Ex denying husband seeing child

[Tryalilharder]

just that really. Husband’s ex girlfriend is denying him access to his child. We have gone through the courts, we pay over and above maintenance, we do everything we need to and should do. Meant to have child every Saturday. She messages the day before and says child isn’t going. This has been happening on and off for a long time but has got worse since myself and my husband got married and had a baby (and now have another on the way!).

what do you do in this situation?

He needs to dial it right back to basics and be consistent and calm and focus on what his goal is, which should be offering his daughter the chance of a relationship with him.

There is no need to be jumping up and down and shouting about solicitors and whipping up the drama recounting stories about other people's situations.

Your involvement isn't necessary. His DC doesn't want to fit into your happy family, that might not be possible in this case, too much water may have gone under the bridge but if you love him you will support him with the time and space he needs in order to play the long game with this, and do the best he can for her.

To do otherwise and then say it's all a bit difficult and it's all her fault lacks self reflection and is disingenuous in the extreme.

wtf is he actually meant to do? Also I am his family as much as his daughter as are my children. I’ll say it again, I am NOT the reason she doesn’t want to come. She’s known me her whole life. her dad taking her out on her own would make absolutely no difference whatsoever. I’m not the issue ffs.

If it was convenient for her she wouldn’t be blocking access would she?

You have said plenty of times he can’t/ won’t do more. You don’t want him to do more. You and your husband want to see the child only on your own terms.

Why are you involved at all? The child doesn’t want to go with her Dad, why can he not go over alone?

and don’t say ‘we offered that’, why were you turning up at all? He is trying to hold a relationship with his child, let him have time alone with his child.

As I said, the ex could be an arse. But I don’t think your husband (or you) have helped this situation at all.

All this ‘well we both work’ and ‘well I am pregnant’ is just excuses. Plenty of people work and manage to be there for their kids. Even those of us who work in very senior roles. It’s never not been practical for me to be there for my kids.

Yes the mother is perfect and the child should take preference. Honestly I hope no one else finds themselves looking geniune advice off this shitstorm of a site.

I would love to hear the mother's side to this.
Dad was too busy with work to have daughter more than one day per week, mother has to move closer to her family for the support that's missing from the dad, new girlfriend comes along so child never gets that one day a week alone with dad, dad marries girlfriend and has a baby, child feels like she doesn't belong so refuses to go to dad's...

My last post: I don’t want the child here more, probably be better for everyone if the mother just makes sure contact stops all together and we can all move on!

What do you mean wtf is he supposed to do. He goes and sees her on Saturdays. You can see him the other 6 days of the week. You don't have to spend every moment glued to his side. I don't understand why you are taking such issue with this. You can have your family day on sunday.

But you said earlier she is a bit wary of you when she first arrives. Then relaxes.

But if she is wary at first, then you need to let them spend time alone. You are his family. That doesn’t mean you need to be there.

It’s not that you don’t get it. It’s that you don’t want to. You can’t see this from a child’s perspective, or the perspective of someone who has been left to do the parenting. Your focus is your marriage and your child, which is fair enough. But it means you aren’t looking at the situation from a point of view that’s helpful.

What do you mean "we already offered this"?
Too little, too late

And there we have it.

Usually not rocket science, is it.

Although to be fair you could have saved yourself £4k by being honest in the first place. We live and learn.

Why ON EARTH did you go too when he was due to have contact time with his child?

That is so gobsmackingly selfish.

You have him all to yourself all week and couldn't allow his 7 year old daughter to have him by herself for a few hours.

That poor poor girl is going to need some counselling when she's older to work out why her daddy didn't put her first. Ever.

I'm not remotely surprised she wouldn't get in the car if you were in it. Her little heart must have broken when she saw you in the car. Again. Ffs.

You are deeply insecure and are thus sabotaging a relationship for him with your competitor for his attention. Who is 7yo. Which is abhorrent.

Couldn't you just stay at home on Saturday and let dad do the drive see his eldest for 1 on 1 time? You're working all week so enjoy your child. Sunday and weekday evenings you can have your husband all to yourself.

It might not be nice having the mirror held up but I can imagine your presence is antagonising to the ex and by extension her child. You think you've won over her in some sense by being the better earner, by being younger, and now by snatching up her ex who never put the effort in for her or her child as he does you and your children. Great for you, but I'm sure this drips off every interaction you have with her the same way it drips off each of your posts!

For the sake of the eldest child just dial it all back to the basics. Dad and daughter spend the one day together - everyone else needs to get their feelings and egos OUT of the way. You and the ex.

I swear it baffles me, BAFFLES ME, why people put themselves into relationship with people who already have children and then have the ego to support the belief that they are simply so lovable that their partners love for them will and should transcend the love they have for their existing child. It's main character syndrome to the abolute hilt, it's so dysfunctional, and the sad thing is that there are kids out there thinking that somehow it's their fault. All the while the solicitors are banking the cash. Gross.

Who said the mother is perfect?

There’s likely at least some fault on all sides.

You are the one that needs to accept that some of that fault lies with you and your partner.

and since you don’t want the child there more AND won’t let him see the child without you, you and uk. Are a large part of the issue.

And honestly, it sounds like you don’t trust him or are jealous of any time this child might ever get. Which doesn’t sound like a particular happy marriage. Especially not a marriage so happy it doesn’t compare to any other marriage there ever has been.

I was slow typing so missed the last few pleasant posts from the op.

Actually, this site is wonderful support to the women who need it.
But indeed, not so much for the adults who should hang their heads in shame.

If you don't want to be in a relationship with someone with a child and support their relationship with that child, and accept all the inconveniences that come with it, then you leave well alone, or live with the fact that you are responsible for the damage you cause.

If you didn't get what you needed when you were a child, don't go looking for it from somebody elses daddy as an adult.

'If you didn't get what you needed when you were a child, don't go looking for it from somebody elses dad as an adult.'

This. Absolutely this. The op is in competition with a child for the dads/husbands attention.

I would love to get the child’s mother version of events.

I think Op has an issue with jealousy of the child but also jealousy that she isn’t the only mother of his children and feels jealousy towards the ex.

The (not so good Dad) is happy to go along with this attitude.

ex family law paralegal here. Take it back to court, the situation won’t resolve itself. Keep records of what should have happened, the excuses. Screenshot everything. Take it to a judge, it’s a long process to enter again but it’s what the other party will respond to.

But you've said multiple times that you ARE the issue to his ex, and she's the one putting road blocks in place. I'm not saying she's being right or fair, but if he went on his own to take his daughter out, would his ex still be the same? From what you've said, he hasn't tried that? He must be desperate to see his daughter, surely he wants to try whatever he can to start seeing her again?

No wonder the 7yr old is wary of you, she probably sees you for what you are.

I wonder what your soul mate (😂) of a husband would think if he knew this about you.. not that he's much better.

If your husband wants a meaningful relationship with his child, he needs to go for EOW as a minimum and iron out the logistical difficulties to picking her up and dropping her off from school. After-school club, requesting flex working, a babysitter, family and friends helping, whatever... but he needs to figure out a way to sort it as indeed many separated parents all over the country do.

If he isn't interested in a meaningful relationship, he should drop it and let the child and her mother enjoy their Saturdays in peace doing birthday parties, hobbies and the usual things people do with 7yo children.

I would also be miffed if someone was mithering me and upsetting my child every Saturday so we couldn't ever just have a peaceful weekend.

But the first one has the least of him!

As far as she's concerned she barely knows him

He has an equal duty to ALL of his children -sadly not all of them are yours - and I'm afraid you really should suck that up