Ex denying husband seeing child

[Tryalilharder]

just that really. Husband’s ex girlfriend is denying him access to his child. We have gone through the courts, we pay over and above maintenance, we do everything we need to and should do. Meant to have child every Saturday. She messages the day before and says child isn’t going. This has been happening on and off for a long time but has got worse since myself and my husband got married and had a baby (and now have another on the way!).

what do you do in this situation?

£4k in court costs over 7 years is hardly a fortune. Particularly if, as OP says, they are such high earners. He could have tried a hell of a lot harder. But a new family, with a compliant wife is easier isn't it?

Compliant?

Perhaps compliant isn't the right word - happy for him to continue to ignore his oldest child.

A dad who gives a shit doesn't let work schedules and distance and a new wife who's pregnant and doesn't want to be left alone for the day get in the way of a relationship with his first child. Throwing £4 and holding your hands up, which let's face it is the cost of a family holiday and insignificant to two high earners, isn't going to solve the issue.

Honestly, if men pursued relationships with their children with half the fervour and determination and enthusiasm they pursued new romantic relationships, can you imagine the results?

The thing is, whether she has a good time or not is neither here nor there, really.

OP is blocking contact by insisting her husband is always with her at weekends and not allowing any kind of contact away from her house and children.

This is a 7yo who, even when contact is regular, barely gets more than a few hours a week with her dad. That's shameful no matter how it came about - and imo the adults in this scenario should be doing all they can to enable contact, even if it's not in the way they'd like it to happen.

I’m not going over it again. He’s not ignoring. The mum only wants one day a week, I’m not going to pretend it’s not convenient for us too because it is. The child doesn’t want to go at all. The mum has always fought us going for more claiming it’s unfair on the child. My honest opinion is she doesn’t want her child playing happy families with mine and tbh I do get that but my husband misses that time with his child too.

How about the father takes responsibility for not bothering with his first born and allowing his new wife to dictate what happens on contact weekends?

I’m not blocking contact at all.

So what's your conundrum OP?

@Tryalilharder yes you are - by insisting your husband has to be with you at weekends.

Why can't he go and take his daughter out for a few hours on a weekend by himself? The fact that you have a child and a baby on the way shouldn't really impact his time with his oldest daughter.

It should not matter a jot whether it is convenient. If either of you cared about her, you would make it happen. Good parents do whatever it takes - you're a grown woman, you can cope without your husband for a day. He can't be arsed and that suits you.

That his ex is messaging to say child doesn’t want to go and if he arrives to get the child she’ll phone the police

We both work full time as well as he has a couple of late evenings through work also. It’s a myth to say my child gets him during the week, it’s not as black and white as that. Plus we are a family and in all she’s known, it’s not unreasonable for him to take her here and I’m not the reason she doesn’t want to come; when she does come he ends up having a great time. I could see it if she didn’t want to come because of me or the baby but that’s not the case

@Tryalilharder the thing is, the fact that you both work full-time etc. is totally irrelevant to a 7yo child who is missing out on her dad.

I'm not entirely surprised mum is reluctant to encourage contact when it seems like your DH can't really be arsed and needs you there as support every time he has his daughter.

I'm sorry you've had such an awful reception on mumsnet - you seem to both be trying hard for his daughter and it must be awful. I don't know the legal ins and outs but calling the police should not end up hurting you so maybe call her bluff if you can on that. Then, unfortunately, its going back to court and getting them to penalise her for not respecting the custody arrangements. At some point as I understand it actively trying to kill of the relationship with the other parent can even be grounds for her losing custody - but either way worth talking to a lawyer who will have seen this loads before and be able to explain how to address it.

So he should go anyway - it's his court agreed contact time, isn't it? She'd be shooting herself in the foot.

I can't help think that there's more to this than meets the eye OP. Why would she phone the police if he turned up to take her for an ice cream and a walk for an hour, and he was emotionally safe and there was no history of anything untoward?

A couple of hours to yourself isn't going to make you phone the police unless there's more going on here, it doesn't make sense.

He needs to offer to see her on her turf. If you block this by insisting he bring her back to your house because that's what YOU want, you're causing the issue. Does that make sense?

You need to hands off it, and let him do what he needs to do and zip your lip on the matter, or, be honest that it's all a bit inconvenient and you don't see her as equal to your children. You married a man with a child. You need to make the accommodations, and prioritise the child and his relationship with her if it's truly important to you. If it's not, and the once a week thing is pretty convenient, because you're pregnant and busy, they be honest. You can't fit a square peg into a round hole. You can't pull a relationship with a child out of the cupboard and put it away again when it's convenient for you. It won't fit round work schedules, it won't take mileage into consideration.

You seem to be lacking a big chunk of understanding.

Thank you. I’m waiting on the ‘this definitely didn’t happen’ but I swear down on my child’s life it did. We went to see the solicitor recently enough again and I actually was annoyed he told my husband this story but I understand why he did. He’s a family law solicitor and told us about a recent case he had that went on and off for 10 years. Very similar to me and my husband, his client split from his ex when the child was young and everything was just ok until he met someone else, she kept saying the child didn’t want to go, his client kept running back to the solicitor, kept bringing his ex to court etc, genuinely tried his best and the solicitor said he was distraught at the way things were going. He ended going to court either 5 or 6 times I can’t exactly remember and in the end when the child was 10 they asked the child what they wanted and he said he didn’t want the drama anymore and he didn’t go to the dads anymore.

no the dad wasnt abusive, he genuinely tried his best and in the end he lost his son anyway. Solicitor told us this because he said to my husband this case is going the same way. An interesting parallel between the two stories is that Everytime the ex had a boyfriend, contact with dad was no bother; we’ve experienced the exact same.

I promise this is all not just as black and white as some other people think

I swear I’ve been there when we have turned up anyway and we’ve been met with ‘I’ll call the police if you don’t leave’. We went up once at the scheduled time and they weren’t there so we went back an hour later and she said the same again.

honestly no other back story or drip feeding or anything I’m leaving out. Sometimes the mum can just want the dad out of the picture. I can’t imagine being like that but then again I don’t know how I would react if me and my husband broke up

Could you maybe drop down a level from what the adults are doing and who's paying what to the solicitors, to what the child needs? Would that help?

How about if he arranges to go without you, take her for an ice cream and have her back in half an hour? I'm not saying this is not a difficult situation, but turning up with you in the car when you know the general feeling on this, was never going to end well?

We already offered this and it was ignored.

This is not a "we" situation. To be fair you rolling up to the house in the car is only ever going to antagonise things. This is him trying to forge a relationship with his child. If he wants it, he will have to prioritise it and make it happen. But that means you and your child get deprioritised. You need to decide if you want to make this easier or harder for him. Don't add to the shitshow and then act surprised.

@Tryalilharder, you need to step back and let the actual Mother and Father of this poor child work this out. You weren't there, had absolutely no part in this child's conception or birth and have absolutely no say in any of this. It doesn't matter that he's your Husband now! This little girl is THEIR child, not yours.

My Daughter's Dad had a long term partner who's nose was constantly in our business with custody arrangements. We were managing along pretty fine before she came on the scene and turned it into utter chaos. Her Dad was lazy and self centered a lot of the time but a decent Dad when they were together. He was quite happy for girlfriend to take the lead and call me to arrange contact. Our flexible arrangement wasn't up to her and she had nothing to do with it! Much like you don't in regards to your Husband's contact. Our Daughter needed one on one time with her Dad, just like your Husband's Daughter does! My Daughter was thrust into this woman's family and would return home stressed out, overwhelmed and upset.

The simple fact that you're the one who started this thread rather than your 'doting Dad' Husband makes me feel as if you're the majority of the problem. If he was truly arsed about seeing his Daughter it would be HIM posting a thread seeking advice.

Forget "we offered", does he try? If she doesn't want you as involved, you need to respect that for now for the sake of the child. He goes and spends time with his child. You find something else to do.