Heartbroken over loss of friend group

[Parasauralophus]

I have a group of friends I've known for more than 20 years. I know some better than others but it's a group with lots in common that has endured. The WhatsApp group for the women in this group has been a real safe space for a lot of us, especially in the pandemic. And the group had survived a lot in terms of everyone's life events and relocations etc, it's been a great thing.

Then -- this summer they almost all went on holiday together without inviting me or my family. No misunderstanding or miscommunication, they just didn't want me there it seems. I was really shocked and can't seem to get over it. Feel like a complete idiot that I was so deluded, evidently, about my place in the group (should add that I've been on various trips with them before). Photos everywhere and people talking about how magical it was, no acknowledgement I might have liked to be invited, it's as if there was no reason to think I might go on something like that.

I'll stay in touch with the people I have one-on-one friendships with where I'm confident I'm not deluded about those! but I can't regard the group in the same way again and this leaves a really big hole in my life. I'll try to be open to new friendships and connections as I always am, but in my mid 40s, a super busy phase of life for me and most people, I can't see myself finding another group like this.

Friends are really important to me, which makes my wrong perception about this group feel so the more bizarre, and I just can't seem to get over it. It's like a bad breakup, with the same sense of not being sure what reality is any more, the same sense of your foundation in life disappearing. Anyone else been through something like this? How did you deal with it, practically and emotionally? Any advice, experiences or solidarity much appreciated.

This is why I don't do the group thing. I've got a lot of friends but we're all individuals and none form a ""group". I'd hate that sort of group holiday. I'd disengage and form new relationships that aren't group dependent.

Never ever? Because being totally honest here that’s unlikely. It’s not to suggest you would have done so intentionally but when people claim saint like treatment of others I do raise an eyebrow because generally we’re not like that.

I was struck by the OPs post as I’m in a not dissimilar position, although mine is a bit of a strange one. It’s not my thread but suffice to say there’s been a bit of a strange dynamic with the group of women I’ve been friends with since ds was a baby - they all have girls and one woman in particular has been pushing quite an aggressive sort of ‘our girls are all besties’ narrative which has ousted DS and I don’t want him exposed to that. It’s very hurtful though and for a few weeks I felt as the OP did.

People are often thoughtless; generally I don’t think there’s malicious motivation behind it but I do think sometimes power play comes into it and people don’t think how hurtful it is on the other side. I am sure your friends do like you @Parasauralophus and it sounds like thoughtlessness to me more than anything but I know (believe me!) that doesn’t make it any easier!

Friendship groups like this include children too- they often constitute most of a family’s social life.

If you don’t understand that dynamic, that’s fine, but there’s no need to put down a person who’s struggling.

I'd be asking, ar least the ones I was close to, if there was a reason I wasn't invited

I find on threads like this the responses start to branch into distinctive threads

Some are warm and kind and may encourage the OP to consider what if any part they played in events (I am NOT suggesting you did anything wrong @Parasauralophus , more that some posts will prompt you to think about where relationships may have become more distant without you realising.)

Then you get the noseys who desperately want to know what you ‘did.’

The defensive sort of posters who share their own tales and insist they don’t have any friends now and prefer it that way.

And posts like the one quoted that make out the OP is overreacting (or make out the OP deserves the treatment in some way!)

None of these are wrong but they are interesting to observe.

Thanks for the summary… very useful, needed, and insightful… NOT!

don’t know what point you’re making.

and if you were referring to me about insisting on not having any friends, you’ve not read properly or made a lazy summary - I was saying I dont’t want to have a close group of friends like the group I lost, the reason (and this is obvious in my post) it’s hard to cultivate a 20 year relationship which can just evaporate like that.

@TheMamaLife to be honest if I read your post it didn’t register. It is just a pattern I noticed as I went through the thread. There are those who are very ‘huh, don’t need friends anyway’ there are those insistent the OP deserved it in some way and then there are some really insightful, thoughtful and helpful posts as well that have helped me as well as the OP, I am sure.

This thread has brought back some of the sadness I felt this summer about a not too dissimilar situation. I was meant to be going on holiday with one of my closest friends of 8 years. We had talked about it for months, we were going to Vienna. He asked me in early June if he could ask two other mutual friends, which I said was fine. Discussing dates, I said I could do any week in July except one. I heard nothing from him for a while and at end of June I messaged and asked which week in July we were going. He told me that he had booked to go on holiday with the other two people in the only week I couldn't do. So he dumped me for them. Oh, and they went to Vienna.

I was crushed for the whole summer. It ruined my whole holiday, and even writing about that brought back how sad I was. For the first while, I was very much in the mentality that I would get over it and our friendship would continue, and I tried to have some contact and put a good face on it. But in the last month or so, something inside me has died. The friendship has been so damaged by this that it can't recover. I am done. Fortunately, I have other relationships that I can focus on in future.

I hope you can move on too, OP. When people treat us with such little respect and thought, I think the damage to a friendship is too great for it to continue, sadly.

Fair enough.

Yes, lots of helpful posters here.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP.
ARran24, interesting to hear you say that it's during challenging times when people like this can target you.
I was going through the breakup of an 18 year marriage when I was dropped by a close "friend" of 20 years. There was no reason, no explanation. I did try and elicit why. She was the queen bee of the group and nearly all the others in the group (all bar 2) followed suit and I stopped being included in invites. I've now withdrawn from the group as it just feels so so toxic.
How can adults treat people like this?
It's just so unkind

@Savingthehedgehogs neither have I but am certainly aware of others who do-

It's hard to accept that with something like this,not only is it incredibly hurtful, but you may never find out what was behind it. You may do, and at least then you have some closure, but sometimes you dig and there's nothing. I would try the route of talking to members of the group one by one if anything. If you send a message to the whole group, no good can come of it - it'll be met with silence or blocking. I'm sorry this happened to you.

I think if you are going to be in a large friendship group you need a thick skin or a certain mindset. It’s not for everyone. I am in a large local group and there have been sub groups who have gone away together and yes I have felt a lesser version of what poor op is feeling. But I am a hypocrite because I have gone away in smaller sub groups too.

If you want the jolly fun of a large group this is the price you pay. I think the answer is not to get too emotionally invested but to enjoy the good times and the camaraderie and accept
somethings you are in and others you are not. Or you will drive yourself mad.

I don't know of if I could continue a friendship with any of them- you say there are some you are closer to than others- but they also excluded you and kept it from you- I'd argue it's worse from the ones you felt you were close to. I also understand trying to start an entirely new friendship base in your mid 40's is impossible. I would have to know. I couldn't let it go that I was so little regarded by women important in my life that they had lied, kept me in the dark, and organised behind my back a trip that I would have gone on.

I agree thoughtlessness rather than malicious behaviour is often the reason, as unpalatable as it might be. I have no doubt if and when op raises it there will be confused looks all round, and a feeble answer that they didn’t think she would like it or something along those lines.

You are not wrong about the dynamic between the children, and their part in the group. I have seen others being quietly dropped for this reason from their friendship groups (child had adhd and was uncontrollable in public, or was hurting other children etc) Some parents have very little tolerance for other peoples children.

Either way it’s true big groups are not for the faint hearted, because by their very nature the loudest voices tend to be the safest, and the gentle quiet ones overlooked. You have to take the rough with the smooth, and ensure you are not dependent in any way.

Big groups are there for fun, and nothing much more. deeper connection is often compromised, and there is always someone that gets hurt. In my experience.

I have a similar group of very old friends. To have kept in touch for 20 odd years is genuinely one of the best things that's happened to me in my life, so I really understand your hurt.
However 15-20 (excluding families??) Is definitely too big a group to manage without it fracturing into sub-groups. Not least because it's near impossible to find accommodation that can cater for a group of that size.
If this group is important to you, and it clearly is, then don't give up on it. As others have said, talk to the organiser to find out what went on. Explain your hurt. Recognise who your Besties are in that group and focus on nurturing those relationships- it can't be all 15. Let them know how you feel about them. Be realistic about what's possible.

I can relate to your post Sonjadog, it evokes a type of grief.
It’s difficult, but moving on and finding new friends is the only way to go. It takes time and I’m now wary of how much I ‘give’ in a friendship after supporting a good friend for over 30 years. The snubbing and disloyalty was devastating at the time.

Sorry you're hurt OP 🪴

Agree it's not your fault - I've often tended to be the "fringe friend" and used to tie myself up in knots about things like this.

I think lowering expectations can sometimes be helpful.

Like @TheaBrandt and @Savingthehedgehogs said if you do want to be part of a big long term group, there's a lot of social politics and people management and emotional and cognitive load associated!

People can be very illogical....often if you're not committing to be "in" and making a massive amount of effort to stay in the centre, you're out.

I'm very nice (honest!) but often I've found myself excluded for God knows what reason. I know now I'm not extroverted or confident or thick-skinned enough to deal with this.

I enjoy people on an ad-hoc basis, now, but try to be fairly pragmatic in my decisions rather than significantly emotionally invest. I just don't get on well with the social dynamics!

Seeing elderly relatives, people tend to drift apart anyway.

Ultimately it's mainly family and things like your own finances and health/wellbeing and life set up that massively affect your quality of life anyway.

I'm not a recluse, if it's an activity I enjoy or something aligned with my goals or I need a chat I'll go for it. But treating it all quite lightly.

For example, I've got the vibe that a new group is sort of setting me up as "second rate"..not terrible or bullying, but feels it's me doing more chasing. I won't flounce but I'm opting out for this year.

That's now freed up more money and energy so I can have a weekend away with another group next year, and a weekend city break as well .

Agree with Quicks approach. I am very pragmatic about friendships now and my expectations are low. It’s the only way to have a large friendship group without driving yourself mad fretting.

Oh and if I ever feel left out I reach out to another left out one and make an even better plan!

I wouldn’t throw the baby out with the bath water here op though your upset is totally justified.

I get what a previous poster said, about sub-groups within a bigger group, but its the keeping you in the dark bit that I find so petty. If you weren't invited (for whatever reason) but the arrangements and planning were visible, that would be a bit different, I think? And it would give you an in-road to asking why.

I agree with this.

I'd just archive or mute the group for now, practice self-care.

Make a boring grey rock excuse if anyone asks, enjoy autumn and winter, find something nice and independent and non-stressful to do (New series or yoga at home or plan some days out or walks) and review the situation in a few months time.

Emotional healing time before anything else.

Don't spend any money or time on this group or give away much information.

It's probably one of two options.

1. A ringleader/Queen Bee specifically directing this.

Which I agree definitely does happen - I was targeted at school as part of someone's social hierarchy games.

She was manipulative and super-competitive and was specifically being hot/cold...playing extra nice and drawing me into the group as if I was close....

(She would collect information about me - if I distanced myself she would do something to get my attention/get me back).

...so she could then have events and exclude me.

She could see I was doing very well , pretty, focussed, sporty, good grades and she wanted to take me down a peg or two. I also had very low self esteem and was quite naive!

Looking back it's a lot clearer, but it really really massively knocked my confidence at the time.

I did actually try to have the confrontations/direct conversations, but part of the "game" for her was having me feeling bewildered and upset.

And for a few years she was moving on with her life whilst I was struggling with the dysregulation and shame and feeling rejected.

So you don't want to give them the satisfaction or you'll go mad. Keep your peace-of-mind and life progress and goals paramount.

1. Just people thoughtless and forgetting to invite you, justifiably upsetting and unkind, but no intentional malice.

In this case, you might want to downgrade the group emotionally and invest your time and energy elsewhere but keep the options open.

Maybe not holidays but for a quick night out or if you need something practical.

Again, peace-of-mind and your own goals first.

I'd be hurt too. Put a short message in the group asking' Was there any particular reason we weren't invited to the last trip away? Only asking as we'd have loved to have come & would like to be included in any future plans if there's no problems between any of us' Put it on all of them.