Ex denying husband seeing child

[Tryalilharder]

just that really. Husband’s ex girlfriend is denying him access to his child. We have gone through the courts, we pay over and above maintenance, we do everything we need to and should do. Meant to have child every Saturday. She messages the day before and says child isn’t going. This has been happening on and off for a long time but has got worse since myself and my husband got married and had a baby (and now have another on the way!).

what do you do in this situation?

I’m not surprised the child doesn’t want to see him. He’s a shit dad. Once a week is nothing, if he wants a decent relationship then he needs to make an effort and move or sort his work hours out and have her more. If not kiss seeing her goodbye but every Saturday isn’t fair on both mum and child .

The ex is the child’s mother, the person that cares for him 24/7. Your DH wants one day a week and complains when his child isn’t interested in that. This is not the mother’s fault. Your DH chooses to have a job and two more children which means he can’t be more available for his child, so yes, the blame for this is his, not his ex’s.

Boggles my mind that your dh would rather spend thousands in court than make lifestyle changes to facilitate seeing his child more.

Just to add, she can threaten to call the police all she wants. Have the relevant court document with you proving he’s entitled to have the child that Saturday. The police can’t do anything (also, would probably take a while to turn up…).

I do think 1 day a week is nothing. He should probably be seeing her once in the week too. I understand that hasn’t been feasible due to the ex preventing contact though.

Has he mentioned parental alienation in court previously? It seems that’s the route the ex is going down.

It’s always very enlightening seeing posts from the other side. I can’t blame the poor child for refusing one day a week contact. I actually find it appalling that it was considered adequate in the first place, then the moment the child refuses it’s blamed on the mother.

He should have sorted his relationship with his existing child before having more. Poor kid.

What do you and your DH think his ex's motivation is? Is she trying to alienate the child from their father, or does she really think that the current contact isn't working?

As your DH is paying more than the required CM, he could open a bank account in his child's name and start saving the extra money he pays in there for their future. I'm not sure whether that's the "right" thing to do, but if the Mum is genuinely playing silly buggers, it might make her realize that your DH isn't going to let her control everything.

I agree with others though that the contact schedule is far too low, and your DH should be seeing his child more frequently to build a proper relationship with them - although I'm not sure how that can be achieved right now if he's not able to see them at all.

Are you in Northern Ireland too?

Seek legal advice.
If the ex is claiming she will call the police let her, this will show how she is to other people.
How fustrating and sick to do this to her child.
I would ring a lawyer and get some sort of enforcement.
Ask for her to take some therapy to grow up and act like a responsible adult.
Good on you Op for supporting your partner.

Op, if you think wanting to see your child for 14% of their life makes a parent fantastic, can you articulate what you think makes a poor parent?

This isn't about mumsnet being down on men.

Objectively, we have one parent of two who has requested to have their child 14% of the time, leaving the other parent to do all the childcare the remaining 86%. It doesn't make any difference which is the sex of either parent here. The parent who is only willing to do 14% is the shit parent.

Also. It sounds like they split when the child was a baby. And he has seen her, his choice, for a maximum of once a week since then. That isn't enough to establish a relationship. They don't have one. And that's his fault.

Even if the mother didn't say a single word to the 7 yr old (and let's face it, you can have ZERO idea if she has) , I would doubt a 7 yr old would want to see what is basically a stranger to her and his new girlfriend on a Saturday.

I disagree with the posters saying go back to court.

The child doesn't want to see him. With good reason. I'd respect her wish.

Your husband isn't a good dad. He might be to your children, when he sees them every day. To his first child? He's just some bloke he's expected to see once a week.

Does the first child have a bedroom at your house? Space of their own? Why, when the child was 1 year old did he not fight for 50/50? And don't say down to practicality because that's a wank excuse. The mums are always expected to adapt and change their practicalities to fit around their child but your husband didn't do that did he? He rolled over. Instead of spending 4K x 4 why didn't he step up, from the start, and parent his child properly? I know a million brilliant dads, I have one of my own, I'm married to one and he has a good dad himself. It's not about bashing the bloke and sticking up for the ex. Your husbands ex girlfriend is parenting her child 86% of the time (100 % of the time now the kid can't be arsed with the measley 1 day they are offered) and you think he's a good dad to that child? On that weekend day is the child supposed to sleepover?

I thought legal aid for contract cases in Norther Ireland was merit tested? So why is she getting LA if she doesn’t have a good case?

Why hasnt your husband had his child 50:50 since they were one? Has he been in prison ? Otherwise what are the circumstances that made it “ not practical” ? Millions of parents around the Uk have their child full time and work so Id imagine his job must be very unusual!

It would be helpful if the OP clarified why he was only granted access once a week after going to court multiple times. There has to be a backstory.

New girlfriend? We’ve been together 5.5 years and I’m his wife.

Obviously you didn’t read my post about him having a clean record. He works with kids ffs.

My guess is she doenst know, all she know is the story hes been spinning her. Which will be “ poor me Im the victim of my bitch of an ex”.

It’s the usual story.

No backstory. It was the arrangement from the start and was agreed by both parties so judge granted it.

My understanding of the NI police is they don't intervene in civil matters unless specifically directed by the court. And to be perfectly honest adding police to the situation in the presence of a seven year old in NI is not exactly the best idea.

Wtf I know this man like the back of my hand. My honest opinion is that she doesn’t want her child playing happy families with my family

Your assumptions say more about you to be honest. Not once has my husband said he’s a victim. He just wants to see his child as agreed.

@Tryalilharder But your DH must realize that one day a week (with no overnights?) is very low contact. Why doesn't he want to spend more time with his child? Does he have them during school holidays too?

So he chose to not see her except for one day a week.

That's just sad.

Wtf I know this man like the back of my hand. My honest opinion is that she doesn’t want her child playing happy families with my family

@Tryalilharder Does your child have their own bed at your house? Is the child supposed to sleep over each weekend at your house?

If his child doesn't want to go with him, instead of trying to enforce contact through the courts - wouldn't he be a lot better trying to rebuild the relationship with his child by making some changes?

Such as moving closer, changing jobs, staying nearby a couple of times month and doing pick-ups, anything to get more time.

You can throw money at it through the courts, but the child is just going to get older and have more of a voice about whether or not they see him.