What to do with OW?

[jeannedarc]

Long time lurker, very rare poster and I have NC’d for this. I can hardly believe I am typing this.
I have recently found out that my husband of 16 years (together 20) is having an emotional affair. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, live in another country, no real support network, both working FT to afford rent and 2 kids with SEN so life is very full on. But I genuinely thought I had married one of the good guys and it turns out he’s just another cowardly cheat and I am devastated.
I am dealing with him and his betrayal as best as I can but my question here is how to deal with the OW. She is someone very enmeshed in my children’s lives through a hobby they do. She’s not running the sessions but sometimes helps out as a volunteer. My children know her very well and her oldest daughter has even babysat for us in the past. I can’t pull my children out of this hobby, it’s a big part of their social circle and I help the organisers too with their newsletters and socials, I don’t want to leave them in the lurch. At the same time, I want her to back right off my children. She is married too and I am seriously considering threatening to expose her to get her to step away from this hobby and my kids. I have photo evidence of the sexting between her and my stbxh, there is no ambiguity in what they’ve been up to so if I were to make the messages public, her marriage would blow up and her reputation would be damaged. Am I crazy for considering using it as blackmail? How else would you deal with this?

I disagree.

The OP is not in a position to deliver an ultimatum to the OW, and it wouldn't be wise to even if she was.

She needs to sort out her own separation and needs to accept that the OW will likely become her children's stepmother.

A lot of the children's happiness down the road will depend on how well she and this horrible woman get along and cooperate together.

What a mess it all is. Her husband is a useless, selfish pig. But the OP needs to play the long game here for the sake of her children.

The current access of the OW to the children through the hobby isn't the real problem here.

The problem is how best to manage the upcoming new reality for the children.

I do not think the organisers of the hobby will be able or willing to enforce any request of the OP's.

They are very likely to see this as a completely private matter, and I strongly suspect they will not do anything for the OP.

Her best bet is to get the children involved in something else.

Agreed. There are a huge amount of fence sitters when it comes to affairs, most people really don't care that much.

Username checks out 🤣

Do let people know she knows your situation and knows how the strain on you and your other half. It is not just her to blame but if she was professional she would not have done this. I think if this happened to me I would go full on and every text or email would be sent to hubby,friends and clients or both of them.

Because you wouldn't want either of them to have a happy ever after, as a result of destroying your marriage.

No..I wouldn't want him. But fucked if I'd make it easier for her.

I would send the messages to her but say it is clearly not appropriate for her to be involved with your children on this hobby and it is a conflict of interests for her and she is to keep herself away from you and the children at all times.

if she doesn’t leave I would send the messages to the organisers saying her presence is a conflict of interests and damaging to children that are in a position of vulnerability by their age alone.

Not wanting to be pedantic and harsh but it isn’t an emotional affair which, my understanding, is sharing feelings and information that would normally be private between two people in a relationship. They are sexting so sexually satisfying each other even if not while in the same room.

I don’t say that to add to your unhappiness it’s just if you minimise what they are doing, you are selling yourself short.

I’d tell her husband. I’d think about arranging for both couples to be in the same place at the same time and tell him then. No wiggle room. But it might be cruel to ambush her husband like, so maybe not

😂😂😂

Well yes, but if they are going to be together, they are going to be together. she obviously has no issues cheating on her DH, OP is quite rightly getting rid of her 'D'H, so its highly likely the 2 of them will carry on anyway.
So may as well tell the husband OP. NOT telling him will make their lives alot easier I'd imagine. Telling him will make hers, hopefully, miserable as shit, at least for a while.
and if the 2 of them end up together, after both stomping all over their families to do so, then i'd say let them crack on. I can't imagine there would be a happy ever after.
OP's priority is her children. Unfortunately they are enmeshed in all this. IF they end up together, then OP can deal with that time when it arrives, but at the moment, i'd absolutely be throwing the bomb right back at her.

How are you doing, OP?

I would tell everyone. I'd want to humiliate the both of them. But I'm petty 😀

I would get everything in order and then tell her dh the truth. He has a right to know, and make a decision about his own life. Quite frankly the OW would be welcome to my ex dh in these circumstances.

You deserve far better than a life full of lies and deceit. I am sorry this has happened to you

Also, if you do decide to divorce and her and your H end up together you will know that you’ve had the satisfaction of frightening and hurting her. How you like them apples?

I would discreetly inform whomever runs your child's activity that you don't want OW dealing with your child. If the leader asks for a reason you can tell her/him. You have nothing to be ashamed about.

I'd get her on her own and very calmly show her the proof
Give her 2 choices
She either leaves the hobby with immediate effect and has nothing to do with your kids, if people ask she can explain and you then move on and deal with your husband
Or she stays and watches the shit hit the fan.....

Have you confronted your husband about this yet? I would probably speak to the OW and tell her you know, have it out with her and tell her husband and then out of shame surely she will stop going to the hobby!! If they end up together so be it that’s another bridge to cross in the future.

I think taking so many bits of advice on here and putting them together would be a good shout.

Blackmail is a no no, that could get you in trouble yourself.
Tell the group leader you don't want her dealing with your children and why. The fact you have done it discreetly will show you in a much better light than kicking off.
Under no circumstances have her child baby sitting for you again, that's messed up that she allowed that.
Don't tell the husband yet, leave her to sweat and when the right opportunity arises, then you can present him with the evidence. She will think you're not going to tell him after some time has passed, so the impact will hit her when she least expects it.

Most importantly, look after yourself and your children OP. This must be a huge shock and your lives have just been turned upside down. Try and focus on that for now, how you can move forward with your new life, what practicalities that involves and lots of love and care for your kids (which I'm sure you're doing anyway)

Xx

I think the group leaders will have an obligation to safe guard your children and if you talk to them discreetly and show them the messages, they should takes steps to keep this woman away from them. Make sure they know she went out of her way to be around you all, knowing she was having an affair with stbxh.

^ This

This is appalling advice. The OP should not interfere in OW's marriage - she knows nothing about the relationship or what the revelation might do. Just speak to the OW (if you must) and don't have daughter to babysit. And tell shit DH that you know and that he can bloody well stop.

I would pull her aside at said activity, back to the room, and say with a 💩 eating grin on my face and in a lower tone voice, that I am aware of her despicable actions both in terms of her “behaviour” with my husband, and in the insertion and involvement with my children which I find equally heinous. That I think she should look to find an alternative hobby and remove herself from mine and my children’s life, or with the evidence I have, i would blow up her life so hard Hiroshima would look like a backyard bonfire! Info passed to her husband, the parents and organiser and associated parents - hell, even having it all posted on a local billboard! Then just walk away all smiles and silence!

Yes the husband did what he did and deserves what ever repercussions OP sees fit, but this isn’t some randomer off tinder, this is a woman who was heavily involved in OP’s life and has her own marriage and children - she is not absolved from blame or repercussions 🤷🏻‍♀️

As soon as anyone at the dance studio knows, EVERYONE will know, including your children. Don't make any rash moves.

Keep your leverage close to your vest for now. It's galling but it's not going to hurt your kids to interact with her a bit more about the hobby, assuming her behaviour there is appropriate.

Don't put anything to her or her husband in writing (and that includes on phones) or otherwise create a trail until you have spoken with a solicitor.

Grey Rock and keep calm, difficult as that may be.

I don't have any advice OP, but I just want to say your husband is an absolute shit. I imagine that will be the general impression of both of them when it becomes clear to everyone else what they've done.
Do what you need to do for the long term good of you and your children x

Love this.
At least you will always know you had one up on her x