Heartbroken over loss of friend group

[Parasauralophus]

I have a group of friends I've known for more than 20 years. I know some better than others but it's a group with lots in common that has endured. The WhatsApp group for the women in this group has been a real safe space for a lot of us, especially in the pandemic. And the group had survived a lot in terms of everyone's life events and relocations etc, it's been a great thing.

Then -- this summer they almost all went on holiday together without inviting me or my family. No misunderstanding or miscommunication, they just didn't want me there it seems. I was really shocked and can't seem to get over it. Feel like a complete idiot that I was so deluded, evidently, about my place in the group (should add that I've been on various trips with them before). Photos everywhere and people talking about how magical it was, no acknowledgement I might have liked to be invited, it's as if there was no reason to think I might go on something like that.

I'll stay in touch with the people I have one-on-one friendships with where I'm confident I'm not deluded about those! but I can't regard the group in the same way again and this leaves a really big hole in my life. I'll try to be open to new friendships and connections as I always am, but in my mid 40s, a super busy phase of life for me and most people, I can't see myself finding another group like this.

Friends are really important to me, which makes my wrong perception about this group feel so the more bizarre, and I just can't seem to get over it. It's like a bad breakup, with the same sense of not being sure what reality is any more, the same sense of your foundation in life disappearing. Anyone else been through something like this? How did you deal with it, practically and emotionally? Any advice, experiences or solidarity much appreciated.

You’re not mad to be upset. This sounds really hurtful. I had a similar (smaller scale) thing happen and I gently confronted one of them and said how hurt I was and asked why. She explained that another person organised it and then she felt a bit ashamed at not having stood up to her and so tried to keep the whole thing a secret. She was really sorry and almost seemed glad I’d confronted her. We are still friends. But I am not friends with the person who intentionally excluded me. I think some people seem to get a kick out of this kind of tween behaviour.

Was it as aimple as an oversight?

Did you make a comment about being skint? Not being able to get time off ? Or something similar?

You need to ask. ( maybe they don't like your partner?) Does he drink too much etc?

@Parasauralophus think you have to ask or let it go. Maybe the bride thought you’d been asked or asked someone else to ask you. Maybe it they didn’t realise or maybe it was deliberate. I understand it’s hurtful regardless.

Is the bride a Queen Bee, OP? I think now is the time to get angry. You need to ask directly, maybe in the WhatsApp group, as to how come you were missed out for this holiday? Let's see if you get any responses, ignored, excuses or blanked. It must be tearing you apart trying to work it all out by yourself. It makes no sense that there was radio silence, no chat and suddenly all these photos. Certainly spiteful, but it's time for some proper answers so you can move on. 💐💐

The thing with things like this is the initial decision will have been made by the organiser of this event, the others will just be going along with it. Some in there will like you, some will feel indifferent and likelihood is someone in the group will just not like you. Or it could even be someone thought you would t be able to come based on x. But its really unlikely 15 20 people will all like each other, it just doesn't happen like that.

Whatever it is, that's life, just carry on and let it wash over you.

It must really hurt. I think living well is the best revenge. I think lots of people do make new friends later in life. I think quite a lot of people are lonely - often working at home alone and so on - who would be delighted to make a new friend mid 40s or not. Perhaps you have to dedicate a little bit of time to finding a new friend group, busy or not. Sure they won't have 20 plus year of history but that didn't turn out to be such a great thing in the present circumstances.

It's a horrible feeling. It's like you start to doubt yourself and what the friendship was.

My guess is there have been meet ups you haven't attended/weren't invited to. And somewhere along the way your position has slipped and you never noticed. It also may be that the event was discussed during meet ups or on a separate thread and the core people in that discussion got an invite.

But in a group of roughly twenty, to invite over 75% and leave the rest out is just mean.

Better you know and you can cultivate friendships that benefit you.

Not really. it ended up strictly children based, playdates etc, I was very matter of fact and cool at pick up and drop off.

Not us mixing with the adults again! After 3 years of doing so! The 4 of them with the 4 children carried on with the Sunday lunch thing..just excluding us...maybe my gravy wasn't up to scratch!!
I can laugh about it now because it was a very long time ago but I remember the moment I realised they had met without us, where I was stood, everything, and the hurt I felt 😮

I have such sympathy for the OP because it's such a shock to realise things aren't what you thought they were

The group has got too big.

This is very common, and it’s fractured into smaller groups within groups. And the bride is clearly part of a much smaller group with your closest friends and it is very hurtful.

Are you very close to her? Would you expect her to consider you one of her closest friends? If so, you have to ask her. You need to find out what the answer is. It so t ruin her wedding - it’s been and gone. You are not a hanger on but a key friend of twenty years. You need to say how upsetting this was for you, be honest.

Groups by definition often go this way. They become a victim of their own success. Cherry pick any genuine friends - dust yourself down and move on. I would definitely want to know the truth before I did.

To call it magical and post about it knowing some were not invited leads me to think this has not been a great group in a very long time op. That’s so insensitive.

Thank you. It's very tough! Hoping that you have other great people you can rely on x

I’m sorry you’re upset OP.

The reality though is that a group of 15 couples isn’t going to be a group of close friends. It will be a group who get on, who hang out together, but it’s inevitable that out of such a large group of people there are going to be breakout groups, and people who get on better with others.

If you’re honest with yourself, even when you arrange events, even though you do presumably invite everyone, there are going to be people in that group who you are less bothered if they’re there than others.

Generally when people talk about having a large group of friends the truth is that it’s usually fairly superficial, and the groups tend to drift apart over time, people come and people go.

And I hate to say it, but it’s almost always women, which is why there are so many women who actively choose not to be a part of these kinds of friendship groups and who even say they get on better with men than women.

It’s entirely possible that one person in the group has arranged a holiday, maybe with someone else, who has invited someone else and so the group has expanded. And out of 15/20 people, if everyone wasn’t there, I wouldn’t think that someone would necessarily ask where x and y and z are.

At the end of the day, there will be people in that group you get on better with than others. Foster those friendships, if necessary ask how the holiday came about, but not why you weren’t invited.

And then either step away from the group or continue to socialise with them while realising that it’s like most groups of that size, fairly superficial. And then take the genuine friendships from that group.

This is very sound advice: “And then either step away from the group or continue to socialise with them while realising that it’s like most groups of that size, fairly superficial. And then take the genuine friendships from that group.”

While I’ve not had this experience with a group, it’s happened to me a number of times with work friends, who I’ve known for many, many years, and their weddings. Something about weddings and wedding-related activity which really lets you know where you are in the pecking order!

Like you, I’ve been able to identify that I have been busy with family and other things and have realised that they have spent a lot more time together socially than I had necessarily realised. The people I’m thinking of like me perfectly well but I’ve realised that a great many others are much more important to them. But even if you can see a reason, with people you are very fond of, it always hurts a bit to realise you are more peripheral to them than they are to you. And, as you say, I’ve sometimes felt a bit foolish not to have realised sooner.

It sounds like people in the group are probably still very fond of you but, given no-one seems to have thought of inviting you, you’ve drifted from the group in a way you were unaware of until now. Sorry you’re in this position, OP. It really hurts.

OP I can completely empathise. It's such a punch in the gut when it happens. My confidence took a real battering when it happened to me.
I agree with the advice of others here - mute social medias and WhatsApp for a while and give yourself some time to heal. Out of sight, out of mind and all that

It's strange behaviour. But have you thought about why they might not want to invite you op?

Is your kid really badly behaved? I know a group like this who have stopped inviting one of the families as their kid is a nightmare and his parents just leave it to everyone else to deal with him when they all go on holiday. Just a thought...

I'm sorry, this kind of behaviour from "friends" is appalling.

I was "let go" by so-called friends when my girls were younger. The girls are both adopted - lots of additional needs - and they didn't make the cut with the other families either. It was a huge lesson in what drives a lot of people - who they value and who they will happily discard.

I DID still have friends but they were not the in crowd. I occasionally cross paths with these people and see how they are still super invested in their status within the group. I simply didn't tick the boxes with my challenging children.

Anyway the other thing I wanted to mention is that experiencing challenging times like I did can cause you become a target for these people. They can smell your vulnerability as it were and they have no problem taking advantage and seeing you off. I have had this confirmed by trauma therapists - it's as if your aura or whatever is full of holes and they can sense it.

I used to have a big job, friends, status etc and it all changed when I adopted and it was like I had an unseen energy that people didn't want around them. I know other adopters and people who have been eg bereaved have experienced similar.

Anyway, I really feel for you and am sorry these people treated you like this.

What a horrible situation for you to be in. I would have to ask one of the group you’re still friendly with why you were excluded. And then I would be putting a distance between myself and the group, and try to find some new friends. Sounds like such a nasty thing for them to have done.

Is it possible they think you were invited?
Ive pulled a friend up on not being invited before and they’ve come back with reasons they thought I might not have been interested, which we’re semi valid , and the others in the group had no idea I wasn’t invited by the organiser

I am trying to word this carefully and kindly - you say you adopted two girls with lots of additional needs, is there are chance your girls caused issues with other children in the group?

Someone up thread commented that a person could possibly be excluded from a group holiday due to nightmare children - I’m not suggesting you have nightmare children, but I’m sure you get my drift?

It’s been almost 2 years for me since I lost my friendship group of 20 years. Also with no real reason as to why they changed. (My baby was just 3 months old and I was clearly suffering post-natal depression. The ring leader, one day out of the blue, called me to say that she was stepping back from our relationship because I’m too negative and ungrateful - she’s a mum herself and supposed to be a psychiatrist, and this is what she said to me?!).

I’m responding to OP’s post to show solidarity and hopefully provide some comfort and validation for what you’re feeling. For me, it was worse than a bad break up, I still get upset thinking about it. I considered counselling but, with a new baby (my first) and no “sisters” to lean on, (I had always thought they would be there for me as I was for them), I couldn’t find the time.

We have a connection with girlfriends that transcends any connection with a romantic partner, and so the sudden loss cuts deeper.

All I can say is that it gets better in time. I haven’t replaced this group with new friends, to be honest, I don’t want new friends. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to replace them, and I don’t want to try. I’m now more weary of people and, as sad as it sounds, have become a little more selfish with my love. I gave so much to those girls, and got this back in return. I’m hurt and the hurt won’t get better. With all said and done now, I’m glad they fucked off before my child got to know them because I don’t know how I would have explained this to him if it happened when he was older as he would have been raised viewing them as actual family.

I hope your find a healthy way to overcome this and don’t look back, OP. Best of luck and love to you. X

To the OP and the other posters with the sad stories, I’m so sorry to hear all of these.
This has really resonated with me, being the third of a group of 5 to be “pushed out”.
It’s been 15 months for me but I still have times when it hurts so bad that they are carrying on without me and feels like there’s still such a hole in my heart.
But like many of the other posts, it helps to know these people who can turn from being the best of friends to stab you in the back for no apparent reason, are really not very nice people, in spite of all the good times.

I’m still feeling a void of a group of girlfriends. Im finding it hard being mid 40s and working from home to meet new people.

I don't see why I wouldn't be invited to adult parties because of the girls. Neither was violent or rude. Just different. Asd different. Learning difficulties. Or maybe you think that's obviously a reason to drop people?

It is really sad to hear everyone's stories, and awful that some people have been ditched on account of life events like adoption or postnatal depression. Absolutely not right. At the same time there is some reassurance in knowing these experiences may not be too unusual. It also makes me think about how we live in a society with high levels of loneliness and ties that can be quite easily broken even after a long time. I don't know what the answer is but much solidarity to all! 💐

I think sometimes people who have a lot of friends in different scenes just see you as 'a friend' whereas for you they are your 'only close friends' and hence they mean more to you than you do to them. It's hard OP- I've been there .

I have lots of different circles of friends, not once have I ever left anyone out or made them feel irrelevant.