Husband said angrily, I dressed like a whore.

[Emmz35]

I could really use some advice on how to handle a situation with my husband.

Last night, my husband told me he wanted to take me out for dinner, which I was really excited about. I've been feeling a bit down lately, so I was looking forward to this. I chose an outfit I thought he'd like – a sleeveless blazer with trousers and a corset top underneath. It was a classy look, and while the corset peeked out a little, I felt it was elegant and not too revealing.

When my husband saw me, he didn’t say anything at first, which made me self-conscious, so I asked him what he thought. He eventually said the outfit was “inappropriate” and, after some back and forth, raised his voice and said 'you are dressed like a whore” during an argument. This really hurt me. I’ve worn sexier outfits around him before without issue. He’s also made comments in the past about not wanting me to wear certain things because he doesn’t want other men looking at me. His reaction was harsh.

I feel embarrassed and deeply hurt by his words, especially since I’ve been struggling emotionally recently. He knows how I like to dress and how much I love him, and I never thought my outfit would trigger this kind of response. He’s generally a loving, caring husband who wants to make me happy, but this situation has left me feeling insecure and confused.

How do I approach this? I know he’ll apologize, but how do I move forward when I want to express myself through my clothing without worrying about him feeling disrespected? I don’t think I was in the wrong, but I also don’t want this to keep happening. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Below is a picture off of Google to show an image similar to what I was wearing. The colouring in black is to show what was covered, just a peep of my corset and I have smaller boob's so there was no cleavage and the corset was much higher then this females corset top so less chest was on show.

He was very wide eyes, stating that 'you dress respectable around family, why can't you respect your husband'. He isn't a religious person and he knows how I dress when he met me. He is okay when it suits him going to different places when I wear something much more revealing then this.

Why does his mind go immediately to "whore" when he sees you looking nice/attractive, putting effort into what you're going to wear for a special occasion, and perhaps trying to look a little more "sexy" for a date than you typically look all day every day and showing a fraction more bare skin than you do on a day to day basis?

He has no right to say anything about how you wish to dress.
However, I wouldn't - perhaps with a silk shirt over the corset top to give a hint.

Bloody hell, yet another drip feed of controlling bastard

Your choices are to leave, manage him for the rest of your life or ignore him.
Obviously the first is the best option, the last is not great. Unfortunately people tend to default to the middle option, and so wear things they know their partner won't have a problem with and adapt their behaviour to how they think their partners wants it. Only to find down the line that no amount of pacifying is going to magically cure his insecurity issues.
I'm surprised you claim you were dressing for him though, as a basque top is exactly the sort of attire that would make an insecure twunt say something, and you said he's commented on any clothes he deems as too alluring before. He even controls what you wear to go out with friends, so you are already moderating your behaviour.
Own it, dress for yourself, and if you want to follow the fashion for showing whatever, because you like it, then do and don't bother looking to him for affirmation. He's probably got you feeling insecure about how you look, which in turn makes you cross-check his opinion. Resist the urge, say nothing, don't ask for his thoughts no matter where you are going. He is aiming to train you to how he wants. Well, he needs to learn that that isn't going to happen, so do your own sweet thing and ignore anything he has to say on the matter. Either he will realise that he can't control you and give up, or he might ramp other demands up and then you might see him for what he is - controlling and verbally abusive.

I posted earlier OP and you said that you could talk to anyone without him throwing a strop.

But as I read the updates on thread, I don't think you can. He may not throw a strop at the time but he asks you about what guy spoke to you etc so he can 'rescue you' translated as throw his masculinity about and glare at the guy to make sure the territory is clearly defined and that approaching her again mate is off, she's got a mate.

He's like a fucking animal. As though you are a possession.

I'm NOT SUGGESTING the following, but just to show you how unreasonable he is.... what would he do if you told him "not to wear those jeans as they are too tight round your thighs and other woman may stare or talk to you and if anyone does you immediately have to come over and tell me who it was and what they said".

He'd be all WTAF.
Because nobody does that to their husband.
And I bet he wouldn't get changed as you requested either.
He'd tell you you're wrong and he is indeed wearing them out don't be stupid he can wear what he wants.

I'm not suggesting you do this above, but when you read it back does it help to see how ridiculous he is?! You can't tell someone to be less sexy. Unless of course you're going to a REALLY exclusive, posh place where you really have to dress to impress.

And the other thing nobody else has touched on yet I don't think,....he thinks if you wear anything he considers 'sexy' so to speak that guys will be eyeing you up and making a move and thinking about your sexy shape underneath your clothes etc....That's because that's what HE is doing to other women.

He sounds like a little man that's got a semi every time a sexy woman walks past, hates himself for feeling that way but can't stop because at the same time he likes it. He's stuck in a loop. Thinks all men are the same. And also unable to control themselves.

So the guy you're so devoted to sees you like the other women he is currently eyeing up when you're not looking Who are dressed like whores apparently. How does he know what whores wear lol?

You haven't done anything wrong but he's ogling other women.
That in itself is enough for me. I'd be off.

Oh and some of the prostitutes up the town dress better than me (there was a well known area they used to ply their trade, my friend knew one lady so we occasionally talked to them if she was about on our way to the pub). Wallis beige trenchcoat, nice leather boots etc. not faux leather. Don't know if that particular lady charged more or tried to attract a wealthier client or something but she looked great.

This was years ago. But it stuck with me that not every working girl looks like we are told they 'should' look. Although some of the girls do have the short skirt and revealing top look.

The whole thing sounds very much like he's your Dad not an equal partner.
You wore something you thought 'he would like'
He said he 'wanted to take you to dinner'. What is it the 1950's...

Do you ever jump up and say 'I want to take you to dinner'?
Notice if you are bring taken to dinner when it's his turn to cook.

Do you ever comment on his clothes? Do you say you look like a cowboy in that fucking horrible check shirt, you absolute clown, I'm not going out with you in that, people will laugh at you and think you are a dick'.

The relationship sounds very unequal in the roles.
It sounds likes he thinks he owns you.

Not a full grown mature adult woman.

Why comment on the clothes. It's not about the clothes and no-one gives a shiny shit whether you'd wear it because it's not the point of the thread.

OP this man is abusive. My ex-husband was like this too only he would use the words
" Unflattering ". He wanted me to dress like a 50's housewife more and more. I mean I love vintage clothes but increasingly it became about making me feel insecure and keeping me feeling small. It was very manipulative.

When I started dating again it was nice to wear what I wanted and meet people who liked that I was confident and felt sexy.

That was one of many issues, and honestly I didn't even realize it was an issue until we split up. I'd casually mention it to friends and they'd be horrified.

I love fashion, worked as a model and had anorexia when we met at 21. I was hospitalized often early on in our relationship. Maybe he preferred me that way.

What's the difference between a silk shirt and a blazer? Either way the same amount was showing. Not to mention her styling of it was fantastic. She has fabulous fashion sense.

More importantly the man said she was dressed like whore! The clothes don't even matter.

I am at a loss to how you are still standing. You have been dealt a dreadful hand. I hope things turn around for you and soon. x

Thank you januaryjan.
I don’t know either if I’m being honest . Feel absolutely broken inside . Been to see my oncologist today and they’ve found a suspicious mole so got to go back next week for more tests etc .

You asked him his opinion and he gave it. He also didn't call you a whore. You don't have to live by his opnion, you're a grown woman. Mountain and molehill.

At times like this all you can do is try to get out of bed each day and throw one foot in front of the other and try to keep going. You've got this far so there is no question that you are made of strong stuff.

Sometimes really crappy things happen to really good people. It's unfair but you'll get through this. x

That’s what I’m trying to do . Keep saying to myself just get through the next hour then the next etc . Just had a really rubbish day and feel very tearful . Ex has been an arse and his mum . Just feel like I’m the only one fighting my corner . Ex is trying to turn everyone against me even my children . He even rings my parents and feigns concern saying he’s worried about me but then telling me he hopes I die from the cancer and to kill myself but it’s my word against his I suppose

Op you're very quiet, I hope you read my reply to your post.
I could write about your entire relationship with him.
After I posted I noticed tlyou had wrote a post saying you don't tell him about men approaching you or talking to you. Like you, so did I, I stopped telling him incase he thought I was trying to annoy him and also to stop the silent treatment I'd gey and then the accusations. So instead I didn't tell him and you know what happened then, I was called a liar, I was untrustworthy and if I could lie about small things of greeting or saying hello to another male then I was hiding more. If I didn't want to have sex he guilt tripped me, made me feel like an abuser by telling me I was using sex as a weapon by withholding it. I used to give in just to save an argument. He actually told me when he left me that it was my own doing that he walked out and found someone else because I might not have cheated but in his head I was because I didn't disclose if I said hello or acknowledged another male so he couldn't trust me. And because over a long period of time that's what we fell out about because as he says "I couldn't respect my partner and stay away from other men" (yet I've never cheated, thought of cheating or liked another man in my entire life with him) I felt uncomfortable telling him about certain parts of my day because I KNEW the reactions it would set off and how I'd feel or what he'd say. I felt like shit because I knew I should be able to just tell him because it was all down right innocent hello how are you..... nothing more! So when My ex walked out he left me with the stinger that I was to blame for our family breaking up, I was to blame for him finding someone else, I was to blame for all his emotions and how it killed him to leave because it wasn't that he wanted to break up he just wanted me to learn my lesson basically.
It's all left me very messed up.
I'm pretty sure my story sounds vaguely similar to yours. It may be different but I bet it all boils down to the same behaviour by our partners!

Please don't end up like me doubting if your own perception on the relationship is wrong and are you the problem are you to blame. Its destroyed my mental health, I second guess everything. I should actually thankyou because reading you're thread made me take notice to how similar your post resonates with something like this that's happened to me, which I second guessed and judged myself on and believed I was in the wrong and he was right. Self gaslit myself. And then I read this post and felt like you literally wrote something from my own life and it hits different when u read it from a stranger and you can see ot for what it is for them but couldn't see it in my own position. So thankyou for showing me how really wrong this is. Its toxic and its manipulaton and its controlling behaviour and your partner and your relationship sounds just like my ex and my life. He was also really good, I'd have said we were an unbelievable couple at times I still do but they were during the good moments. I certainly didn't feel good about myself or him or my relationship when he was insulting me, or belittling me,or accusing me or not speaking to me for days instead abd the atmosphere it created abd how shit I felt and then like magic we'd dust it under the carpet until months down the line I'd wear something he didn't like, speak to someone or hide I spoke to someone, I was too friendly ith other men and a cunt to him. It was a roller coaster when it was good we were fantastic, when we were bad it was awful and I lost myself and when he left, he left me lost even more. Don't end up like I did! Please take this from someone who knows the internal damage it does

A long waistcoat ?

What are you talking about?? The OP clearly said he called her a whore. That is NOT a molehill it’s seriously gross. Especially as it’s not the first time either. You’re dead wrong on this one.

OP if he is unwilling to seek counselling for his low self esteem/insecurities you must consider living your life away from him. You cannot dumb yourself down any further to please him - and it's not even working! He called you a whore. It's unbelievable really. My ex would accuse me of being a lesbian if I dressed up to go out with girlfriends! Their insecurities know no bounds. Leave.

since then he has requested for me to inform him when men approach me.

This is seriously disturbing. OP, you also say he has called you a whore more than once. None of this behaviour is normal or reasonable. He has already expressed contempt for you and tries to control you. Believe me, he will only get worse. He is not yet violent, but abusers often start with insults and controlling behaviour.

Please stop making excuses for him and saying he is good in other ways. The only good thing is that you have no children, so you can escape before he gets worse.

@notatinydancer notatinydancer · Yesterday 11:05

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 06/10/2024 16:16
sorry but what is a sleeveless blazer???

A long waistcoat ?

Why not say a long waistcoat then? I'm also v. confused about what a sleeveless blazer is exactly. It sounds a bit made up - like Friends and the Apartment Pants. Maybe a boxy top with shoulder pads?

You're can't picture a blazer without sleeves? It's pretty self explanatory and Google would fix this for you.

Caring and loving husbands who want to make their wives happy don’t call them whores, like not ever not even one time. It’s deeply misogynistic and clearly illustrates how he feels about women.

I would deal with it by no longer being in a relationship with such a man - I do appreciate that it isn’t always so easy but I couldn’t accept this type of man or being called names.

Thats because you’re an abusive man who probably has a long history with domestic violence.

If you’re so keen on women showing you respect through their clothing choices, a blow up doll would probably suit you better than an autonomous human being. It’s not 1950.

You should be able to enjoy your lovely figure while you still have one. Im 64 and regret the years I let my first husband constantly put me down and make me wear dowdy clothing.
Ditch him and enjoy your life.