Page 6 | Ex denying husband seeing child

Tryalilharder · 2024-09-30T10:29:11+00:00

just that really. Husband’s ex girlfriend is denying him access to his child. We have gone through the courts, we pay over and above maintenance, we do everything we need to and should do. Meant to have child every Saturday. She messages the day before and says child isn’t going. This has been happening on and off for a long time but has got worse since myself and my husband got married and had a baby (and now have another on the way!). what do you do in this situation?

2Little · 02/10/2024 20:40

Amuseaboosh · 02/10/2024 20:37

Legal Aid means that she's been able to evidence that she is a victim of domestic abuse and he is the perpetrator......

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Eligibility for legal aid in Northern Ireland is determined by a means test that assesses an individual's financial circumstances. This includes: income, assets, and household composition.

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Tryalilharder · 02/10/2024 20:41

2Little · 02/10/2024 20:40

Eligibility for legal aid in Northern Ireland is determined by a means test that assesses an individual's financial circumstances. This includes: income, assets, and household composition.

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Thank you. Please can people get their facts right before commenting. As a victim of abuse and sexual assault by a previous partner it hits hard my husband getting accused of that because people can’t read or be bothered to read properly.

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UnemployedNotRetired · 02/10/2024 20:41

Probably not what you want to hear, but you should consider ending contact and reducing maintenance to the legal minimum. If it's turned into a game for the ex-wife, stop playing that game. Keep records of what has happened, to show the child when older.
Sorry.

Amuseaboosh · 02/10/2024 20:41

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Tryalilharder · 02/10/2024 20:42

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No you’re clearly the idiot

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Original poster

Tryalilharder · 02/10/2024 20:43

UnemployedNotRetired · 02/10/2024 20:41

Probably not what you want to hear, but you should consider ending contact and reducing maintenance to the legal minimum. If it's turned into a game for the ex-wife, stop playing that game. Keep records of what has happened, to show the child when older.
Sorry.

Just me being pedantic but it’s his ex girlfriend. I say this as I think it’s part of the reason she is the way he is. He didn’t want to get married and married me within 3 years and that’s when things got really bad with the ex.

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TammyJones · 02/10/2024 20:43

Dawninglory · 02/10/2024 20:13

Unfortunately Op your DH is at the mercy of his Ex who is playing games, with holding access because she is bitter because he's moved on and is happy with you.
I am an Ex W who has never been so petty, my ExH left when our DS was 4months and I never denied him access, even when he married crazy wife No2 ( now divorced her!) He has an ok relationship with our son now 16 but I am the main parent as that was ExH choice. Maybe she thinks your happy family will take that away from her. You have to reassure her that you won't, maybe you can try that route, as it the child that suffers in the end. X

Yep me too.
After me and ex split (dd was 1)
I was told by a very kind relative, 'no patents owns the child'.
Women do play games and use children as pawns - but only the children suffer and I wasn't letting that happen.
I did worry that dd would like new 'mommy' better , but I kept that ti myself and of course, totally unfounded.
Looking back, I wish I'd let dd go on the foreign holiday they wanted to take her (but it was just too soon at that point so they did a uk holiday. )

Nosleepforthismum · 02/10/2024 20:46

Well no overnights for the last 6 years isn’t great is it? I can see why the 7 year old isn’t enthusiastic to spend time with her dad and his family because she’s not really a part of it. The ex might be a nightmare and I sympathise but I can’t see this resolving without a huge push from your DH to go back to court and change his working hours to be able to facilitate more contact. If he doesn’t, the relationship will just fade away to nothing as she gets older and forms her own friendships as she really won’t want to go to her dads and the chaos there with her two younger half siblings she barely knows.

idrinkandknowthings · 02/10/2024 20:47

When it first went to court were you involved in things in any way? So, child is 7, he left when baby was 1 and you've been together 5.5 years. When did he initially go for contact? Were you in the picture then or did he facilitate contact religiously from the start? I'm suggesting you were the OW by the way I'm just trying to understand her point of view (not agree with it!)

I agree, I wouldn't want my child to be away from me at 1 year old overnight every week either but you say she was bottlefeedjng so he could have had her and should have pushed for that, especially since she wasn't a newborn.

So, currently, it isn't working. That's not fair on the child, and I totally understand why they don't want to spend time with your husband and she's the only person who really matters in this mess. Not you, not him and not the ex-girlfriend. He needs to do things differently and if that doesn't involve you and your children right now then that's just how it has to be. He needs to try different ways, by himself, to navigate this. If that's spending time in the child's neck of the woods then so be it. I understand that to you your child and pregnancy are super important, of course they are - rightly so. But where his first child is concerned you're irrelevant. If he's serious he needs to adapt and change the way he's going about it.

Livelovebehappy · 02/10/2024 20:50

Tryalilharder · 02/10/2024 19:52

New girlfriend? We’ve been together 5.5 years and I’m his wife.

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Ah, you were the OW…..

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Tryalilharder · 02/10/2024 20:51

Livelovebehappy · 02/10/2024 20:50

Ah, you were the OW…..

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I wasn’t. We met just after they split. Again - read the fucking posts.

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Original poster

Tryalilharder · 02/10/2024 20:52

idrinkandknowthings · 02/10/2024 20:47

When it first went to court were you involved in things in any way? So, child is 7, he left when baby was 1 and you've been together 5.5 years. When did he initially go for contact? Were you in the picture then or did he facilitate contact religiously from the start? I'm suggesting you were the OW by the way I'm just trying to understand her point of view (not agree with it!)

I agree, I wouldn't want my child to be away from me at 1 year old overnight every week either but you say she was bottlefeedjng so he could have had her and should have pushed for that, especially since she wasn't a newborn.

So, currently, it isn't working. That's not fair on the child, and I totally understand why they don't want to spend time with your husband and she's the only person who really matters in this mess. Not you, not him and not the ex-girlfriend. He needs to do things differently and if that doesn't involve you and your children right now then that's just how it has to be. He needs to try different ways, by himself, to navigate this. If that's spending time in the child's neck of the woods then so be it. I understand that to you your child and pregnancy are super important, of course they are - rightly so. But where his first child is concerned you're irrelevant. If he's serious he needs to adapt and change the way he's going about it.

Wasn’t the other woman. Wasn’t involved first time it went to court. Was the subsequent 3 times.

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OrangeTeabags · 02/10/2024 20:54

What sort of relationship do you have with his first child?
How do you feel about her?

I don't mean to be rude but you seem quite dismissive of her and it comes across that you think your children are more important as far as your husband is concerned - the fact that he can't be away from you & your child to spend more time with her.

Children pick up on things very easily.

idkbroidk · 02/10/2024 20:57

Tryalilharder · 02/10/2024 20:13

With all due respect that’s not my issue

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what a shocking thing to say about your stepchild. your children's sibling. i'm aghast

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Tryalilharder · 02/10/2024 20:57

OrangeTeabags · 02/10/2024 20:54

What sort of relationship do you have with his first child?
How do you feel about her?

I don't mean to be rude but you seem quite dismissive of her and it comes across that you think your children are more important as far as your husband is concerned - the fact that he can't be away from you & your child to spend more time with her.

Children pick up on things very easily.

I always make her feel welcome. I made sure she had a bed in our home. I include her in everything. I’m sorry if I come across as dismissive of her I really don’t mean to at all. She’s a lovely child and me and her dad being together is all she’s ever known. You can see her when she first comes to our house that she’s skeptical of me and then she’s fine within an hour. My guess is that she hears what a bad person I am at home and then comes to us and sees that I’m not and I’m nice to her and her daddy is very happy with me so she’s confused as hell which I totally understand. When I say it’s not my issue I mean I have enough on my plate with work and a baby and another on the way and trying to be a good mum and wife and employee etc without worrying about the future wellbeing of a child I care about obviously but who’s wellbeing is outside of my control

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Original poster

Tryalilharder · 02/10/2024 20:59

idkbroidk · 02/10/2024 20:57

what a shocking thing to say about your stepchild. your children's sibling. i'm aghast

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but I care and suddenly I’m overstepping the mark and trying to replace her mums role. One thing I’ve learned on mumsnet, step mums never win.

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BruFord · 02/10/2024 21:00

2Little · 02/10/2024 20:37

I think your only option is to go back to court it the mother is refusing contact.

I think your DH needs to ask for his contact via text or email so he has it in writing. He needs to keep record of him requesting contact. The contact being refused and the reason. If she denies contact them he needs to ask what the barriers to contact are. If she doesn't want to stay over night then he needs to accommodate that. If she only wants to spend a few hours he should accommodate that and try to build up the contact time slowly. In the short term I think he should spend 1:1 time with DC to rebuild the relationship.

I think you should put together a book / journal for DC. Her dad could write her little notes or draw her little pictures. Just something to show her when she's older that he/ you thought of her. Things like a picture of a rainbow and a note saying I was wondering what your favourite colour is at the moment. Just things he wonders about her or remembers about her being little with pictures if he has them .

I'd also set up a savings account and pay money into it for her birthday and Christmas. I'd also pay CM at the correct rate and pay the extra into that account. Then at least he'll be able to give her something when she's older. When my nan died I got a savings book with a record of when money was paid it. It was nice to see that she thought of me and how often. She wasn't putting in lots of money it was tiny amounts but it mattered to me.

@2Little has good suggestions. I'd also suggest that your DH comes up with some activities that just he and his DD can do together on some Saturdays so that they can bond more. She might be more enthusiastic if he takes her somewhere without her younger siblings and gives her his full attention.
It might be a good idea not to bring her to your house for a while, stick to doing activities that she enjoys.

If they are able to reconnect and his DD becomes comfortable spending time with your family, I personally think that your DH should rethink the schedule and perhaps ask to change it to EOW plus some of the school holidays. His DD is seven now, she's totally different to a one-year-old.

Original poster

Tryalilharder · 02/10/2024 21:02

My husband would be up for this. However, the issue still is the mum letting the child go. We really don’t want it to turn nasty.

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idrinkandknowthings · 02/10/2024 21:02

Wasn’t the other woman. Wasn’t involved first time it went to court. Was the subsequent 3 times.

@Tryalilharder I don't think you were the other woman at all and even if you were contact with his child should be a separate issue.

I think your involvement is the issue though, rightly or wrongly. I don't think you should have played any part in the courts proceedings. From the very beginning he should have put his contact with his child above anything and anyone and got that sorted. She's not gone to court with just her ex, she's gone to court with you both.

I think it needs to go back to basics whereby the child is the only focus during his contact until a firm bond is built with her dad. If he has to go back to court to demand the contact again, without a barrister and he sees her, alone. For now.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2024 21:04

You've implied in lots of your posts that his ex is/should be jealous of you.

Have you considered at all that she might not be at all, (it's pretty rare for the exwife not to be delighted they're rid) and is in fact just protecting her daughter from going somewhere she doesn't want to?

TammyJones · 02/10/2024 21:04

UnemployedNotRetired · 02/10/2024 20:41

Probably not what you want to hear, but you should consider ending contact and reducing maintenance to the legal minimum. If it's turned into a game for the ex-wife, stop playing that game. Keep records of what has happened, to show the child when older.
Sorry.

My dh was 8 when his parents divorced.
His dm was still bitter about it 50 years later.
Saw his dad few times until dm remarried.
Then told her ex ( my dh's dad) to 'leave ' them alone as they had a new family now.
There are only so many times you can have the door slammed in your face , after being screamed at - all in front of the kids - before you realise it not doing any one any good, especially the kids.
Fast forward 20 years and Dh has a great relationship with his Dad.
But his Mum - not so much.

Original poster

Tryalilharder · 02/10/2024 21:05

idrinkandknowthings · 02/10/2024 21:02

Wasn’t the other woman. Wasn’t involved first time it went to court. Was the subsequent 3 times.

@Tryalilharder I don't think you were the other woman at all and even if you were contact with his child should be a separate issue.

I think your involvement is the issue though, rightly or wrongly. I don't think you should have played any part in the courts proceedings. From the very beginning he should have put his contact with his child above anything and anyone and got that sorted. She's not gone to court with just her ex, she's gone to court with you both.

I think it needs to go back to basics whereby the child is the only focus during his contact until a firm bond is built with her dad. If he has to go back to court to demand the contact again, without a barrister and he sees her, alone. For now.

Sorry your post said ‘you were the other woman’ reading it back I should’ve known you meant weren’t. Apologies.

in theory this is great, and I might get slated for this, timing just mightn’t be great with me having a 1 year old and being pregnant again to not have my husband on a Saturday for long periods when we both work full time.

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BirthdayRainbow · 02/10/2024 21:06

Let her call the police when he goes to collect his child for said child to have contact with their father.

BruFord · 02/10/2024 21:08

Tryalilharder · 02/10/2024 21:02

My husband would be up for this. However, the issue still is the mum letting the child go. We really don’t want it to turn nasty.

If he turns up and says that he wants to take her to [insert fun place that kids love!] she might say that she wants to go, despite her Mum. Worth a try perhaps.

Her Mum can call the police if she wishes, but they won't be interested with a court order in place. I imagine they're not too keen on timewasters.

Original poster

Tryalilharder · 02/10/2024 21:09

arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2024 21:04

You've implied in lots of your posts that his ex is/should be jealous of you.

Have you considered at all that she might not be at all, (it's pretty rare for the exwife not to be delighted they're rid) and is in fact just protecting her daughter from going somewhere she doesn't want to?

His ex girlfriend. Not wife. She’s openly admitted before that she finds it disgusting that he is this bit loving family man with me when he couldn’t be bothered with them. I can’t comment on how he was before but he genuinely is an amazing man with me. Given my own history I wouldn’t be with him otherwise. She’s also made comments about my age (I’m 10 years younger than her and DH) and she’s also made horrible comments about my job and basically said I should be compensating due to our household income being high

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