What to do with OW?

[jeannedarc]

Long time lurker, very rare poster and I have NC’d for this. I can hardly believe I am typing this.
I have recently found out that my husband of 16 years (together 20) is having an emotional affair. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, live in another country, no real support network, both working FT to afford rent and 2 kids with SEN so life is very full on. But I genuinely thought I had married one of the good guys and it turns out he’s just another cowardly cheat and I am devastated.
I am dealing with him and his betrayal as best as I can but my question here is how to deal with the OW. She is someone very enmeshed in my children’s lives through a hobby they do. She’s not running the sessions but sometimes helps out as a volunteer. My children know her very well and her oldest daughter has even babysat for us in the past. I can’t pull my children out of this hobby, it’s a big part of their social circle and I help the organisers too with their newsletters and socials, I don’t want to leave them in the lurch. At the same time, I want her to back right off my children. She is married too and I am seriously considering threatening to expose her to get her to step away from this hobby and my kids. I have photo evidence of the sexting between her and my stbxh, there is no ambiguity in what they’ve been up to so if I were to make the messages public, her marriage would blow up and her reputation would be damaged. Am I crazy for considering using it as blackmail? How else would you deal with this?

Have you actually confronted your husband about this and, if so, what did he say?

This!

Really? So the cheating wife isn't a tart? But we can insult a cheating husband. YES SHE'S A TART!

Alright Nellie Boswell.

My point is … NO ONE is a tart! Ffs! That’s awful. A tart? Seriously?

I think the awful bit is the destroying of other people's lives but um okay.

^ This

I would absolutely tell her husband and probably share the photos of their texts on social media - I wouldn’t be embarrassed but it would be absolutely effing mortifying for them

A teacher at DS private primary was pursuing my DH, she called him on his mobile once very late at night saying she was “scared” that her phone is being bugged because she is aware that there are staff at school who might not be safe with children - totally crazy blah blah. Could he help her? He made excuses hot off phone but I could hear her.
I was with him, in bed. He & I laughed that she was crazy. She also contacted him a few times about DS, when it should have been me she called. When DS was in hospital she visited which was so weird. I was super vigilant and she was not getting good vibes from me. She told my DH that she was getting job at another school - I was upset as was planning to move DS to this other school. DH thought she was good at her job cared for our DS, was like - she’s not that bad.

When I was sat with new school head teacher after the tour, he asked if I had questions. I said “Yes, is Ms X going to be joining your staff? If so, I will need to withdraw application. She has been calling my husband at midnight, and being unprofessional, also saying some staff are unsafe to my DH and she is a big reason I’m leaving current school. “

School head sat back and laughed, he said No, we are not hiring her.

It felt so good to spread the bad word about a predatory OW. Am certain this juicy gossip spread around teacher community.

I would not sit on it any longer, and share what you have found with them all. This will allow you to remove your children from the picture as much as you’d like or deem necessary and allow you to move on, without further delay.

good luck to you.

@jeannedarc I think for me, probably the most enraging thing about this situation, seen from outside, is the deception of this woman and her colluding with your DH about you via text. She is a cunt, 100% unforgivable.

Given she is so manipulative and sneaky, I wonder if you should even bother taking any kind of direct approach with her. It might just be water off a duck's back.

I'd consider talking to her husband as well as your own. With your own, tell him what your expectations are from here on, 1. he moves out immediately 2. he agrees to maintenance and alimony, 3. he has supervised visits with the children with no other 3rd parties present (i.e. this OW). Get a fantastic lawyer, get it sorted.

I'd meet her DH for a cup of tea and tell him straight.

Have absolutely nothing to do with her, other than perhaps telling everyone at the hobby what has happened, how it is causing stress within your family and while you'd not expect them to 'choose' between you, if they could attempt to keep her away from your children, you'd be grateful.

Please let us know what happens and hugs to you and good luck.

Yes that is truly awful… it’s horrific. But I still will not ever sink so low as to call someone a tart … it’s a horrible term and it says a lot about the person who thinks it’s ok to use it too.

I think its ok to call her a "cunt" though, given what she's done.

I actually think it’s too good for her. Makes me think of “tart with a heart” like Nancy from Oliver Twist or Pat Butcher from Eastenders.

There are no happy ever afters for them. This woman has bagged a cheating adulterer! This will always be a ‘relationship’ based rooted in pain, lies and misery. It will last until one or the other finds a more interesting prospect. It will always be tainted and stained with deception.

So leave them to it!
Op should not lower herself to this level.

So I would:

• End it with him and seek legal advice ASAP
• Carry on hobby but do not engage with her unless you absolutely have to. Be extremely civil and polite with her in front of others (maybe suspiciously so 😂)
• Don’t blackmail or threaten her, as you will look bad and she / your ex can use it against you to justify their shitty behaviour.
• Tell a few “close friends” that attend the hobby. Hopefully word will get out that way and you won’t look bad if it gets out that way.
• Don’t lie about anything if you get asked. DH was having an emotional affair, you’re breaking up etc. Yes it was someone you know. Etc.

Your DH has secretly accumulated massive debts? That would be my biggest concern. It could affect your retirement and he obviously has form for doing stuff behind your back, which means he may continue this behaviour if you remain together. What if you lose your home?

I would make a divorce plan in your shoes and seek legal advice about the debts.

I don’t think the OW would find him attractive if she knew either!

Also if there is any opportunity to pull her DH aside for a chat while she’s around that would be hilarious. Obvs don’t do tell him there and then, but make her sweat… actually you’ll be asking him for DIY/ barbecue advice or whatever his hobby is, but she won’t know if you’re telling him.

I think the only way to get her to leave is to just openly tell everyone, blackmail or threats won’t look great on you.

But being honest about why your marriage is breaking down is totally fine. Hopefully she will find it too awkward to go, if everyone knows??

Does it really? Hmm very judgemental aren't you?

Actually, I think your prioritIes here say quite like a lot about you tbh. Should you not be focusing on the concerns of the OP, rather than what bothers you about other posters? Please get over this now and move on!

I agree, tart is disgusting language, as is slut and skank used further up thread. It's the age old double moral standard and it's the only old fashioned misogyny that continues to get a pass on MN.

They could end up together anyway. Married women who cheat usually do it because they want a knight on a white charger to rescue them from the husband they have. They might just be bored, but they want a change. They just prefer to find the new oh first before dumping the old. They can’t face being alone. Men often just want the thrill without losing the home comforts they have but some do move on to the mistress. OW needs to remember, when a mistress becomes the wife, it creates a vacancy.
He is a health hazard, too. Get checked for STIs and are you sure she is the first?
So sorry you are going through this. I’d tell her DH because if they are going to choose each other, best it happens sooner than later …well I’d want to know anyway. It needs the crisis to push him …and her…to make the decision if emotions are involved. Otherwise, they just go deeper underground ie get more secretive

Skank applies to both sexes.

He was doing you a favour and you chose not to listen to him. Clearly, this wasn't wise as he then went on to do something worse. I dont think it's the OH that's the issue here, it's your avoidance of accepting reality. Maybe in the future, if someone warns you of danger, appreciate it and protect yourself. Just a suggestion.

you don’t really sex chat in an emotional affair ! They are at it for sure . Your feelings towards doing all sorts of things to her are valid including telling her husband . Don’t be afraid that in the aftermath they both end up together then he had already moved on from you and good riddance . You deserve better . If you want to save your marriage still then couples therapy although many men can pretend though therapy while still seeing the OW. She shouldnt be in your children’s life at all. Make it very clear to her you know everything and ask her to stay away.