Ex denying husband seeing child

[Tryalilharder]

just that really. Husband’s ex girlfriend is denying him access to his child. We have gone through the courts, we pay over and above maintenance, we do everything we need to and should do. Meant to have child every Saturday. She messages the day before and says child isn’t going. This has been happening on and off for a long time but has got worse since myself and my husband got married and had a baby (and now have another on the way!).

what do you do in this situation?

So many people not reading the ops later posts.

The only thing she is prepared to offer is the child coming to the their house every Saturday, to play happy families with them all. No other day available and the h isn't allowed to go out 121 with his daughter.

The cat that got the cream eh?

You've gone from wringing your hands because he can't see her, to the timing for him to develop a supposedly much wanted relationship with one of his children isn't really great for you right now.

It's not about you.

It's not about your DH.

This is about a seven year old child being expected to want a relationship with a man who she sees once a week. Think about it, she spends about as much time with her brownies leader probably. She certainly has a better relationship with her teacher.

What are you expecting here? In practical and logistical terms even if you can't summon up the empathy to think of it in emotional terms for the child. What would sort this out? Or did you just want some backup that the ex is a bitch and your DH is a saint and you're Mary Poppins?

I agree and thank you @arethereanyleftatall

Op if the relationship has broken down with DH and the 7 year old, regardless of who is to blame, it's on him to be flexible and fix it. This is likely to mean letting 7yo express her views on where they go and for how long for a while. It will be more easily done not before new baby comes and you have two under 2.

Does he have phone calls in the week?

OP won't allow any of those things - read her follow up posts.

I feel very sorry for the OP thinking she hit the jackpot by snagging this sorry excuse for a father.

The thing is, she will learn in a few years when he leaves and starts a third family with a younger model while ignoring their children and claiming she's a crazy ex blocking contact, but he will probably never get his comeuppance. These men hop from one gullible woman to another, leaving a trail of damaged children in their wake, living their best selfish lives.

These are just making me laugh now that it’s turned on my marriage. As I’ve said before, if my husband leaves me there’s absolutely no hope for anyone and I sincerely mean that.

been in an abusive relationship before, have the scars to show for it, wouldn’t have gone near another man who would hurt me.

husband is an amazing man, a doting dad and the best husband I could’ve asked for. Don’t think I’ll be posting on mumsnet again. Came on asking for genuine advice and it’s turned on my marriage. But sure I’m just the latest gullible young notch on his bedpost. Grow up.

He's not a doting dad though is he? He's a very part time, fair weather dad. If he can do it to one kid, he can do it to the rest.

Not all mothers want their children to have a relationship with their dad no matter how hard they try.
My brother had years of his ex changing the goal posts , ignoring court orders and alienating their children to score points.
Now years later he has a good relationship with one son who left home and later saw from afar he had been fed a pack of lies growing up. The other two sadly still only answer his calls when they want something - they are in their twenties .

Some mums just like to cause chaos and points

I’m wondering what happened in this past relationship, that the father was awarded one day a week?
Is he that invested in the child that he only wants to take the child out for a day?

No wonder the child doesn’t want to go, he’s a stranger.

When a child doesn’t want to go, what can this mother do, if her child gets so worked up and refuses.
I’m sure this mother would welcome a break and a few hours off.

Surely, this man and his new family should be seeking some kind of mediation to reconcile. Rather than dragging this poor woman to court.

Paying child maintenance should be a given and not a weapon to demanding access, no matter the amount paid.

Not the words I bet this poster wanted to hear, but the child’s mother will be forever the most important person in that child’s life.
The more you drag her through the courts, the more that child will wear her stress.

What about the wellbeing of the child?

As a mother, could you imagine handing over your beloved child, to someone who they don’t know or want to go with and insisting they do. Someone who hasn’t put in the work with weekday calls, good morning or goodnight messages. Little reminders the kids in his thoughts. 💭
No, neither can I.

Did you not do any work on recognising red flags and poor behaviour after escaping your previous abusive relationship? The Freedom Programme is often recommended. It's very worrying that you think this man is a doting father - with perception that warped you are very vulnerable to more abuse.

I'm actually sorry for you now op, as well as the 7yo. Youve been in an abusive relationship, so your bar is set at 'won't hurt me' (presumably you mean physically). I wish you the best of luck, I'm out for now, it's pointless as it's falling on deaf ears. I would advise you save this thread somewhere though for the future.

It's his first child, not a lawnmower he wants to borrow.

He needs to make amendments to his life, whether he's got a new wife who is pregnant and doesn't really want him to, to make himself available for her.

That needs to be the emphasis, he is there for her should she wish. Not, ex girlfriend must make child available for him when suits you.

You've got it backwards. A relationship with a child isn't something that you're entitled to or that £4k of fees can buy. It's a long game, it needs to be built and worked for, and prioritised and one day a week isn't it.

Op I do have sympathy for you as this is a situation not of your making. I also think jumping to conclusions about your husband being abusive are not helpful and clearly wrong as has been explained due to being based in NI.

where I do lack sympathy is that I do feel the 7 year old is not being put first. for whatever reason your husband chose to take a one day - no over night stay arrangement. This may have been for convenience or to keep peace with the mother but did not put her first. Any judge would have allocated overnight stays to a father to a one year old. Also - you haven’t mentioned holidays? How does that work? You now have a situation where she hasn’t gotten used to overnight stays and they aren’t part of her routine and are therefore difficult. She is also probably starting to be of the age where there are lots of parties, classes ect on a Saturday and spending it in a car is not going to be an attractive option. I personally would have hated that at this age! Maybe the mother has been a factor in it, maybe not. We only have your side of the story to best kept to facts.

I would suggest that the two parents have a grown up conversation about what going forward could look like. Maybe drop the ‘crazy ex’ label and treat her solely as the primary parent. Ask her opinion and input - she knows the child better. Other posters saying that DH could go to her, spend some quality 1.1 time EOW - maybe take her to parties or to a class. I get that it’s not convenient for you - but I have zero sympathy for this. When you marry a man with a child you sign up to make sacrifices. You could build up to overnight stays - even taking her on a holiday that she could be excited about and help plan.

good luck op - I hope you can find a way forward so that all the children are happy and supported and can have a great sibling relationship.

I'm not doubting your relationship, OP, however I'm really confused as to how you can call him a 'doting dad' when he doesn't appear to care about all his children. You CAN see that doesn't make sense, can't you? Because if you can't, then perhaps you also can't see the reality of your marriage.

I think these answers are really unfair to the OP - people have to work and can't just up end their lives and follow an ex who has moved away! He still has to pay his child support and not all jobs are flexible.
There is such a thing a parental alienation and it sounds like the ex has done this to her child.

OP - keep taking it back to court and fight for increased access. I'd go for 50/50 on the grounds of parental alienation and go for arrest if ex doesn't comply with the court order.

The fact that you've been in a previously abusive relationship makes this all the more sad, really.

Your husband is no prince - you don't see it yet, but you will - and then you'll be on here wondering why he only bothers with your kids one day a week and blaming his new younger girlfriend for it.

Tis a tale as old as time.

Good men don't abandon their kids:

Did you miss all of OP's posts where she won't let him go and see his daughter alone? All contact has to be with her present, under her roof and with their joint children.

@coffeesaveslives the OP is pg and has a one year old. It's not unreasonable to expect her step child to come to her house, where she has a good time (when allowed to visit).
If mum hasn't blocked access this wouldn't be an issue now

It is unreasonable when the step child isn't used to it. The relationship with the existing child needed to be built/repaired before a new wife and kids came onto the scene. A second baby, while there's another kid already struggling was foolish and selfish - why do people insist on having more children when they can't adequately parent the ones they've already got? OP will have to sacrifice her Saturdays if either of them care about this girl - sadly seems they don't.

The OP being pregnant and having a child is not the choice of the first child. She can not be expected to do the mental and emotional calculations that this requires at her age. The running and compromise needs to be done by her father, he is the adult.

Having children requires that you put them first. Having children with someone who already has a child with someone else, even more so. There's a reason step parents get a bad rap and it's the inability to realise that you weren't first. You're never going to be first. You need to learn to co exist and behave like an adult, and put your ego aside. Putting a bed in a spare room and calling it sorted isn't going to work, kids aren't stupid, they can read a room better than most adults can.

We only have OP's word that it's the ex blocking access.

Look at it from the 7yo's viewpoint - her parents split up and six months later, daddy has a new girlfriend and has enough time to get married and have two new children, but only enough time to see her once a week.

And that once is a week is time that she's expected to share with his new wife and kids - she can't even get a few hours with her dad alone.

Of course what OP is demanding is unreasonable - she should have thought about all this before having two babies with someone who has an existing child.

How about the mother taking some responsibility for causing this issue on the first place.

Do you know the mother personally? That's a leap if not.

The child doesn't want to go to their house, the 7yr old is entitled to spend 1 on 1 time with her father, OP is a pregnant adult she can manage one day a week without her husband.

I'm not saying the child should never have time with the dad. But the child also has a whole family to get to know, including siblings and OP says she has a good time when she does visit.

I can see how this happened tbh - child was a baby when mum and dad split, dad agreed not to take a baby away from her mum (at mums request). Dad then meets someone else, which puts mums nose out of joint and now mum wants dad to just disappear altogether.
A dad who doesn't give a shit, doesn't go to court and spend thousands.

Of course we only have OPs word - that's how MN works