Has anyones relationship ended because of a SC?

[swimminginthelagoon]

I’ve seen messages on here before but unable to find them now.

I can’t go into the details as too outting, but would be grateful if anyone on here could reply who has had their relationship ruined by a stepchild / partners child and it’s broken up either by you walking away or by your DH/DP walking away? Interested in stories where children manipulate the father, parentification, toxic ex wives etc. Feel quite lost and it would be good to speak to others who have understanding. Thanks.

I think mine is coming to an end. My dp has for years been ultra critical of my parenting, and one of my DC has given me a couple of years of hell (young adult, boundary pushing, being a complete arse hole).

Now his dd has taken a turn in behaviour/attitude, made some huge mistakes leading to ruined holidays, huge financial impact and likely legal proceedings. Almost zero comment from him.

It's not the only thing that has come between us recently but this is the straw that is breaking the camel's back, so to speak.

I will PM you after work if you like op

@swimminginthelagoon if you are hoping to rekindle, it might be better to ask if anyone had a good step-parent and how that relationship worked.

I left a relationship because he had children. Nothing wrong with the children; I realised early on I couldn't be a step parent. My own DCs would always be my first priority and that can't fit with responsibility for three other children.

My DCs have a lovely stepmother. She really did love my DCs like her own and was very supportive of me. (No other DCs). Although she and ex have now split, she has maintained that relationship putting in more effort than their dad has.

(I should confess that she was the OW and in the early months I would have run her over if I'd seen her in the street. I'm ashamed of that irrational anger and antagonism I had towards her then.)

Yes very very true. Well summed up. There is an issue which I can’t share as it will out me, one I take responsibility for which has contributed to the downfall of the relationship. But everything else you’ve just summarised is, yes, down to him as an adult making a choice. It’s just hard when the blame has been sent entirely my way, I’ve not had the closure I needed and I’m finding this part very very hard.

One if the reasons I split from my ex was his ex wife and child.

The ex wife kept telling the child it was my fault she and the child's father split up.

It wasn't. They had already split up (which I know from him showing he messages saying just that, so he's not lying). But I got the blame. And the child had to watch his mother be upset over being left. So it's easy to understand why he hated me.

The child (early teens) never wanted to hear my name, couldn't speak about me with their father, didnt want to ever meet me, anything that was said was reported back eg dad and that woman are going on holiday. That was twisted by the ex into why are you paying for her to go on holiday with you when you should be giving her any spare money. (At the time he was giving her £1500 a month plus buying clothes and shoes etc for dc, he earned under £40k so he was being very generous, plus I paid for my half of the holiday and my own spending money myself as I wouldn't deprive his child).

So eventually after nearly two years I gave up feeling like I would never be allowed to get close to his child.

If this were the case, we'd have frequent posts about families splitting up because of their asshat joint children. But we don't.

I completely agree with this , i have a stepdaughter so understand a lot of the experiences and comments on here.
I do think that unless you have been in or are in this situation you haven't got the foggiest idea of how the dynamics of these kind of relationships work.
I hope my kids don't have to experience it in their adult relationships as life is easier without .

I came close to leaving dp

It was a combination of him just wanting a quiet life and letting things slide,her being a spoilt,nasty and manipulative brat,the ex wife (who is a psychopath-I don't say that lightly about anyone) and my narc family screaming from the sidelines (who I'm nc with and was at the time-she knew this and went screaming to them about how unreasonable i was)

I could have handled things better,I know this,but that's with the benefit of hindsight

In the thick of it,I was drowning,I was being gaslighted and it was never going to work

I was a few days away from leaving-we ended up at relate and a few scales fell from his eyes

I did deal wrongly with a few bits (I admit I'm not perfect) but I will be proud to my dying day that I stated my boundaries and stuck to them (partly from reading mumsnet-10 years earlier I would have rolled over)

Changed name for this

Very nearly but I clung on for dear life.

My SS lives with us and we have a fantastic relationship. My SD came to live with us aged 13. Made my life absolute hell for 2 years. Her mam left her again for another man and there was no choice for her to move in.

We had had a decent relationship to begin with, she was 8 at the time, used to take her out, sit and do hair and facemasks, etc.

Then her mother started slagging me off and mocking me and taking the piss out of me - she had never met me at the time but she was a very troubled jealous ex - still is and we are 12 years on, shes pathetic, i tried to be nice to her but was always thrown back in my face. One time i had gone out shopping and bought the daughter some nice PJs and dressing gown and slippers and we were showing SD on a facetime call and all you could here in the background was why's she bought her that, shes got a dressing gown, why is she buying her clothes - I had bought them to stay at ours.

The behaviour rubbed off on the daughter and she slowly started to be nasty to me. Would ignore me if her dad wasn't there. She would take pictures of me without knowing and put them on snapchat. She helped herself to anything of mine she wanted and when I say she went through my stuff, she literally went through every cupboard, every drawer, under the bed, my handbags. I started taking my bag to bed with me whenever she was in the house. She took a brand new expensive leather jacket and all i got from the mother was I was being pathetic. The mother treat the daughter like a flat mate not a daughter and gave her no parenting whatsoever.

When she lived with us she would not go to school, she would lie to her dad she was ill or had her period, ended up in a delinquent school and it got worse. Sneaking out at 3-4 in the morning, we had to lock all the doors and windows, she broke the lock on the front door trying to pick it and tried to take the back door off the hinges, she would disappear for days on end. Sexually active at a very young age but has seen her mother be very promiscuous all of her life, so much drama too.

DH didn't know what to do for the best but because her mam had left her and abandoned her he would always take her side. I had to find inventive ways of stopping her. I bought lockable jewellery boxes, lockable make up hair storage boxes etc. He didn't deal with it how I thought he should and let a lot slide which caused a lot of arguments and I was so close to leaving so many times. She would always come back with why would I lie to you dad, I have no reason to lie - and he believed her!

Her mum came back after 2 years and she moved back in with her. The mother has been round my house a few times drunk and tried to have a go at me. I even let her stay one night when her then boyfriend attacked her and she had nowhere to go with SD and she had the cheek to steal from me.

Thankfully the storm passed. We don't have anything to do with SD now as she went on to have children and had them taken off her which we are currently trying to sort out, going through assessments etc.

The mother still messages my OH as she thinks as she is the mother of his children she has some sort of relationship with him, even though they are now 25 and 20. He ignores her as she is normally drunk.

If you enter a relationship with a parent their child will always come before you, and rightly so. It's hard to sustain a relationship in those years particularly if you're not also a parent (and thereby also focusing most of your attention elsewhere, and rightly).

You don't say if you have children, but if you don't I think maybe date solely those who are childfree or who only have adult children

Yes, this

Has he not apologised to you? Presumably he's finally realised that he hadn't reached the hardest bit yet?

That poor girl. Does she have anyone else looking out for her? Why has her dad abandoned her back to an abusive mother? If she's only 15 has anyone tipped off social services about her mother'sderinking and child's promiscuity?

She is now 20, SS where heavily involved from the age of about 6 and still are, now with her 2 children who we are going through assessments to care for them. We tried to stop her going back to her mothers, she had made really good progress with us in the end, but she wanted to be with her mum and she went back a few weeks before she was 15 and it was all downhill from there. We have tried to help her so many times but she is stubborn and she will do it her way, right or wrong, now she has lost her children and wont do anything to put it right, has made no attempt to change her current situation to fight for them

Almost but I did everything I could to save it. She put us through hell and she is an adult. Lies and stealing and disgusting behaviour in our house.

I used to hide all mine and my daughter's toiletries every other weekend, leave my handbag locked in the boot of my car and even then she found ways to steal and lie.
What she did next is too outing but there is no contact and she instigated that after she got caught doing stuff she shouldn't be. At that point I could've walked away and easily so, but she'd walked so I stayed.

If she comes back and wants to see her dad again who knows, him seeing her is absolutely fine but I don't want too he'd never see her on the street so I think I'd walk if she needed to live with us or be in house for any reason as I don't want anything to do with her ever again after what she's done. All very sad.

I think it depends on the age of the SC... my own experience is that the adult SC were making our life a living misery.

BUT at the end of the day, their behaviour is a by product of their parents parenting skills or lack of, if that makes any sense?

Sadly, because my SC are adults, there is nothing i can do to change things because the issues are too deep rooted.. my only regret is i didn't or wouldn't allow myself to see the issues sooner.

If it’s not working/feeling hard when you’re not living together it’s only going to intensity and and get worse if you move in.

don’t do it.

It's really sad to hear of all these traumatised children (and this trauma continuing into adulthood). Surely the parents must take some of this responsibility? Or maybe think twice before leaping into another relationship?

Yep!

My friends did, however, the dad was able to see things from her point of view and after 6 months or so they got back together with boundaries for everyone.

This too

Do people really fall the 'toxic ex wife' trope? Still? It's such a red flag for me.

@StormingNorman @fedupoftheheatnow

Other people can and do involve themselves in relationships between others. Leaving the couple with no choice, sometimes making decisions they wouldn't have done other wise.

Tho yes, ultimately the couple can choose to proceed together with new boundaries or if they don't see eye to eye, call it a day.

And why is any poor behaviour in these threads always “learned from the mother” and the father is never held to account for the usually shitty attempt he’s made at parenting over the years?