Has anyones relationship ended because of a SC?

[swimminginthelagoon]

I’ve seen messages on here before but unable to find them now.

I can’t go into the details as too outting, but would be grateful if anyone on here could reply who has had their relationship ruined by a stepchild / partners child and it’s broken up either by you walking away or by your DH/DP walking away? Interested in stories where children manipulate the father, parentification, toxic ex wives etc. Feel quite lost and it would be good to speak to others who have understanding. Thanks.

'Or the very toxic ex who doesn’t parent .
And the man who is the better parent but still can’t get it right for fear of upsetting the kids .'

So, @Imbusytodaysorry

Let's follow your story through. The mother is soooooo toxic. That's a shame. So, as a decent father, he does what all decent parents do, and goes to court for full custody to get his poor children away from their toxic parent.

No? Just continues to do 10% of the parenting, Disney style as one can on 10%, it's easy to be awesome then. And blames the 'toxic' mother, who, let's face it, is knackered by now, for any behavioural problems.

Life experience. I've met 100s of people in my life. I've met one toxic female. I've met about 100 selfish males.

the father will prioritise the child

This is where it’s clear these problems are rooted.

A father should absolutely prioritise his child above a new girlfriend.

Some women seem to actively seek out shitty qualities.
A man who only sees his child one or two days a month? ✅
Will prioritise a new fling over his children? ✅

like what sort of pro list for dating is this?!

Interestingly, there was a thread about this, yesterday, or day before.

Some women do. Probably subconsciously. The conclusion was that they hadn't received what they needed from their own father as children. So set about as an adult to find a replacement father who will put them first above their child. Easy. Just find one that does EOW and you've got a head start in the competition with the child for his affection.

A lot of assumptions there ahy.
how about father has 50/50 the mother is that toxic fought with everything for kids safety .

If you don’t see anlcohol abuse , child neglect and child abuse as toxic then you have serious issue yourself .

The mother isn’t knackered as she doesn’t parent . lol

I won’t bother writing you a list. And the kids don’t have behavioural problems .

The mother is the problem on this one . Sorry to upset you !

I'm in the process of doing this.
There are other reasons with him too but mainly his children.
They've been completely indoctrinated by his ex, who is continuing her abuse of my DP via them. (She had abused him for over a decade - DV confirmed by the police.)
Now the kids are 18 and 15 their personalities have been shaped by this, and this is who they are themselves. They treat DP like a servant, interspersed with abuse. Unfortunately he completely accepts this, and he puts them above me all the time, from the biggest to the smallest things.
Unfortunately it will never end - lifetime spousal support here (no clean break in this country), and lifetime "child" support if they aren't working (one of them has already opted out of all education or anything else and is proudly stating she's going to live off Daddy.....).

I think that’s unfortunately pretty much part and parcel of the end of most relationships — with a partner’s children involved, it’s just multiplying the number of potentially antagonistic /one sided narratives in the ether. Which is hard.

Doesn't mean they don't exist. In fact there's a great many about.

Some of us have lived experience of them.

That's interesting @Imbusytodaysorry . (Just note that clearly I was responding to the many posters on this thread who's partners who do only do 10-% of parenting and blame the mother, not the particular situation you describe which quite clearly I was unaware of)

Anyway. So, youve detailed abuse - alcohol abuse, child abuse and neglect. How did the father not get full custody then? He must have been desperate to get his children away from her. Surely police and social services were involved with this level of abuse?

Honestly you haven’t enough hours for me to note it all .
eldest lives with the father and next week the youngest fait will be decided

Long a short of it there are really toxic manipulative women too. Kids can be scared of their mother and be silenced so instead of speaking up they are scared of the consequences if they are made return to her and they go mute.

You would need many hours reading and sadly its innocent kids involved .

Let’s also say services don’t always do enough.

That's true @WillLiveLifeAgain, they do exist.
I've been on mumsnet long enough though to read many many posts where the poster opens up blaming the ex and every.single.time as the story unfolds, it's their DP who is entirely responsible; but they just can't see it. I blame oestrogen.

I'm sorry to hear that @Imbusytodaysorry

Im confused, your posts starts by talking about relationships being “ruined” by step-children yet your further comments go on to say you have done something that has ended the relationship and think you should be forgiven. Which is it as currently it sounds like you are deflecting your own actions onto your stepchild/children.

Ex denying husband seeing child www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5176967-ex-denying-husband-seeing-child

This thread was interesting. Started off as toxic ex. Unfolded., ended up as the op herself was controlling it to make sure she got more attention than the step child.

Two of my relationships have been affected by partners not setting healthy boundaries with their daughters. In the first relationship it was teenage daughters influenced by ex wife; in the second relationship- an adult daughter in her 30s in a completely enmeshed relationship with her father. In both cases the responsibility is with the parent, not the child.
I loved my partners but I realised I’d never be able to create healthy relationships with them.

I also think it's the adults and not the kids, that can frame the relationship between step parent and child.

I have such a good relationship with my step children and we are now at a stage where the 2 families have merged, the 2 sets of kids all get on and it's turned out so well.

Thing is, that didn't just ' happen'. My sc's mum entered a relationship around the same time, and they have kicked back a bit more on that side and it's a bit more forced. That's not to say her new dh isn't a lovely chap, he is, but they handled the new relationship a bit different and the kids have reacted to that and it's grown from there.

Time and respect for space, is probably what I'd contribute to success. Also the fact that all the adults involved have made a conscious effort to get on and have an, at least, cordial relationship where we can all meet for drinks or children's events, and it be a positive experience, although to be fair, this is the worst bit for me the run up always makes me a bit anxious, but is actually quite enjoyable, at the time. I've ended up actually quite liking the ex wife and her husband...

And don't get me wrong, I've come on this thread all, like, Disney-smug, but it didn't come without work and struggles and frustration. I'm a decade down the line now, but I can't emphasis how bloody lovely it is when it does work. The feeling when you watch your kids, your step kids all in a room laughing and joking with each other, organising days or nights out, independent of the adults, is second to none.

Of course not.
I would never, ever enter a relationship where there is a child involved.
Cannot see one reason.
No kids myself.

You're not my father or
You're not my mother
And the other parent agrees and tells you to but out.

Before moving in together you should both be aware of how each other handle children and agree/accept that. If not walk away.

Children can be manipulative and set out to get rid of an unwanted intruder.

Not a journalist? Yeah right.

My ex bil cut contact down to maybe a few hours once a month. The dcs still had to spend those measly few hours with the new partner and all her dcs. They could not even see their father if her dcs weren’t there as that was ‘ their time’ apparently.
The dcs told their father they wanted to spend the only couple of hours they saw him in a month with him, and nobody else. He refused. The visits filtered out to maybe once every 6 months and still with the new partner and all her dcs.
Eventually they stopped bothering.
Now he bemoans the fact his adult dcs don’t see him.
100% his fault.

I guess another way of saying this is - if you can't have any empathy for a child in this situation, and put their needs before your own- then don't date a man who has children. It isn't fair on the children.

Everything you talk about there is down to a Parents behaviour not a childs

I'd put it more simply, if you have children don't date.

It's wrong to bring someone into a relationship when you expect them to accept with a smile any behavior your children may show. If they're rude, I'll mannered, aggressive or whatever you expect your new partner to put up with it because they're not their child. Just don't.

Yet some people make wonderful step parents.
I suppose some parents are not very good and when they get with someone else this just makes it even worse for the children.

Well no @BigFatLiar

Because that's the choice of the childless person. Some people are full of love and empathy and able to embrace step parenting wholeheartedly. They have the maturity to centre the child's needs, and the emotional intelligence to realise they're not in competition with them.
If you can't do that, I couldn't, then don't date people with kids.