Ex denying husband seeing child

[Tryalilharder]

just that really. Husband’s ex girlfriend is denying him access to his child. We have gone through the courts, we pay over and above maintenance, we do everything we need to and should do. Meant to have child every Saturday. She messages the day before and says child isn’t going. This has been happening on and off for a long time but has got worse since myself and my husband got married and had a baby (and now have another on the way!).

what do you do in this situation?

That's nothing. My divorce cost me 4x that.
If he can afford to start another family, he can afford to get a decent solicitor.
One day per week is not enough contact either. The minimum would be eow. He has to find a way to make that work around his job

Don't be too smug, OP, two children close together is hard work & it sounds like you already find one difficult.
I hope you don't find yourself in the ex girlfriend's position but I don't think you should be so smug and certain that you have it all sewn up, you have a long way to go yet.
And that ten year age gap will become more of an issue as time goes on too.

Sounds to me like parental alienation. Going back to court is your only option. I would find a barrister with expertise in parental alienation. There will likely be groups on Facebook and maybe even local ones to you which will have useful info including recommended lawyers. There are also options whereby contact and arrangements are done through a court app or 3rd party organisation. That might be best as then your husband can arrange contact and liaise about it without fear of accusations about unwanted contact.

Sarcasm? Surely you’re not suggesting just one Saturday a month with his daughter will resolve the situation?? And only half a day a month one on one, which amounts to 6 full days per year? 🙄 wow…

You’ve been bundled on a lot which I think is unfair however I don’t think you are taking constructive criticism onboard.
Your DP needs to build a meaningful relationship with his first born child before you can ever become a blended family.
You knew he had a child before you had yours & therefore whilst it may be difficult to “lose” your partner for a whole day, the reality is you have him for the other 6.
Please think about this child who is a relative stranger to a family unit, being forced to see - this is what you could have had.
Theyre only 7, if they have time to build a meaningful relationship with Dad Im sure you could gradually introduce them into your family & they will be a loving older sibling to their half brother/sisters.
wishing you best of luck.

Aah, yes, you're still an idiot.

You've been given some excellent advice on this thread - grow up and learn from it.

Look at it this way, he has a child (you only have 1 together, your other child isn't here yet) and this pathetic excuse of a man can rationalise only having his firstborn for 1 day, 1 DAY a week. Your offspring will be no different because he's already shown you his worth as a father. You're not extra special, neither is your existing child with him.

Your defensiveness on this thread has shown that a lot of posters have hit a nerve with you. Let's hope for your sake, your child never goes through the sake thing.

@Tryalilharder

She can ring the police if he turns up but they can't stop him taking the child he has 50/50 PR and court ordered contact.

I'd go to a solicitor and get a letter sent about enforcing contact.

Courts don't take lightly contact being restricted and I've recently seen situations where live with order have been given to non- resident parents due to contact being restricted through bribes etc. Could another family member of DH collect DD from school on a Friday for weekend contact every other? I think the only way to resolve this is unfortunately returning to court but I would do as soon as possible for an enforcement order and more contact.

Not necessarily, Tryallharder, It does sound as though your husband's ex is deliberately being awkward. I feel for him.

I wonder why she is like that, is she jealous of your apparently happy home, nuclear family? After a marriage break up some people cannot move on, they harbour resentment towards the other party. They also fear losing their child or children's affection if the grass looks greener.

It might be better, and this is only a suggestion because obviously I don't know any of you, if your husband visited his daughter for a day on his own every so often. The ex might wear that. He could take the child out somewhere, have lunch and that sort of thing, and sit and talk to, play with, her in her home. It all depends on whether there can be civility between the parents.

When the little girl is older it's likely she will want to come to yours and stay for a while in the holidays, no court would stop that but it doesn't seem to be on the cards right now.

Just thoughts. The important thing is that a 7 year old is not stressed by the situation between her parents, bless herr.

Don't fight in the courts any more, that doesn't seem to achieve anything in this case and is terribly expensive. The girl will know later on that her dad and you tried your best,

Good luck to you all.

They have been split 6 years, you have been with him 5.5 years. Originally, you said it just wasn’t practical for him to do 50:50 when they first split. And in that 6 months he took her to court to fight for one a day per week? Essentially, a few hours. And spent 4k on that. So it wasn’t that 50:50 wasn’t practical, it was that she stopped him seeing the child straight away? He wouldn’t have gone to court if she was allowing him to see the child. So whether it was practical or not wouldn’t matter? Or was it that he wanted to see the child as and when it suited him and she wasn’t having it? So he took her to court? Was he going for more?

and everyone he went to court after that he didn’t ask for more, like every other weekend?

Have you or he ever thought that actually that’s a massive pain in the arse for the mother and possibly the child? Can’t ever do anything together on a Saturday. Can’t make plans, only on a Sunday.

Or the child is tired after a week of school but can’t have a lazy day because she is expected to be up and spend the day out and about with her Dad. Every single week. These are just examples but just because it suits your husband it doesn’t mean it suits the other 2 people involved.

You live too far that he can’t possibly have the child more than a few hours on Saturdays. But not too far that he can’t pick her up, drive her back to your house for a few hours and then drive her back. Perhaps the child doesn’t enjoy 2 long car journeys, in one day, to spend time with her Dads new family. Maybe it just doesn’t work for the child.

I am sure your husband is a great father to your child. I am sure that you are the best suited and most in love couple there ever has been (you must be if you think you splitting means there’s no hope for anyone else) and he is a wonderful husband. But you have to admit you are only seeing this from his and your point of view. Which is impacted by the fact that you clearly don’t like her.

She could be just awful. And if she is he needs to go back to court. But there’s also a good chance that he is a massive part of the problem. Doing very little and wanting it on his own terms. And excusing the reason he can’t do much with ‘just not practical’. Being a single parent doing the majority of the week isn’t really practical either. But she did it.

The child is getting to an age where their opinion could impact the outcome. It’s great your husband went to court. And if she asks, he can prove he fought to see her. But he would only be able to prove that he only wanted to see her a few hours a week because it wasn’t practical for him. That’s not great.

The reality is if he wants to have a relationship with his DD than he probably needs to do this for while. Yes that's hard on you, but his other kids get him 6 days a week and while he might be being a good dad to his younger 2 he is not putting his DDs needs first even for a single day of the month. Four days a month, 48 days a year, its not good enough that he won't put her first for those few days every year. If you're going to stick to your position which it very much then he needs an alternative, like 2 nights a week he takes her to dinner or the park or something after school. And no if he says he can't prioritise her on those measly 48 days a year and he won't look for a different job so he can see her after school than he is a absolutely not a good dad to his DD.

I absolutely dont think what his ex is doing is ok, but that doesn't absolve him in this. He needs to find a way to see his DD alone for a few hours each week and rebuild that relationship and then he needs to go back to court for every other weekend plus a midweek after school, and no there isn't a valid excuse why he cant pick her up on Fridays and have her for the weekend. He's her dad, he needs to find a way to make it work like millions of seperated parents do. Even my selfish lazy ex wouldn't settle for only seeing his children on a Saturday with no overnights.

Not true.
If the ex is preventing access he cannot drag her from the house.

As I have said once my dh grew up and his dm who had prevented access was no longer able to contrail him, my dh had a wonderful relationship with his dad

I clearly said in my previous comments how to do this. Turning up at her events, engaging in activities in her home town. I clearly stated nobody would support or permit man handling. I think you have missed some of the comments.

Unfortunately though the law can mandate handover usually at end of school day. I have seen this enforced in other UK jurisdictions.

Maybe the DD genuinely doesn't want to go? Babies are not that interesting to a child that age. It could be her mother is following her lead, rather than alienating her.

@Marblesbackagain
I appreciate your reply
But my mil would have stamped any contact attempted.
She was so bitter he actually told dh his dad had died at one point
She always said she never ever had maintenance (she did)
I feel sad dh missed out on so many years.
He loved his mum very much but he deserved his dad too.
I think if people knew how it affected the kids they wouldn't fight like this.

I agree with this. Especially the bit that’s says:

Have you or he ever thought that actually that’s a massive pain in the arse for the mother and possibly the child? Can’t ever do anything together on a Saturday. Can’t make plans, only on a Sunday.

Or the child is tired after a week of school but can’t have a lazy day because she is expected to be up and spend the day out and about with her Dad. Every single week. These are just examples but just because it suits your husband it doesn’t mean it suits the other 2 people involved.

@Tryalilharder Instead of going to court to force access to be on dh’s and your terms, try a little flexibility.

I wouldn’t want to lose every single Saturday with my child. Especially once they are at school. The original agreement isn’t working now. Not one pp of yours has shown that you and dh are willing to be flexible, to compromise or modify the original agreement. Perhaps this rigidity is the real issue.

FWIW even when I was pregnant, then having a newborn I could go a whole day without dp (even though he was working long hours full time) so that dp could travel a long distance to spend one on one time with his son. So, I am not buying your stance on limiting your dh from spending a day with his first child just because you have a baby and are pregnant and you both work.

So in a nutshell-

You are an amazingly high earner, whereas ex is a scumbag who only rents and gets legal aid cause she's poor

You are a wife and she was only ever a girlfriend, because he didn't want that with her but wanted that with you because you are just SO amazing

You have the best most amazing loving perfect relationship in the ENTIRE world

She's bitter because he didn't love her or want her the way he loves and wants you because you are just so brilliant and amazing

She's jealous of your perfect nuclear family

You are younger so she's possibly jealous of that as well

You're just simply AMAZING and this is allll because she's jealous and bitter

Have you ever stopped to think your attitude shows through? You haven't been able to hide it very easily here! No wonder the poor little girl doesn't want to go to her Dads house!

Yea and wasn't practical to do 50/50 when they split but he had time to find a new girlfriend and spend time with her building a relationship 6 months later

He could have spent that time building a relationship with his daughter

Yes, this.
Whichever way you look at it, it doesn't sound like he put his child first. His priority was clearly finding a new partner.

Well, your true colours are certainly coming through now 😳

I feel so sorry for his daughter who has basically been chucked to the side for you and your precious little family.

Maybe one day he'll do the same thing to you and you'll realise precisely where his ex is coming from.

He's a shit dad.

Yes, this.
Whichever way you look at it, it doesn't sound like he put his child first. His priority was clearly finding a new partner

OP is going to say well mum didn't want her going more than 1 day a week or staying overnight when they split.

But he still could have focused on that for 6 months to a year, asked for more days or overnights from age 2 (like normal people do!) and built up the relationship from there.

Instead he's going to claim it just wasn't "practical"... being a parent isn't practical! Myself and my partner have have to change jobs, working hours, rearrange our lives for our children... it's what you do.

Sounds like he agreed in court to one day a week no overnights, if he wanted more he would have asked. Must have suited him.

He went off and made a new family and just expects this poor little girl to just fit into that now, something she never asked for

I think, in fairness to the Op, it can be about perspective and bias. She loves this man. She sees him with her child. She can’t possibly believe he could be to blame for how things are working out. Because to accept that, she has to accept he could do it to their children.

I am sure Op can’t imagine being more invested in one of her children and less in the other. She can’t imagine being less interested in one of her own children. So she believes he couldn’t possible feel that way. It’s entirely normal to be biased towards the one you love.

The problem becomes when the narrative is twisted. We got told she decided to move away. Why not move further away when all he wants is a few hours one day a week? Thats what he applied for before the child started school because it wasn’t practical.

Nows it too far for it to be practical to do anymore than a few hours on a Saturday. So the ex moving changed nothing. More than a few hours in a Saturday was never practical for him. So why not move?

But it’s also not that far the ops husband has done (and willing to) drive all the way to his child’s home, bring the child back to his for a short stay then Drive the child home and then come home again. it’s not that far that Op and her husband haven’t questioned whether that’s actually fair on the child. 2 long car journeys to spend the day with their Dad, his wife who she barely knows and their child that gets to live (by ops account) an affluent lifestyle with the child’s own dad there all the time, while they get a few hours on a Saturday.

Its became a situation where the child isn’t being thought about at all. It’s about how unfair it is on the Dad that he isn’t getting exactly what he wants and what suits his new family.

When your DH and ex split, their child was 1yr old, and not possible for 50/50 as child is attached to Mum until 3yrs. My son was 3.5yrs when he stayed over at his dad's. But in that time your DH Ex moved away from your area, how far away? A friend of mine Ex did the same (160 miles) not possible for a weekend day, so child goes during the holidays. It's better than nothing.

Works with kids...but apparently doesn't understand them at all, because what he has offered his own kid is pisspoor and designed to work around the needs of his job and his new family - and not her needs - and he's totally surprised by the outcome of that being a poor relationship with his child. It takes more than one day a week to build a parent/child relationship - they aren't automatic just because of a title. Again - works with kids, should know that. If he wants that, he needs to invest more TIME, not more money.

I'm stunned anyone who "works with kids ffs" would not prioritise their own - rather than agree just 1 day a week from the get go, and not fight to increase it.

So I would suggest doing a polite but firm email expressing concerns
Saying that she has a right to quality time with her dad
Staying the things daughter has said about dad and expressing concern on the impact this has on her
Asking if there is anything they can work on together to get child more comfortable eg a shorter local day out next time instead of going to the house, or husband bringing the baby to the big daughters area and showing baby around the local park etc.
then offer mediation or family therapy if no answer.

Ex could also talk to the safeguarding lead at school about this for advice

I'm guessing that as the op and her husband work 9-5 Mon-Fri and they've been together 6 years; that he made the decision early on to neglect his daughter and prioritise his new relationship one day of a weekend. Something decent parents would never do.