What to do with OW?

[jeannedarc]

Long time lurker, very rare poster and I have NC’d for this. I can hardly believe I am typing this.
I have recently found out that my husband of 16 years (together 20) is having an emotional affair. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, live in another country, no real support network, both working FT to afford rent and 2 kids with SEN so life is very full on. But I genuinely thought I had married one of the good guys and it turns out he’s just another cowardly cheat and I am devastated.
I am dealing with him and his betrayal as best as I can but my question here is how to deal with the OW. She is someone very enmeshed in my children’s lives through a hobby they do. She’s not running the sessions but sometimes helps out as a volunteer. My children know her very well and her oldest daughter has even babysat for us in the past. I can’t pull my children out of this hobby, it’s a big part of their social circle and I help the organisers too with their newsletters and socials, I don’t want to leave them in the lurch. At the same time, I want her to back right off my children. She is married too and I am seriously considering threatening to expose her to get her to step away from this hobby and my kids. I have photo evidence of the sexting between her and my stbxh, there is no ambiguity in what they’ve been up to so if I were to make the messages public, her marriage would blow up and her reputation would be damaged. Am I crazy for considering using it as blackmail? How else would you deal with this?

I'm so sorry. It was the worst thing I had been through in my life and believe me on paper there should have been worse but this really damaged me.

I’d take her to one side at next event. Icy calm. With a smile that could shatter glass.

‘I’m divorcing him. You’re welcome to my trash but come near my children and I will come for you in ways you cannot imagine. Don’t test me on this - I have evidence of your affair’.

And then I’d walk away and not glance back in her direction. She doesn’t want her marriage to end - she’s getting off on the secrecy.

Freeing her up for ops husband? Are you serious? How can you pass on the blame to op here?

Ow husband has a right to know his wife is screwing around and op's selfish twat of a husband (hopefully soon to be ex) doesn't need "freeing up" he has already done what he wants with who he wants. Nothing op does will be to blame if they carry on or not. She wouldn't be freeing him up if she divorced him or told ow husband she would be setting herself free and possibly aps husband of a deadbeat husband and wife

Why is the OP and every poster here throwing all their hatred and vitriol on the OW when the OP's husband is the one who utterly broke her trust?

Why is everyone assuming she is the main responsible for the sexting? I would bet my hat it was the OP's husband who started and continued the cheating. Also, I think the OP is deluded if she thinks this is only an emotional affair.

OP, I would recommend you to deal with the disgusting human being you're still married to first. Get rid of him and let him destroy someone else's life. That woman is nothing to you, and attacking her will only bring you endless misery. Keep your head high, kick your husband to the kerb and move on with your life in the knowledge that you have never cheated or broken a vow. Your husband and the OW deserve each other.

OP do not threaten/blackmail her in writing - that is leaving yourself in a dangerous position.

If you do want to threaten her - do it verbally with no witnesses.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Your life will be better without him - you deserve so much better.

I'm unsure why this focus on her when the person who has betrayed you is your DH. What does he say about your children's contact with her?

This.
absolutely this

the OW is irrelevant here. The dh isn’t .

OP needs to have this out with her own DH. tell him what she wants (stop and counselling , seperate, divorce etc what it is she does want as outcome) AND he needs to talk to OW to get her to stop back form any involvement with dh or their children. That includes hobbies.
Not OPs circus to figure out how he achieves this. That his problem to sort as HE started it . Ok, it takes 2 to tango, but it would never have gained traction if he wasn’t willing to run with it.

however, ow may views this as “harmless fun” , depends on how graphic sexting was. And maybe not see any need to step back form hobby as she’s getting married, and doesn’t want a full affiar with DH. Agian not OP issue,

do not get involved with OW or her fiancé - it will backfire. It stoops to lowest denominator in OPs DHs mind. Whatever the outcome (counselling, divorce, or staying together) op needs to maintain a complete moral high ground here. If she starts to kick off and dh walks out into arms of OW the shit will hit the fan for everyone including all the kids involved.

this is between her and dh only.

The OW isn't irrelevant when she's inserting herself into the children's lives. That needs stopping, it's bloody creepy.

She's not inserting herself anywhere, she is a volunteer in a hobby the OP's children attend, which I suspect is how the husband met and got to know her. She was there before the children were.

I don't understand why the OP does not simply move her children to do their hobby somewhere else instead of starting a crusade to get the OW away from a place she has potentially volunteered for years. It is a pathway to utter disaster for the OP. The OP has no right to want the OW to stop doing her volunteering when it is the OP sending her children there.

This, all these suggestions other than this seem to be written by teenagers speaking of their first boyfriend or like an episode of EastEnders

Sure carry on like you 14 but how is this helping anyone's children in all this?

If they're sexting, it's not just an emotional affair.

I'd speak to her and tell her that the game is up and you would very much appreciate it if she kept her distance from now on, from you, and from your children. And ask her if she's going to show her husband the sexy text messages between your DH and her, or would she prefer you do it?

What you do with your DH is up to you, but your focus should be him and how he's compromised your DC and your family, not her. He's your biggest problem here.

Actually, we were there first. She turned up after covid, we’ve been going for over 8 years. She has absolutely inserted herself into our lives. She recently took me and my youngest on an outing (while having an affair with my husband but before I knew), she went out of her way to facilitate the babysitting with her daughter and based on the messages I have seen, she has been feeding back bits of conversations to my husband that I had with her under the guise of friendship. She is a very willing participant in this affair, trust me.
However, don’t think for one second that my husband is walking away from this blame free, I am taking all the steps to disentangle our lives. I am hoping we will be able to co-parent amicably in the future even if right now all I want to do is lash out. He is a disgrace of a man who was too cowardly to be honest with me about the fact he has fallen out of love with me ages ago. Instead of being honest, he has painted me as a villain in his mind while he is a martyr. I guess that was his way of absolving himself of guilt. All this while guilt tripping me about our lack of intimacy. I have also discovered in the process that he has been running massive debts, again because he was too cowardly to speak to me. I considered for a brief moment suggesting marriage counselling but I don’t think I could ever trust him again nor can I ever respect him again.
That said, my question here was specifically about the OW because while he has betrayed our wedding vows, she has betrayed my friendship while inserting herself in my children’s lives. I do not want her in their life if I can help it, especially when I see what she has bee saying about me to my stbxh. And if it means she has to leave the hobby, that’s on her, not me. Her kid only has a few months there until she’s too old anyway and they are certainly old enough that she doesn’t need to hang around (unlike mine who are littler)

OP, I strongly suspected there was much more to the story. I am so sorry, your pain shines clearly through your words.

Anything you try to do against the OW, though, will come back to bite you and will increase the pain, and its duration. Please believe me. It is really not worth it and nothing good will come off it. Your husband will team up with her, and she will likely make you look like the crazy wife to everyone else in that hobby group. Your children will pay the price too. Please leave her well alone, treat her like radioactive waste and get out of her life for good. Let her "keep" your husband if that's what she wants, in fact that's the best thing that can happen, and the one most likely to end up in both of them suffering in the long term.

My recommendation to you is to be completely cold and detached (act it even if you don't feel it). Act magnanimous. Let him go. Wrap him in gift paper with a bow and drop him at hers (figuratively, although if you have the right sense of humour you can try it literally). Treat her, if you ever have to minimally interact with her, with disdainfukl indifference. Start preparing your life as a single mum and don't expect anything from him, including anything regarding your children's care. Cheaters tend to forget everything about their "first family" and focus on the new and exciting relationship. Be ready and protect yourself and them, by getting them as far away from the mess as possible. Physically and emotionally.

DON'T fight her. You will lose.

A lot depends on what you think the future looks like for you. If you are planning on staying in the same country/area and getting divorced (and based on your update, that is what I would assume) then I would say - don’t wrestle with pigs. You’ll both get dirty and they’ll enjoy it.

It is easier and ‘safer’ to threaten your husband - he can tell her to stay away from the children or you will tell her husband and everyone at the activity yourself.

Immediately freeze her out. Be civil but essential war dispatches only, no chatting about the weather. Everyone will wonder what she has done and start to gossip. Your call as to whether you spread all the gory details around when they ask you or pretend to take the high road, be mysterious, and let everyone find out a few months down the line. (You’ll come out smelling like roses if you do the latter)

Sorry you are going through this, OP. He is a wanker and she is an absolute bitch trying to befriend you and then stab you in the back. (Normally, I reserve my ire for cheating spouses but I think her pretending to be your friend is seriously shitty too).

Right, OK then, based on what you say you want her to back off and get out of your, and your DC's lives. You've also concluded that you are done with your H and he will become an exH. But as a caring mother, you don't want to blow up her DC's lives.
I think yes, use the leverage you have, say it plain, "leave the hobby group or I will tell your DH". Then, give her the guilt she deserves and tell her that " we are separating, and you are the reason". If she tells her DH, that's on her. If she decides to split her family to be with your STBexH that is on her. Or she could welldecide to say nothing, leave quietly and keep her family in the dark - most likely as people who lack morals tend to be cowards also.

@jeannedarc, I am very sorry that you’re experiencing this trauma. Your STBX is indeed a lump of self-serving, conniving scum.

His carrying on an emotional and sexual affair while his Girlfriend intentionally enmeshes herself with your children and pursues a fake friendship with you is truly beyond the pale. They are both clearly morally bankrupt.

I would absolutely inform the hobby organizers about the affair and OW’s hidden agenda to embed herself in your children’s lives. Ask them to restrict her access to them.

Due to learning about H’s infidelity, you are now able to make appropriate choices and plans. Doesn’t OW’s H deserve to do the same? I would bring him out of the dark asap.

Again, I’m so sorry that your H has injured and betrayed you and the children. Keep posting for support, @jeannedarc.

I would hold my cards closer to my chest. I would inform her that should she come anywhere near my children I would forward the messages to her husband and the club and anyone else who may be interested

Hmmmmm5 · Today 18:46
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You risk ending her marriage...freeing her up for your husband.
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Maybe their marriage is open?

OP’s isn’t!

You do not need to be respectful of her.

Keep her away from your kids, and you. (Check she’s not messaging kids or on your kids SM)
Carefully tell kids the OW is not your friend, she has behaved badly and you are protecting them/family. Can say she is dishonest and liar. These things are true.

It’s ok to tell hobby organiser why you are leaving hobby hopefully to another provider.

It’s ok to tell whomever you want, you have no need to keep anything private.

You don’t need to cover for her.

Women like to know who the predatory OW women are.

What do they say - “Don’t do anything you don’t want everyone to know about”

I don't understand the "wreck her marriage and she'll go after your husband" logic at all. So fucking what? Surely you wouldn't want the bastard anyway?

I would tell her husband and the organisers, and ask that she be kept away from your children.

She has every right to hate the women as much as her husband.

I sometimes believe people on MN overestimate how much people carry about other people's marriages and affairs.

If the OW has forged a strong relationship with the club owners and they see her as important enough, they may end up wanting to keep her. And if she's shameless enough, she will stay.

More often than not the people around the cheats are aware of or at least suspect the affair and are ignoring it; so telling the club may not have the desired effect.

Speak to the OW. If your husband knows you know about the affair, she already knows too. Tell her you want her away from your children or you tell her husband. That's where you start.

Well how shit is this? They do what want,you n kids suffer, silence may well be complicit BUT nothing helps you if expose.

1. Dump him

Sorry, anything else is NOT good nuf for you or kids. HE not putchu "compromised "position has he. Not put Ur kids,their happiness,security in top priority.am horrible,so not first time said on here.When people treat you(esp kids) like u don't matter(to them). Believe them.

Ano that IS utter shite,not what you want, hope for.
Fuck them.do you.

As a PP said revenge is best served cold.
Tell DH he needs to inform her you know, and she is not to engage with you or your kids at the hobby. If her daughter will age out shortly then this is actually only a short term issue so no point going nuclear and disrupting your kids hobby.
If she speaks to you, blank her and don't engage. If she persists with engaging with the kids then tell the organisers in the most discrete way you can. Again the priority is your kids.
Sort out your DH - separate/divorce whatever but calmly. The truth will come out any way but your kids need to know at least one parent consistently put their needs first.