Has anyones relationship ended because of a SC?

[swimminginthelagoon]

I’ve seen messages on here before but unable to find them now.

I can’t go into the details as too outting, but would be grateful if anyone on here could reply who has had their relationship ruined by a stepchild / partners child and it’s broken up either by you walking away or by your DH/DP walking away? Interested in stories where children manipulate the father, parentification, toxic ex wives etc. Feel quite lost and it would be good to speak to others who have understanding. Thanks.

Bump. Hoping someone can share a story or PM. I’m not a journalist. Just struggling with the end of a relationship.

Only your and/or your partner are responsible for the end of the relationship.

Plenty of relationships end because of step kids. I've seen it a lot on here.

Because the adults haven’t handled the blending properly, or because the parent doesn’t parent properly, or because the new partner has no interest in the kids and they act out because of it. You see that loads on here I agree!

I have recently entered a relationship with a widower of 6years.We are both older,he has adult children,all married with children of their own.
Unfortunately,one of his daughters is now acting as a surrogate wife in that she is totally enmeshed in every detail of his life and has vetoed any relationships he has attempted.I know this because I know her well.
As a result,I will not allow him to tell anyone,which means we can't go anywhere in public together.This is obviously not fulfilling,for me anyway, but I can't face the absolute vitriol I know would happen if she found out.
Probably not the same as someone with younger children,but still a problem even at our age.
I do not want to marry again so would have no inheritance issues,I'm financially independent,but not sure that is her reason anyway.
Sending love and solidarity to you.All I can suggest is try to be philosophical about it,the pain will heal and you will go on stronger than ever!

Thank you @Kastri, i really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I can understand why you haven’t wanted to come out in the open and wish you the very best of luck navigating the waters. I truly hope you don’t get caught in any crossfire and are able to have a happy and fulfilling relationship. The ending for me is made up of a multitude of reasons, it would be outing to say what specifically but the SC has had a very definite role in manipulating the father. He is too blinded to see it, too blinded to see the flaws in his ‘parenting’ and immature for his age. I am struggling to move on, the pain is very real and despite the struggles we had, I miss him very much. It was wonderful outside of his kids, but they are an important part of his life and it was too hard to separate. I just wish things had been handled differently, and his past relationship didn’t involve someone so toxic who has had a profound impact on his children.

Yeah this completely.

I walked away from a six year relationship, taking our 2yo with me.

This was partly down to the disgusting behaviour of ex's two daughters then aged 25 and 22. Ex chose to ignore a concerted campaign of extraordinary spite and dangerous aggression.

In the end I could not allow my child to grow up in such a dysfunctional household. Ds & I moved to a temporary flat, I found a new job and a lovely child minder. After a year I bought us a house where we have lived since (13 years).

in the end, you have to act for the long term well being of yourself and your child. If your partner will not provide a safe and calm home environment in which you can flourish, then you need to be elsewhere.

Name change for this.

Yes I've left a relationship because of his children. There were other reasons with him too but mainly his children.

No children together and didn't live together.

His daughter had lots of nits and my ex denied this even though I could clearly see huge ones crawling on her hair. I understand this is an ex problem and not his daughter.

His son grabbed a knife from the kitchen and threw it to the floor. My ex laughed. They were primary aged children. Both were violent to each other. My ex wouldn't even sort incidents out. No punishments at all, he just laughed it all off.

I couldn't allow this behaviour around my children.

I left and went to social services about all of it.

Thankfully my children did not witness the knife incident.

Thankfully they ended up moving out the area so I never had to see them when I left.

I know how you feel,I can't see mine continuing either.
Just wanted to offer you support and let you know you are not alone.I think it's more common than we think,even with adults sadly.

Children don’t ruin adult relationships.

Their needs or circumstances might mean that their parents shouldn’t be entertaining new relationships, but it’s not the children’s fault.

No but I came close. His teenage daughter was constantly competing with me to be the woman of the house in a very unnerving way. She is now an adult, a narcissist and I have nothing to do with her thankfully

I think step-parent/step-child relationships almost never work. Step parents I've known have been overly critical and nit-picking.

I can't really speak from a couple that got together when their children were adults.

The difficulty is that the step-parent is an interloper in the family, but they almost always manage to turn it so that the children become the outsiders. I think it can work when the adults acknowledge this and maintain some separation in the roles and relationships.

With all respect children can and do ruin relationships. Some are brought up in toxic households, learning toxic behaviours and sometimes the father (who only sees them EOW) is too blinded to see it. Or he doesn’t want the stress of fighting something he isn’t equipped for so allows behaviours to go unchecked. If this starts young and is allowed to develop, you can end up with situations as people are posting here. Unhealthy dynamics, unhealthy boundaries and that makes it very difficult for relationships to flourish as the father will prioritise the child, whether they are 13 or 30.
There are other things like parentification and mini wife syndrome that play a part in this too. If the father isn’t interested in psychology, understanding relationships and won’t seek counselling (as my ex wouldnt) then the end result can be devastating.

This is similar to me but we weren’t living together, though we were discussing it. There was rivalry that went unnoticed and she is very manipulative, learned from her mum, that he was unable to see. I had nothing to do with her in the end, but not by choice, and it’s that which finished the relationship.

Which is about making sure you blend well in the first place. It’s such a hard field to navigate and I don’t feel it’s talked about much. Or maybe I just haven’t come across it until recently.

I feel for you and your boyfriend. It’s such a shame he can’t deal with his adult daughter and put down the boundaries that need to be set. It makes me feel alarmed for the future. I had hoped I had been unlucky.

In the situations you're talking about it's not the child who ruins the relationship it's the parenting the child received - ergo it's the adults who ruined it not the children.

I disagree that it's all down to the parents and not the children. Some children are complete asshats - step or bio. Lots of relationships breakdown because of problems with bio children, goes hand in hand that it will be the same or more with step.

And it's not just about the "kids" I've witnessed "kids" of age 30+ hellbent on destroying their parents relationship. That's not parenting, that's just downright selfish behaviour.

I agree with @Hoplolly

My mums life was made a misery by her DH’s (then teenage) stepson. I was a little older. He asked for my assistance in splitting them up which I refused. His wish was for his parents to get back together. He had never got over his parents break up - his mum was on her third marriage by then. Original marriage ended due to her affairs.

My mum stayed married but was miserable for 35 years due to the constant venom. Stepfather was abused too.

That's his fault. He chose to see them eow, he chose to take the "easy road" to avoid stress, he chose not to put in boundaries, he chose nor to do anything about his emotional immaturity. (Why do blokes get this get out clause of being immature? Women apparently don't even when they're a child.)

Obviously you feel how you feel, but he was the adult here.

An ex partner of mine was a full time single dad to two young children with special needs. It was really difficult, a huge mix of emotions. He did his best with them, and I really did try and find where my role was, but in the end, it was just too stressful for me to manage. The kids were the number one priority, which I expected and accepted. But holding back my judgement on some of his parenting bulit resentment. You want to be supportive, and some of that is about pointing things out, suggesting different angles, but trying yo deliver that with sensitivity is truly energy draining. And most times it did become a driving wedge. It was really difficult to truly love someone else's children, and I struggled with that massively. I just had more objectivity. He was a great partner, it was just too much to cope with and really really difficult to get over that breakup as him and I got on so well.
I am better on the other side of it all now. I really feel for you, OP ❤️

Children are not responsible for their parenting.

The partners in all these stories are responsible for their own behaviours and poor parenting which then leads to the relationship break down.

That’s not psychology - it’s pop psychology at best. Stop reading internet ‘psychology’ and pathologising the children. Work out your issues with your partner, or don’t, without blaming the kids who’re powerless in this situation, don’t get to choose which adults they live with, and may well be displaying maladaptive coping behaviours because it’s the only way they’ve got to assert control over a situation which feels intolerable for reasons they probably don’t understand and certainly can’t change.

Is talking about the children's maladaptive coping mechanisms not psychology? Why mention the psychological element, then tell the OP off for trying to do the same? Baffling. Have you any experience to share, like the OP asked? Have you been in a similar situation with step children?