What to do with OW?

[jeannedarc]

Long time lurker, very rare poster and I have NC’d for this. I can hardly believe I am typing this.
I have recently found out that my husband of 16 years (together 20) is having an emotional affair. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, live in another country, no real support network, both working FT to afford rent and 2 kids with SEN so life is very full on. But I genuinely thought I had married one of the good guys and it turns out he’s just another cowardly cheat and I am devastated.
I am dealing with him and his betrayal as best as I can but my question here is how to deal with the OW. She is someone very enmeshed in my children’s lives through a hobby they do. She’s not running the sessions but sometimes helps out as a volunteer. My children know her very well and her oldest daughter has even babysat for us in the past. I can’t pull my children out of this hobby, it’s a big part of their social circle and I help the organisers too with their newsletters and socials, I don’t want to leave them in the lurch. At the same time, I want her to back right off my children. She is married too and I am seriously considering threatening to expose her to get her to step away from this hobby and my kids. I have photo evidence of the sexting between her and my stbxh, there is no ambiguity in what they’ve been up to so if I were to make the messages public, her marriage would blow up and her reputation would be damaged. Am I crazy for considering using it as blackmail? How else would you deal with this?

Why are you taking responsibility for ruining their kids’ lives?
You aren’t the homewrecker.
You didn’t cheat.
Stop taking responsibility for things that don’t belong to you.
And for God’s sake lose the guilt and find your righteous indignation.

This
U have every right to be angry and upset OP and I can understand your need for rebellion. But u won't achieve any peace from this. Wishing u peace and strength for the future

Open or not, I’d divorce him and wouldn’t care whether they ended up together or not. They deserve each other.

Just expose the both of them bloody traters your well rid

Oooo my comment was deleted. I’ll tone it down but in the words of the great Cersei Lanister…
”I choose violence.”

While I dont recommend actually doing this you could have a bit of fun making up a mock newsletter for the hobby detailing the affair and message contents and fantasise about sending it to all.

This is terrible. I'm so sorry!

You mentioned wanting to protect the children, but since your husband is your STBX, their world is disrupted anyway. So you don't have much to lose by telling her husband, unless your desire to protect OW's kids from their world also being disrupted is stronger than your desire for revenge. You're right; it's a mess.

We need more info though. You and your husband are getting divorced, but is he still carrying on with OW? Are they serious? Or is it over, and she's planning to go back to her life like nothing ever happened?

I completely understand if you want to go scorched-earth either way. I would want to, as well. But the way out of this mess as quick as possible is probably to take the high road, sort out your own divorce, and leave your ex and his OW to sort themselves out. That way, you don't have the guilt of disrupting her innocent kids' lives. And nothing you do or say will have much effect on the eventual outcome, anyway. If they want to be together, they will be. If you tell people, you'll look bad. It's completely unfair, but you will. I've been wronged and told people how I feel about it, and have not received the support you'd expect, considering the nature of the wrong. The trouble is that most people suffer from a complete lack of imagination and find it impossible to put themselves in your shoes, so they just shy away from people who are understandably (in my view) getting their own back.

It's all very, very unfair. But I think the faster you leave behind this whole mess, the better. And karma will probably deal with them.

I doubt she will go after your husband If you’re exposed her, these type of people love the Chase and that’s it. Probably doesn’t want to leave her husband. Sexting is lust not love
once they know they got found out she will be begging to stay with her man and he will be pleading with you
I would also find it very difficult to continue sending my children somewhere where I would always see her, she would have the audacity to leave once she finds out you know

If I was you @jeannedarc, I would totally tell her to get lost and stay out the way (and away from hour hobby/club), or else everyone at the club/hobby will find out what a slutty snake she is. Maybe morally not the correct thing to do, but that's what would be best for you and kids. Not sure about telling her husband. Morally, he has a right to know, and I would like to know if I was in his shoes, but again its not in your best interests.

If she might soon be leaving the club I'd hold fire and spend time thinking it through before taking action. Anything you do could create more drama. I would think through what I wanted to happen for the next ten years or so, what sort of contact I'd want with STBX, how I'd want the care for the children to work out, what I'd want to happen if the two of them did get together, and just work towards getting that all sorted. Once you have come to terms with the betrayal you won't care about him or her, you'll just want your life to be peaceful with your DC happy and stable - if confrontations won't help then don't do it. If you decide you will stay with him for DC's sake, as people do, as long as the two of them keep it private between them it won't affect the DC or you and you can tell your husband that in private you consider yourself separated and that you may also meet someone else and trust that he will be amicable and adult about it.

I think the other husband has a right to know. But it could bring more drama and if so it would not be good DC, and so I'd put DC needs first when thinking about that decision.

Just sort things out between you and your partner.

I would tell her husband and bring him in on this. He deserves to know. If she shows her face at the event, I'd quietly tell everyone. That's egregious behaviour.

Pah. Rubbish.

Think about what you want to achieve- you are divorcing your H, you want to co parent politely, you also want this woman out of your dcs lives.

blowing up her marriage won’t achieve the second part and might lead to your H being bitter and you lose the moral high ground with him. He may well have enjoyed her attention, but not want to be backed into a real relationship with her.

So given that, I’d message her /speak to her and say you have screen shots of her sexts to your husband. You have debated sending them to her husband but have decided that her marriage is her problem and you aren’t going to be the one to tell him, although if he asks you won’t lie for her. But say that you expect her to stay away from you and your kids, including stopping helping at the club.

that if she doesn’t, you will have to explain to the organisers about her affair and ask her to be kept away from your kids. And that you think it would be unfair for everyone except for her dh to know, so you’ll tell him first. You are sure she understands etc.

yes “blackmail” but also reasonable.

No space for moral highground in such instances.
She fucked around, so now needs to find out.
The OW is just scummy. What sort of woman befriends the whole family so that she can have it off with the father/husband of the family. Absolute skank.

This has made me properly laugh out loud, I'm going to have to save it thanks!

Seriously though what a mess @jeannedarc pair of pricks both of them x

Edit: Shit sorry that first part was to @MamOfGirls2

And it isn’t blackmail. That’s a load of bollocks. Its consequences for actions.

It’s really not. Giving a shit just shows you give a shit … put your energy where it’s going to help you the most… bringing people to justice genuinley doesn’t make you feel better for very long because the pain and hurt they caused you isn’t alleviated by hurting them back. Figure out what you genuinley want, what you need to get it and forget the rest … it truly is irrelevant. You can through so much energy in the wrong direction and it’s wasting your time snd achieving nothing… revenge will not take away your pain and it will not take away the fact someone betrayed you etc.

Usually I’d say there’s no point going after the OW or telling her husband. In this case you’re not actually looking to blow up her marriage or start drama. You specifically want her to stop volunteering at the activity your children do so that they can continue going and have some consistency in their lives when other things are up in the air. I think that’s totally reasonable.

I’d say that you know what’s been going on and you have the messages between her and your h. I’d ask her to stop going to x activity out of respect for your DC and not to have any further contact with you or your children. Explain that if she keeps volunteering you’ll have to pull the children, whose lives are being disrupted enough, from that activity and you’d have to explain to all the parents exactly why.

Don't blackmail, just tell the tart's husband without a doubt. How dare she even think her life could carry on as normal now and associate with your children?!? That shop has sailed and so should her reputation and marriage

I would be going to the organiser of the club etc that your children attend and be letting them know that one of their volunteers has been having an affair with your husband and the father of the children who attend the club and what are they going to do about it?

it’s not professional and I’m sure they won’t be letting her return.

Oh I would find it very hard to resist dobbing her in.

Is there any risk your stbxh will be nasty as a result?

Tart? For fuck sake … is this who we are on here? Really?

How are things going now, @jeannedarc?

I think I might “accidentally” spill a drink on her next time I saw her at the club. And say, not being afraid of who was listening, “Stay away from my husband, stay away from my kids.”

You might get barred, but it would be worth it. I remember a similar incident at a party involving my parents’ friends when I was a child.