Heartbroken over loss of friend group

[Parasauralophus]

I have a group of friends I've known for more than 20 years. I know some better than others but it's a group with lots in common that has endured. The WhatsApp group for the women in this group has been a real safe space for a lot of us, especially in the pandemic. And the group had survived a lot in terms of everyone's life events and relocations etc, it's been a great thing.

Then -- this summer they almost all went on holiday together without inviting me or my family. No misunderstanding or miscommunication, they just didn't want me there it seems. I was really shocked and can't seem to get over it. Feel like a complete idiot that I was so deluded, evidently, about my place in the group (should add that I've been on various trips with them before). Photos everywhere and people talking about how magical it was, no acknowledgement I might have liked to be invited, it's as if there was no reason to think I might go on something like that.

I'll stay in touch with the people I have one-on-one friendships with where I'm confident I'm not deluded about those! but I can't regard the group in the same way again and this leaves a really big hole in my life. I'll try to be open to new friendships and connections as I always am, but in my mid 40s, a super busy phase of life for me and most people, I can't see myself finding another group like this.

Friends are really important to me, which makes my wrong perception about this group feel so the more bizarre, and I just can't seem to get over it. It's like a bad breakup, with the same sense of not being sure what reality is any more, the same sense of your foundation in life disappearing. Anyone else been through something like this? How did you deal with it, practically and emotionally? Any advice, experiences or solidarity much appreciated.

Christ why do women in groups sometimes act like this? Mean girls, mind games, power trips and queen bees. It's frankly pathetic. You'd have thought being the supposedly more emotionally intelligent and mature sex we would have moved on from playground antics...but nooo! There will be a queen bee and the others are enslaved by her to keep you out as she has deemed you not worthy for some bullshit reason. You won't be alone, others will follow when she turns her gun on them, I've watched this play out in various female only groups. Then the whole group often implodes and queen bee will find new victims.. Trust me you don't want to be part of that power play dynamic, leave them and their beloved narcissistic sociopath to it and find a nicer bunch or ,better yet, some individual friends for coffees as the games can't play out so easy in small groups of 2 or 3! Only asshole cowards choose to give someone the silent treatment instead of tell them the truth so they have a chance to sort it/make their own mind up what to do. Freezing someone out is abuse. You wouldn't tolerate it if a partner did it!

It’s the secrecy that sucks. Similar happened to a group I was in. All friends, all met up weekly. One had a christening for their child and only invited some of the group, absolutely fine. However, they talked about it in front of another member of the group who wasn’t invited but tried to use ‘code’ so the not invited person wouldn’t twig this christening was happening. All very childish and nasty. No one would have cared if she’d (the organiser) just been honest. Friendship group broke up into those who had been invited and those who hadn’t.

From a different viewpoint we are a group of 4, one cancelled 2 trips away last minute and is never available to book in advance or do weekends due to children’s activities so we do invite her to the met ups at weekends (2 or 3 a year) but no longer the trips away due to not being able to book in advance & cancelling. Could it be that?

While it is nice that some PP are finding possible explanations for the lack of invite, what is the explanation for them all keeping it quiet from the OP beforehand?

Not one person mentions it to OP in the lead up. Noone bothers to say, ‘by the way there’s a group holiday just for these people because x. Just in case you hear us talking about it.’

Reasonable explanations would surely be shared (eg all bridesmaids, all have older DC, all like camping, all are cyclists etc). In this case they all kept quiet.

Yeah. Twattery.

Anyway OP. Photos always look great. I bet many of them got on each others nerves. And I bet some didn’t pay their way etc. In time someone will break ranks and you’ll find out more.

💐

@Parasauralophus I've felt the same about long term connections. I've seen a few weddings on fb of old friends, friends who I had years of close friendship with but maybe haven't been in each others lives for years. But still think of each other fondly. If I ever got married I'd want to invite all these people I spent so much time with. But I've been surprised a few times that I haven't been invited to theirs. I always think "do they really have so many "recent" people they know now?
It does make you sad

Agree absolutely with what Cato has said - this is not that they all went away on holiday and left you behind, it's the deceit of NOT telling you! Not a single one of them thought “we must tell Parasauralorous about the holiday, she'll be very hurt otherwise”.
Hope you find some new friends who have some integrity!

Thank you, I think this is what was especially hurtful. They kept completely quiet about it until the holiday was actually happening then bombarded the group chats with photos! It seems like a bad combination. It made me feel like a fool for getting excited about the wedding and other group summer things on the group chats that I was a part of.

Arseholes, I've been there, it's shit. Fuck em

That sounds crap OP ☹️
can see why it would be so upsetting and have you questioning everything.

was it the type of trip where there was no limit on numbers eg camping in a field? or everyone staying in the same large hotel?

or was it something with a fixed number of places eg holiday home with certain number of bedrooms.

do they get on with your partner? Could that be why you weren’t invited?

That's really awful - I feel for you. I would have been really hurt.

Was there one person responsible for organising and chosing who went and the rest went along? Are there any people in the group you'd still like to see individually, or will you cut them all off?

Similar happened to me 3 years ago. I asked them why. I soon found out who valued my friendship & I've only just got over it. 3 totally blanked me. Still no response/explanation why. I really feel for you, it was a horrendous time & I lost my best friend over it. She couldn't understand why I was hurt/upset & suggested it was my fault (with no explanation). & continued to leave me out. Some people are just unkind. I still don't know the reason why it happened to me/within our group. I've finally come to the conclusion that they're just not nice people. It took me a long time to reach that point though! I regret spending so much time dwelling on it & being upset about it. But you live & learn! I genuinely thought friendship issues would be done/less impactful as an adult but I was wrong! I'm still close to one of them (she was also left out but cared less than I did) but I don't see the rest of them at all now

Ah so nothing on the group at all beforehand. Not a hint. And then on the same chat group, posting all the pictures when they got back?

Nasty. Deliberate. You’ll never get an apology.

As a PP says, ‘fuck em all’.

New people will come into your life PP and they’ll want to spend time with you.
💐

That's totally crap that they put the photos on the group chat, knowing you'd see them and not even giving you the heads up that the trip was going to take place. If you were friends enough to be included in other events taking place, I can totally see why it would feel like a slap in the face to be left out of the trip. I've not seen a couple of friends this past year for reasons on both sides (grief, family illness, mental health) but I'm organising a trip soon for a birthday and I've included everyone because I know they'd feel completely shit if they saw photos and they were invited. It's only a few extra people who I have just not seen as much as usual but I didn't want to exclude anyone and it's brought us back together again having plans and talking about them and how we've missed each other. Some people are just really careless with other people's feelings unfortunately and get caught up in the fact that they're part of the crowd

You sound lovely. Totally understand you feeling left out.

You deserve better than this, OP.

Back away and put your efforts into family and other friends.

They've made it clear that you are not a priority so don't prioritise them.

I wouldn't go near them again, in honesty.

Life is way to short for putting up with that kind of fuckery!

It never ceases to amaze me how a group of grown women can behave so appallingly.
It's not uncommon. I've seen quite a few threads about this type of behaviour.

I’m so sorry, that’s just mean and horrible. This happened to me once, with a group of old Uni friends. I was the first to have children, but still went out with them when I could. I went to a birthday night out, and someone (quite deliberately) told me they were all going away for the weekend as well as the night out. They just hadn’t invited me. I was so upset and hurt - the person whose birthday it was had been my bridesmaid! Im afraid for me, it killed the friendship. I hope you feel better soon x

That's very hurtful of them, I can see why you'd want to know what happened, but maybe just take it at face value that they are quite an inconsiderate bunch, and just see the ones who you are closer friends with in the future (if any).
I wouldn't have the headspace for a 20 person friend group, plus families, wow! I wouldn't know how to have meaningful connections with that many people and navigate all the group dynamics. How do people find the time? I am envious of people who can do that!
Can you just enjoy the group chat as a distraction and put your real friendship effort elsewhere where it's appreciated?

So hurtful for you. It's gobsmacking when something like this happens

A long time ago, but I've never forgotten it, there was a group of us. Three couples, each with two children. We all got on really well and once a month or so we would take it in turns to do a sunday lunch for the 6 of us plus kids. This had gone on for nearly 3 years

I had done my 'turn' I was just sort of expecting to hear about the next time with one of the other couples. It didn't happen and I was saying oh we must do the Sunday lunch again it's such fun. I was sort of fobbed off with excuses I was really puzzled
Then I overheard one of the children telling my DD that they had been to the other couples house and had a lovely Sunday lunch and played in the garden. We were just dropped as a family for no reason that I can work out

I distanced myself, I had no choice

Sorry to hear what happened to you, it's mean

OP I am going against the grain a bit here in the sense that I cannot fathom how a group like this would go away, leave you out, post messages in the group about it - and you... simply haven't said a word?

What if there is a simple explanation or mix up? Would 15-20 people really be that spiteful and unkind to do this and then rub your face in it?

I can empathise with the moving to thr fringes thing. I had a really good work friend and we were both invited to a party so I invited her for a lift. She declined because she and the other colleagues were going out on the way, no invitation for me! Then when I got there they said there wasn't room on the table. All very strange but I now have better friends!

@BustingBaoBun more or less the same happened to us, we got dropped, and their get togethers plastered all over FB.

Sympathies OP, I’m very wary about friendship groups now, preferring a few good friends that I see on a 1/1 basis.

I haven't said anything on the group chats but I have gingerly brought it up with a few people one-to-one now and the answer seems to be that there isn't an answer. I just wasn't invited. I haven't really probed into how the invitations took place etc but my impression is the idea of inviting me/us didn't even come up.

This is insanely hurtful and heartbreaking. Do not accept this behaviour as normal. Call it out. Find better friends. Their response will tell you all you need to know