Husband said angrily, I dressed like a whore.

[Emmz35]

I could really use some advice on how to handle a situation with my husband.

Last night, my husband told me he wanted to take me out for dinner, which I was really excited about. I've been feeling a bit down lately, so I was looking forward to this. I chose an outfit I thought he'd like – a sleeveless blazer with trousers and a corset top underneath. It was a classy look, and while the corset peeked out a little, I felt it was elegant and not too revealing.

When my husband saw me, he didn’t say anything at first, which made me self-conscious, so I asked him what he thought. He eventually said the outfit was “inappropriate” and, after some back and forth, raised his voice and said 'you are dressed like a whore” during an argument. This really hurt me. I’ve worn sexier outfits around him before without issue. He’s also made comments in the past about not wanting me to wear certain things because he doesn’t want other men looking at me. His reaction was harsh.

I feel embarrassed and deeply hurt by his words, especially since I’ve been struggling emotionally recently. He knows how I like to dress and how much I love him, and I never thought my outfit would trigger this kind of response. He’s generally a loving, caring husband who wants to make me happy, but this situation has left me feeling insecure and confused.

How do I approach this? I know he’ll apologize, but how do I move forward when I want to express myself through my clothing without worrying about him feeling disrespected? I don’t think I was in the wrong, but I also don’t want this to keep happening. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Below is a picture off of Google to show an image similar to what I was wearing. The colouring in black is to show what was covered, just a peep of my corset and I have smaller boob's so there was no cleavage and the corset was much higher then this females corset top so less chest was on show.

He was very wide eyes, stating that 'you dress respectable around family, why can't you respect your husband'. He isn't a religious person and he knows how I dress when he met me. He is okay when it suits him going to different places when I wear something much more revealing then this.

In 17 years on MN, I've used the LTB thing rarely. I would ALWAYS say LTB in this situation.

For an adult to try to control what another adult wears, and calling them abusive names to get their way and belittle the other person, leave leave leave.

This kind of toxic issue does not exist in a vacuum.

I have told him, if he worries so much, he shouldn't have gotten with me, chosen to be with me knowing I look the way I look. Now we have come so far in, married, families are close, living together. Its hard to just leave the home that I live in.

🚩 @Emmz35 He is judging you on his own securities. You are never too far in but you may need help to realise that there are ways that you can move on, don't allow him to crush your confidence. Speak to someone outside of your marriage, a friend, a family member, a professional.

So there have been several instances of him calling you specifically a whore, talking about dressing respectably in front of family and worrying about other men looking at you. Your outfit sounded quite smart to me for evening, corset top, trousers and jacket (obv you can wear anything you want but it wasn't badly expressed discomfort at you being sexually extreme in your style out of nowhere).

Hm.

Does he call you any other names or comment on anything else?

I feel as though he has some insecurities or very conservative values that he hasn't been open with you about or addressed himself (latter). I think he needs to start talking, seriously, probably with a relationship therapist, or consider leaving. If he refuses to engage then I'd be out. His attitude and names aren't ok

I was going to say, I'd have told him to fuck right off and shove his dinner up his arse, and then firmly tell him that you will never be spoken to like that again.

Then I read this post. He is actually controlling what you wear?!! There's no coming back from that one. He doesn't even trust you.

Put it back on him. Ask him how he knows so much about what "whores" wear, and whether he has an irresistable urge to grope women he considers to be scantily clad!

This is dealbreaking. He is only going to get worse. How long before he starts forbidding you to go out with your friends at all?

Why do you even tell him if other men approach you?!!

What they don't realise is, their relationship is 'great' 90% of the time because they work so hard to not upset these men - the 10% is when they've disobeyed/displeased them in some way.

The 'greatness' of the relationship directly correlates with the compliance of the woman.

I cannot wear certain things with my friends unless I am with him

Look at what you have written. Please understand that this is NOT love. It is NOT what a caring, equal relationship looks like. It sounds awful.

Leave him. There's a better life for you out there.

I think this absolutely nails it.

You're going to have to brave OP.

Nothing wrong with what you were wearing. I hate that term, it's very derogatory to women and very insulting.
He sounds controlling, the red flag being he wants you to dress a certain way as to not attract any unwanted attention, to please his paranoid arse. Why must you dress to please him?

I do hope you've made it clear to him that he is a controlling arsehole and you'll continue to wear whatever you bloody well please, OP!

His move is straight out of the shit man handbook. It is designed to make you question yourself, knock your confidence and make you more likely to turn to him for 'advice' on your choices going forward.

Fuck THAT!!

You are a whole person, not just his wife, and his bitchy, pernicious, actually abusive commentary is neither desired nor required.

How dare he. He sounds horrible.

In fact, if I heard him calling any woman a whore I'd be really unsettled by it! The one man I've known to use that word turned out to be a rapist (to no one's surprise!)

Exactly this. So many posters are missing the point and debating whether or not the outfit was or wasn't revealing. Outside of "Tis Pity She's a Whore" I am certain I've never heard it being used.

I don't tell him at all when other men approach me now. In the past he had heard men talking to me on the street whilst we were on the phone. I will maybe say this to him.

When we had discussed this before he states that he has never been with a women like me he has never has these worries, he also stated that he has been cheated on the past and does have insecurities.
It upsets me more because we have had discussions and he still chose to behave this way last night.

I think it's a nice outfit choice. He's probably annoyed about something else and directing his anger at this. It is unacceptable. I hope you're okay.

I know it’s hard to hear but it’s abuse. He is coercively controlling what you wear , before we even start on the disgusting way he talks to and about you. It won’t get better, it is likely to get worse.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme please, it’s so helpful even online.

All abusers are nice/lovely some or all of the time otherwise we wouldn’t be with them in the first place.

You can never "make" anyone feel secure and a man who doesn't trust you around other men will NEVER trust you. I've been there. It doesn't matter what you do, say or wear or how much you reassure him, he will never ever change. Leave.

This.
Nothing loving or caring, just a little controlling twat with unresolved issues.
Does he have a "short fuse", too, out of interest?

He seems to think you're his property. That's worrying.

So He thinks you should respect someone that calls you a whore?

He honestly thinks that? I would definitely be making him own that statement, and once he owns it, he would have to have a discussion about what impact he thinks that might have on a marriage?
How does he feel about other people knowing that’s how he speaks to his wife, or does he expect you to keep his vile behaviour as his grubby secret?

Who the fuck does he think he is? I would start to put things in position that you can leave him. In my opinion he should get in the bin.

It looks OK in the picture. Whether it was appropriate or not depends on the venue. Whatever, he shouldn't have called you a whore though it does sound as though he was wound up.

This is his last insecurities. He knows you look great and is jealous.

Is he projecting ? Maybe he looks at other women so knows you will get attention.
one rule for him and another for you .

Makes you feel crapto make himself feel better .

You deserve hetter and you are not his emotional punch bag.

He needs to know if it happens again you will leave and you need to mean it .

wtaf?

Time for a divorce.

Calling you names even once is not okay. What a judgemental arse. Get rid of him.

Sometimes I really wonder about the state of people's reading comprehension.

So he's one of those men who think it's up to women to cover up in order to avoid men harassing them. That women are 'asking for it' if they're wearing clothes he doesn't approve of? He sounds gross.

It is irrelevant what you were wearing, he should not have said that. He has every right to sit down and discuss why he feels uncomfortable with something as that will help both you and him understand where this is coming from.

May I suggest if he ever says anything like that again you could reply ‘And you’re behaving like a domineering misogynist.’