Dad wanting to move forward need advice please

[dadof195]

I’m a dad but hope it’s ok to ask here for some advice, trying to get perspective.

In short, I was in a relationship with my ex for a while not living together but spent most of our time together.

We broke up and about a month after she told me she was pregnant. I thought it was a joke at first as so cliche but it wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to be a dad and I didn’t want a baby with her, I told her this. That sounds bad writing it out but I want honest advice here so I need to be honest and say I did tell her this, I thought it was a bad idea to carry on with the pregnancy.

As we had broken up I queried the paternity. I went to some of the scans but I was advised not to contribute to any of the financial side until paternity confirmed. I don’t think this went down that well with my ex, she always said the baby was mine. It was a really stressful time for every one.

I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates and tried to do the right thing.

I didn’t do anything about the paternity side because I didn’t really know how to address it.

My ex went to csa when the baby was 6 months old. I will admit I didn’t react well to this- I tried to explain to her my financial commitments but this fell on deaf ears. I would have helped if I knew she needed it, but she never asked to arrange anything between us just went straight to csa. I asked for the DNA test through which came back that my son is mine.

Since then I have paid every month, and seen my child when I can although not set days. I know the beginning doesn’t sound the best but I really love being a dad now and look forward to spending time with him.

The problem is this, my ex is being really awkward with contact.

I want to spend more time with my son. But my work means that I don’t have the same days off every week. I’ve asked for flexibility but I just seem to get nowhere.

My ex wants set days but then won’t let anyone else collect my child for me, which makes it hard with my work.

I think she makes it hard as she’s full of resentment for the pregnancy and early days of our child’s life. I do get that to an extent but I’m really trying to move forward from it and do the right thing now.

Is my only option here court or is there a better way forward?

How old is he now?

Who are you wanting to pick up your child for you, and why is that needed? If it's your contact time, surely you being there is the point of it?

It doesn't sound like she's being hugely difficult - set days would be a lot easier for routine and planning her life & free time.

Did you ask your work for flexibility or her?

Probably also be a nice good will gesture to give her the missing 6 months of child support if you haven't.

Less than 2

Oh you are going to get a new one torn on here. 🍿

It would only be my parents. If ex wants set days this would be unavoidable sometimes due to my job.

I haven't asked for flexibility from work, no. It's not something I can do unless I leave my job due to the nature of it.

I don't know exactly what ex is doing but I know she has gone back to work.

I was expecting this a bit, which is why I've tried to be honest and own up to the things I've done wrong. If I could go back and do it differently I would but I can't now, it's why I'm asking advice on how I can move forward.

It sounds like you've made a lot of mistakes. That's bad, so it's time to start a new chapter for the benefit of your son.

Pay your ex the missing 6 months CSA and apologize for your past behavior. Tell her that you want to build a good working relationship with her and ask what you can do to facilitate that.

Explain your working situation and ask how she would like to proceed. Stress that you want a relationship with your son. However, accept whatever answer she gives.

Your work cannot be so inflexible that you don't know a few weeks in advance and you can make arrangements that way

Speak to your work about more regular hours as regular as they can make it

Are you the father in this thread? Seems remarkably similar but from the other perspective… 🤔

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5175700-to-not-be-home?reply=138649288

Is your work genuinely absolutely inflexible or are you just assuming it is? Have you asked or made a flexible working request. Many men assume their work is inflexible because either no one else does it or they want their career to progress and know that this will be looked down on (which is why we have a gender pay gap).

You're a father. If you want.to.be present and be a dad you have to make room in your life for the child and not expect your ex to be endlessly flexible for you. She's already doing most of the hard work and designing her life around being a parent.

Have you actually apologised to her? A proper genuine apology when you don’t accuse her of anything.

How well does are know your job? Have you actually asked your work and explained reasons why? Lots of mothers have fixed shifts so nothing stopping a father from asking.

Try mediation first.

I agree - this is far too similar.

Well, you’ve been honest about how crap you were and I don’t think you should be criticised for the past, because you’ve acknowledged it.

What you have to do is work out a plan and think through how it could work.

First off, I’d try mediation rather than going straight to court

It’s not your ex’s responsibility to have to juggle her life to fit with your changing work patterns. If your job is so inflexible that it means you can’t meet your parental commitments you should change your job, or stick to the current contact arrangements. If your ex started dictating from week to week which days/times you could have your child, you wouldn’t be happy about it yet you expect to do it to her. You’ve already made insinuations about her by denying paternity. You were unhappy when she attempted to claim CS for your child. She doesn’t owe you any favours.

I don't live 2 hrs away from my child's mother.

Csa did back date and I paid the full amount. As soon as I had it confirmed I did go out and buy lots of things for him, I've tried to make up. I have also apologised, many times.

It's not impossible to change my job, it just isn't my first choice as it pays well. I see everyone's point.

Honestly I think you are doing a pretty poor job of paternity. You failed to step up and pay maintenance till she forced you. You won’t speak to work to arrange set days off. Childcare is a massive cost which I’m suspecting your maintenance won’t cover. If you look after your children on set days this makes life easier as she can work.

He could go further than just acknowledging his mistakes and actually make amends for them.

Like paying the missing child support.

Cross posted

I know what the nursery fees are, the maintenance I pay covers more than half. So covers my half and then some for the other costs of having a child.

At the time I didn't offer maintenance initially I think I was badly advised at the time as I wasn't sure he was mine.

So I think my only option here is to change my job from what you all say. Appreciate the advice this is all new to me I do really want to be a decent dad if that's what I need to do

Look at it from your ex's point of view. You queried paternity shortly after your break-up (so by inference you called her a liar/a gold-digger/a cheat). From her perspective (as it turns out you are in fact the father and she's done nothing wrong) you insulted her and let her down. Then you refused to contribute financially. Ok, so that's because you were querying paternity at the time. but from her perspective, (as it turns out you are in the fact the father and she's done nothing wrong) she had to support herself and the baby alone in the early, difficult, stressful days.

Now, turns out you are in fact the father etc etc, and you want her uo bend over backwards to accommodate your work schedule because you can't possibly ask for flexibility, it's much easier to expect her to just make it work for you. And you wonder why she's not jumping to dance to your tune?!

Step up. Be a dad. Talk to your employer and ask for flexibility, and if you can't obtain it, change your job to something that works for your son. Alternatively, accept the contact she offers.

'I do really want to be a decent dad if that's what I need to do'

If that's what you need to do? WTF

Poor wording. I mean if I need to change my job.

I understand what you are saying. To clarify I didn't refuse, she never asked me. I just got the csa letter.

If she'd asked me then we could have sorted ut between us