me it's a big psychological shift.

I think you. need to know why you weren't invited if nearly everyone else was and then make your decision about going forward based on that. But it really is a huge group. Maybe they all just asked to go and you didn't ask. Who knows. You need to find out from the people involved. I would want to know.

I'm so sorry about this. It's upsetting as these long-term connections can mean so much to us even when life moves on or we don't see each other so much. Hoping you have lots of other great people in your life

Sorry this happened to you, OP. To be honest if I were you there'd be no going back for me unless there was some very, very good explanation.
People who are shitty to me get cut off, no questions asked.

Belatedly, no there was no mention before they all went so yes it was deliberate. Appreciate your sympathy!

Well that’s pretty crap of them all OP.
I’m not sure I’d bother with any of them going forward. Unless they made a big effort.

Was there anyone else left out?

I would maybe at one point ask one of them why. Because they all must have known to keep it quiet before they went. Bunch of twats

I need more of this "bunch of twats" energy :)

Yes around three or four others. Of these I know one was invited but couldn't make it, another wasn't invited but is quite new to the group and doesn't know many people. The others I don't know but they may well have been invited but couldn't make it. Or they're in the random dog house with me :)

I think your explanation of now being a bit more on the periphery nails it. Something similar happened to me but actually these friends just have more emotional energy and time to put into friendships than me. And that’s fine. I chose to spend more time with my kids/husband/work and went off the big boozy lunches.

What would get me is that they’ve kept quiet about it. That’s shit. You may need a bit of time just to process this and see how you feel. Just remember that friendships ebb and flow over time, nothing is permanent. Don’t burn any bridges.

What happened sucks, but I agree about not burning any bridges. It was the bride's decision only, so it's quite possible that the others feel closer to you than she does. She might be a bit peeved that you don't have as much time for the group, or she (and perhaps others) assumed you wouldn't be able to go because of your commitments. When someone isn't around, you do naturally include them less over time.

It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate. Would you have been able to go?

I wouldn't say anything more, and neither would I dump any friends over this. People get weird around weddings. I'd just carry on being friends with them all. It sounds like you have a good thing going. But there would be no harm in seeking out new friends too.

I think I couldn’t just pretend this away. I’m mid 40s too and I don’t feel like I need to behave anymore so if there’s nothing left to loose then in this situation I would send a msg to the whole group.
along the lines of ‘I’m sorry to do this but I need to let you know just how sad and embarrassed I feel that I was deliberately left out of this trip. I’ve always considered you all my most loveliest friends and care deeply about you all. I see now that this is possibly not really reciprocated and so I need to leave this group to stop this hurt from developing further. Obviously if any of you do want to keep in touch I would love to but I shan’t be chasing friendships where they may not be wanted.’

Hopefully it’s a huge big misunderstanding and you missed a vital email or message about it… . However, if so, they could have still followed it up.

I agree, it’s hurtful.