Ex denying husband seeing child

[Tryalilharder]

just that really. Husband’s ex girlfriend is denying him access to his child. We have gone through the courts, we pay over and above maintenance, we do everything we need to and should do. Meant to have child every Saturday. She messages the day before and says child isn’t going. This has been happening on and off for a long time but has got worse since myself and my husband got married and had a baby (and now have another on the way!).

what do you do in this situation?

I always think "what would a man do if it was a Porsche or a fancy watch that he part-owned and someone had "taken" from him?"

I'm damn sure in that situation he wouldn't say "sure, have the Porsche Sunday thru Friday, one day a week of driving/telling the time is enough for me." He'd be in court every day of the week to get that "ownership" back.

If your H was a committed father, he would have gone for 50/50 contact from the start. He would have changed his work to allow for that (as most single parents have to do) even if that meant lowering his salary and he would ensure that he live close to his child to enable easy co-parenting.

His parent-child bond would be stronger and his DC would WANT to spend more time with him.

Seeing your DC 4 times a month on a good month is pathetic. It's just 14% of the year. How does he expect to have a good relationship with his child when he sees them that little?

His DC is probably wondering who this stranger is who wants to take her out on a Saturday.

Where actually are you?

because advice will be different depending where you are.

Northern Ireland

Does it matter that she's got legal aid?
Why would he have spent thousands on court costs if she has only recently stopped the measly one day a week access? The one day a week access that he has only ever been interested in from the time he left the relationship 6yrs ago?

Why did he not go for 50/50 6yrs ago?

They were only 1 when husband and his ex gf split. It wasn’t practical at the time to do 50-50. She’s stopped him seeing the child multiple times over the years hence going to court. Its got worse since we married 2 years ago and had our baby.

Why wasn’t it practical?

Honestly, what if the mother decided it was practical for her to have the child the majority of the time?

I think you and your husband may have to accept that a child may not want to go off every Saturday with someone they don’t really know. If they live so far away what would he be doing with the child? Would the child be staying over Saturday night? Because in all honesty I don’t think every Saturday and Sunday is very fair. The mother gets to do all the week day grind but doesn’t get any of the weekend? Or is it literally just Saturday? And what hours is it meant to be between?

All I can suggest is that your husband goes back to court.

Ok. Should’ve known better than to ask mumsnet. Husband is the bad guy. It’s never the ex’s fault when she’s a woman.

prob not worth their while if one day a week and travelling time etc
you prob wouldn't want your own child doing it
your h is the problem here not the child

How is he the problem? 1 day a week was going fine for ages until she stopped it. He went to court 4 times about it racking up thousands in fees and now she’s withholding the child again and threatening to call the police if he arrives to get the child or if he phones or messages to ask about getting the child. The child is too young to have a phone so call contact is with the ex.

There's a precedent been set. Dad only does one day a week, never over night and won't even go round to collect his seven year old. He rolls over and gives into mum? No wander the child doesn't want to come, she's being carted off to a stranger, expected to play happy families and then sent to back home where mum does absolutely all the hard work.

Why wasn't his time increased during his court appearance? It seems very strange for contact to only be a day a month and no overnights. I think there's possibly a back story to this that isn't being said

I'd go back to court and request every other weekend as a minimum.

He just doesn't seem very bothered though does he? He has been happy to have one day of contact a week ( not even overnight I presume ) since she was very tiny.... that's not a good dad.

Do you think if he left you and only wanted YOUR shared children one day a week you'd be singing his praises?

But 4 days a month is absolutely nothing!

He should have fought for at least 50/50 (and then she wouldn't have been able to move away)

And if not 50/50 then EOW

hes just spent thousands on court and actively tries to take his child out every weekend. He’s an excellent dad.

What have you spent thousands on? It's £250-ish to take it to court (my friend has been through it, he'd had to take his ex back to court numerous times - they're finally working together for their daughter, which is great - and he hasn't spent thousands)

We had to get a barrister involved. It was just shy of £4k over the 4 times

look if that’s how you want to react it’s up to you.

But every Saturday you are expecting the ex to wait around for him to pick the child so he can see the child for a few hours. And the child possibly doesn’t want to go. To do what? Go to the park? Softplay? It’s not like he bringing the child home if he lives too far away.

At no point in this child’s life has he ever been able to/wanted to see them more. It not being practical, even when they first split up isn’t enough. Being a parent isn’t about doing it only when it’s practical.

You can say he is an excellent father and he might be to your child. But even if he managed to see the other child every Saturday, he still wouldn’t be putting in the time to be an excellent parent to that child.

Well take it back to court without a barrister this time (you don't need one), and aim for something better for the child, as PP have suggested - every other weekend including overnights, for example, and don't say your husband can't facilitate that because of his job..THIS IS HIS CHILD.

I understand it must be frustrating if his ex is causing problems, but that's why you have to go back to court.

Can you help him out with school pick up on a Friday night?

Could you think about this from a 7 year olds perspective for a minute? Instead of glorifying your DH and blaming his ex partner?

Absolutely this.

Daddy has a new family he sees everyday and only wants me for 4 days a month.

It's no wonder the child doesn't want to go.

Pathetic parenting.

Yeah I was offered this after an abusive relationship and even then it was said it’s not an easy thing to just get. There is usually proof of abuse by that point.

Very telling. I bet there is more OP isn’t saying. 1 day a week is a joke too. There is after school clubs, breakfast clubs and also a thing called being able to move and change jobs. Nothing would make me settle with seeing my children once a week.

Great Father… to your children maybe but to theirs no he isn’t.

He's not an excellent dad on four days a week. He isn't even a dad at that little.
What's the reason for only one day a week?

A 7yr old doesn't care about how much money you spend in court.. needlessly btw.
She will care about how her own father only ever wanted and willingly chose to spend 1 day out of 7 with her since she was 1yrs old.

He is in no way a good dad, your bar is shockingly low, but that's clearly because no one with any sense would have children with a man who only did the above for his first child.

Why did his relationship with the ex fail?
Is that the key to why she is seemingly uncooperative?

I have to agree with others though, one day a week with a child does not make a "fantastic" father...