Has anyones relationship ended because of a SC?

[swimminginthelagoon]

I’ve seen messages on here before but unable to find them now.

I can’t go into the details as too outting, but would be grateful if anyone on here could reply who has had their relationship ruined by a stepchild / partners child and it’s broken up either by you walking away or by your DH/DP walking away? Interested in stories where children manipulate the father, parentification, toxic ex wives etc. Feel quite lost and it would be good to speak to others who have understanding. Thanks.

This is my point exactly. It is not ok to say that just because they are a teen, we have to accept it. There will be glee when a partner has been driven off. Teens are immature young adults with high emotions, and if their actions are never dealt with they think it’s ok to behave that way. They then continue, the cycle continues and the teen grows into an adult. I think it becomes even worse then as they become untouchable.

And who's responsible for all that?

Their parents!

So again...

It's down to the parents!

So why didn't your stepfather deal with it?

And this is the fascinating part of it all. I wonder where the adult woman was something similar to the teen from a previous relationship. If you tried to describe the enmeshed relationship on here, you would have people trying to tell you you were jealous and so on. Excusing it. It’s about healthy boundaries and healthy relationships. So hard to do so when a child, no matter what age has had a hard start in life with toxicity, abuse and so on. But I still don’t believe in a Disney dad. I still believe the father should be strong and able to set good boundaries. Therefore no matter what crops up in life, as things will always crop up within a blended family, it’s a natural part of the process, so you dont get kids who think they are an equal to a parent getting in the mix. Kids should be kids. They don’t need to be involved in raising their siblings, discipling them, being treated as an equal. They are children. Children need boundaries.
If these are not strong and set in stone them further problems develop in life.

but she’s now an adult…
you can’t excuse shit parenting for her shit behaviour as an adult. She’s been allowed to get away with things and develop because of a lack of boundaries and consequences. She’s never had to learn it was wrong and has grown used to getting what she wants. So why would she stop as an adult.

No. If the teen is behaving like that it is for their parents to deal with, set boundaries and not accept the behaviour.

What method/s they use for that is up to them but the teen won't just stop on their own because they are reacting to the situation

You've just contradicted yourself there...

She’s never had to learn it was wrong and has grown used to getting what she wants. So why would she stop as an adult.

I must have misread the post as I thought the poster was saying ‘if we just say it’s bad parenting, we are accepting the (wrongful behaviour)’
Totally agree with you, parents do need to set strong boundaries and not accept the behaviour. Teens have to be pulled in as they won’t stop on their own accord, especially when headstrong.

Not sure where I have contradicted myself as I was referring to another post. I may not have posted correctly and referred to it, but I wasn’t speaking from a personal experience. Children who don’t learn, often grow into unpleasant adults, who go on to have their own children and the cycle can continue - unless they are self aware and/or go into therapy.
A brief example but a friend experienced parentification when a child, by 17 she decided she needed therapy and was self aware enough to do the work that was needed and evolved into a healthy adult in her 20’s.

The only reason my relationship has survived is because I didn’t become a ‘stepmother’ to my DP’s children. His DC were late teens when we started dating and they and their mother made it very clear that they didn’t approve of DP moving on from his divorce (long before they met me). I suggested that he only saw his children on his own and here we are many years later as they still don’t approve of me! It’s weird to think that my DP of many years has children who are almost like strangers to me, but it was their choice.

I agree. The batshit crazy jealous ex / my husband is a good dad / gives more cms than he needs to / it was over before we got together etc ... it's almost like "the script" for stepmothers.

@swimminginthelagoon that’s why the relationship had no chance. If I raised the issue of unhealthy enmeshment with my then partner I’d undoubtedly be accused of jealousy and of trying to ruin the relationship between him and his daughter. He’d tell her and she’d turn him against me. I’d end up being the bad guy’.

In my experience DH didn’t say a word, she showed the toxicity herself by the words and actions.
No script just the real lived experience.

I suspect this is very similar to my circumstances

Because he wasn’t a psychiatrist trying to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
Because he didn’t want to go non contact with his child
Because he is a human with the human mixture of good and not so good.

Because maybe you are the son’s friend and bleat “it’s the parent” so that even as an adult in his forties he felt entitled to abuse the new woman, and you would never say “Actually, step child you’re an adult now and should grow up and accept this.”

It’s funny how many new female partners complain about “emeshment” when the father only does the bare minimum for his kids anyway.
A child desperate for a parent’s attention? Shocker!
Maybe stop picking shitty fathers thinking they will somehow make good partners. The writing is sort of on the wall.

@WillLiveLifeAgain It's like people don't realise we witness the crazy toxicity firsthand! We're not just being fed a story. We're bloody living it every day.

Sometimes the fathers are selfish and lazy but they are also good men. They aren’t necessarily shitty fathers. They may be kind and loyal partners, who are present for their children when they have them, but they may also be emotionally immature and unable to handle emotionally complicated situations which they don’t understand and don’t have the tools to manage the situation as it needs to be managed. This can lead to children gaining more power and control over the father, he may be terrified of losing the children and will do whatever it takes to keep the contact, becoming more and more enmeshed over time. But he is unable to see it. It may make him a weak partner and a weak father, but not necessarily a shitty one.

And unless you’ve lived through something similar first hand, it’s hard to fully understand the manipulation step children can give the father. Yes they may need the attention etc, yes they may have struggled through their parents divorce but is that really a good reason for awful behaviour and ultimatums? I will never accept bad behaviour from my children to others and therefore I don’t accept people excusing children’s bad behaviour just because of their age. Children know if they are doing something wrong, if they are manipulating a situation and choose to do it anyway. They may not fully understand the emotional impact on the adult but they understand they are driving a wedge and want the partner gone. I find it unacceptable and I have children.

Yeah I’ve walked away due to a partners dysfunction family dynamics. I loved them, but not enough to get enmeshed with their family, just didn’t need the hassle.
So I took my leave, life is short and opportunities boundless.

I think too many people make excuses for men.
I agree that any father who contributes towards the cost of raising his child is viewed as a saint.
Or fathers who see their children.
The same people do not bleat on about how great a mother is for actually spending time with her child or buying them a pair of shoes.
Yes there are toxic mothers but far, far more shitty fathers.
Lets also not forget that the step mother may not be the first partner the father has had. Perhaps the children are feeling bitter after having to tolerate previous shitty women their father has brought into their lives.
Or shitty men the mother has introduced them to.

@alwaysmovingforwards how long were you together? How difficult did you find it to move away?and what were the family dynamics?

Yep this is exactly what happened with my ex. Once he met his new partner (no kids of her own) he outsourced childcare to her, because he's a lazy, shit parent who couldn't be bothered to do the work, then wondered why he was dealing with 3 angry teens with opinions he didn't like. His gf had idealistic ideas of parenting which just don't work in the real world because she just doesn't have the experience so my kids rebelled (very mildly - just expressing that they didn't want to do stuff etc - nothing radical) and my exh basically dumped them like the spineless piece of shit he is.

He would say our kids tried to ruin his relationship, and that I'm the crazy annoying ex, but I'm afraid I put the responsibility firmly at his feet.