Ex denying husband seeing child

[Tryalilharder]

just that really. Husband’s ex girlfriend is denying him access to his child. We have gone through the courts, we pay over and above maintenance, we do everything we need to and should do. Meant to have child every Saturday. She messages the day before and says child isn’t going. This has been happening on and off for a long time but has got worse since myself and my husband got married and had a baby (and now have another on the way!).

what do you do in this situation?

Yes child has their own bed but doesn’t stay. I wanted to make sure they felt part of the house was hers..

child was only 1 when split and still being bottle fed. Mum didn’t want her away from her anymore than that which as a mum myself I understand

With all due respect the mum moved away from us (she’s rents, we are homeowners) and he can’t just change jobs. Staying nearby? He has a baby and a pregnant wife at home.

Why never any overnights?

So he has no good reason for not having had his child 50;50, just that he cant be arsed ?

Very strange choice to have 2 more children when you can't afford to go to court or cut down works hours to see the child you already have.

Child doesn’t want to

It is

I’m sorry you’re getting a hard time on here. I was in your position, we spent 1000s trying to get access to my DHs son, as soon as I fell pregnant his ex stopped all contact with all of DHs family so Dss lost his dad, grand parents, aunties, uncles and cousins. DH would go to collect and she would be out. This was 15-20 years ago now but dh was told by barrister it doesn’t matter what the court awards if she won’t hand him over there’s nothing that can be done. DH managed limited access for a macdonalds when he was a teen but it dwindled away and we haven’t seen him for years. His grandmother and aunties are devastated too but in our case it was that the ex didn’t want him playing happy families with us. My DH is a great dad and husband with us, I can’t speak for what he was like with her but I will never forgive her for cutting out my in laws they are lovely people who didn’t deserve it. Sorry I can’t offer advice but I know how hard it is

He can afford to, I’m a very high earner also. We’ve already spent 4k on court and our child and soon to be child are in very good positions thanks.

Nice to hear from someone who’s been through it instead of the sanctimonious onlookers who judge any dads who can’t do right for doing wrong

'Staying nearby? He has a baby and a pregnant wife at home.'

What the absolute fuck have you just written?! In that one sentence you have told us everything, and we had it right. He will have THREE children. Three EQUAL children. That you cannot see that he could possibly spend one night closer to his first child and away from his second for one night! Wow.

Were you the OW op? Because you're astoundingly selfish, and that's a typical trait.

Have you given an ounce of thought to what the 7 yr old thinks or wants?

He also has this other child who he is losing his relationship with.

I'm not saying these are easy choices or immediate fixes, of course he can't just change jobs, but he could consider it and look for something more flexible. Has he ever?

And you chose to have a family with someone who already had a child, so sometimes his time is required elsewhere. If he wants to rebuild a relationship with the child, court is a blunt and ugly instrument to do it with.

Could you try mediation? I do think you need to rethink every Saturday as I'd hate to not have any weekend time with my DD so if her dad suggested that I wouldn't agree. Also, as long as he's not aggressive there is nothing stopping him from turning up to see his child, if she rings the police what will they do?

Ah there it is. The blended family bingo. I must’ve been the other woman. No I was not.

He needs to engage with her little and often where she is comfortable. Has she a relationship with her grandparents i.e. his parents?

This is the approach needed regardless of parental alienation or not.

'and our child and soon to be child are in very good positions thanks.'

And again, op. Any thoughts whatsoever as to if his first child is in a good position?

So the child didn't want to stay overnight even when they did visit for that one single day?

Sounds like the child genuinely has the issue with you and her father, perhaps you should try and view it that way instead of assuming it's the mother causing this.

He had lots of time to ask for more contact days over 6 years but he hasn't done that op because it suited HIM and him alone, this wasn't enough for his child and now he is paying the price.

Unfortunately Op your DH is at the mercy of his Ex who is playing games, with holding access because she is bitter because he's moved on and is happy with you.
I am an Ex W who has never been so petty, my ExH left when our DS was 4months and I never denied him access, even when he married crazy wife No2 ( now divorced her!) He has an ok relationship with our son now 16 but I am the main parent as that was ExH choice. Maybe she thinks your happy family will take that away from her. You have to reassure her that you won't, maybe you can try that route, as it the child that suffers in the end. X

With all due respect that’s not my issue

Child doesn’t want to

@Tryalilharder Are you surprised? I'm not trying to be an arse, I'm putting myself in the child's shoes. Jobs & practicalities are a naff excuse. And so what if you're pregnant and have a child. If he's happy to not see his first child 6 days out of 7 then it's really no hardship leaving you alone for a day or two a week.

Come on, 1 day a week is not being a good dad. Not changing jobs (he could he's just chose not to). If he had been having that child for more than once a week from the get go then a bond would have been built and they would want to come and they would want to sleep over. There is nothing he can do in 12 hours a week that would create a bond.

If he wants a relationship, a proper one, with that child then he seriously needs to up his game out of court.

Given your updates, I’m not sure what you can do. Your DH has chosen to have limited contact with his DD and it doesn’t seem to be working out. Perhaps she’s not comfortable with him and your family.

Why did he have to engage a barrister?

I’m not sure, the solicitor referred it to the barrister. I realise some of my replies are a bit bitchy but I’d rather deal with the facts than people making mad assumptions

The child’s mum didn’t want her to have overnights as a baby which is fair enough. When it went to court it was agreed for 1 day a week, husband at the time did push for overnight every week but this was rejected by the mother and in hindsight maybe he should’ve asked for every other week.

I know people blame dads a lot but we’ve had a lot of comments through the poor child ‘mum said you left us, mum said you only love your wife (me), mum said this, mum said that’. The poor child is hearing a lot of shit and even then when she spends the day with us and has a good day she hears this shite 6 days out of 7.

the issue now is that the ex is actively ignoring messages or threatening to call the police. I’ve know she could be bluffing but husband is terrified because of his job. He has never once said she’s a crazy ex but I actually did half jokingly say to him one day you know some exes are crazy.

I do feel sorry for his ex. He’s living a life with me she never had, if I was in her position I would feel bitter too but I wouldn’t use the child as the mechanism to channel it.

I genuinely love my husband and he genuinely loves me. We are good honest people and thankfully have a nice life. This though is one (big) area we just don’t know how to deal with properly

I think your only option is to go back to court it the mother is refusing contact.

I think your DH needs to ask for his contact via text or email so he has it in writing. He needs to keep record of him requesting contact. The contact being refused and the reason. If she denies contact them he needs to ask what the barriers to contact are. If she doesn't want to stay over night then he needs to accommodate that. If she only wants to spend a few hours he should accommodate that and try to build up the contact time slowly. In the short term I think he should spend 1:1 time with DC to rebuild the relationship.

I think you should put together a book / journal for DC. Her dad could write her little notes or draw her little pictures. Just something to show her when she's older that he/ you thought of her. Things like a picture of a rainbow and a note saying I was wondering what your favourite colour is at the moment. Just things he wonders about her or remembers about her being little with pictures if he has them .

I'd also set up a savings account and pay money into it for her birthday and Christmas. I'd also pay CM at the correct rate and pay the extra into that account. Then at least he'll be able to give her something when she's older. When my nan died I got a savings book with a record of when money was paid it. It was nice to see that she thought of me and how often. She wasn't putting in lots of money it was tiny amounts but it mattered to me.

Legal Aid means that she's been able to evidence that she is a victim of domestic abuse and he is the perpetrator......

Get your fucking facts right. No it doesn’t. Not in NI.