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Original poster

What to do with OW?

158 replies

jeannedarc · 30/09/2024 18:35

Long time lurker, very rare poster and I have NC’d for this. I can hardly believe I am typing this.
I have recently found out that my husband of 16 years (together 20) is having an emotional affair. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, live in another country, no real support network, both working FT to afford rent and 2 kids with SEN so life is very full on. But I genuinely thought I had married one of the good guys and it turns out he’s just another cowardly cheat and I am devastated.
I am dealing with him and his betrayal as best as I can but my question here is how to deal with the OW. She is someone very enmeshed in my children’s lives through a hobby they do. She’s not running the sessions but sometimes helps out as a volunteer. My children know her very well and her oldest daughter has even babysat for us in the past. I can’t pull my children out of this hobby, it’s a big part of their social circle and I help the organisers too with their newsletters and socials, I don’t want to leave them in the lurch. At the same time, I want her to back right off my children. She is married too and I am seriously considering threatening to expose her to get her to step away from this hobby and my kids. I have photo evidence of the sexting between her and my stbxh, there is no ambiguity in what they’ve been up to so if I were to make the messages public, her marriage would blow up and her reputation would be damaged. Am I crazy for considering using it as blackmail? How else would you deal with this?

OP posts:
JumperStripes · 30/09/2024 18:37

I wouldn’t have her daughter babysit again and I would speak to her husband, then I would tell her to stay away from your children.

purin · 30/09/2024 18:40

I would not use it as blackmail but I would inform her husband of it. He has a right to know about this. What he chooses to do with the information is up to him. It may have the end result you’re after of getting her to quit the volunteering as an added bonus.

Incakewetrust · 30/09/2024 18:43

As the PPs have said, I wouldn't use it as blackmail. I would 100% tell her husband though and send him the proof as he has a right to know that he's being cheated on.

I wouldn't do your STBXH or OW any favours either. If people ask why you split, just tell them. If they wanted protecting from judgement, they shouldn't have cheated.

Hmmmmm5 · 30/09/2024 18:46

You risk ending her marriage...freeing her up for your husband.

Maybe their marriage is open?

Daisys24 · 30/09/2024 18:50

You cannot blackmail her but morally you should just send the screenshots to her DH. He deserves to know who he is married to.

MamOfGirls2 · 30/09/2024 18:54
Kevin Hart No GIF by Kevin Hart's Laugh Out Loud

Send her this

SauviGone · 30/09/2024 19:02

My immediate (and hot-headed) response would be to show her husband the messages asap, and tell the OW that if she continues volunteering at the hobby or ever so much as looks at my children again, I will show the hobby organisers and every other parent whose children attend that hobby, all of her graphic messages to my husband.

DoTheDinosaurStomp · 30/09/2024 19:04

I'd go nuclear. If you get on well enough with the event/hobby organisers, I'd say that I had to temporarily step back from helping out with newsletters etc as I'd found out that 'Susan' or whatever her name is, is having an affair with my husband and that I needed time to get myself organised. I'd also send the screenshots to Susan's husband.

Balaclava1000 · 30/09/2024 19:04

Speak to her directly and tell her you have evidence and advise her to back off.

Dustyblue · 30/09/2024 19:07

Ouch. I'm in a sort-of similar situation and it really f'ing hurts.

I'm trying to tell myself that my issue isn't with her, it's with HIM. And my child (also enmeshed with the OW) is my only priority.

No real advice, just solidarity. Not fun is it???

lunar1 · 30/09/2024 19:08

It tell the event organisers that she isn't to be anywhere near your children for a start. Fucking revolting that she's carry on with your husband, while inserting herself into your children's lives. Actually I'm petty, I'd probably show the organisers the screenshots.

BirthdayRainbow · 30/09/2024 19:15

My now ex h OW H decided I should know his wife was cheating with my husband. She told him I was being told so he confessed to me. I'd never have known otherwise. This thread has made me realise that he had no right to drop a bomb in my life. I definitely would rather have not known. I divorced him years later for something worse.

I would engineer a conversation with her. I know what you've been doing with my husband. Stay the hell away from my kids otherwise the whole world will know what you've done. Then walk away.

Just a suggestion.

thiscantbemylife · 30/09/2024 19:23

Words of advice they don’t back off what you do is give them something to fight for. I’m telling you now. I wasted two years with my ex and in the beginning I reached out to her. She blocked me on everything so there was no chance to reach out to anyone and they carried on behind my back until he just walked out of our lives one day.

It’s done if you can tell her husband I would.

LePetitMaman · 30/09/2024 19:27

I'd want to destroy her marriage to show the same regard as her and twat of a DH had shown to mine.

But.

Destroy her marriage and then she's got nothing to lose and she'll probably go after your husband, out of desire, desperation, or revenge for you exposing the slag she is.

I would not tell her DH. I would however tell the other women at the hobby. Because she'll be pushed out immediately. Other women there will have been the victim of infidelity and will be disgusted by her. They will also know that your husband is disgusting and he'll find out how decent people respond to those with shitty morals and foul conduct.

Gloriaamericanfamily · 30/09/2024 19:28

I would definitely tell her husband, without any hesitation. Why do you hesitate doing the right thing, when they happily dd the wrong one?

Thingamebobwotsit · 30/09/2024 19:28

What is your husband's role in this? I know of one similar situation and in the end they both left their spouses and married each other. Was toxic and awful for everyone concerned - the children, the exes, and their friends.

I would be very clear on what your husband's role is in this situation before you go nuclear. Any action or - indeed revenge - is best served cold. You also need to maintain the higher moral ground for your children's sake. However, I would absolutely be looking at alternatives for the hobby and - if and when you pull out of supporting the organisers you be as honest as you can be.

And I really feel for you. This is a horrid situation to be in.

itsmylife7 · 30/09/2024 19:40

Do what you need to do OP.
You've got the evidence.

mathanxiety · 30/09/2024 19:59

Could you step back from your hobby involvement and gradually get the kids to do other things?

If they're not yet teens, you may find their interest in family stuff or hobbies they have pursued throughout childhood wanes naturally anyway.

Original poster
jeannedarc · 30/09/2024 20:45

Dustyblue · 30/09/2024 19:07

Ouch. I'm in a sort-of similar situation and it really f'ing hurts.

I'm trying to tell myself that my issue isn't with her, it's with HIM. And my child (also enmeshed with the OW) is my only priority.

No real advice, just solidarity. Not fun is it???

I’m so sorry, it really sucks. I too want to protect my kids at all cost which is why I’m hesitant to actually publicly expose the affair. Sending you a hug.

OP posts:
Caramellie3 · 30/09/2024 20:46

If you tell her husband you have a danger of her becoming more involved in your children’s lives. I would tread carefully. But I wouldn’t want her anywhere near my children and would probably make sure she knows it.

StormingNorman · 30/09/2024 20:49

I wouldn’t threaten her with anything. I’d tell the hobby organisers why you have a problem with her and ask them to ensure she is never in contact with your children.

Original poster
jeannedarc · 30/09/2024 20:50

Hmmmmm5 · 30/09/2024 18:46

You risk ending her marriage...freeing her up for your husband.

Maybe their marriage is open?

Based on the messages I have seen (and have evidence of) their marriage is not open. However you have voiced one of my concerns. If I let her husband know and their marriage blows up, she and my stbxh could end up together and then she will very much be in my children’s lives.
And a spiteful part of me also wants to make her sweat a little…

OP posts:
Original poster
jeannedarc · 30/09/2024 20:55

BirthdayRainbow · 30/09/2024 19:15

My now ex h OW H decided I should know his wife was cheating with my husband. She told him I was being told so he confessed to me. I'd never have known otherwise. This thread has made me realise that he had no right to drop a bomb in my life. I definitely would rather have not known. I divorced him years later for something worse.

I would engineer a conversation with her. I know what you've been doing with my husband. Stay the hell away from my kids otherwise the whole world will know what you've done. Then walk away.

Just a suggestion.

This is what I wanted to do. I don’t really care for her husband (as in I don’t know him really) but I know her children and I’m loathe to send their world tumbling down too. This is all such a fucking mess!

OP posts:
Blobblobblob · 30/09/2024 20:56

Focus on what you want to acheive here

You want her out of your kids lives and yours.

In your shoes I would threaten to expose her, she is to remove herself completely from any contact with your children and the hobby or everyone sees the messages.

I hope you're divorcing him, what a lowlife he is. She's no better, but she is not your biggest problem.

IGuessIllbetheFirst · 30/09/2024 20:56

I thunk @StormingNorman ’s advice is spot on. Your dc should be protected from the fall-out no matter what happens i.e. even if they end-up together, your dc should not have to get caught up in the emotional turmoil which they will if she continues to have an involvement in their hobby. Explain to the organisers why and set some boundaries to protect them. That way also you have the moral high ground and it will be more difficult for your dh and ow to continue to manipulate you.