What to do with OW?

[jeannedarc]

Long time lurker, very rare poster and I have NC’d for this. I can hardly believe I am typing this.
I have recently found out that my husband of 16 years (together 20) is having an emotional affair. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, live in another country, no real support network, both working FT to afford rent and 2 kids with SEN so life is very full on. But I genuinely thought I had married one of the good guys and it turns out he’s just another cowardly cheat and I am devastated.
I am dealing with him and his betrayal as best as I can but my question here is how to deal with the OW. She is someone very enmeshed in my children’s lives through a hobby they do. She’s not running the sessions but sometimes helps out as a volunteer. My children know her very well and her oldest daughter has even babysat for us in the past. I can’t pull my children out of this hobby, it’s a big part of their social circle and I help the organisers too with their newsletters and socials, I don’t want to leave them in the lurch. At the same time, I want her to back right off my children. She is married too and I am seriously considering threatening to expose her to get her to step away from this hobby and my kids. I have photo evidence of the sexting between her and my stbxh, there is no ambiguity in what they’ve been up to so if I were to make the messages public, her marriage would blow up and her reputation would be damaged. Am I crazy for considering using it as blackmail? How else would you deal with this?

You too! 😊 xx

OP isn’t in the UK I think, so we don’t actually know what rules apply.
In any case, if OW is responsible for customers walking away she may find that this can be equated to gross misconduct.

Isn't the woman a volunteer?

@jeannedarc I've been thinking about this thread. I am coming to the thunderingly insightful position that I have no idea what I'd do in real life. This is a classic situation where it's very easy to key board warrior some strategy which would never work.

My ideal outcome would be 1) get shot of the DH (he's a wanker) 2) OW stays with current husband and never gets near your kids as a step mum.

I'd bide my time for now. There is a strong possibility you'll be branded nuts if you bring others into it (like the group) - I wouldn't go guns blazing there if I were you. It's unfair, but this is my fear.

There may be a scenario where you disclose to her DH. But I'd get your house in order first vis a vis your own DH and be quite far along with that before I explored that again.

I wish I had a crystal ball for you and could give a better answer.

This is a classic situation where it's very easy to key board warrior some strategy which would never work.

I think a fair few posters here have been in the OP's shoes and so have been through this!

They are the ones suggesting the OP takes some time to think things through and plan things out, though, and not the ones suggesting she goes in all guns blazing. In relation to getting rid of the DH, unfortunately if you have children with someone you can't just get rid, ever. It remains something needing to be managed forever.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I have been reading but also needed time to think and put things in action.
I haven’t thrown out the stbxh yet because I am waiting for a call from a divorce solicitor. I’m particularly concerned about being liable for his debts and I am not 100% sure how the law works here in this situation. Once I know what to do and expect, I will file for divorce.
He is begging for forgiveness, claiming it was a moment of insanity but I don’t buy it. I have seen what he has said about me and that is not love. In fact, I think seeing his thoughts laid bare like that hurt more than the affair. I genuinely can’t reconcile the man I married with what I now know.
But because he is so desperate for my forgiveness (I think it’s because he can’t afford to live alone, not because he is truly sorry) he has abruptly broken it off with OW and then blocked her. I have seen the messages. She asked if I knew and he confirmed it. Interestingly, she has been ill all week and not been at the club. I think she is shitting herself and I am now thinking that acting cold but civil might be the best way to make her really uncomfortable. But I can’t say for sure that I will manage to keep my composure when faced with her eventually.
I will probably let her husband know at some point, just not sure how right now. I don’t have any contact details for him.
and to answer some comments/questions, of course I won’t let her daughter babysit anymore. She’s only done it a couple of times when our usual babysitter wasn’t available so the kids won’t really notice.
And as for removing my kids from the club, absolutely not! Why should they lose out because of my stbxh and this woman? It wasn’t easy finding something that they enjoy and are good at, particularly for the 2 ND ones so I will not move them. I have however told my stbxh that I will now attend all the sessions, I’ll be damned if I make it easier for them to get together!

It sounds like you have your head screwed on!

You are inspiring how you are so put together when dealing with all of this.
Don’t believe a word that shithead says. I hope you get everything you want x