Dad wanting to move forward need advice please

[dadof195]

I’m a dad but hope it’s ok to ask here for some advice, trying to get perspective.

In short, I was in a relationship with my ex for a while not living together but spent most of our time together.

We broke up and about a month after she told me she was pregnant. I thought it was a joke at first as so cliche but it wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to be a dad and I didn’t want a baby with her, I told her this. That sounds bad writing it out but I want honest advice here so I need to be honest and say I did tell her this, I thought it was a bad idea to carry on with the pregnancy.

As we had broken up I queried the paternity. I went to some of the scans but I was advised not to contribute to any of the financial side until paternity confirmed. I don’t think this went down that well with my ex, she always said the baby was mine. It was a really stressful time for every one.

I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates and tried to do the right thing.

I didn’t do anything about the paternity side because I didn’t really know how to address it.

My ex went to csa when the baby was 6 months old. I will admit I didn’t react well to this- I tried to explain to her my financial commitments but this fell on deaf ears. I would have helped if I knew she needed it, but she never asked to arrange anything between us just went straight to csa. I asked for the DNA test through which came back that my son is mine.

Since then I have paid every month, and seen my child when I can although not set days. I know the beginning doesn’t sound the best but I really love being a dad now and look forward to spending time with him.

The problem is this, my ex is being really awkward with contact.

I want to spend more time with my son. But my work means that I don’t have the same days off every week. I’ve asked for flexibility but I just seem to get nowhere.

My ex wants set days but then won’t let anyone else collect my child for me, which makes it hard with my work.

I think she makes it hard as she’s full of resentment for the pregnancy and early days of our child’s life. I do get that to an extent but I’m really trying to move forward from it and do the right thing now.

Is my only option here court or is there a better way forward?

You pay nearly £1000 and that is about half the nursery fees?

OK, if you say so. What is your son eating, wearing, keeping warm with, sleeping in if your payment only covers half the nursery fees?

I said it was more than half. Nursery feed around £1500

I can’t see an issue with the paternity test tbh. Not when you are told of a pg 4 weeks after the split.
I think @dadof195 should have done the paternity test straight away. It would have stopped a lot of heartache.

After that, I’d encourage you go to mediation and set access up.
You need to have some form of flexibility - on both sides.
Aka your ex can’t decide what the child is doing when they with you, incl who is picking him up.
You, on the other side, can’t expect your ex to jump through hoops for you to make the child available when it works for you. I mean just now, it’s a question of not taking the child to nursery. Soon that child will be at school and then what? You need to plan much more ahead than you do just now.

Oh, I presume they think she should have aborted the pregnancy and you are now trapped into being a dad and it’s all her fault?

I think they’ll have a long wait if they are expecting her to apologise to them.

You were in a relationship she got pregnant, if you weren’t wearing a condom then you are equally responsible for that. To then deny paternity and expect her to remain quiet and say nothing about it to friends after you’ve effectively called her a cheat is unbelievable. Why shouldn’t she seek emotional support because she wasn’t getting it from you or your family.

Moving forward, how long have you been having visits with your son? How well does he know your parents? How often are you changing pre- arranged visits?

What exactly is it that you are asking for your family to do? Pick him up from nursery, or from her?

You may or may not have called her a gold digger (though you say here you think you being well paid was a reason why she kept the child - !!) but you certainly called her a liar and a cheat when you refused to believe the child was yours.

I think maybe apologies from the people who persuaded you to question paternity and deny responsibility would help. Because if somebody accused you of being sexually unfaithful and lying for financial gain I imagine it would take a while for you to get over it and move forward.

I think you may be trying to do right now. Offering mediation would show that you really are willing to go over past mistakes to ensure that your child's mother feels heard and understood.

To the people who have mentioned mediation I will look into that as a first step

In my parents defence they are quite traditional and this isn't the way they or I imagined them having their first grandchild. They never did anything nasty to my ex though. They were just on my side

Come on.
Few people pay that amount of CM. It’s not like he was paying £20 a week.

Whatever @dadof195 is paying is according to CSA. Yes he could pay more. But nitpicking how much he is paying right now and how it ought to be more to really be 50% of the cost isn’t going to help anyone when he is doing what he is supposed to do.
How much CM is a battle to fight somewhere else.

You’ve made a lot of big mistakes and it’s good to want to move forward but you need to reframe your thinking. You’ve said she keeps putting barriers up but that isn’t the case. Your work schedule is not her problem to solve. You can’t be a dad and maintain your life exactly as you want it. She is under no obligation to facilitate your life when you have done so little in the last two years.

your own family won’t even help you to smooth the way and mend fences by apologising so why should she have to do handovers with them?

You and your family punished her in many ways for choosing to keep her baby. Madness to think she’s just going to forget all that and view you as family now.

No hate from me, you didn't start off great but can't go back in time, ignore people that are offloading and focus on the problem at hand.

Honestly I don't think you need to change jobs.

Arrange set days, and arrange childcare on the days you will not be around, just as mum would have to, or any lone parent, a live in nanny, parents etc, and remember it isn't her job to facilitate your contact, it is entirely your responsibility.

Good luck, hope it works out.

What have they done to rectify their past actions ? Have they even apologised to your ex? You can’t just say it’s been months so she has to forgive them - no she doesn’t.

Sending people who have been hostile to your ex in the past is a very poor solution. If you’re not available to see your son because of work then it is much kinder to him to allow him to stay at home and not be in the company of people who were hostile to his mum.

And you’re wondering why she isn’t finding that acceptable?? If I were her I’d tell them to piss off to the far side of the moon and then keep pissing off until they pass Pluto.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

This, especially this: You’ve said she keeps putting barriers up but that isn’t the case. Your work schedule is not her problem to solve.

You are making all of this her issue to solve, she needs to bend, she needs to forgive, she needs to be more flexible, she needs to accept that your family will pick up the child.

Literally, what has changed in your life since your child was born, apart from your CSA payment?

If you can begin by understanding - and I mean REALLY understanding - the seismic shift she's gone through THEN getting some mediation, you'll find a way through. But if you continue to go wah wah wah I'm just a poor guy from a traditional set-up at the mercy of this fate then she understandably won't give you the time of day on this.

The crux of the issue is I've asked for flexibility in the way that I give her my schedule ahead of time and we agree days for me to have my son when I'm off work, but in my current job these won't be the same days every week. She says no and says it needs to be the same days every week as our son is in nursery and she works.

Then when I've tried to set days, she agrees to this but if I'm not available due to work and can't collect (doesn't mean I won't see my son at all just sometimes I can't collect myself), she says she won't hand over to any person other than me.

So I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. But I appreciate all the comments and thoughts good and bad.

I think my only option at this point is to look into changing my job

I'm confused what you mean by they didn't do anything nasty? I thought it was them who 'advised' you not to take any responsibility until you were forced to?

Honestly if my partners grandparents wanted to pick up my daughter/son so that I could work and son/daughter could have a relationship with grandparents and father, I would ultimately think that a good thing. I think OP you're getting a hard time. It takes a village and providing grandparents are nice I don't think that's the crime people are saying it is.

@roseymoira they never even spoke to her when she was pregnant so they didn't do anything directly to her. But yes they did advise me, as did friends, to be careful with contributing financially if I wasn't sure

Do you live near her ? Are your days off consecutive days ? If you expect to have your son each time you have a day off then you’re unreasonable - especially if you don’t live nearby.

Shouldn't you be paying the CSA amount plus half of childcare fees at least?

I mean essentially your child's mum is paying 500 a month childcare plus everything else plus doing all the hard graft!

No you just told her to get rid of her (now yours cos it suits you) son.
You then said he wasn’t yours (doesn’t that incline she’s slept with somebody else or did an alien impregnate her )
You also didn’t support her during her pregnancy and didn’t buy anything for baby until baby was 6 months old
Just admit you’ve been an absolute shit , you won’t be the first and you wont be the last

To those who are saying you’d tell the OP parents to piss off….

Im sorry but as satisfying it might be for her to offload her anger, fell righteous etc….
Its still the rights if the child that prevail.
And that child has a right to see his dad. She can’t carry in saying NO in this way.
eg nothing is saying it has to be the father who picks up the child. Or that the mum can chose who is picking up/dropping off.

Both of them have to start to put their feeling aside and put the child first.

Privately my parents were worried about the paternity of the baby and her motivations for keeping the pregnancy when the relationship had ended. Like I say they are traditional and they just couldn't understand why someone would want that. They weren't happy she didn't take my views into consideration- she was adamant from the get go that she was keeping the baby and there was no discussion or anything. They didn't view it too well that I was cut out of any decision

To be a present parent and not damage your son, you need to be a reliable stable supportive presence. You can't dip in and out of his life. At 2, if he never saw you again he'd have no memory of you and while this wouldn't be ideal, it's much kinder to him to have a consistent stable upbringing than being let down and not knowing where he stands. Kids thrive on routine and stability. It's time to shit or get off the pot. If you can't commit and make him your top priority, you need to walk away.

I'd suggest mediation as she either needs to accept the varying days with notice OR if she wants fixed days allow others to pick him up.
You could also say that the 3rd option is that you have to change jobs to a fixed work schedule but that will reduce your income and her CSA payments.
You've behaved appallingly to her when she was pregnant and when he was born - but she does need to be reasonable about contact which she's not being right now.