Has anyones relationship ended because of a SC?

[swimminginthelagoon]

I’ve seen messages on here before but unable to find them now.

I can’t go into the details as too outting, but would be grateful if anyone on here could reply who has had their relationship ruined by a stepchild / partners child and it’s broken up either by you walking away or by your DH/DP walking away? Interested in stories where children manipulate the father, parentification, toxic ex wives etc. Feel quite lost and it would be good to speak to others who have understanding. Thanks.

Lots of people don't fully consider the impact of creating a blended family or starting a relationship with someone who already has children I don't think. It's obvious really that someone who has children should prioritise them, and that in most cases they'll always have contact with their ex because they have a child together. Of course this introduces different factors into a relationship and it's always a not too far out possibility that it'll affect it a lot.

As I was reading this thread it occurred to me that blaming ‘the step kids’ for the breakdown of the relationship is just by proxy for who they really want to blame, the ‘crazy/toxic ex’.

Why are men never at fault for their own choices and behaviours? They’re always wonderful the relationship is fantastic apart from his pesky kids/ex!

Well said. My ex is definitely a contributing factor for not parenting his children well enough. However his ex is a whole other vile beast!

Thank you for commenting. This really resonated with me. I too have felt I was drowning at times, a friend has highlighted I was gaslighted on horrible text messages from his daughter. However he has thrown the towel in and refused to engage in counselling. Which is such a shame. I really believe if he had, we may have stood a chance as we would have had more understanding each other (and with hope the scales could have fallen too). But it wasn’t to be and instead it’s the path of least resistance and that involves removing me from his life. I too have done something I’m not proud of that lead to the downfall of the relationship with the SC. But it really should have been forgotten eventually and left in the past.

Yes I felt there was a little of this with me. Difficult to pin point but I felt there was competition.

One thing I see a lot on here is unrealistic expectations of teenagers from stepmothers with no children of their own, or only young ones.

Raising teens is SO hard and you really do have to pick your battles. Yes there needs to be boundaries which are consistently enforced but it needs to be done in a way that shows empathy towards the teen and preserves the relationship - because ultimately you need to maintain that closeness and trust if you want to keep steering them in the right direction towards adulthood. And despite your best intentions there will be days when you just can't parent that perfect way you always thought you would.

Plenty of stepmothers on here don't seem to grasp that nuance, nor do they acknowledge that THEY, just their very existence and presence in the home (possibly with their own children) are one of the major stressors causing the teen to go off the rails in the first place.

DP and I raised our teens in separate homes and there have been countless times where we've both seen something and thought 'fucking hell I wouldn't put up with that!' but we kept our noses out and just supported each other instead. I have no doubt we wouldn't be together now if we'd tried to blend. And you know what? Although raised in a completely different way, they all turned out OK in the end. Nobody was right or wrong.

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice So true. Gwyneth Paltrow and her second husband lived apart the first few years of their marriage because they both had a set of teenagers and saw that it would be too much for everyone.

I should point out from my point of view, we were living apart. I have a teen and pre teen of my own. People do make mistakes, even as adults but people shouldn’t be consistently punished for a mistake when they admit their wrongdoing and have apologised. The teen should not given the power and ability to control situations because they are a teenager and we need to be mindful of their emotions. They also need to learn boundaries and decency.

I’ve seen it happen but, in my opinion, it’s never the fault of the child but the adults who are failing to communicate maturely.

Actually I think I disagree with this, and the underlying premise that a child (of any age) can actively try to ruin other people’s relationships and they never need to be spoken to about it. In effect you are saying it’s an OK thing to do.

There are a proportion of people who feel very strongly that their parent should not engage in a sexual relationship.
I think you are being naive to the extent that teenage and adult children will go out of their way to ruin things for other people in an effort to control. By saying “Oh, it’s bad parenting.” you end up (a) condoning the behaviour and (b) ignoring the absolute glee many of us have witnessed when a new boyfriend or girlfriend has been driven off.
(And I have never been involved in this type of situation)

That problem was most definitely your boyfriend!

If a father only sees his child eow, then he absolutely should be devoting that time to his child. The child should not be expected to spend time with sone random new partner.
I see lots of fathers who expect their child to fit in with the new partner and her dcs. It’s not fair on the child.
No wonder the child reacts badly.
Then the new partner thinks the child hs a brat.
The father is too shit to defend the child or put the effort in.
Problems occur.

The above also applies if the new parents are married.
Children want time with their parents, not randomers and being married to someone should never override that.
Some fathers only spend one day a fortnight or less with their child. That should not be watered down by accommodating the new partner and her dcs.

Just reading the first few replies, and it's fascinating. Each time the children are blamed, whereas each time the fault has lain squarely at the door of pathetic parenting of the absent father/their partner. The bar is set so low for men in our society, people rush to blame others for their uselessness.

The first post has nailed it.

No, it's not the fault of the 'toxic' ex (unlikely) or the 'spoilt' children (so parents fault then?) , it's the fault of the man you chose to have a relationship with.

Oh my goodness. Right. So. That's the fathers fault isn't it?!? Fgs, my jaw is on the floor reading this thread.

This is what we did for years. We did things apart on many weekends and they went out and had their time together and we would try and be as a family at meal times or on a Sunday afternoon before she went back to mums.
And we'd take it in turns to be out the house so they also got time just doing homework or watching a film together. Same for holidays we went together but there were always days we spent apart.
Made no difference she was left out apparently and not included in family life. Couldn't win whatever we'd done ( although am absolutely sure this came from her mum and was repeated over the years that she just came to believe it)

Baffled. Why are women dating men who see the children EOW only? How low is your bar that when a bloke basically tells you he's an uninvolved absent parent who leaves all the work to the mother, you think 'oh yes please'. Aim higher. If a bloke tells you from the outset he's selfish, and you ignore that for whatever reason, you can't really be upset when his useless parenting affects you. He told you he was useless!

It's not just female adult children who can be difficult.

I know a man well into middle-age who was very cold towards his widowed father's new partner - never tried to manipulate or interfere but was just very hostile. No problems with inheritance issues as older couple were not married and of equal financial status - instead of being happy that his father had found a real soulmate at age 80 and not alone the son made it known to his father that he didn't 'approve'.

Irony is a year or two later the son was widowed and within a couple of months had a girlfriend! He still didn't soften towards his dad's partner.

People can be selfish and think only of themselves, no doubt he thought that his dad was somehow 'betraying' his late mother.

@dermalermalurd
It's not a trope when you live with it, these aren't just accounts by men,
these are lived experiences.

Oh blimey. Where to start. I left the family home and although still with DH we live separately. I've never had children of my own but I can guarantee without a shadow of a doubt if I had it would not have lasted. I tolerated too much myself but I know I wouldn't have if my own children were subject to the same.

It wasn't solely down to the children, but there was some pretty awful behaviour. Throw in a toxic ex wife and a Disney dad into the mix and you have a recipe for disaster.

Everything you have said here is not the kids fault it’s the parents.

I’ve been a step parent and it ended not because of the kids but because of the parents .
Not parenting !

The parents are to blame not the kids.

Or the very toxic ex who doesn’t parent .
And the man who is the better parent but still can’t get it right for fear of upsetting the kids .

@arethereanyleftatall arethereanyleftatall

Why do you think an ex couldn't be toxic or in your words unlikely? Strange viewpoint.

This really isn’t your call though. It sounds like your wrong doing was the start of the terrible relationship between you, your SC and the children and their parent.
You don’t get to control how other people feel or if they forgive you, sometimes saying sorry isn’t enough to undo something.

I was going to say yes but when I went to type out what happened, it was really the Dad and his crap parenting and taking advantage that was the issue. The child’s behaviour and how she was treating the furniture in the house was the trigger, but it was the Dad’s response and the compounding factors that were the real
issue.