Has anyones relationship ended because of a SC?

[swimminginthelagoon]

I’ve seen messages on here before but unable to find them now.

I can’t go into the details as too outting, but would be grateful if anyone on here could reply who has had their relationship ruined by a stepchild / partners child and it’s broken up either by you walking away or by your DH/DP walking away? Interested in stories where children manipulate the father, parentification, toxic ex wives etc. Feel quite lost and it would be good to speak to others who have understanding. Thanks.

@Holidayhell22 and this is probably because men are generally selfish and seem to get away with it. Is it because women are generally more caring and giving?

I understand why you are saying this, but also I think it's a slightly troubling perspective. Partly it depends what you mean by "children". People on this thread have referred to step-children in their 20s.

Do you believe that, if an adult in their 20s consistently behaves in a rude, aggressive or manipulative way to their mom and dad's new partner, that is just to do with their "needs" and the parent "shouldn't have been entertaining new relationships"?

And even younger children than this, teens for example, are ethical beings. They are morally responsible for their choices and we do them no favours if we make them tyrants in the home, dictating the life that mom or dad is allowed to lead because of their "needs" (which could equally be described as "preferences", depending what you mean).

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely think children should be consulted on things, especially things like a new adult moving into the home - ideally they should be very on board with it or it shouldn't happen..... But I don't think older children have the right to entirely deny their parents a romantic future with anyone, I really don't.

@SeulementUneFois wow, I’ve just seen your post. Are you separating now? What country are you in? I can’t believe he will pay lifetime spousal support and his child is choosing to opt out of education and to live off her dad! That’s shocking.
How have the children been to you?

It would be my thinking that these adult ‘children’ have learnt behaviours that stem from poor parenting.

How the partner responds to his children’s behaviour adult or not is key. In most of these cases the man chooses to prioritise his children’s ‘needs’ or ‘views’ over his partners for whatever reason that may be poor boundaries, conflict avoidance, guilt etc etc.

That says all you need to know about how much he values or desires the relationship.

Simply put the relationship breakdown is still on him and him alone imho.

@Ilovelurchers what a perfect post! This is exactly my thoughts. I believe teens are morally responsible for the choices they make. If they lived with dad and he wanted to move a partner in, then a conversation would need to be had. But I do not believe in children, no matter what age, gets to have any level of control or power over their parent. Control and power can look different in various forms, but it is still the root of a lot of bad behaviour, no matter what the catalyst may be which contributes to a difficult situation or relationship. I guess that’s been my point on this thread. Someone posted that perhaps apologies aren’t enough, but I believe mistakes happen, no one is perfect, and people need to move on, rather than stay fixed on an isolated incident. Sometimes the incident is used to fuel anger that lies within someone that is anything to do with the person it’s being thrown at. It’s a way to feel in control and powerful, and not enough is done to prevent it by the parent as the boundaries are weak.

And my personal experience - i have once been a step-parent in a relationship , to four adult children. They were the source of conflict between us sometimes because I felt disrespected/taken advantage of (I would not be invited to parties for example, yet on joint holidays they would expect me to contribute to the cost of taking them, even tho my partner was a lot older than me and I was only a couple of years older than the eldest step child!) Conversely, we also argued because the youngest who I became very close to, I felt was very under valued by his dad, who was very negative and critical about him.

We split essentially not because of them, but because their dad was a solipsistic twat. But yes they did cause issues between us Still very close to youngest SC - think of him like a favourite nephew and now the closest I will ever have to a son - very proud of him and show photos and bang on about him when other friends are banging on about their grown up kids - message every week and have supported each other through some difficult times..... Still makes me angry how his dad continues to treat him like he's a bit of a waste of space!

We might have had these same arguments over the kids if they were actually our joint kids. Families are complex. It's not always easy to pick a villain and a victim ......

No my relationship hasn't ended.

My dh previous relationship did end before me, if you asked her she would probably say it was because of my ss. It wasn't. It was because deep down she didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who had kids. She didn't want to "compete" for her partners attention, time or money.

Personally despite having a blended family myself for heading towards 20 years and kids together, I think in general they are some of the most toxic and dysfunctional family set up children can be exposed to.

We consider ours fairly successful, that doesn't blind us to the fact the reality is the older two had much harder life's overall than the younger two. We did family counselling when one of them was a teen. To be honest its pretty hard sitting in a room trying to defend against there feelings. When if you dig deep and are truly honest hold alot of truth. They have more difficult lives, with people they may never like, in situations they didn't choose because of who their parents want to sleep with.

We have so many blended families around us be it family or friends. Both our older kids are parts of blended families on the other side.

And honestly there is probably only one other I think works anyway well. The rest are different combinations of fcked up that the parents never mind the step parents should have left long ago.

The competition, jealously, constant need to prove who is more important in the pecking order, which in my experience is usually a SM, with either her or her kids. The cinderalla effect is 100% real in my social circles, with weak as fck men who should be the ones ending the relationship, never mind the SP.

Men don't struggle as much being a SP not because of lack of boundaries, the don't struggle as much as SM I think because they tend not to hold as deep routed emotional insecurities. The most toxic of SP relationships in between girls and SM. I despise with passion the term mini wife syndrome. It actually makes me gag because underneath it is an grown woman who sees the relationship as an equal competition. Not the child who is just trying to hold on to some form of attachment to their parent.

It takes massive amounts of emotional regulation, having very little of your own unhealed trauma to deal with, empathy, ability to compromise the list is endless to have even a half way functioning blended family unit.

Don't even get me started on the tripe that is rolled out about adults needs, children's wants retric.

And also I don't align to the school of thought that just because someone apologises you need to accept it and move on. It isn't something I'm teaching my kids, especially my daughters. So it's for the person who is being apologised to decide if they want the relationship to remain on the terms it was.

Do you believe that, if an adult in their 20s consistently behaves in a rude, aggressive or manipulative way to their mom and dad's new partner, that is just to do with their "needs" and the parent "shouldn't have been entertaining new relationships"?

My mum was in her 40s when my grandad remarried and she fell out with him and wouldn't be into the wedding purely because she didn't like the woman he was marrying. It happens at all ages and you certainly can't blame her needs or bad parenting!

Is the adult child responsible for their behaviour? Or is their parent? That’s what you are being asked?

If, as I saw, an adult man screams at a woman in her seventies because “it’s disgusting” that two widowed people get together, is that on him or is it on his parents (and what about the dead one?)

And how should his parent and their partner react to that?

If you want to hear tales of families splitting up because of their bio children, just visit the SEN boards...

That is an entirely different dynamic. Both our joint children have additional needs and medical conditions. The challenges that presents on our marriage aren't the same in terms of the dynamics that exist because we are in a blended family.

Of course, but further up the thread a poster said you didn't hear of couples splitting because of bio children.

Ime, that's not true at all. There is a taboo around mentioning it, however.

Op, you have admitted to there being one ' incident' that was a you thing, but everything else was ' manipulative children'.

Do you not think the time line l/ incident details may have more bearing on this tale, than just the kids being hard work?

I think the OP gives a pretty good example of why they don't work generally.

The kids or teens who still haven't even got a fully developed frontal lobe, shouldn't display poor emotional regulation, poor decisions making, have a lack of healthy conflict resolution, reduced empathy.That shouldn't be acceptable at all.

But a grown adult, who by their own admission did something they shouldn't have, that should be accept because they apologised. So it should be moved on from.

Considering the fact so many adults struggle in blended families and the dynamics they create, it always blows my mind the expectations of the kids who get dragged into them irrelevant of their feelings shouldn't.

And the gf is probably here boasting about how she 'enforced her boundaries' and the 'scales fell from his eyes'.

I think it's ingrained into and expected of women to sacrifice for others. When they appear to tend to their own needs, wants and desires, they are ridiculed. Too many woman on MN reinforce this view for me.

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice very likely "I told him not to put up with their shit. That told them. They're only little shits because of their mother" is very likely her narrative!

I agree far too many women interfering in their step children’s lives in a way step fathers tend not to.
You see it on here. A female poster asking for advice when her oh is struggling to see his children or gain a contact agreement or whatever.
Ffs he is an adult, why can’t he engage a solicitor and just take it from there,
You rarely hear a man asking for advice on how his oh can gain contact with her children.
Yet step father’s can be great, they just don’t over step the mark.
I think women need to butt out. Do something else when your oh is seeing his children.
Let him sort things out. Stop babying him.
And if he can’t, well that’s your problem if you carry on and have your own child with him.

Said so eloquently from someone with zero experience!

Still the parent's fault there...