Dad wanting to move forward need advice please

[dadof195]

I’m a dad but hope it’s ok to ask here for some advice, trying to get perspective.

In short, I was in a relationship with my ex for a while not living together but spent most of our time together.

We broke up and about a month after she told me she was pregnant. I thought it was a joke at first as so cliche but it wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to be a dad and I didn’t want a baby with her, I told her this. That sounds bad writing it out but I want honest advice here so I need to be honest and say I did tell her this, I thought it was a bad idea to carry on with the pregnancy.

As we had broken up I queried the paternity. I went to some of the scans but I was advised not to contribute to any of the financial side until paternity confirmed. I don’t think this went down that well with my ex, she always said the baby was mine. It was a really stressful time for every one.

I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates and tried to do the right thing.

I didn’t do anything about the paternity side because I didn’t really know how to address it.

My ex went to csa when the baby was 6 months old. I will admit I didn’t react well to this- I tried to explain to her my financial commitments but this fell on deaf ears. I would have helped if I knew she needed it, but she never asked to arrange anything between us just went straight to csa. I asked for the DNA test through which came back that my son is mine.

Since then I have paid every month, and seen my child when I can although not set days. I know the beginning doesn’t sound the best but I really love being a dad now and look forward to spending time with him.

The problem is this, my ex is being really awkward with contact.

I want to spend more time with my son. But my work means that I don’t have the same days off every week. I’ve asked for flexibility but I just seem to get nowhere.

My ex wants set days but then won’t let anyone else collect my child for me, which makes it hard with my work.

I think she makes it hard as she’s full of resentment for the pregnancy and early days of our child’s life. I do get that to an extent but I’m really trying to move forward from it and do the right thing now.

Is my only option here court or is there a better way forward?

If you went to court then you wouldn’t be forced to have set days as that’s not fair on parents who work shifts. You would be expected to give her your shifts with plenty of notice

Yabu about CMS. What difference does it make if she’d asked you for money or the CMS take it from your wages unless you were planning to give her less than the CMS amount ?

OP I’ve said earlier in this thread but in case you missed it, I strongly advise meditation. That way you can work out together how to coparent, on neutral ground and with the help of someone who has experience in helping parents in this situation. You can each be heard and each of you will learn how to listen and communicate with each other

It's not about the money I'm sure she would be glad of it but you need to prioritise your son which means not sending other ppl to pick him up , keeping to set days for him. , it's about time and effort and consistency children need consistency.

How have you found your way to Mumsnet, OP?

If I was a man and for some reason queried the paternity of my ex I would have arranged a DNA test as soon as the baby was born .
Was you just hoping it would all go away? Because she didn’t go to CSA for 6 months after baby was born . What if she hadn’t of gone to CSA would you have never wondered ? Or would you be pleased you’re still getting away Scott free with no repercussions for you?
So you was happy for the baby to have hand me downs but now you know he’s yours you got him new everything? How wonderful of you .
I wouldn’t even ‘offer’ the 6 months I would just give her it . After all he’s your son now .

My ex wants set days but then won’t let anyone else collect my child for me,

I'd be exactly the same. I read she is working so she needs set days to coordinate with her work/free days, and I don't blame her she doesn't want him being picked up by any old tom, dick or harry. I bet she doesn't even know these people!

Mediation!

I should have arranged a paternity test when he was born. I don't know why I didn't. I think at first I thought I didn't want to put that on my ex while she was a new mum and recovering. Then time just went on I felt awkward addressing it, I don't know

I just searched parenting forums in the Uk

If you were having an operation let's say, on your penis, would you like your ex who accused you of cheating, to be there?

The people who are there in the birthing room are there to SUPPORT the mother. You called her a gold digging cheat and said the baby wasn't yours. Then you said you'd be there at her most vulnerable time.

And you think that's a positive

You’ve said that your family don’t like your ex but then you are expecting her to be ok with them picking up your son for contact. Also will you actually be there during the contact time? If you can’t do the pick up are you able to spend quality time with your child or are they spending the time with your parents?

oh, really?

someone you once loved just had a baby that was pretty likely to be yours and had no financial support in this difficult time… but you felt “awkward” so that was the priority?

Ok doke…

Wait a minute , @dadof195…

You say it’s your family members who advised you not to trust that the baby was yours, not to pay anything towards the baby and who “never liked her.”

The same family members you expect to arrive at her home and collect her son on your behalf because of your erratic work schedule?

And you’re wondering why she isn’t finding that acceptable?? If I were her I’d tell them to piss off to the far side of the moon and then keep pissing off until they pass Pluto.

@dadof195 sorry but when did it become a thing for someone other than the parent to pick up a child for visitation??? if dad is working then he is working. grandparents do not have rights in uk!

I know what you mean, but time has passed and we have a child together, my family is now by extension my child's family too?

I didn't call her a gold digging cheat. I know I hurt her though, and I have apologised for that.

So she should just build a bridge and get over the fact they don’t like her, called her a cheat and a gold digger? 😂😂

Well I thought it was okay if I can't collect can I not nominate another family member? Like if our son is at school or nursery and she can't collect because of work she can send someone else can't she?

The CSA amount is actually quite pathetic. Dh and I sat down one time and worked out how much we spent on the kids in an average month and compared it to what the CSA would be in total if we paid it. The CSA was tiny in comparison to how much we spent.

The CSA isn’t the amount that you should spend on your child - the CSA is the legal minimum. Are you a legal minimum sort of dad?

You also mentioned that the amount you pay is slightly above half the nursery fees. And then mentioned that you earn a lot more than your ex. And this will be worse in the future as her career will have been damaged by being a single parent where the other parent is useless. So despite having so much more money than her you think that it is ok for you to only pay half? She does so much more than half of all the actual parenting. Perhaps you should be paying more than half? Or are you happy for him to grow up going without. Because that is what has happened.

I wasn't expecting her to be best mates with my family no, that's why I'm asking how to move forward. Whether we like it or not we are all family now

Have they apologised to her?

@Mumofteenandtween the amount I pay isn't pathetic it's almost £1000 a month. My son has everything he needs

No, those nasty minded people are certainly not family to your poor ex.

You move forward by arranging to collect your own child when you have contact.

Have you and your family given your ex a heartfelt genuine apology? That would be where you start from to move forward. Maybe over a few years when you have built trust with your ex, she will be comfortable with your family.

Being honest they haven't, no. But there are two sides to every story and the way they see it as my ex didn't give me a choice in this, and also said a lot of nasty things about me when he was pregnant to mutual friends and acquaintances. I have tried to explain to them now later down the line that she would have been very hurt but they have said they wouldn't apologise unless she did

If you can’t see the difference between you (did nothing for the first six months, paid nothing, now pays the legal minimum, prioritised his own savings, occasionally sees him but only when convenient) and her (does absolutely fucking everything, paid for everything, gave everything) then you are completely screwed.

No.

They are the ignorant gits who slagged off his mother and influenced his father in denying paternity and failing to honour all commitments to him.

They basically called her a gold digging slut.

That takes a LOT of forgiving. A lot. Unless they have been tripping over themselves to apologise and make amends for the last two years, then no, not nearly enough time has passed.

They are your family and your son’s extended family (whom he probably barely knows) but there is absolutely no way your ex needs to have anything at all to do with them.

If her parents had accused you of such awful things during a vulnerable time in your life, and left you without financial or moral support, would you let your child anywhere near them?